There's a new one every Wednesday!

Buy something... cheapskate!

Sunday, 3/31/02 - Happy Easter!

Saturday, 3/30/02 - Looking for breakfast food items at the grocery store, I don't know what I must have been thinking about when I absent-mindedly asked a stock boy where the Toaster Scrotums were.

Friday, 3/29/02 - What is the correct well-wishing greeting for Good Friday? Anything you can say sounds awkward. Have a good Good Friday? Have a happy Good Friday? Have a nice Good Friday? Merry Good Friday? Top 'o the Good Friday to ye? Thank God it's Good Friday? OR... Happy Crucifixion Day, hang in there!!!?

I called a customer at work today and got his voicemail. The recording went through the standard "I'm unable to take your call right now... blah, blah, blah..." but then it ended with "Dial 0 if you would like to speak to a colleague." I burst out laughing because I misheard it to say "Dial 0 if you would like to speak to a collie." I had to hang up, compose myself, and call again to leave a message.

I guess you had to be there.

OK, OK... you're probably getting sick of me mentioning my new truck but I just couldn't pass up mentioning this thank you letter I got today from the dealer. This makes me wonder just what-in-the-hell is going on down at Lance Cunningham Ford...

No, thank you.

Fist service? Fruitful relationship? Oh lord, what have I gotten myself into?

Thursday, 3/28/02 - The "Name My Truck" Contest!
I've got an empty space on the front of my new truck and I need some help to fill it. Think of a snappy name for my ride and you could win a Wonderful World of Longmire T-shirt! Yes, I know that's hard to believe, but it's true... oh yes, it is!

You can't win if you don't play.
Get it? Come up with something genius for me to put in the front license plate frame and you get a t-shirt!

Send your entries to me by April 30, 2002. Enter as many ideas as you like and a Special Committee will pick out a winner. Note: Hey, I've got to drive this vehicle in public, so... no nasty stuff please! OK, you can send the dirty stuff if you want for fun, but it won't win. All entries (suitable for the public) will be posted here in The (almost) Daily Comment.

Jerks exist in all corners of society
Well, I saw
something interesting yesterday. I was eating my lunch in the car before heading into a book store and this guy in a big new Buick pulls up and parks. You know how some jerks park diagonally and straddle two spaces? Well, that's what this guy did... in the handicapped parking places! But... and this is weird... the guy had handicap tags on his vehicle as well, so he was in effect doing his fellow handicappers a disservice. Talk about totally not giving a crap. Isn't this belligerent behavior toward your own kind similar to "black on black" crime? I guess there is an ongoing war in the handicapped community that we know nothing about and it's just now rearing its ugly head. Any day now, we'll start hearing about roll-by shootings and chairjackings.

You know... sometimes I see things that remind me that even though my life has its share of problems, things could be worse...

"Clean me up, Mommy."

Wednesday, 3/27/02 - I was poking around in the Owner's Guide to my new truck and came across this...

Damn... there go my plans for the summer.

Tuesday, 3/26/02 - Misadventures at the Social Security Administration Office
I had to go to the Social Security office to turn in a form to get my son a replacement card. Now,
at the time of the big divorce, his mom (the ex-wife) had made a big deal out of it and demanded possession of and taken the kids' cards and birth certificates. When I asked her for the kids' SS cards recently, she informed me that they were in her purse... which had been stolen (naturally).

Anyhoo... since my son has started work and is soon going to test for his learner's permit to drive, I had to get a replacement SS card for him. Fortunately, you can download a form from their website to fill out. Unfortunately, you have to appear at their office in person to turn it in (because you have to show IDs for your child and yourself.)

The Social Security office's clientele consists mostly of the dregs of society asking very stupid questions. Old farts in from the farm and people with all kinds of problems and physical ailments. You came into the waiting room and had to "take a number and take a seat." You'd be surprised at how many people either can't grasp that concept or refuse to. Many times, people would go up to the window to try to get service ahead of their number, but thankfully the guy working the window (at the ONLY window being manned, I might add) was tough enough to keep order in da house.

So, I had to wait for over an hour. In the meantime, I was entertained by the sounds of crying babies and one guy coughing his left lung up. Also, you'd be amazed at the clothing fashions that paraded in front of me. I didn't know that many varieties of sweat pants existed and that they could stretch to gargantuan proportions.

Also, while I was wasting away my lunch hour, having not eaten yet and starving, I had to watch a gorilla of a security guard eat his lunch behind the other window that wasn't being used.

I FINALLY got my turn and spent all of 5 minutes turning the form in, showing my and my son's ID. I think the guy was relieved to see me, for I was clean and dressed neatly and had my form filled out correctly and had the proper credentials in order. I had the feeling that he didn't get to see very much of that.

Now, this is interesting... to see where you stand personally in the grand scheme of things.

Sunday, 3/24/02 - Man, I know... I know... I've been slacking on the (almost) daily entries. Hey, I've been busy... I'll try to catch up.

Here's some major news... at least for me. I bought a new vehicle yesterday. A Ford Ranger Pickup.

And also yesterday, my son immediately got the truck's CD player jammed. He must have mistaken it for a toilet. Man, right off something annoying happens. So, I guess I gots to take it in for service next week.

Some more news... my son Nick started his first job yesterday at Marshall's... a nearby soon-to-be-open clothing store. Now he can start paying back his gambling debt.

Last weekend I mentioned humorous bumper stickers. Christopher Shields sent me the link to where you make and buy your own custom-made bumper stickers. If you don't want to buy any, you can use their templates and create a funny or serious sticker or two, preview it, and then save the art to your hard drive for online use... like these that I made...

Speaking of nuts... Susan and I came up with a good trick to drive a boss or coworker crazy. Here's what you do...

  1. Compile a name list of well-known dead (or missing) celebrities and dead political/historical figures. (Examples: JFK, Malcolm X, RFK, Jon-Benet Ramsey, Chandra Levy, etc., ... you decide).
  2. Throw in some names of local people who have died to mix it up.
  3. At the top of the list, add the same kind of names, only this time with known persons that currently living.
  4. Put the name of your joke's intended victim at the bottom of the "alive" list and before the "dead" list starts. Don't label or separate the list in any way (don't have any "alive" or "dead" headings... no headings at all).
  5. Print out a copy of this list.
  6. Now, with a red marker, cross off the dead names, leaving your joke victim's name as "next on the list."
  7. Leave this list where you think it can easily be found by your victim. For extra kicks... paperclip a photo of his/her house to the list.

This should freak him/her out completely.

And last but not least...

I'm putting the final touches on Part 6 and, as promised, I'll have it online next week!

Sunday, 3/17/02 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!

This humorous bumper sticker appears among other equally twisted ones on the current Dark Thoughts...

Tuesday, 3/12/02 - You can easily write your own jokes for this...

Saturday, 3/09/02 - Today is my daughter's 14th birthday. Happy Birthday, Ashley!

Here's a great link if you need sound files... is a great source for finding audio files on the web. And yes, they loads of links to fart sounds.

Thursday, 3/07/02 - Curiosity got the best of me today as I was wondering if there was an official farting competition anywhere. Don't ask why I was wondering. A search on the web didn't really come up with anything solid (no pun intended). I did find this page, however. Plus, this site seems to have everything covered on the subject.

Monday, 3/04/02 - I don't think I want to see the new Mel Gibson movie...

(Click on thumbnail for larger image)

Saturday, 3/02/02 - To those of you who have inquired about... and downright demanded... the next installment of my "Planet of the Apes... Funkified!" parody...

Achtung and ahoy! Yesterday, I started writing Part 6, The Monkey Trial. It's purty dang good so far and it had me laughing quite a bit myself. I vow, pledge, and promise to have this done before the end of March.

Friday, 3/01/02 - I'm excited about this weekend. I've got my flamethrower all gassed up and I'm heading to the used book fair!