A Knoxville woman filed a proposed class action lawsuit Wednesday against Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, MTV, CBS and Viacom, contending she and other viewers were injured by their lewd actions during the Super Bowl halftime show.

The lawsuit claims the broadcast companies and the two singers violated an "implied" contract with viewers not to subject them to allegedly lewd material.

(The) lawsuit seeks compensatory and punitive damages worth billions.

• Legally change my name to "The Magnificent Captain"
• Try to remember that most people would rather not see polaroids of me naked when they first meet me.
• Learn how to make a tastier gravy.
• Stop kicking the cat up into the ceiling fan.
• Return my neighbor's Baby Jesus figure to its nativity scene.
• Erase beard from Baby Jesus figure before returning it.
• The neighborhood pool is not the place to do my laundry.
• Stop drinking directly out of the milk, soda, orange juice, and baking soda containers in the refrigerator.
• Stop using the term "be-otch" when talking to police and other authority figures.
• Skip daily dosage of Viagra on Thursdays when I hang around playgrounds.
• Throw the Thanksgiving turkey out.
• Be kinder and more sensitive to retards.
• Try to lose weight so that I can slip back into that size 7 teddy.
• Have that rash seen about... by a medical professional this time.

Of course, I would consider living in a webcam house... if:

1. My fellow housemates didn't mind scheduled truck deliveries to the house to accommodate my daily diet of whale meat.
2. I could set up a laboratory in my room to continue my research on the effects of weightlessness on troubled teens.
3. There would be an agreement that no one could enter my room without my permission. But, I don't think we'd have a problem with that (see # 2).
4. I tend to shed a lot... housemates hopefully could overlook accumulations of dead skin and hair on the furniture, drapes, ceiling fans, kitchen counters, and themselves.
5. All the housemates must address me as "Absorbine Jr."
6. I get first dibs on the Kit Kat bars.
7. I could display my collection of medieval battle axes in a prominent area of the house.
8. No one messes with my toiletries or hair grooming products. And also leave my penis pump alone... I've got the settings just right and the instrumentation is delicate and complicated to reconfigure.
9. I'm extremely popular with the ladies. I usually bring home one or two strange ones every night. Sometimes noise and subsequent visits by law enforcement authorities may pose a nuisance to the other housemates. They would have to be tolerant of this.
10. What I say, goes... without question.