The WeatherPixie

Hi, I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU. Click here if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee. 



Friday, 5/30/03 - The 2nd annual Adventure Con is being held here in Knox Vegas tomorrow and Sunday. Lots of veteran sci-fi/horror TV and movie celebrities will be on hand as well as a galaxy of collectible merchandise in the vendor area.

I know I'm going... just like I did last year!

Expect a full report in a day or two on the freaky happenings.

Convert any html text on any website into rap lingo with the use of Snoop Dogg's Shizzalator... know what I'm sayin'?

Thursday, 5/29/03 - I've made a personal decision not to donate money to charities anymore. Let me explain why.

Recently, President Bush signed an agreement to give $15 billion (over the next 5 years) to fight AIDS in Africa, plus of course, we taxpayers will be paying a few billion for a war in Iraq and its cleanup and policing. A war whose original purpose was to disarm Iraq of its weapons of mass destruction... weapons that are yet to be found after a couple of months now. During the course of the Iraq invasion by US troops, our government's justification for the war was changed, very subtly, to that of liberating the Iraqi people... once the possibility of the weapons' existence came into doubt. That's a fact you can't deny whether you were pro-war or anti-war.

Back to my decision...

Where I work, the employees are constantly deluged with a charity cause for this and that to the point that it is tiresome. There is an annual company-wide United Way campaign that applies peer pressure to give. Company departments compete for bragging rights and the company as a whole likes to have big donation figures to include in press releases.

Just recently, a drive started to help provide food for poor families. It may seem cold-hearted of me to not want to donate to this, but I feel that with the evidently bottomless pit of money our government seems to have for foreign concerns, there should be no reason why anybody should be starving in our own country.

So, I consider the taxes taken out of my paycheck every two weeks to be my charitable donation for our wise government to spend where they see fit... whether it be feeding a hungry family in East Tennessee, used as federal grant money for an "artist" to smear elephant dung on a crucifix, a study on why kids like cherry popsicles better than orange ones, or redecorating the employees' break room at an Iraqi oil refinery.

If you need money for charity, ask your president for it.

Wednesday, 5/28/03 - I received this strange e-mail at work today...

From: Computer Services Department (CSD)
Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2003 11:20 AM
To: All staff
Subject: Windows Updates


On Monday, April 21, CSD will begin to install the latest Microsoft Windows Critical and Security updates remotely on machines running Windows XP, 2000, and NT. Prior to the updates being installed, you will receive an administrative alert notifying you that installation is about to take place. REMAIN SEATED. The installation of these updates should not interrupt your work, though you may see occasional weasels pop up out of your keyboard as the updates install.

CSD will issue you a big rubber mallet to smack the weasels' heads as they pop out of the keyboard. One of the weasels, the big fat one, will state that the Microsoft virtual machine (VM) is being installed. When it has finished installing, it will prompt you to reboot your computer. DO NOT reboot your computer... continue smacking the weasels until an air horn sounds. Also DO NOT click on anything, ANYTHING (don't even click your heels), remain motionless, until these prompts go away within twelve to fifteen minutes.

If you have any questions, contact the CSD HelpLine at 555-4486, and ask to speak to the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

Tuesday, 5/27/03 - From


Monday, 5/26/03 - Merry Memorial Day!

Movie review time! The following are some comments on movies that I have seen fairly recently. Some were seen at the theater while others were viewed at home either on cable or video rental...

Bruce Almighty - I saw this movie yesterday afternoon. Jim Carrey brings some of quirky Ace Ventura to his character in this comedy but doesn't go overboard with it. The plot to this movie was somewhat predictable (guy gets power of God, uses it selfishly at first, then comes to his senses) but there are a lot of fresh and funny bits. Very enjoyable comedy and enough special effects (but not too much) to get the job done. It's worth a matinee or rental when it comes out on video.

Star Trek - Nemesis- Boring. Disappointing. Average special effects. Too many bald guys. Skip it.

The Hot Chick- Not as bad as you'd think it would be.

Monster's Ball - This is a unusual love story between a prison guard and the widow of an inmate he assisted in executing. This movie is slow-moving but has one of the steamiest sex scenes I've ever seen in a feature film. You get to see Halle Berry in all her nude saucy goodness, but unfortunately you see Billy Bob Thornton's naked ass in there, too. Good movie overall, though.

Breakfast at Tiffany's - After hearing praise about this film "classic" for a long time, I finally sat down and watched it one night on cable. What a stupid movie. How it ever got so much acclaim is beyond me. Standout Performance: in several instances, for comic effect, Mickey Rooney plays a Japanese man and it's got to be one of the most grossly over-the-top stereotypical portrayals of an Oriental that I've ever seen in my life. Thick round glasses, big buck teeth, replacing r sounds with l sounds and vice versa, the whole nine yards. If you haven't ever seen this movie and have the chance to see it... skip it.

The Core - Ebert and Roeper warned me not to see this. The local newspaper movie critic also put out a warning. But I went anyway, mostly because I hadn't seen a sci-fi movie on the big screen in a while. They were right... other than a pretty cool space shuttle emergency landing/crash sequence at the start, the movie pretty much sucked.

Sunday, 5/25/03 - OK, here's one for you...

"My god... Longmire is an idiot!"

Pretty clever, eh? I'm surprised that I, or anyone else, didn't come up with this sooner. Yeah, I know... it's pretty bad. Sorry.

Thursday, 5/22/03 - We have a new American Idol, folks!

Last night marked the season finale of American Idol with the coveted title going to Ruben Studdard of Birmingham, Alabama.

After the final winning announcement, American Idol Ruben celebrated by regurgitating the four Hardees triple Thickburgers® he had devoured just before the show's broadcast...

Runner-up Clay Aiken, of Raleigh, North Carolina, stated that now the competition is over, he looks forward to pursuing his singing career on Broadway with a one-man-show tribute to Martin Short, finding a comb and learning how to use it properly, and finding the right man to love and settle down with.

Monday, 5/19/03 - As you probably noticed, I haven't posted any entries for a few days. All I can say is that I get bored and lazy just like you normal humans. Sometimes life is just an endless routine of paying bills, dirty laundry, dishes to wash, and lawns to mow. I just have to take a break from this site from time to time and deal with that off-line world called reality.

So. let's get caught up.

Last Thursday was an exciting day here in the Knoxville area. Nature went berserk around 4:00 that afternoon. I was just about to leave work early, since I had skipped lunch to do just that, when I and most of my coworkers had to stay in our building to ride a mega-storm out. We only got a brief but fierce rainstorm, but in other areas there were tornados, hailstorms, uprooted trees crashing through roofs, and flash floods. Just after the storm let up a couple of hours later, 40,000 Knoxville area homes were without power, mine included. The idiots on the TV news reported people as "being in the dark." Stupid thing to say as it was still daylight at that time.

My mom's neighborhood ended up being on the local evening news... the hail was so deep there, it looked like it had snowed. A lot of people reported seeing tornados, but some only turned out to be what the weather guys called "gustnados." Yes, that is a real term that I had never heard before. Also, there was a sighting of a fast-moving Toronado in the area. Of course, some trailer parks were hit hard in the area. I heard on the radio from eyewitnesses that a tornado actually circled a trailer park before moving in and doing damage. Sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh at that... a taunting tornado. A tauntnado?

By the way, I'm sick and tired of hearing the word "tornadic."

There was also a report of a guy cutting his own arm off with a stapler when he got it tangled up in a sleeve while putting on a raincoat. That's how crazy people got during this near-chaos.

Reality Television.

Man, how many reality television shows are there currently? I ask this because I saw commercials for two new ones starting soon... Dog Eat Dog and Fame. Hopefully, the concept of reality TV, like all fads, will run its course soon.

I've noticed that there about 4 categories of reality TV, all of which are terrible:

1. Survival-type shows with "challenge" competitions
2. Talent/beauty pageant shows
3. Matchmaking/dating/engagement/marriage shows
4. "Real World" shows where you have the privilege of witnessing stupid people's daily lives in a home setting

I am not without sin. I admit to watching The Real World, the second season of Survivor (mainly because there was a Knoxvile girl competing) and a few episodes of Fear Factor. What amazed me about The Real World was that you had these seven 20-somethings given free room and board in incredible living quarters such as mansions, trendy apartments, and beach houses in exciting locales, and these ungrateful brats would whine and complain throughout the whole show. Lord, why didn't they have this when I was that age? I would have relaxed and had a fantastic time loafing, drinking, womanizing, and purposely pissing my roommates off. What fun, pushing people's buttons.

One of the biggies of reality TV is, of course, American Idol. Thankfully, its second season is mercifully coming to an end very soon. Horrible show. I read a little about this on this morning...

"The final pairing pits two opposing styles. (Clay) Aiken, 24, has been characterized as having a "Broadway-style" voice. (Ruben) Studdard, 25, fits in with the show's favoring of Mariah Carey/Whitney Houston belters known for their talents with melisma, the stretching of one syllable into several notes."

Melisma. So, THAT'S what that style of annoying singing is called! God, how I hate that crap! I've been referring to it as yodeling for the lack of a better word.


Thursday, 5/15/03 - Ripped from the headlines...

Oh, I don't have anything to report here... I've just always wanted to say "ripped from the headlines," that's all.

Big stuff going on today:

First, today the long awaited "The Matrix - Reloaded" opens in movie theaters today.

Second, there will be a lunar eclipse tonight at 11:13 PM. EST.

And last but not least, Late Night with Conan O'Brien will air a special show tonight, totally in clay animation. I've seen some clips and it's pretty crude, which can only add to the humor.

Friday, 5/9/03 - Today marks the 12th anniversary of my divorce, the end of my first and only marriage... so far. Oh, the memories. To commemorate this event, I came up with a little song, sung to the tune of the old Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song...

Who can turn my pants on with her smile?
Who can take a pleasant day and suddenly make it all turn hostile?
Well, it's you bitch, and you should know it,
You take the knife from your purse, then you throw it.
Love is all around, no need to waste me
You can have my wallet, also my car keys
Don't put me on the evenin' news...

Thank you. I will be available briefly for autographs in the lobby.

Thursday, 5/8/03 - Even though I've had a really bad cold for the past three days and am just getting over it, I've managed to complete the long-awaited Chapter 8 (Escape From the City of the Apes) of the Planet of the Apes... funkified! parody... just nine days later than I promised. Now, that's dedication for you! Enjoy it, my friends... we're almost done!

Thursday, 5/1/03 - Today, President Bush landed in a military jet onto an aircraft carrier cruising 100 miles west of the Pacific Coast, where he will be broadcasting a national address later this evening. How in the hell did that plan get approved... putting the most powerful man in the world's life in danger like that?

This looks like a campaign stunt, with us taxpayers footing the bill for this cowboy antic. Expect to see these images in his reelection campaign commercials next year.

Update: 9:45 p.m.- Bush struts across the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier before the ship's numerous crew to a podium to make his address. It was an incredible over-the-top God-Bless-America setting that, yes, was undoubtedly a campaign commercial in the making, so obvious it was laughable. Bush even donned his special sea-farin' outfit for the occasion...

Did you see on the Today show this morning about the alligator in Texas? Seems like some Tennessee highway patrolmen have relocated there taking jobs as game wardens.


  • A large gas station exploded in flames Thursday in central Baghdad. Witnesses said the blast was triggered by neighborhood residents firing gunshots into the air celebrating the return of electricity to the area. It was not immediately known whether anyone was killed or injured.

These are the geniuses we liberated. Those wacky Iraqis... you gotta love 'em!


©2003, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire