The WeatherPixie

Hi, I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU. Click here if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee. 



Monday, 8/30/04 -


Wednesday, 8/25/04 - I got a strange spam e-mail this past weekend. Here it is verbatim...

From: Krista Coates []
Subject: Re: Your Cialis phentermine refill is ready

Sergio Hoffmann, 25 y.o. psychotherapist, Germany: I have a very hard work, i always had to listen about people's failures, about bad life et cetera. All that problems affected my selxual activity, my wife was not as happy as before with me. I tried Viagras - both genedric and Pfdizer's, but they does not act as good and as long as i want it to be. Finally, my colleague told me about Cialis and I ordered it. The results were really better, trust me. I'd recommend it to anybody with erection troubles. P.S.: By the way, you can mix Cialis with alcohol without any harm! 80% off Phentermine, Xanax, viagra Cialis, Soma Follow this link for more info:

Did you notice the sudden change halfway through the message? At the mere mention of Cialis, the writer's diction and spelling improved dramatically. That must be one helluva pill.

Monday, 8/23/04 -Trust me on this but don't ask me how I know:

You can really bring an abrupt silence to a busy department store by screaming out, "LEAVE MY NIPPLES ALONE!"

Wednesday, 8/18/04 -

Coming in November...

(click on the humbnail image above for a larger view.)

Oh, the horror...

Friday, 8/13/04 - Wow... Friday the 13th is looking to be a truly unlucky day for the state of Florida...

(click on the humbnail image above for a larger view.)

By the way, Hurricane Charley is what the ladies used to call me... before the leafblower accident.

Tuesday, 8/10/04 - Damn... this guy must REALLY like his Xbox. (Check out the tanline on the forehead of the guy on the right on that page.)

That just goes to show you that you shouldn't take the law into your own hands... you need to take it to the People's Court.

Here's another uplifting news story.

That does it.

The hell with the U.N., we need to invade Nigeria so that they can't use their Weapons of Mass Sorcery (WMS) against the United States. A premptive strike for the good of the children. THE CHILDREN.

And while we're at it, let's knock out the Nigerians' spamming capabilities.

Hold on a minute... let's not be too they have any oil there?...

Monday, 8/9/04 - You may or may not have figured out that the summer Olympics are starting soon. I recently found the following in a back issue of my company's newsletter dating back to 1996. I think I wrote about half of these, adding on to a list that had been e-mailed to me...

The Top 20 Problems Encountered
Along the Olympic Torch Route

20. Forward progress is hampered by slow-moving white Bronco.
(Okay, okay it WAS the year after the O.J. trial!)
19. Torch commandeered in Waco by overzealous ATF agents.
(Another dated joke.)
18. One "really angry" Smokey the Bear.
17. Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable Bic lighter.
16. Difficulty getting melted marshmallows off torch after s'mores party got out of hand.
15. Running seven miles before realizing torch is still on top of magazine rack at the last rest stop.
14. First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to "receive the baton."
13. Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a double-barrelled supersoaker.
12. Valuable time is lost when torchbearer detours from route to keep promise of a torch appearance at nephew's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.
11. Drive-by goosings.
10. Torchbearer arrested for jaywalking.
(Yes, that was bad. I apologize for that one.)
9. Torch-jackings in urban areas.
8. Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for directions.
7. Torch temporarily extinguished by huge twister.
6. Torch procession through ticker-tape parade in downtown Manhattan proves to be a bad idea.
5. An unfortunate incident along the route leads to the formation of a new activist group... TADD (Torchbearers Against Drunk Drivers).
6. Torch is stolen by renegade circus fire-eater.
3. Torch groupies.
2. Tailgaters.

And the number one problem encountered along the Olympic torch route:

1. Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots of Fire" theme.

Hmmm... those seemed funnier eight years ago.

Okay, now I feel that I owe you something funny. So, check out Bruno Brozetto's Olympics Flash animation. And if you like that one, check two more of his cartoons entitled Adam and Yes and No. Enjoy.

Saturday, 8/7/04 - Jonathan Clark sent me some junk e-mail he received recently from a consumer debt counseling service... for Christians. So, naturally I felt I had create a spoof it by combining the religious theme with the most relentless, mailbox-filling spam we all get...

God wants to make it up to you.

Feel free to distribute this as you see fit.

Friday, 8/6/04 - Today marks the 4th Anniversary of This award-losing website originated on AOL about 7 years ago and then resided on another server with a funky cryptic web address ( before it came to rest with a big wet crackle here. So, take a moment out of your poontastic day and sing the praises of The Longmire!

Tuesday, 8/3/04 - Witness this photo from a Baptist church near my house...

That's either a volcano or a teepee.

This is what happens when a church realizes that the regular Jesus stories just aren't exciting enough anymore to entice youngsters to attend vacation Bible school during the summer. They have to start making up stuff.

I'm no Bible scholar, but I don't remember any place called Lava Lava Island mentioned in the Bible, or do I recall Jesus having any adventures on any island at all. If he did, I bet he battled a Tyrannosaurus Rex... and won.

Lava Lava Island, Where Jesus' Love Flows... IT'S HOT, BABY!

Monday, 8/2/04 - Turn your speakers up and check out the sassy little background music I added to the main page...


©2004, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire