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Friday, 5/31/02 -Summer Movie Review Time

Over the past week, I saw some movies at the theater and on video...

The Sum of All Fears: I just saw this one tonight. Have you seen the previews for it?... with the nuclear blast hitting the cars and helicopter and the missiles hitting the aircraft carrier? If so, then you've seen the movie. At least, you've seen all of the special effects. This film was mildly intriguing and at times amusing, but you would think that when a nuclear bomb is set off by terrorists in the heart of Baltimore, you'd see a little more than what was depicted in this movie. Throughout the film, the filmmakers had a gimmick of showing overhead satellite photos of cities when the story shifted from one locale to another, yet never showed an aerial shot of decimated Baltimore. That would have been an effective scene.

Note: A lot of older people were in attendance for this movie for some reason. I had to endure an old bag with a constant grinding cough that sounded like when you turn the key in the ignition of your car when the engine's already running.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones: From a graphic artist's point of view, this movie was great to watch. Lots of cool effects, great set design and architecture, incredible looking hardware and vehicles. The action has picked up from the last installment. That leaves the acting, which was, well... amaterish. One scene in particular was horrible... with Princess Amadala and Anakin Skywalker shortly after their first kiss. This romantic scene between the two of them contained dialogue so bad, and was delivered so bad, it sounded like high schoolers uttering bad Shakespeare in a school play. Also, I'm sorry but the scene at the end where Yoda dueled Count Dooku was laughable. Imagine a chimpanzee bouncing all over the place with a light saber. Once again like the last movie, the politics storyline of the saga really bogs the movie down for me.

Insomnia: This was a fairly interesting movie with some plot twists, but... I left the theater unimpressed as though I had not just seen a movie. And, judging from my friend's snoring through the middle of the film (she was obviously not suffering from insomnia), she shared the same opinion... but to a higher extreme than me.

From Hell: See above (but I saw this movie on video at home). The only interesting thing about this movie was the killer's (Jack the Ripper's) strange dialation of the eyes while he was engaged in his hobby. That, and Charlton Heston's cameo role as "Prostitute Victim #4." "Damn you... damn you all From Hell !!!"

Vanilla Sky: You know that feeling when you're right between sleeping and waking? Where you separate dream from reality but are not quite sure of the difference of fact and fantasy at the moment? The feel of this movie is a lot like that. I really liked this film. Some confusing moments in the film, but all is explained at the end. It's one of those movies you need to watch twice.

Thursday, 5/30/02 - Inflatable women tell no tales.

Monday, 5/27/02 -Happy Memories Day

"Memories, in the corner of my eye, crusty scabby covered memories... of my pants of fur.

Could it be that pants were just so simple then, and didn't show a panty line? If we had the chance to wear them all again... would we... could we?


Tuesday, 5/21/02 -On the Road - Part Two

Now, that's one heck of a bumper sticker! I'm sorry the driver's son was "killed" by a tractor trailer, but I'm curious as to why the word "killed" is in quote marks. Well... was he killed or not? Or is this word just being used in quote marks as a teaser or some sort of slang, such as "killing" a fifth of tequila? Also, are these bumper stickers printed up to honor other "killed" family members, such as MY 3RD COUSIN ON MY STEPMOTHER'S SIDE WHO LIVES IN KENTUCKY WAS "KILLED" BY A TRACTOR TRAILER? That would be a really big bumpersticker. You might even need a trailer behind your car to display that one.

Hey, I just thought of something, maybe the son wasn't killed by a human driving the truck... no, I'm not implying that it was being driven by a chimp ... but maybe it came alive by itself like the machines did in that Stephen King move, Maximum Overdrive. Just a thought. Or, going back to the chimp statement, maybe the chimp from BJ and the Bear did get ahold of the steering wheel and "killed" this person's son. This could be the start of a Planet of the Apes, eh? The systematic "killing" of humans by chimps driving semis resulting in a world dominated by apes? Frightening thought.

Was the chimp BJ, or was he The Bear? I can't remember.

Anyway, I think I know what caused the "killing" and why those darn trucks drive so fast...

Yep... the drivers are suffering from overactive bladders. They're driving like madmen to the next exit ramp because of all that whiskey and speed they're constantly consuming. They "gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now, gotta go, gotta go right now." And if you're in their way while they're rushing wildly to a restroom ... well, someone just might get "killed."

Sunday, 5/19/02 -

Al experiences a momentary lapse in dressing skills (He's wearing a t-shirt as pants and shorts around his head). Let's hope he retains his potty training.

I can understand people making mistakes when they're writing or typing fast... but placing letters on a sign seems to me to be a slower, more deliberate process with a much less chance of typos. Jeez. Chalk another one up for Burchfield's.

On the Road - Part One

Something I saw on the way to work one morning last week: A big pickup truck with bumper stickers all over that read:

  • "American by birth, Southern by the grace of god" (with rebel flag art)
  • "Born and Bred" (with rebel flag art)
  • Southern by the Grace of God" (with rebel flag art)

...and some others very similar to those, but one sticker, right in the middle of all these, I think revealed the most about the driver:

  • "With deer, beer, and pickup trucks - who needs women?"

(Note: MARS NEEDS WOMEN, that's who!)

Wednesday, 5/15/02 - An illegal methamphetamine lab, housed in a mobile home, recently exploded here in Tennessee, killing two people. And I just saw on the news where our great state led the South last year in meth labs by an alarming number (461). Hooray for us! If you're a drug addict, you might be saying "Tennessee Sounds Good To Me!"

Monday, 5/13/02 - A friendly reminder: Hey everybody, the Wonderful World of Longmire's message boards still exist and hardcore fan Bruce (BV) has been posting his little brains out, all alone, to keep the dream alive. He's the hardest working man in show business, or at least that's what he told me. I urge you to please feel free to leave comments on the boards and make Bruce happy.

Sunday, 5/12/02 - Happy Mother's Day, you freaks. I'm treating my mom to her choice of selections from the sandwich vending machine down at the bus station.

She's thrilled.

Canadians have their share of life's daily frustrations, too. Take this great Flash-animated tale, for example...

Friday, 5/10/02 - Speaking of the new Star Wars movie coming out next week... I don't know about you, but it looks kind of stupid to me...

(Click on graphic for larger image.
Go ahead... I'll wait until you've come back to this page.)

Yeah, I know that graphic is pretty dumb. When I first came up with the initial idea for it, I thought it was pretty funny. Only when I was in the process of creating it, I came to the saddening realization that it was very, very, lame, but I was already too far into it not to finish it up. Hey, at least it's not a bad Photoshop job... uh, right? Right? Hello? OK, I'm sorry you had to see it.

Wednesday, 5/8/02 -

Q: What's scarier than Count Dracula?

A: Count Dracula with a light saber!

Christopher Lee as Count Dooku(la) in the upcoming Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Cones... I mean, Clones.

What happens when you have two lazy teenagers and two open boxes of Corn Pops cereal in a kitchen cabinet? ANTS, and plenty of them, that's what happens! And when questioned, I'm told that no one did it! That's the weird part! Seems that we have burglars that break in during the day, eat cereal, and leave the boxes open to attract ants!

Tuesday, 5/7/02 - When you surf through TV channels at a fast clip, you pick up little snippets of dialogue. I heard the phrase "the work of the devil" as I was doing this the other day. That got me to wondering about the work of the devil. Oh, I think we all know what he's up to... corrupting and collecting souls... but I usually start wondering about little trivial details. Like, does he have a desk? An electric pencil sharpener? A secretary? A dayplanner or a file cabinet? Does the devil play solitaire on his computer when he should be busy doing the work of the devil? And why does he even bother with his work when it's been preordained in the Bible that's he's going to lose in the end? It's like he's gone as far as he can in his field and there's no hope of a promotion for him.

You know, people are getting more stupid with each passing minute. I've noticed lately that a new epidemic has started with people using the word "loose" when they mean "lose." Have you noticed this too, or am I just loosing my mind?

Monday, 5/6/02 - I saw Spider-Man on Saturday night. You should see it too. It was way cool.

Typical East Tennessee comment overheard while waiting in line to grab a seat in the theater: "It (the movie) better be good... I'm missing NASCAR for this!"

Saturday, 5/4/02 - Some of the funniest things are those you don't make up... things out there just waiting for you to discover. I saw this inspiring sight as I was sitting in the drive-thru line at Hardee's this morning...

"Lowriding for Jesus?" What an odd concept. I wonder... did Jesus ask for this service? Did the vehicle's owner have a holy vision one day where Jesus appeared and spoke to him saying, "Thou shalt lowride for Me, My child."? What's the porpoise, I mean purpose, for devoting your driving time to lowriding for the Lord? What's the reward, the payoff?

"Blessed are the Lowriders, for they shall cruise...stylin' and profilin'...the streets of Heaven."

The phone rang just a few minutes ago. Looking at the "OUT OF AREA" readout on the caller ID, from experience I knew this was a telemarketer calling. Indeed, it was someone offering me a VISA Gold Card. Ignoring the lengthy introductory message from the caller, I readied myself for a smartass reply...

Telemarketer: Mr. Longmire, we'd like to offer you blah, blah, blah, blah, with a special interest rate of blah, blah, blah, blah...

Me: Can I buy stuff with the card and never pay you guys back?

Telemarketer: If you want to, sir.

Me (serious now, not believing what I just heard): Are you actually telling me that?

Telemarketer: It's up to you, sir, how you use the card.

Me: Is it in the agreement that I don't have to pay back what I charge?

Telemarketer: No, sir.

Me: Then I'm not interested.

Telemarketer: Sir, might I add that we also...

Me: (click... buzzzzzzzzzzz)

Adventures on the interstate yesterday while driving my daughter to meet her mother for a weekend visit...


OK, so it was a truck being towed...

Friday, 5/3/02 - The "Name My Truck" Contest." results are in. After reviewing the entries...

  • Domestic White Devil
  • Snow Peep
  • White Movement
  • Blank Canvas
  • Sunday Shoes
  • Bleached
  • Stay Out of the Light
  • Wash Me...I'm White
  • Mighty White
  • I'm Blue...You're Color-Blind
  • Snowblind
  • Plain Blind
  • Look Out...I'm Blind!
  • White Caned
  • Not the Color of Money
  • Li'l Marauding Son of a Bitch
  • Generic Truck
  • No Name Truck
  • Bubba
  • My Ding-ed a Ling
  • Mighty White
  • Not Brand New Anymore
  • Brenda's Limo
  • Me and Da Bank
  • White-Ola
  • Tinkie-Too
  • Whoopie
  • Cushion
  • Chino
  • White Lily
  • Flour Powr
  • Weezer
  • Urge
  • Icarus

The runner-up is... Whitey Morphin' Power Ranger

And the winner is...

Submitted by:The lovely and talented Brian Hamby

Congratulations, Brian! Even though it's a truck and not actually a wagon, I liked the sound of it. You've won an official Wonderful World of Longmire® T-Shirt, and YES, you have to take it! So there you have it. Thanks to everyone who sent in entries!