for breakfast food items at the grocery store, I don't know what
I must have been thinking about when I absent-mindedly asked a stock
boy where the Toaster Scrotums were.
is the correct well-wishing greeting for Good Friday? Anything you
can say sounds awkward. Have a good Good Friday? Have a happy Good
Friday? Have a nice Good Friday? Merry Good Friday? Top 'o the Good
Friday to ye? Thank God it's Good Friday? OR... Happy Crucifixion
Day, hang in there!!!?
called a customer at work today and got his voicemail. The recording
went through the standard "I'm unable to take your call right
now... blah, blah, blah..." but then it ended with "Dial
0 if you would like to speak to a colleague." I burst out laughing
because I misheard it to say "Dial 0 if you would like to speak
to a collie." I had to hang up, compose myself, and call again
to leave a message.
guess you had to be there.
OK... you're probably getting sick of me mentioning my new truck
but I just couldn't pass up mentioning this thank you letter
I got today from the dealer. This makes me wonder just what-in-the-hell
is going on down at Lance Cunningham Ford...
Fist service? Fruitful relationship? Oh lord, what have I gotten
"Name My Truck" Contest!
I've got an empty space on the front of my new truck and I need
some help to fill it. Think of a snappy name for my ride and you
could win a Wonderful World of Longmire
T-shirt! Yes, I know that's hard to believe,
but it's true... oh yes, it is!
it? Come up with something genius for me to put in the front license
plate frame and you get a t-shirt!
your entries to me by April 30, 2002. Enter as many ideas as
you like and a Special Committee will pick out a winner. Note:
Hey, I've got to drive this vehicle in public, so... no nasty stuff
please! OK, you can send the dirty stuff if you want for fun,
but it won't win. All entries (suitable for the public) will be
posted here in The (almost) Daily Comment.
exist in all corners of society
Well, I saw
something interesting yesterday. I was eating my lunch in the car
before heading into a book store and this guy in a big new Buick
pulls up and parks. You know how some jerks park diagonally and
straddle two spaces? Well, that's what this guy did... in the
handicapped parking places! But... and this is weird... the
guy had handicap tags on his vehicle as well, so he was in effect
doing his fellow handicappers a disservice. Talk about totally not
giving a crap. Isn't this belligerent behavior toward your own kind
similar to "black on black" crime? I guess there is an
ongoing war in the handicapped community that we know nothing about
and it's just now rearing its ugly head. Any day now, we'll start
hearing about roll-by shootings and chairjackings.
know... sometimes I see things that remind me that even though my
life has its share of problems, things could be worse...
- I was poking around in the Owner's Guide to my new truck and came
there go my plans for the summer.
- Misadventures at the Social Security Administration Office
I had to go to the Social Security office to turn in a form
to get my son a replacement card. Now, at
the time of the big divorce, his
mom (the ex-wife) had made a big deal out of it and demanded possession
of and taken the kids' cards and birth certificates. When I asked
her for the kids' SS cards recently, she informed me that they were
in her purse... which had been stolen (naturally).
since my son has started work and is soon going to test for his
learner's permit to drive, I had to get a replacement SS card for
him. Fortunately, you can download a form from their website to
fill out. Unfortunately, you have to appear at their office in person
to turn it in (because you have to show IDs for your child and yourself.)
Social Security office's clientele consists mostly of the dregs
of society asking very stupid questions. Old farts in from the farm
and people with all kinds of problems and physical ailments. You
came into the waiting room and had to "take a number and take
a seat." You'd be surprised at how many people either can't
grasp that concept or refuse to. Many times, people would go up
to the window to try to get service ahead of their number, but thankfully
the guy working the window (at the ONLY window being manned, I might
add) was tough enough to keep order in da house.
I had to wait for over an hour. In the meantime, I was entertained
by the sounds of crying babies and one guy coughing his left lung
up. Also, you'd be amazed at the clothing fashions that paraded
in front of me. I didn't know that many varieties of sweat pants
existed and that they could stretch to gargantuan proportions.
while I was wasting away my lunch hour, having not eaten yet and
starving, I had to watch a gorilla of a security guard eat his
lunch behind the other window that wasn't being used.
FINALLY got my turn and spent all of 5 minutes turning the form
in, showing my and my son's ID. I think the guy was relieved to
see me, for I was clean and dressed neatly and had my form filled
out correctly and had the proper credentials in order. I had the
feeling that he didn't get to see very much of that.
is interesting... to see where you stand personally in the grand
scheme of things.
- Man, I know... I know... I've been slacking on the (almost) daily
entries. Hey, I've been busy... I'll try to catch up.
some major news... at least for me. I bought a new vehicle yesterday.
A Ford Ranger Pickup.
also yesterday, my son immediately got the truck's CD player jammed.
He must have mistaken it for a toilet. Man, right off something
annoying happens. So, I guess I gots to take it in for service next
more news... my son Nick started his first job yesterday at Marshall's...
a nearby soon-to-be-open clothing store. Now he can start paying
back his gambling debt.
weekend I mentioned humorous bumper stickers. Christopher Shields
sent me the link to www.makestickers.com
where you make and buy your own custom-made bumper stickers. If
you don't want to buy any, you can use their templates and create
a funny or serious sticker or two, preview it, and then save the
art to your hard drive for online use... like these that I made...
of nuts... Susan and I came up with a good trick to drive a boss
or coworker crazy. Here's what you do...
a name list of well-known dead (or missing) celebrities and dead
political/historical figures. (Examples: JFK, Malcolm X, RFK,
Jon-Benet Ramsey, Chandra Levy, etc., ... you decide).
in some names of local people who have died to mix it up.
the top of the list, add the same kind of names, only this time
with known persons that currently living.
the name of your joke's intended victim at the bottom of the "alive"
list and before the "dead" list starts. Don't label
or separate the list in any way (don't have any "alive"
or "dead" headings... no headings at all).
out a copy of this list.
with a red marker, cross off the dead names, leaving your joke
victim's name as "next on the list."
this list where you think it can easily be found by your victim.
For extra kicks... paperclip a photo of his/her house to the list.
should freak him/her out completely.
last but not least...
PLANET OF THE APES... FUNKIFIED fans!
I'm putting the final touches on Part 6 and, as promised, I'll have
it online next week!
- Happy St. Patrick's
humorous bumper sticker appears among other equally twisted ones
on the current Dark
- You can easily write your own jokes for this...
- Today is my daughter's 14th birthday. Happy Birthday, Ashley!
a great link if you need sound files... FindSounds.com
is a great source for finding audio files on the web. And yes, they
loads of links to fart
- Curiosity got the best of me today as I was wondering if there
was an official farting competition anywhere. Don't ask why I was
wondering. A search on the web didn't really come up with anything
solid (no pun intended). I did find this
page, however. Plus, this
site seems to have everything covered on the subject.
- I don't think I want to see the new Mel Gibson movie...
on thumbnail for larger image)
- To those of you who have inquired about... and downright demanded...
the next installment of my "Planet
of the Apes... Funkified!" parody...
and ahoy! Yesterday, I started writing Part 6, The Monkey Trial.
It's purty dang good so far and it had me laughing quite a bit myself.
I vow, pledge, and promise to have this done before the end of March.
- I'm excited about this weekend. I've got my flamethrower all gassed
up and I'm heading to the used book fair!