There's a new one every Wednesday!

Buy something... cheapskate!

Tuesday, 2/26/02 - Somebody's monkeying with the thermostat outside here in East Tennessee. After a great weekend and Monday, it was bone chilling today. Bone chilling! BONE CHILLING, I TELL YOU! DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID IT WAS BONE CHILLING!!!

I posted this today (edited slightly from the original) in the special Dale Earnhardt section of The Wonderful World of Longmire Message Boards...

In the local newspaper two Sundays ago, to commemorate the 1-year anniversary of the death of Dale Earnhardt, several Knoxville citizens were interviewed on how they've been coping with the loss of their god during the past year.

Several said things like "Racin' just ain't been the same since he died. It just ain't there no more. I went to watch Dale race."

I was alarmed that a lot of Dale fans had so much "Intimidator" memorabilia that they devoted entire rooms in their home just to house and display it. They referred to them as "Earnhardt Rooms."

Now, most American houses have rooms that have, over the years, have been given standard names such as: living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, den, kitchen, and in some cases names such as rec room, great room, sun room, music room, game room, etc.

Are we going to see Earnhardt rooms in the houses of the future? Are American home builders going to try to market this idea until it becomes a standard room like the list mentioned above? Is this what Mankind has come to? The thought is frightening.

I don't want an Earnhardt room. Please, America, don't make me have one.

The geniuses at Birchfield's are at it again. Witness yesterday's sign...

Sounds kind of kinky to me.

I would have asked them what that was... but I was too scared of what the answer might have been.

(Note: An elderly friend later told me that this is an old joke... a Honeymooner Sandwich is "lettuce alone." Cute.)

Monday, 2/25/02 - As you have heard by now, American journalist Daniel Pearl was savagely murdered and his body mutilated by his Pakistani kidnappers. It's frightening to know that in the year 2002, with all our technological achievements, we still live in a world with barbarians that cut off people's heads.

I've adopted a 5-word pledge that I'm going to follow for the rest of my life...

"Never leave the United States."

Saturday, 2/23/02 - The other night I watched MTV's The Real World. Yes, I admit it... I watch it from time to time. Well, this show featured a male housemate's gay date. In my younger years, I used to be very anti-gay. But as time went on, I mellowed out and figured out that I had no problem with them. But still... even in this year of 2002 in "the new millennium," I can't get used to seeing two men kiss on TV and send each other flowers after their date. Being a straight guy, I think it's pretty damn silly and have to laugh.

I also can't get used to seeing Waffle House waitresses breastfeeding possums.

"Good evening... and welcome to the Glutton Bowl."Friday, 2/22/02 - Wow... did anyone watch The Glutton Bowl on Fox last night? Several "athletes" competed for $25,000 by eating huge quantites of food such as boiled eggs, hot dogs, hamburgers, butter, sushi, mayonnaise, as well as bizarre items such as cow tongues, cow brains, and "rocky mountain oysters." This would be a great dieting idea... tape this show and replay it whenever you get that urge for chocolate cake. It's bound to curb your appetite. And these competetion eaters are quite serious about their "sport" as evident by this site.

Speaking of athletes, good Lord, are you as tired of these Winter Olympics on TV as I am? I've never liked to watch the winter games because they remind me that... well, that it's winter outside. Instead, show me the Bikini Olympics hosted in Hawaii, my friends.

This factoid was featured on my employer's daily news e-mail yesterday:

* DID YOU KNOW: In working toward his goal of reaching the soul and heart of man, Frederic Chopin (1810-1849) produced an enormous body of music, including 55 mazurkas, 13 polonaises, 24 preludes, 27 etudes, 19 nocturnes, 4 ballads, and 4 scherzos.

Impressive. The best I've ever done toward my goal of reaching the soul and heart of man is: 57 indecencies, 22 double entendres, 19 near misses, 34 indifferences, 28 hissy-fits, 43 anticlimaxes, 21 price gouges, and 16 brownie points.

My friend Susan saw it this way...

* DID YOU KNOW: In working toward his goal of reaching the soul and heart of man through his stomach, Frederic Choppin' (1810-1849) produced an enormous body of cooking, including 55 manicottis, 13 mayonnaises, 24 pralines, 27 eclairs, 19 egg nogs, 4 breads, and 4 smorgasbords.

Last month, I had this e-mail exchange with a coworker...

Brian: When you want to go see 'Blackhawk Down'?

Mark: Do you want to do a Saturday afternoon movie?

Brian: Yeah, sounds good. Hopefully some of the crowd will have cleared by then.

Mark: Let's take some guns and shoot at the screen.

Brian: I always like shouting "Allah is great!" when I do any shooting and I have a feeling we might not to get to finish seeing the movie, so let's save that for the next Easter egg hunt.

Mark: Can't we just yell out "Blackhawk Down!"... constantly?

Brian: Yeah, and always with a mouthful of popcorn.

Mark: Maybe we could throw our fellow audience members a curve every now and then and yell out "Grey Lady Down!"

Brian: And also every now and then a "Robert Downey Jr. Down!" Okay, maybe not.

Mark: "Hugh Downs!"

Brian: Mine was better.

Mark: "Downy Soft!"

Brian: That was much better.

Mark: Thank you, Downmaster.

Brian: You're welcome. Allah is great!

Mark: Yeah, he is, isn't he?

No, we're not terrorists, so calm down out there.

We finally decided on the phrase "BlackHugh Downs!" to yell at the screen. It didn't go over that well.

Wednesday, 2/20/02 - I'm constantly amazed by the stupid crap that comes up in our world. As you probably have heard, currently there is a horrible situation in northern Georgia involving a crematorium run by some extremely lazy (or evil) people. Incredible and unbelievable... why on earth would anyone mistreat the dead this way and how in the hell did they think they were going to get away with it... and for how long? This place isn't that far from Knoxville and I'm thankful that this didn't happen in Tennessee, since we seem to always get hit hard by stupid news stories and continue to look like rednecks to the rest of the country. Too bad it had to be in the South, though. Contrary to what some may think, we Southerners aren't stupid and we're tired of the idiocy of a small few of us.

Sunday, 2/17/02 -I took Friday off from work, which combined with Saturday, Sunday and tomorrow being President's day, made it a four-day weekend for me. So, what happened? I promptly got sick, of course. I woke up yesterday with what felt like a fever and my whole body constantly tingling like if someone had run fingernails down your back. Felt weird... kinda bad and kinda good at the same time. I feel better now, but I mostly just slept yesterday and can even remember what happened or if I spoke to anyone. I do remember having a weird dream, though. Since I was sick and it's also Black History Month, I dreamed that Abraham Lincoln was the first man to step out onto the moon's surface and his first words were, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Thursday, 2/14/02 -Happy Valentine's Day! If you're stuck on what to get your sweetie for this day, here are some ideas.

Wednesday, 2/13/02 -Well, I think everything's back to normal now with the site... But there's still some areas that I need to repost. As I was going through stuff, I was amazed at the number of files that a website can accumulate, and even more amazed at the disarray that mine was in. It's a wonder that this site works at all. This is a good time to organize better.

Have you seen the new iMac by Macintosh?

I'm sure it's a great computer and is loaded with all types of features...

... but it looks like a cheesy prop from a really bad sci-fi movie.


I was in a book store last Friday and saw this book...

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sex on the Net? I assume by "net" that they are referring to the Internet? Or is this some kind of kinky tennis manual?


Tuesday, 2/12/02 -This page may be missing some graphics and photos. I'm slowly building it back since the entire site has yet to be reposted by the geniuses at Interland (see yesterday's post).

I added some menu items to the "Activity Center" column on the left. Do you see them? Good. Visit the Gift Shop, buy some stuff, and make me a rich man. Thanks in advance.

Speaking of intestinal activity... a coworker and I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant today. Here's what I said to him at the buffet trough, "I'm glad you mentioned coming here... I needed a good bowel movement."

Monday, 2/11/02 - Well, I'm writing this while not really knowing when it will be read by you. The Wonderful World of Longmire, at this moment, doesn't exist on the web due to a major screw-up caused by a switching of ISPs. This wasn't my choice, but was apparently a buyout by my current/former Internet service provider. And it sure is frustrating to have the web site down and have no control over its reappearance. Hopefully, it will be back up soon.

Friday, 2/08/02 - I didn't sleep good the other night and actually had a nightmare with all kinds of bizarre images. It was one of those "dream-within-a-dream" things where I knew I was asleep and dreaming but was paralyzed and couldn't wake up out of it. I had to literally break out of the dream and woke up gasping around 3 a.m. I haven't had one of those in years and it was really weird. It can probably be attributed to eating half a carton of malted-milk balls (Whoppers) that night just before bedtime.

A special shout-out goes to my son on his 16th birthday today. Happy Birthday, Nick! And while I have your attention... clean up your room and take out the garbage.

Thursday, 2/07/02 - Take a look at this ad fast... I have a feeling the site's webmaster may find it at any second and delete it.

Every guy during his life hurts himself from time to time... and I'm talking about the terrible pain of a scrotum mishap. It can be accidental or from some external violent force. Now, here's a weird thought... what if it happened one day to every single male at the very same exact moment? Talk about a worldwide moment of silence...

Wednesday, 2/06/02 - Last Thursday was Dear Brian's birthday and one of the gifts he got was a life-size inflatable girlie doll. Brian has developed a fondness for his new friend. If only she felt the same way about him...

"Hey sugar, would you like to (whisper... whisper)... hey baby, don't be like that!!!

Tuesday, 2/05/02 -

I thought "tats" was slang for nipples until my son told me it meant tattoos.

I don't know about you, but the words "Smitty" and "surgical" just don't seem to go together. Scary.

Friday, 2/01/02 - At work, I wish whoever keeps plucking their belly button lint and placing it on top of the urinal would stop it.