Thursday, 11/28/02 - Happy Thanksgiving!
Someone sent me this turkey recipe today...

Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving or Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully (see attached)
3. Roast according to your own recipes and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces.

That's pretty funny. That turkey is just begging for some "add-ons."

Well, if you're going to the trouble of creating tan lines on a naked turkey, you might as well add nipples and pubes... right?

I mean, what's Thanksgiving with out nipples and pubes?

Incidentally, Thanksgving is the anniversary of The (almost) Daily Comment. I've been turning out this (almost) daily crap for a glorious three years now. Check out the very first entry if you're interested.

Friday, 11/22/02 -

Miss World riots kill dozens

Miss World officials have decided to move the pageant to London from Nigeria after rioting there killed more than 100 people and injured more than 500. Riots erupted after a newspaper suggested the Prophet Mohammed would have approved of the beauty contest being held in Nigeria.


If you didn't know this story was for real, you'd swear it was a gag article from the newspaper parody The Onion.

Absolutely unbelievable.

My grandmother always used to tell me, "If you're going to play strip Twister, wear clean, unstained underwear."


I want this book for Christmas...

"Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal"

Monday, 11/18/02 - I've finally got most of my voice back although I'm still a little hoarse. I mean, my voice is still a bit raspy... I'm not a pony. Heh, heh, get it?


Uh... yeah. Anyhoo, while I was out sick from work a couple of weeks ago, I watched some daytime TV. Note to all guys out there who don't watch daytime TV: there's a show being broadcast that threatens to undermind all that we do. I'm talking about this show called The Other Half.

Its subtitle is "The World of Women Through the Eyes of Men."

Right. Speak for yourselves, ninnies.

This show is hosted by four guys: 107 year old Dick Clark, Danny from the Partridge Family, and two other pansies. What I saw was these four guys pandering to a studio audience full of women, telling them exactly what they want to hear. I guess the show is designed to show women that men have a soft and feminine side and that we care deeply about women. That's fine with me, but these guys... oh, these guys... on this show take being on the side of women way too far... sometimes to the point of turning on their own gender and manbashing.

Plus, these guys were sitting around in aprons talking about baby gift baskets. One guy commented on how cute the teddy bears were in the basket.


And I don't think that women would want them to. I would hope that women would prefer men to be men... and not expect us to sit around in French maid outfits comparing raspberry tuna souffle recipes.

I went to the show's website and found the area where you can submit topics for the show. I offered this idea and I really hope they go through with it...

I've been seeing this commercial for Target on TV lately. It's a rotoscope animation showing some young boys sneaking out at night to a treehouse. Once at the treehouse, they insert a DVD of "Spirit - Stallion of the Cimarron."

Yeah, sure. A bunch of adolescent boys are going to sneak out to a treehouse to watch a cartoon about a horse.

I hate chatty cashiers... especially when they comment on the items I'm purchasing. I went to the grocery store this past weekend and bought the following items: milk, batteries, windex, kitty litter, hot apple cider drink mix, and paper towels. The smiling and too-friendly cashier gets a little nosy, which irritates me...

Cashier: That sure is an odd group of items you're buying there.

Me: I'm making a bomb.

That's the point right there, my friends, where a smile turns upside down. My God-bless-America-big-orange-T-wearing chatty cashier gets quiet and serious looking. She probably hasn't looked this serious since Princess Diana died. All the scanning beeps in the store go silent as well as all the squeaking shopping carts. The only sound I hear is of a big biker dude somewhere behind me in line shouting "HELL, YEAH!!!"

Judging from this photo that accompanied a article today concerning the return of UN inspectors to Baghdad, I think there's a little bit of political dissent and disapproval of Sadaam Hussein among his fellow Iraqis...

Tuesday, 11/12/02 - A Friendly Reminder...
The holidays are just around the corner... have you picked out your Christmas outfit yet?

I have.

Friday, 11/08/02 - I can't shake this damn cold. My voice is cracking so bad that sometimes when I talk, nothing comes out. This is bad news for a smartass like me... it hurts the snappy comebacks. I think I may go back to the doctor today.

Wednesday was my 43rd birthday. I celebrated by taking some Nyquil and going to bed.

Well, election day came and went. Sin wins once again! The lottery vote in Tennessee was victorious. This first hurdle has been, well, uh, hurdled and now the bickering in the state legislature can begin. I heard somewhere that if all goes well, we may have the lottery up and running by December 2003.

I don't know why anyone in their right mind would send this to me, but they did...

Monday, 11/04/02 - After a relapse of my cold (which I now think is the flu), I'm home sick from work again. I've had this illness for over a week now and must have blown and hacked out more mucous to fill a gallon milk jug. Where does all that stuff come from?

Well, tomorrow is election day. Here in Tennessee, the big races are the gubernatorial race (to select a new gubernator) and U.S. Senate race, as well as a referendum vote to consider changing the state constitution to allow a state lottery.

I hate politics and especially politicians. Watching the endless ads on television, it's fun to make note of the standard formulas of images that the candidates cram into their TV spots. The Tennessee candidates have used the following so far:

  • Be sure to be seen in a classroom working with/reading to small kids (preferably black kids)
  • Do not wear a jacket when talking to "everyday" folks
  • Be seen with senior citizens, farmers, and construction workers
  • Be shown having a picnic or at a playground with your family
  • Include images in background of flags waving
  • Mention military service as often as possible
  • Be seen reading the bible, and/or wearing a US flag scarf
  • Be shown talking to young couples (preferably young black couples)
  • Make NASCAR-themed commercials (I'm serious, I've seen this)
  • Be seen walking/talking with President Bush

And as far as the lottery goes, churches have come out against it claiming that it's gambling and that poor people will be spending too much money buying lottery tickets. I think their real motivation for being against the lottery is some other hidden reason that they're not revealing. It has to be about money... maybe they're concerned about lighter collection plates. When you boil it down, everything is about money.

Personally, I will be voting for the lottery. By having a lottery in Tennessee, it will save me countless trips to either Kentucky or Georgia to play their lotteries. And with the bad condition of Tennessee roads thanks to unfinished road projects, driving to these other states makes for a rough ride and risks my beer spilling into my lap.



©2002, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire