Wednesday, 9/6/00 - I forgot to mention last week that I got a mention in the Metro Pulse (a weekly newspaper here in Knoxville) after I complained to them about reprinting an old crossword in the previous issue (see 8/25/00 comment). Note the fine print in this enlarged view of the bottom portion of the puzzle.

Thanks, Ian.


Wednesday, 9/6/00 - At work, all employees got these "Preventing Sexual Harassment" booklets that we had to read and then sign a small form affirming that we had indeed read it. We've had training sessions on this subject before but like most companies do to cover their behinds legally, like children we must be reminded constantly on how to behave. Anyway, I thought the illustration on the booklet's cover was kind of funny (especially the guy's hand on the shoulder) and was begging for a caption, so here goes...

Every day, like clockwork, the dreaded Midmorning Massage Maestro staggers into Jennifer's cubicle, and proceeds to lay his trembling, dainty manchild hands upon her voluptuous shoulders while drunkenly mumbling a tearful refrain from an old Rick Springfield tune, "We all need... the Human Touch..."

OK, now, settle down... I'm not making light of sexual harassment. Well, maybe just a bit, but I don't mean anything by it. I'm totally against this behavior in the workplace... I believe it needs to stay in the singles' bars where it belongs.

The booklet contains many other illustrations that are equally screaming out for captions. I think a special page is in order for this, don't you?


Wednesday, 9/6/00 - There's a cool website called that helps you set up a store to sell T-shirts, mugs, and mousepads using your own art. This is precisely what I have done at The Wonderful World of Longmire Gift Shoppe. Take a look and buy something nice for yourself. Go on, you deserve it.

That was my sales pitch, if you didn't notice.


Tuesday, 9/5/00 - I didn't do a dang thing this weekend other than laundry, dishes, eat, sleep, and watch television. I thought about going to Boomsday (Knoxville's annual Labor Day fireworks extravaganza), but was too lazy to make it downtown. Don't worry, they held it anyway in my absence.

I did something really cool today. A couple of friends of mine are visiting Paris at the moment, Before they left, I found a good webcam on the net that showed a Paris sidewalk. I printed out a copy of the camera's view and gave it to them and requested that they be there at a specific time and I even had a spot picked out for them to stand. Lo and behold, I saw my friends in Paris this morning and I got a screen capture of it. Man, the Internet is great.


Wednesday, 8/30/00 - I saw the lamest anti-drug bumper sticker today. It was sponsored by some chess playing organization. It read "PUSH PAWNS, NOT DRUGS."

I'm glad that chess players, who have long been silent concerning their views on drug abuse, have finally come out with this bold statement and have made it exactly clear to everyone where they stand on this issue.

Attention all drug pushers: CHECKMATE!


Tuesday, 8/27/00 - I am constantly amazed at the amount of grown adults that I see, just inside the grocery store, Kmart, convenience store, dropping a continous supply of quarters into those claw machines, trying in vain to grasp and capture a cheap piece of crap prize. If you want to spend money with no hope of gaining anything in return, you might as well contribute it to the Reform Party candidate's presidential campaign.


Monday, 8/27/00 - Well, I went back to work today after a week's vacation at home. After wearing only shorts, sandals, and the occasional t-shirt for a week, I felt like Tarzan dressed up in New York when I had to go back to work in standard work attire. I even spoke in poor English (Mark go lunch now!), threw out a few Tarzan yells, and battled the Xerox repairman (who I mistook for a crocodile) before I gradually became reaquainted with civilization.


Sunday, 8/27/00 - I was working on the graphic for the Knoxville Community Calendar and got the clever idea to spell it the cutesy way of "Knoxville Kommunity Kalendar." Then I realized the initials of this were "KKK." Oops... that may not agree with everyone. So, I changed the wording to Knoxville Kommunity Events Kalendar. It will start next week. Probably on Tuesday.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. (Sigh.)


Friday, 8/25/00 - I spent all of this morning working on decals written in French for an upcoming special featured page. Sounds odd, eh? More information on that next month.

In an unrelated subject, starting next week, I'll have a new recurring feature, The Knoxville Community Calendar, which will highlight events and celebrations occuring each month in the Knoxville/East Tennessee area. Of course, it won't be serious.

Friday, 8/25/00 -Yesterday, I sent another one of my irate "threatening" e-mails.. this time to the editor of the local Knoxville alternative weekly newspaper The Metro Pulse...

Dear Metro Pulse editor,

I just picked up the latest copy of Metro Pulse (Aug. 24-30 issue), and started to do the crossword when I realized that it was a reprint. What's going on with you guys? Did your recently departed editor, Mr. Turczyn, take all the new crosswords with him when he left? Where's the challenge or fun in redoing an old crossword? What's next? Re-running old news coverage? Can we look forward to reading about the upcoming opening of the 1982 World's Fair in a future issue? Well, I and the rest of Knoxville don't care for your sloppy little leftovers. Yes, I can speak for Knoxville because I am its annointed spokesperson. You didn't know that? You must have missed the meeting. If we (I and the rest of Knoxville) see another crossword reprint, all of us will come down to the Metro Pulse offices, turn all of the staff upside down by the ankles and shake you until some new crosswords fall out of your pockets or other places.

I... I... (OK, calm down now, big guy)... I just... I just want a new crossword puzzle, OK? Well, what are you waiting for... your fancy little cappucinos to cool off? MOVE IT!!!

- Mark Longmire

I got this response today, not from the editor, but from Ian Blackburn, the "systems manager"...

Whoa there, Cap'n Longmire! *You* come up with sixty or so Knoxville-themed crosswords and see if you don't need to take a bit of a hiatus. That's some grueling labor, let me tell you -- digging those things out of the crossword mines with only a pick & shovel wears a man down.

I've got about a half-dozen basic new themes on tap, though, so it should be a while before you have to put up with me being a total slacker again.


I replied...

Not good enough. We're on our way down there. See you soon.

The final response...

Well, just so you'll recognize me, I'm a fortysomething woman with glasses whom most people inexplicably refer to as "Nora."



Thursday, 8/24/00 - Well, as of last night, the TV show Survivor is finally over. I hardly watched any of it during its run, but got suckered (out of curiosity) into watching the two-hour finale. If you watched this last show last night, I think you will agree with me that you wouldn't want to owe Sue any money. Wow. You don't think she was just a tad bitter, do you? When it came down to the last three "castaways," the last "immunity challenge" involved seeing who could keep their hands on a jungle totem pole the longest without letting go. I was amused that they would choose this competition that's similar to a car dealership giving away a pickup truck. Like I told you, I haven't been watching this show, but I sure have heard about it constantly for the past weeks. Hopefully, the mention of it will die off soon. It's kind of like the flu, it lasts a while but eventually runs it course and is gone.


Wednesday, 8/23/00 - OK, maybe I have a little too much time on my hands since I've taken this week off from work. I drove around the area running some errands today while my The Best of Sweet CD was blasting from my car's speakers. I have become perplexed with one song in particular... Sweet's hit from 1973... Little Willy. I have listened to this song over and over today, trying to understand its meaning. Here are the lyrics...

North side, east side, Little Willy, Willy wears the crown, he's the king around town.
Dancing, glancing, Willy drives them silly with his star shoe shimmy shuffle down.
Way past one, and feeling all right 'cause with little Willy round they can last all night.
Hey down, stay down, stay down...down...

'Cause little Willy, Willy won't go home.
But you can't push Willy round... Willy won't go.
Try tellin' everybody but, oh no...
Little Willy, Willy won't go home

Up town, down town Little Willy, Willy drives them wild with his run-around style.
Inside, outside Willy sends them silly with his star-shine shimmy shuffle smile.
Mama done chased Willy down through the hall.
But laugh, Willy laugh, he don't care at all.
Hey down, stay down, stay down...down...


Little Willy, Willy won't, Willy won't, Willy won't
Little Willy, Willy won't Willy won't, Willy won't
Little Willy, Willy won't Willy won't, Willy won't
Little Willy, Willy won't Willy won't, Willy won't

(Repeat refrain to fade out)

(Here's a sound sample of the song [aif file, 2MB]).

Little Willy sounds like a real bastard. Doesn't he know when he's overstayed his welcome? Exactly why won't he go home? Does he even have a home or is his home so bad that he won't go there? Maybe Willy lives with abusive parents in a crack house. And what exactly is he doing? A "star shoe shimmy shuffle down?" I don't know what that is but it sounds like it's probably illegal. And what is a "star-shine shimmy shuffle smile?" At least the "star shoe shimmy shuffle" sounds plausible, but a "shimmy shuffle smile?" Sounds like he has grape jelly smeared all over his mouth. What about this crown he's wearing around town? He probably stole it from "Mama" and she's chasing Willy, pardon me, Little Willy, trying to get it back. Why doesn't someone call the police on Little Willy? Oh, I forgot... he's the "king around town," so he probably owns the police.

I think I have the answer. This song is about President Clinton during the impeachment hearings and investigation . "Mama" must refer to Hillary. Well, that's one theory. Let me know what you think.


Tuesday, 8/22/00- Longmire's in love! I watched the movie "Lost and Found" for the second time on HBO yesterday. The movie is pretty good but the real reason I watched it again is because I have become smitten with the actress Sophie Marceau. She is... how you say... magnifique.

I am touching my shoulder for you, Mark.

Beautiful, isn't she?

I hadn't ever heard of her or seen her before this movie. She's French. I have been busy lately working on our wedding invitations. You may be thinking, "Oh my little Longmire, how could you possibly think that you could meet this woman, let alone marry her?"

It's just a matter of time, my friend, until she is mine. I think we all know that this is true. Well, I have neither the intentions or finances to stalk her, if that's what you are thinking, but I have this feeling in my large, protruding, pinkish gut that she and I will meet and she will fall in love with me. Oh, yes. If you happen to know her, put in a good word for me, OK?


Tuesday, 8/22/00 - This morning I travelled downtown and visited the Knoxville Museum of Art. There was an exhibit by painter/illustrator Thomas Hart Benton and also an exhibit of blown glass sculpture by Dale Chihuly. The Benton exhibit was great and inspired me to want to do some drawings. However, the blown glass was a big deal, but sort of dull. But boy, that Chihuly guy has got some kind of merchandising machine cranking. I came out of that exhibit and ran smack into a gift shop full of his videos, books, posters, postcards, calendars, you name it. Is this what art is supposed to be about?

I couldn't really concentrate on the exhibits fully because my mind was still on my lady of love, Sophie Marceau. Anyhoooo, I was in the Chihuly exhibit looking at his creations of glass space aliens when I started feeling hungry. I pulled out the peanut butter and banana sandwich that I had in my pocket and commenced to eatin' it. I was looking closely at one sculpture, when I suddenly sneezed, with my mouth full, spraying various-sized bits of pb and nanners all over Spanish Orange Seafoam Set with Black Lip Wraps. I looked around and was relieved that no one saw me and I didn't set off the seismograph-like device that records any movement or disturbance of the art. I casually, while innocently whistling (of course), strolled out of the exhibit area as quickly as I can, but not so quick as to draw attention to myself. I went over to the museum guestbook and wrote out a complaint about the exhibit, citing it as "sloppy."

I exited the museum and walked down to the World's Fair Park and worshipped the Sunsphere. Actually, I took some pictures of it to be used on a couple of joke pieces that I will be working on.


Monday, 8/21/00 - I have this week off from work. Let the party begin.


Saturday, 8/19/00 - I saw Hollow Man at the movies tonight. The story was a little weak, but the special effects were awesome. The concept of being invisible is one to think about. There would be a lot of advantages, of course, but also drawbacks. Besides never being able to close your eyes because your eyelids are invisible, you would also lose sense of where your body is and always be banging fingers, arms and legs into things. And because no one can see you, you would have doors slammed on you, but that happens to me all the time anyway.


Friday, 8/18/00 - Brian and I ate lunch at the Waffle House. Man, was it crowded and loud in there. The Waffle House has a stupid way of relaying your order to the cook(s). They write it down on a pad, but instead of taking the ticket and clipping it in front of the cook to see, the waitresses scream it, in Waffle House code, across the entire length of the restaurant. Our waitress was two feet away from us, yelling at the top of her lungs to the cook. And she does this not once, but twice because it was not acknowledged the first time. And get this, she barked out our order the first time next to us, went down to where the cook was to do something else, comes back to the exact spot near us and screams it out again. WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL THE COOK OUR ORDER WHEN SHE WAS CLOSE TO HIM? The noise level created by the staff is so loud, that it interrupts you midsentence when talking to the person you are dining with. If I didn't like the omelots, hash browns, and wine selection so much, I would never go in there again.


Wednesday, 8/16/00 - I watched TV for the latter half of this evening, watching one roomful of idiots and then another roomful of idiots... namely "Big Brother" and the Democratic National Convention. That Big Brother show is the stupidest thing I've seen since that singing cop show some years ago. I formed an alliance with my remote control and changed the channel.

I was fairly impressed with Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman. Even though I fell asleep during his speech, I saw enough to know that he has a very natural and relaxed speaking style. I think he should be the presidential candidate rather than the Gorebot.


Tuesday, 8/15/00 - I've always wanted to moonwalk, but I could never get the hang of it. If I could moonwalk and... say, flip people off at the same time...well, that would be really cool.


Monday, 8/14/00 - School started today. As I was taking my daughter to school, I noticed that the skin on my right forearm was peeling. I hadn't realized that I must have gotten a sunburn when we went to the water park two weeks ago. I started pulling some of the skin off and offered the peels to my daughter to take with her to school for good luck. She declined. I went further to say that she could put it in a little dish and walk down the hallways while holding the dish out in front of her, and chant "This is the skin of my father." She declined once again.


Saturday, 8/12/00 - Went with Mark, Lucy, and Susan to see "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" at the historic Tennessee Theatre in downtown Knoxville. I went to movies at this theater as I was growing up and it is one of the nicest old landmarks that, fortunately, demolition-happy Knoxville has spared over the years. It's always a treat to visit this movie palace. The movie was great, the film was a good print with great color and sharpness, but the sound system was a bit lacking. Still, it was a nice night on the town with beautiful, cool breezy weather for a change.


Friday, 8/11/00 - On my drive home from work today, as I crossed a bridge over a lake, I noticed a high column of brownish-gray smoke over the treeline. At the foot of the bridge, a house on the right side of the road was on fire, with thick, monstrous-looking flames billowing out of the top floor windows. A building on fire is quite an ominous sight. There was no fire department, no police... no one on the scene as heavy traffic drove past it. I thought, "Surely someone has called the fire department by now." Wouldn't you think the same?

Further on down the road, I came to a stop behind a line of traffic at a red light. The light turns green up ahead and there is that delay before you actually start moving. Well, one person must have believed that he was above waiting, because all of a sudden I see this blur blast by me on the left as this jerk in an SUV speeds through using the left turn lane to bypass the line of traffic and then zips over in the middle of the intersection and cuts all of us off. A very stupid and dangerous move that I don't think I've ever seen before. I caught up to this guy later on (little good that wild move made as he is now only two cars ahead of me), and sure enough, he has a big orange "T" on the back of his truck. We here in East Tennessee have a species of creature called a "Vol Fan," (a college football fanatic that worships the game like a religion) that is easily identified by this orange "T." In the mind of the Vol Fan, the bigger the "T", the better. More times than not, when you witness a stupid or obnoxious act in traffic, the offending vehicle will have the "T." This is a proven fact... and oh, Lord... the start of the football season is only weeks away. Pray for us non-T's.

Changing the subject, I recently acquired Flash, which is animation software, and I went through the tutorial today. It's very cool to work with but seems extremely complicated at first... but everything makes sense once you start using it. I look forward to doing some fun animations for you in the future.


Wednesday, 8/9/00 - My daughter and I went to the Taco Bell drive-thru this evening. I ordered some nachos, but was told over the speaker that they were all out of nacho chips, so I had to order something else. When I went to the pickup window, I started kidding around with the cute young female cashier, accusing her of eating all the nacho chips. I know that sounds kind of lame, but that's all I could come up with at that moment. She had a good sense of humor and was actually flirting with me. As we left, I turned and told my daughter, "Yep, your dad's still got it," and then promptly drove into a street light pole.


Tuesday, 8/8/00 - I received this e-mail from a friend yesterday. I thought it was pretty clever and it will find a permanent place on the site somewhere.


Monday, 8/7/00 - Early this morning, after revising the text due to e-mail problems yesterday, I sent out an e-mail announcing the "birth" of this site's new location. I'm glad I've finally passed this kidney sto... I mean, milestone.


Sunday, 8/6/00 - Finally, The Wonderful World of Longmire launches at its new location. I uploaded the new "Grand Opening" graphic and composed an e-mail for a mass mailing to announce the debut. Of course, my e-mail picks this time to screw up and is unable to send messages out.


Saturday, 8/5/00 - Spent all morning finishing the "Grand Opening" graphic that will be the first screen on the new web site, I think it looks pretty good.


Friday, 8/4/00 - About a week ago, I received a rubber stamp in the mail. I ordered it because I'm tired of having to coming up with something witty or complimentary every time I must sign a card for a coworker, so I thought a general stamp like this would cover all the bases....

I actually got to put it to use today when a 'get well' card arrived at my office. I realize that I forgot to have 'Get Well Soon' on the stamp, so I guess 'Good Luck' will have to do. Of course, I will do the right thing and refrain to use the stamp if a 'Sympathy' card comes in, although 'Good Luck' might fit the bill there too.


Thursday, 8/3/00 - Due to total lack of interest, I didn't watch any of the Republican National Convention until the closing moments. I tuned in during the hoopla that followed George W.'s nomination acceptance speech. A clergyman, the Archbishop of something, delivered a thoughtful benediction to close the convention. What happened next made me burst out laughing. I would have never, never, seen this one coming. After the prayer there was a short silence and then a loud voice (God, perhaps?) announced, "Ladies and gentlemen... Chaka Kahn." This was followed by the familiar sound of "Chaka Kahn... Chaka Kahn...Chaka Kahn..." to which Ms. Kahn started belting out her hit "I Feel for You." Just after those somber moments in prayer, I thought the introduction of Chaka Kahn, of all things, was a bit bizarre.


Wednesday, 8/2/00 - I got the latest issue of MacAddict in the mail today. Of course, they didn't print my letter (see 6/30/00 comment). But, then again, I didn't intend or expect them to. I think I'm going to create a new page with a list of my failures.


Sunday, 7/30/00 - What a weekend! It started off with a great dinner with friends at Susan and Al's house on Friday night. The next morning, my daughter and I went to Gatlinburg, a small town but huge tourist attraction right at the entrance to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. I had not been there in over ten years and was surprised that it had not changed that much. Bumper to bumper traffic and people everywhere. It was really hopping and we were lucky to have just driven up and got a room for the night without any reservations. We checked in and then headed to nearby Pigeon Forge (home of Dollywood) and spent the entire day at Ogle's Water Park. We rode the waves in the big pool and slid down the dizzying water tubes until we were sore. I took special care to use sunblock on my face and shoulders and then of course got a mild sunburn on the areas I didn't treat, namely my chest, stomach, thighs and tops of my feet. After we closed down the water park at 7:00, we went back to Gatlinburg and unexpectedly ran into some cousins of mine who were there vacationing from Nashville and Athens (TN). We left this morning, returning home through the Smokies and stopping at the Sinks, a little area just off the road that has a natural waterfall and stream to wade in. All in all, a great, but exhausting, weekend. So, if anyone accuses me of knocking over their garbage cans or molesting their dog in Knoxville this weekend, I have the perfect alibi and receipts to prove it wasn't me... this time.


Thursday, 7/27/00 - My daughter and I are going to Ogle's Water Park in Pigeon Forge, TN this weekend. I got some discount tickets because I modeled for their brochure...


Tuesday, 7/25/00 - Is it just me, or does this upcoming movie, Coyote Ugly, have Oscar written all over it?


Monday, 7/24/00 - Things You'd Probably Rather Not Read About (Number 2 in a series) At work today, there was a lady being interviewed for a job in our department. After her interview, a manager started showing her around the place and introducing her to the staff. Meanwhile, I had just gotten a chocolate bar from the vending machine, went back to my office, opened the wrapper, and had taken one bite right as the phone rang. As I talked on the phone, I sat down and felt something odd. I finished my call, looked down and saw that a large part of the candy bar had fallen into my chair and I had sat on it. I sprang up immediately and in the process, spilled a Coke in my lap. I felt the seat of my pants with my hand and sure enough, my hand came back with a big chocolatey mess all over it. Of course, the manager picks this moment to come to my door with the interviewee and I am standing there with a wet crotch and a hand full of...well, at least I knew it was chocolate.


Friday, 7/21/00 - Today after work, I stopped by the grocery store. Ahead of me in the checkout line was a guy buying a 50 lb. bag of dog food, a box of Milk Bones, and a bouquet of flowers.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?


Sunday, 7/16/00 - Last night, I went out with some friends to see The Perfect Storm. It was mediocre at best. Some parts were laughable. One character was a TV weatherman that was so enraptured with tracking the storm, I thought he was going to propose marriage to the weather satellite images on his video monitor. One memorable and classic stupid line from the movie that my friends and I kept repeating afterwards was "YOU'RE HEADING RIGHT INTO THE BELLY OF THE MONSTER!!!"

When I got home from the movie, I took some trash out and had the bejeezus scared out of me. There was a pack of raccoons scavenging through my trash outside. This is unusual since I don't live in a rural area. I grabbed a broom and attempted to scare them off but they were defiant. They just looked at me as if thinking "Who is THIS guy?" One of them... I assume it was the leader... flipped a lit cigarette at me while the others laughed. Outnumbered, I apologized and went back inside.


Saturday, 7/15/00 - Well, I did something I haven't done in a while... I asked a girl out. Of course, she said no, but I noticed while I was talking to her that her eyes kept drifting below eye level. After she turned me down and backed away nervously, I took a look and sure enough, my fly was open.

I guess she thought I was overeager or had the wrong intentions.


Friday, 7/14/00 - I was working on the computer this morning as my cat was lying on the desk right next to it. I ejected a Zip disk and it smacked her right in the mouth.

Hey, I swear it was an accident.


Friday, 7/14/00 - Last week, I told you that I entered a newspaper contest to win Britney Spears tickets (see 7/6/00 comment). Well, I checked the paper this morning and those lousy bastards must have decided that I wasn't worthy of being a contestant. Instead, they chose a group of generic-looking teenagers with unimaginative reasons for wanting the tickets. Am I bitter? You bet your sweet bippy. I thought I would be chosen as the oddball for the group... the comic relief. But the paper chose to play it safe with these slackers. I'm thinking of sueing.


Thursday, 7/13/00 - Wow, three comment entries in a row today. This must be Super Thursday.... or I'm all hopped up on goofballs.

I took my mom to the doctor and ended up walking funny. Let me explain...

I took the afternoon off from work today to take my mom to see a gastroenterologist (did I spell that right?)...a digestive system doctor. It was a big place. We walked up to the receptionists' desk where I notice several placards on the counter. Dr. This, M.D., Dr. That, M.D., Dr. Him, M.D., Dr. Her, M.D.,... several little separate desktop stands with all the doctors' names on them. At the end of the counter is one titled "Colon Preps." I comment "Hey, I think I know that guy." My mom laughs, but she is the only one. Either the staff doesn't have a sense of humor or they've heard that one before... many times... by previous jackasses just like me.

I'm told that the procedure my mom is there for will take about three hours and it is required that she be put to sleep (temporarily!). So, they ask me if I would like to be issued a pager that will beep 45 minutes before she is scheduled to come out of the recovery room, allowing me to leave and do whatever instead of staying in the waiting room for a long time. The woman issuing the pagers asks me the name of my mom's doctor. I haven't a clue. I turn to ask my dear mother but she has already sat down at the far end of the waiting room. My mind was telling me to ask her "Who's your doctor?" but my mouth got the signals mixed up and blurted out "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" across a huge room full of people.

So, I leave, proudly wearing my pager on my hip for everyone to envy, to find something to do for three hours.

Just a couple of hours later, the pager starts beeping... no...SCREECHING... an hour earlier than expected, startling the hooker I'm with. Thinking the massage parlor is being raided, she leaps off of me, entangling all the buckles, straps, and hoses attached to us, severely injuring me in the process. I think I also chipped a tooth on the handlebars.

And now I'm walking funny.


Thursday, 7/13/00 - Last night, I showed off my brilliant conversational skills by calling in to a live Internet radio talk show. The show, Half Hour of Luuuv, is hosted by a freespirited superhip dude by the name of Halcyon Styn. Halcyon is the creator, writer, and designer of the Web site Prehensile Tales and his personal Web site, Cocky Bastard, which recently won the distinguished "Best Personal Web Site" award in the 2000 Webby Awards. Mr. Styn is also a major influence in a great online community called CitizenX and the entertaining Cocky Bastard discussion boards site where you can post topics and comments. I've "fertilized" that site quite a bit myself. Geez, have we got enough links here? How about some more links? Huh? Would you like that? Huh? Say you like it! C'mon, SAY IT! Ahhhhh, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! YE-HAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

Fooled you. Those weren't real links.

Where was I? Oh, yeah...

Last night's show has been archived for you to enjoy. I had to listen to it again because I couldn't remember what I had actually said. Don't miss my stuttering and stammering in a quasi-Southern accent which I'm sure made quite a lovely impression on the listeners. Note to self: never again mix triple shots of Vodka, a Vicks inhaler, extra-strength Viagra, and Velcro underwear filled with Vegetable soup before calling in to a broadcast being heard around the world.

I must tell you in advance, though, last night's discussion topic was of a highly sexual nature... in case you are sensitive to this. I called on the spur of the moment and didn't know what was being discussed as you will notice. My portion comes up at the 24:30 mark in the show. Please don't tell my mom that I've been to a strip bar. And whatever you do, don't tell her that I've danced at one.

After hearing me, you will come to the same conclusion as I have that I should stick to silly writing and making funny pictures and leave the talking to the professionals.

Mucho thanks goes out to Halcyon and his generous compliments and hospitality.

The show airs from San Diego, CA at 5:00 on Wednesday evenings (so that means 8:00 for us Easterners). It is on the IMG2 website and you'll need the Windows Media Player to listen in.

I almost forgot... Halcyon hosts the show in the nude.


Thursday, 7/13/00 - You have to admire Barry Manilow. The man was ahead of his time. I heard one of his old songs again today. It starts out like this...

"Doctor, my woman is coming back home late today.
Could you maybe give me something.
Cause the feeling is gone and I must get it back right away..."

Little did Barry know that about 20 years before its existence, he wrote a jingle for Viagra.


Wednesday, 7/12/00 - Last night, I was clicking the TV remote and stopped briefly on a country music channel. I saw a music video of a country boy band. The world is now a better place now that boy bands have merged with country music. I didn't catch the name of the group, but came up with this one... "CRAP2" (crap-squared).


Tuesday, 7/11/00 - Everybody at the supermarket is in my way.


Thursday, 7/6/00 - I just entered a contest in the Knoxville newspaper. They're giving away two Britney Spears concert tickets. My 12 year-old daughter wants to go. The rules state that you have to answer why you deserve the tickets and send in a photo of yourself. You'll then be asked questions daily and then be voted for or ejected by the paper's readers, Survivor-show-style.

Here is my entry and the photo that I emailed in....

Why do I deserve Britney Spears tickets?....

I'm Britney's biggest fan. I even have the title of her latest album ("Oops, I Did it Again!") stenciled on the back of my pants.

"Give me those tickets...or I'll kill you!"

What do you think my chances are? I have a good feeling about this. The same kind of good feeling that I had when I found a bat's head in my car's radiator. The contestants that are picked will appear in the paper next Friday, 7/14. I'll keep you informed of what happens.

I must win those tickets.


Wednesday, 7/5/00 - As far as yesterday's comment goes, if you are a law enforcement official and read that... I WAS JUST KIDDING... pretty much.

Tuesday, 7/4/00 - Happy 4th of July! I live on the inside of a circular road so all the houses pretty much face mine. In my neighborhood, everyone comes out to edge of their driveways and shoots off fireworks on the 4th. The real beauty of this holiday is that the constant bombardment of my neighbors shooting off fireworks covers up the sound of my machine gun fire. I can pick off any neighbor I hate and no one will ever know it unless I start boasting about.... uh, disregard what I just told you.


Monday, 7/3/00 - I had the day off today and went shopping for fireworks for tomorrow night. Sale of fireworks are illegal in the county I live in. It's also illegal to set fireworks off, but they never really enforce that one. So the kids and I got in the car and drove about 15 miles to the next county to the Fireworks Supermarket, just off the interstate. There was quite of variety of human life forms there as you can imagine. One tip for buying fireworks: notice the hands of your fellow shoppers. If they are missing fingers, avoid buying the same fireworks that they do. Well, like every year, we are greatly overwhelmed by the variety of choices in the store and can never remember what we bought the year before. All the fireworks are made in China and are therefore named quite strangely. We were intrigued by a medium sized firework with the ominous name of "All Hell Breaks Loose!."

How could anyone pass this one up?

We figured this was the one for us. We also got a variety of bottle rockets, firecrackers, and other small items that did different little tricks. I took our shopping basket up to the cashier and, after seeing the "All Sales Final" sign, ask her very seriously:

Me: "Do you guarantee your fireworks?"

Cashier: "Well, as best as we can."

Me: "Can you guarantee me on this one here that it lives up to its name, that All Hell Breaks Loose! rather than just Partial Hell Breaks Loose!?

(the cashier just stares at me)

Me: This is important. I must have All of the Hell Break Loose.

(she starts motioning to the security guard, so I tell her to just never mind.)


Saturday, 7/1/00 - I went to Kmart and bought myself a new watch. It's a cheap ($25) Timex Expedition with a cool light that's activated by pushing the stem. Below is a picture of me modeling it.

That will be $200, Mr. Longmire...

Oops, wrong photo... heh, heh, heh. OK, here it is...

It's a Timex!

Friday, 6/30/00 - I primarily use a PC at work, but for home and working on this website, I prefer a Mac. I have a subscription to MacAddict magazine. Check out this email I sent them today.

Dear MacAddict,

I usually really enjoy your magazine... but this last time I didn't (Aug. 2000 issue). Oh, the content was great as usual, but there was a problem. A "Mac Secrets Toolkit" mail-in offer, printed on cover stock, brochure-style, was affixed to page 33 of the magazine. It was stuck to the page using that rubbery type adhesive that we all like to roll up into booger-like projectiles and flick at coworkers. You know what I'm talking about. I tried to gently peel this brochure off and ended up tearing the page... badly. I really don't mind all the inserts falling into my lap when I leaf through your magazine, even the thick subscription pages bound in the middle of your publication are tolerable... but to stick a cover-stock-triple-folded-item on a thin magazine page is lunacy. Whoever did this needs to go back to magazine school.

I think you owe me something for my troubles. I mean, my troubles regarding the torn page. So here's what I want. I want my page replaced with a fresh, untorn one. Don't just send me a whole new magazine... oh, no... I want you to go to the president of MacAddict, take his/her personal copy, and tear out page 33 right in front of his/her face. While you're at it, give him/her a big slap across the face with the rest of the magazine, compliments of an unhappy subscriber. You can spit on the magazine first if you want to. That's YOUR call. Send the page to me next day air... I want you to use the quickest and most expensive shipping there is, because that's just how damn special I am. Also, you wouldn't believe how beautiful I am, but that's another story for later. If this doesn't happen, I'll have to drive out there, from Tennessee, and crack some heads. I live in Knoxville and they call me The Head Cracker and they ain't talkin' 'bout Saltines, baby.

Well, have you got started on this yet????

What are you waiting on? Your sissy little cappuccino to cool off? MOVE IT!!!

- Mark Longmire



I sure hope I don't get sued.


Thursday, 6/29/00 - I stopped over at my mom's house and was watching TV with her when I saw a new Big Lots commercial. I couldn't believe it... Jerry Van Dyke was shown actually inside the store! (See 5/3/00 comment for more info.) After a brief stunned pause, not believing what I was seeing, I yelled out "HE'S IN THE STORE!!!! LOOK!!! HE'S REALLY IN THE STORE!!!!"

My mom just stared at me.

I think I dwell on the ridiculous to the point that it becomes completely rational in my mind.


Monday, 6/26/00 - Today at work, Carolyn and Tom (members of an employee satisfaction team) met with our department concerning the results of a survey that was sent to all employees last month. Carolyn and Tom brought cookies and punch to the meeting. It seemed to be a nice gesture until someone pointed out that it looked like the words "Merry Xmas" had been scratched off the cookies. Also, the punch had pinto beans floating in it.

Tom broke the ice by relating to us, in graphic detail, his lifelong fear of being naked. He was interrupted by our attempts to resuscitate a female coworker after she suffered a panic attack.

Back on track after this delay, Tom began talking to us about the results of the survey. Concerns and complaints were aired. Most of the complaints seemed to involve me. A portion of those are listed:

1. There were some complaints about me inserting pornographic footage into the Bike Safety videotape presentation during a safety meeting last summer. (Well, at least it livened up the meeting and there was a long question and answer session afterwards.)

2. Some employees were alarmed when I released the rabid bunnies during the Easter egg hunt which was held on the company grounds for the children of employees. (Seemed funny at the time.)

3. The conference room is not to be used as my own personal steam room.

4. Complaints stemmed from my using company microwave ovens for the purpose of heating up multiple metal cans of Beefaroni.

5. No one is the least bit interested in seeing my ass.

6. My choice of costume, portraying the late founder of the company (as he would look like if he just rose from the grave and was craving human flesh), at the last Halloween party was not well received.

7. It seems that my female coworkers do not like to be referred to as "sugar britches."

8. If you can't write anything nice when signing a birthday card for a coworker, don't write anything at all.

9. On a similar note, there were multiple complaints about the disappearance of envelopes routed from office to office containing cash contributions for fellow employees' weddings, baby births, Secretaries' Day, etc., immediately after I received the envelope. The complainants claimed that I would disappear also, only to be seen later wearing a new shirt. (Purely coincidental.)

10. The use of an air horn is not necessary to indicate that you have a question during a meeting.



I denied one of the complaints to the group and I emphasized this very strongly... I had nothing to do with the planning, execution, or disastrous results of the medical division "Singing Cadaver Incident."

The group began to get a little hostile toward me. Tom tried to change the subject by stating that he had just seen the film "Jumanji" and started talking about his favorite part of the film. The group was dumbfounded and all eyes turned to glare at Carolyn and she immediately shouted "I don't know nuthin' about birthin' no babies!"

The survey continued to be the central topic. After it was thoroughly discussed, Tom pulled a slice of peach cobbler out of the front of his pants and proceeded to eat it. He asked us if we had any questions about the cobbler. After a brief silence, Tom asked us if we had any comments or questions about anything in general. I stated that my astronaut application form had been rejected... AGAIN.

After the telling of a vicious ethnic joke by our part-time VOE student, the meeting was adjourned.


Friday. 6/16/00 - I've instructed my coworkers that I would like to be called "Mr. Shaft" next week.


Tuesday, 6/13/00 - The majority of my neighbors are the type of people who mow their lawns once or twice a week as if it were a religion to to them. I, on the other hand, wait until my grass is almost knee high... I mow about every 3 weeks. It might take me a little longer to cut my high grass, but it works out to be less time mowing overall compared to time spent by the yard fanatics around me. I think they resent my attitude and have become my enemies... my mow-foes.

(That was quite a long set up to get to that lame joke, wasn't it?)


Monday, 6/12/00 - Things You'd Probably Rather Not Read About (Number 1 in a series)
This morning, shortly after I woke up, I noticed a mushy pile of regurgitated cat food on the living room carpet (oh, by the way, I have two cats). After I got ready for work, I went to clean it up and it was gone.


Sunday, 6/11/00 - Today I saw a religious bumper sticker that read "Eternity: Smoking or Nonsmoking?" Hey, what happened to the "first available" option?


Saturday, 6/10/00 - I think I saw a jogger with Turet's Syndrome today. I was stopped, trying to make a right turn onto a busy road when he ran in front of me while blurting out "B*tch, sh*t, Jesus!"


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