Saturday, 6/30/01 - I went out and bought myself a new swimsuit for the summer. I hope you like it... (portion of photo [I think you'll know which portion] used with permission, courtesy of Halcyon at cockybastard.com)
I got this mighty odd flyer
in my mailbox yesterday...
Friday, 6/29/01 - If you ever have that nauseous upset stomach feeling where you think that vomiting would help you, but you can't muster any up and you don't want to stick your fingers down your throat... I recommend a viewing of Celine Dion - Behind the Music on VH1. I think it will do the job quite nicely. In fact, you may never stop throwing up.
If that doesn't work, visit the home page of this website design service. Be sure to click on the Client List link. (Warning: Avoid the Client List page if you are prone to epileptic seizures.)
Thursday, 6/28/01 - I've found that being a parent of a teenager is punishment for putting your own parents through the same ordeal.
Wednesday, 6/27/01 - I went through the Burger King drive-thru last night, placed my order at the speaker and was told, "That will be $4.63, please go to the pickup window. Drive safely."
Drive safely? Did I actually hear her say that?
I'm just going around the corner of the building! Does the cashier know something that I don't? What's waiting for me on the other side... a grease fire?
Tuesday, 6/26/01 - A guy I used to work with and knew for years died last night... had a heart attack just outside the door to his business, just after a day's work. He was only 51.
Like every routine workday, I'm sure he got up yesterday morning, took a shower, brushed his teeth, got dressed, tied his shoes, had breakfast, drove to work, got annoyed with traffic... you know, nothing special. But yesterday, he never made it home. It happened to be the day he was to pass away.
Makes you think... we could go at any time. Any time at all.
Farewell, John. We'll miss you.
Monday, 6/25/01 - A Cornucopia of Segues
Thursday, 6/21/01 - So, I'm on my way to work this morning when this flatbed truck pulls out of a construction site onto the road ahead of me. It's hauling a small backhoe... and an incredible amount of accumulated dirt. Well, the truck is creating quite a wake behind it... a traveling dust storm. I back off some distance so that I am not right behind it and to avoid getting my car any dirtier than it already is. I also do this so I can see the road and breathe, too. The driver behind me sees what I am doing and has the same idea. However, the driver of a pickup truck two cars behind me has no patience for this and passes both of us. I say to him and myself "Be my guest, Billy Joe Bob!" The pickup is now directly behind the flatbed, tailgating him, almost obscured now from the dirt cloud.
Now, this a two-lane road we're on, and if the rules haven't changed since I took my written driving test 25 years ago, if a solid yellow line is on your lane's side of the yellow dotted center line, that means that it's not advisable for you to pass. Another visual clue to not pass is that line on your side as you go around a blind curve. Well, the pickup driver ignores these warnings and keeps attempting to pass the flatbed, swerving over into the opposite lane, only to encounter oncoming traffic and having to swerve back behind the flatbed. This goes on for a while and is quite an entertaining spectacle from my distant and safe vantage point. I feel like I'm watching The Road Warrior and halfway expect to see a mohawked biker guy with a crossbow jump out of the pickup and onto the roof of the flatbed to battle its driver.
Eventually, this two lane road merges with a four lane highway and the pickup finally gets his long-awaited wish to get around his obstacle. And most important of all, I too finally get past Lawrence of Arabia and enjoy the rest of my commute dust-free.
I also found the time to snap a picture of this sign along the way...
Exactly what is this supposed to mean?
Wednesday, 6/20/01 - Mr. Christopher Shields tells how a routine trip to Office Depot turns into a nightmarish journey into the depths of Hell.
Tuesday, 6/19/01 - Every now and then it's refreshing to get off the confounded computer and do some art by hand. Another thing I did during my hiatus last week was to finally finish a pencil drawing that I had first sketched out on illustration board over a year ago. It's of my favorite silent film comedy icon, Buster Keaton. Check it out.
Movie Review Time
Shadow of the Vampire - A fictional account of the making of the classic silent horror film Nosferatu... with the premise that the filmmakers used a real vampire (a great job by Willem Dafoe) in the title role. A very odd and stylish film, but it has a weak ending. The vampire reminded me of the dad on Mork and Mindy.
What Women Want - My daughter wanted to rent this and it turned out that I enjoyed it more than she did. It's a pleasant romantic comedy where arrogant playboy-type Mel Gibson accidentally electrocutes himself, which results in him acquiring the power to hear women's thoughts. Of course, this would be a great gift to have... if you looked like Mel Gibson. For the rest of us guys, hearing what women think of us could be very, very depressing.
Pearl Harbor - I, like a lot of guys, love World War II movies. I don't know why... I just do. This one wasn't too bad... when it finally got around to the fighting. Too much love story, not enough shooting and "blowed up stuff." A lot of movies these days try to use ill-fitting rock music to fill the soundtrack. Unfortunately, the makers of Pearl Harbor did the same thing. Here's a portion of the soundtrack that played during the Japanese attack (wav file, 488k). Somehow, this choice of music took away from the seriousness of the subject.
Evolution - Nice little comedy about a meteor that crashes near a small community in Arizona, bringing with it alien microbes that evolve and grow into vicious creatures at an astonishing rate. Similar in plot to Ghostbusters, mainly because it was created by the same guy. Favorite line from the film: "There's ALWAYS time for lubricants!!!!" I can't describe this scene, you'll have to see it for yourself.
Friday, 6/15/01 - Last night I went to downtown Knoxville for a free outdoor concert, one in a series called "Sundown in the City." Well, with the large number of people who decided to bring their pets down there, they should rename it "Dog Shit in the City." Oh, this was the happening place to be seen if you were cool. I've never seen so many ultra "hip" people in my life. And the music... I guess I prefer music with a tune to it rather than the meandering, "jazzy" crap they were playing. I think they were making it up as they went along. Maybe I just picked a bad night.
Thursday, 6/14/01 - The other night I watched a very enjoyable show on MTV. I know, I know, that's a uncommon thing to say. The show was titled "Music in High Places" and featured the group Collective Soul... in Morocco. The group performed their songs acoustically in ancient ruins, in the streets, in plazas and marketplaces... not to seated audiences, but to everyday Moroccans who happened to be nearby. The show had a peaceful and spiritual feel to it, which is a rare, if not impossible, thing to see on MTV. Alas, as soon as the show was over, MTV immediately went back to its regular brainless programming with the teenybopper girl-group Destiny's Child and the making of their video, "Bootylicious." Oh, God help us all.
Wednesday, 6/13/01 - I went out and bought "Cast Away" on DVD. It's the second time I've seen this movie and after watching it, I still have the same feeling about one aspect of it. The main point in the love story between Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt is that he is shipwrecked for four years with her on his mind the entire time, and when is rescued, he returns to her to find that she has married someone else in the meantime. OK, most people would think that is the sad part. You know what I think is the sad part and the character I feel the most for? The poor guy that married the Helen Hunt character during Hanks' disappearance. Hunt tells Hanks at the end of the film that he is the "love of her life." Imagine how her husband would feel hearing that or knowing that. Think of it... to be married to a woman and not being "the one." To be second best and someone your wife just settled for. That would be devastating and I'm sure it happens a lot in real life... but probably not due to being stranded on a desert island, of course.
Tuesday, 6/12/01 - I'm not quite sure what happened last night... I have no recollection of the events that transpired...but I have an idea that the partying may have gotten out of control. I woke up this morning... uh, make that this afternoon... went to the mailbox and saw this when I turned back around and walked toward my house.
Anybody know a good, affordable handyman?
Monday, 6/11/01 - I've taken this week off from work. I don't really have any plans to go anywhere... good thing since I won't be in any shape to drive. I'm just going to party all week like it's 1999. To get the party in gear, I've rigged all the faucets in the house to flow with ready-made gin and tonics. I even bought the new Millennium Funk Party CD (be careful how you spell that). Oh yeah, baby, it's gonna be sweet. Sweeter than a bar fight with biker chicks getting their halter tops torn off. If this house is rockin', don't come a'knockin'... unless you've brought along your promiscuous sister. Word to the mother and pass the redeye gravy.
Friday, 6/8/01 -
6/7/01 - I LIVE AGAIN!
But it wasn't my fault... I think.
Yes, just over a year has already passed since I bought space on this web host's server and the dues were... well, due... and no one informed me of the approaching shutdown. Oh, they claimed they e-mailed me a notice, but I think they were too busy smoking their dope and just imagined that they did. After filling out online "billing resolution forms" and sending e-mails ...with both methods receiving no response whatsoever, I finally called them this morning and miraculously got to speak to a human being. The whole matter was cleared up in a few minutes, the renewal was paid, so The Wonderful World of Longmire is now signed up for another year of frolicking fun!
Fortunately, I don't think it was off-line long enough for any the meat to ruin and the milk to sour. So, everything is still here, fresh from the farm to you. I apologize if this outage inconvenienced, disappointed, or emotionally scarred (or scared) you.
Wednesday, 6/6/01 - Moments ago, Jay Leno just told a pretty good one. He was commenting on a news story about a 62 year-old woman giving birth to a baby. He said that the doctors knew she was pregnant when her dust broke.
Get it?... "Dust" instead of "water?" You know... heh, heh, heh...see, she was old... and...uh...ah, forget it!
Well, I thought it was funny.
Tuesday, 6/5/01 - I was going through some stuff at home this evening and ran across this 6 year-old clipping from the front page of the Knoxville News Sentinel...
I think they need to look at their photos a little closer before publishing them, don't you?
Monday, 6/4/01 - My cyber-pal Karen sent me a link to this page containing a series of answering machine messages from an irate psycho ex-girlfriend. There are 53 of them. The guy who posted them for the world to hear must be a very brave (and cruel) soul. They're especially chilling to me because the subject of her wrath is a guy also named Mark. It's funny but a bit sad as well. Warning: Contains some bad language.
Sunday, 6/3/01 - I was driving down the road today listening to a cassette tape of the soundtrack from the movie Footloose... don't ask me why because I don't even know. Now, this cassette was old... recorded from an LP almost 20 years ago. In between a couple of songs, I was startled to discover that I had slipped in a recording of myself acting a fool. I almost ran off the highway when I heard it unexpectedly on the tape. I had no idea that I had put that on there and I have no recollection at all of recording it. So, here you are ladies and gentlemen, a recording (wav file, 720K) of yours truly from the early 80s.
Saturday, 6/2/01 - Sometimes... no, a lot of times... I do bad things. Once, a group of friends and I were at a restaurant and I spotted a guy a few tables away and started putting words in his mouth to match the odd look on his face. I had our table laughing hysterically at this guy until his party started to leave and a lady friend of his led him by the arm to the door. Yep, you guessed it... it turned out that he was blind.
I felt kind of guilty, but weren't my friends just as guilty by laughing?
It was still kind of funny, though.
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