- Well, I had a big day today. A friend and I traveled to the Harrah's
Casino in Cherokee, North Carolina where we won $12,000!!!!
so I'm lying... about the winning part... but we did go there. If
we had won, I'm sure we would had looked as happy as this
lifted, without permission, from Harrah's web site.)
what expressions on these two. It looks as though the guy is just
a little too excited and is squeezing the breath out of his bee-yotch.
we left for Harrah's about 1:00 this afternoon, and got there about
4:30. The trip from Knoxville is a tiring one. You can avoid Pigeon
Forge (Home of Dollywood) pretty well and bypass Gatlinburg (Home
of Tourist Crap), but to get to Cherokee you sure can't bypass the
mountains. What a drive... 30 miles on a two-lane twisting mountain
road. But the drive was made a bit more enjoyable by listening to
a Luther Vandross CD that I shoplifted just before we left.
you finally get to Cherokee. Now,
there's a charming town... a gritty little hamlet specializing in
The Exploitation of the American Indian. If you go there, count
how many times you see the word "moccasins."
stopped for gas and directions. I hestitantly asked the convenience
store clerk (who is an Indian) where Harrah's is. I hesitate because
this pretty much identifies me as "the white guy tourist."
pulled into Harrah's parking lot and my friend starts dying laughing
when she sees a bunch of mobile homes on the side of the hill with
the title "Casino Villas." We
caught a shuttle bus to the front door of the casino. We walked
in from stifling heat outside and were hit with a blast of air-conditioned
air filled with the smell of cigarettes.
the nearest thing I've seen to gambling in person is back when I
was married and went with the wife one night to play bingo... tough,
professional bingo (before it was outlawed in Knoxville), not some
retirement home social event. The bingo bothered me. I don't have
any moral problem with gambling at all, but the wife was forking
out money for game after game like it was of the Monopoly brand.
That's the part that bothers me about gambling... the casual handling
and risking of sums of money. Sure, you have the chance of winning,
but I've never had much to play around with.
I walked into the casino area, I felt overwhelmed much like an outback
aborigine might feel on his first trip to a Wal-Mart. I staggered
around for a few minutes and took it all in. My friend has been to
Las Vegas, so she had experience somewhat. We converted some cash
into coinage and headed for the slot machines. On
the way, I saw big-time players sitting at machines with $100 bills
in their hands, ready to feed into the machine... while I rattled
by with a cup of $10 in quarters. Small potatoes, that's me.
should pause right here and say that this was not a "casino"
casino... in the traditional sense that you would think of one.
Every bit of gambling there was done on videogame-like machines.
There were some dealers at tables, but... and get this... they didn't
deal cards to the players. The players had little video screens
in front of them displaying their cards while the dealer pushed
buttons to conduct the game. Weird stuff.
weirder were these two clowns on stilts walking around juggling
frisbees. I have to tell you, there were a lot of confused elderly
women's faces when those two strolled by. Imagine a bunch of old
hard-ass women with bad hairdos looking up from their gambling,
cigarettes dangling in gaping mouths, and in unison silently forming
the words, "What the f...."
sum up, we spent about 4 and a half hours and $60 there (that includes
a "fabulous" all-you-can-digest buffet meal for two).
We also realized (thankfully) that we are not gamblers... we don't
have the "fever," we didn't spend more than we set out
to, we left when we planned to... and even though we did win a bit
of money (but fed it back into the slots) we generally suck as gamblers.
But, besides the hellacious drive there and back, it was fun entertainment
for a few hours. We both agreed that the drive was actually a good
thing after all... it's just far enough to be a deterrent against
routine repeat trips to "The Money Pit of the Smokies."
- Please repeat after me...
pledge adhesives to the hag and her Collectible Plates of America
and to the redundant with witchy pants, one NASCAR under Dale, indigestible,
with linguini and cell phones for all."
page has good intentions... but is just a tad too much...
- On the CNN
website the other day, sounding like must-see TV or a plug for
a new summer movie... "New
bin Laden video on the way." "Americans should fasten their
safety belts" because he "will soon appear on television screens."
addition, al Qaeda sources say bin Laden is alive and well and preparing
future attacks against the United States... "as soon as he
finishes a model kit he's been working on."
that you never have a redneck
neighbor. Or if you are one and can relate to this awesome tale,
this may help you identify and end your stupidity.
saw Minority Report tonight. It's got plenty of cool gadgets
and vehicles, graphic special effects... but I have to tell you
that it has as many story flaws in it as it does shameless product
placements. It's plain to see that Nokia, Pepsi, Lexus, The Gap,
Ben and Jerry's, among others, are still going strong 50 years from
now. Although the movie was enjoyable overall, I would recommend
this movie be seen on video with a group of friends... so that you
can discuss how many discrepancies in logic that there are in the
worry about me, I'll be OK. I don't need anything. Well, except
maybe a red kitchenette chair... and another chair... a golden crushed
velvet one. Yeah, that's all I need. Oh, and a carpeted platform
thing and a couple of garbage cans...one filled with a big foam
rubber block...that's all I need. Better take a hot water heater...
just in case. Yep, that's all I need in this world, thankyouverymuch.
So, go on and enjoy your precious life and don't give a second thought
about me. I'll be on my way now.
Happy Father's Day, you freaks!
was a beautiful day in Knoxville yesterday. I went out to the airport
and took a look at a couple of WWII vintage bombers (a B-24 Liberator
and a B-29 Superfortress) on display by the Commemorative
on above photo to see a panoramic shot I pieced together of both
down a street in a neighborhood I'm not usually in, I saw a sign
that read, "LOCAL HONEY FOR SALE." Hmmm... looked like
an ad for a friendly little neighborhood prostitution ring.
6/15/02 - I
rediscovered this old photo of myself taken by Suzy J.
the hair real or is it Photoshop? Only my hairdresser knows for
6/14/02 - NEWS
FIREFIGHTER EXECUTED! ...
in a series, titled... The Disgruntled Sign-Guy
6/13/02 - I
got this chain letter e-mail today...
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother
is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying.
The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born
without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag
filled with leaves.
The doctors said that was the best they could do on account
of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a
body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work
because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't
cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag.
Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to
burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I
hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this
email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't
Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this
email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel
to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from
school children all over America and have the astronauts take
them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.
Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and
he will take up a collection in church and send all the money
to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I
can only be third base.
Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take
more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to
Please help me! Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't
want my leaves to rot before I turn 10! If you don't forward
this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless
bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only
a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of
your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow,
horrible death and then burn forever in hell.
What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five
freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that
they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless
Please help me.
I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I
wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that
wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves
of my burlap body. I wish that very much.
Billy "Smiles" Evans
P.S. You can send the money to the person who sent you this
because that person is very trustworthy.
6/10/02 - NEWS
Multiple Monks Murdered in Missouri Monastery Mayhem!
and I went to the Ripley's Aquarium in Gatlinburg yesterday. Check
out this shot of me
with my new friends as they gather around to hear a Christmas
6/9/02 - I'm
back, Jack! I've been busy this past week playing the new Playstation
2 game, Medal of Honor - Frontline. I don't play videogames very
much, but when I do play a new one I get obsessed and can't stop
until I finish it, even if it means staying up until 2 a.m. on a
weekday. The Medal of Honor games have been my favorites. If you're
a gamer, I strongly recommend this game. Excellent graphics and
now... about AdventureCon last weekend. Yes, I went and met
acting legend Richard Kiel (see 6/1/02 entry for more info).
It was a blast... read about it here.
bet this was a fun meeting...
6/1/02 - Lord Have Mercy, EEGAH'S in Town!
know where I'm going this weekend. Just a quarter-mile from my house
is an exhibition hall where AdventureCon is being held today and
tomorrow. Old toys, comic books, and collectibles will be available
for trade and sale along with appearances by several cult celebrities.
No, I don't mean that the Manson family will be there... I'm talking
about cult movie and TV celebrities such as: Batgirl and Catwoman
from the old Batman TV show, the guy who played Chewbacca in Star
Wars, the actor who played Michael Myers in Halloween II (how obscure
can you get?), the guy who donned the monster costume in Swamp Thing
(OK, even more obscure) and the main reason why I'm going... Richard
Kiel is the 7' 2" actor best known for the role of "Jaws" from the
James Bond films, but I like him best as the star of my all-time
favorite bad movie, EEGAH! Here's some
more info in an article from Metro Pulse, Knoxville's alternative
newspaper, and also this
article from The Knoxville News Sentinel.
have commentary and some photos from this convention on The (almost)
Daily Comment next week. In the meantime, enjoy The
Richard Kiel Experience.
out for snakes!"