(Note: Some of the external links on this page and archived (almost) Daily Comment pages may lead to sites and pages where the information may have changed or the page no longer exists. Sorry, I'm pretty powerful but I have no control over this.)


Friday, 11/30/01 - Farewell, George, and thank you for the music. Say hello to John for us.


Thursday, 11/29/01 - Actual conversation while taking my daughter to school this morning:

Daughter: Do you have a pencil here in the car? I need one for school.

Me: No, sorry.

Daughter: OK, I think I might have a little lead left in my pencil.

Me: (sigh) I know what you mean.

Daughter: Huh?

Me: Never mind.


Wednesday, 11/28/01 - Kind of a long entry today... bear with me and try not to nod off, OK?

Let us begin...

If you've got $10 burning a hole in your pocket, the folks at MonkeyPhoneCall.com will call up a person of your choice and howl and scream at them like... well, like a monkey.

Note: I'll do it for you for $5. (Uh... the monkey phone call, that is.)

Last night, I went outside, as I do sometimes, to look at the sky and moon... and urinate because my son had clogged up the toilet. For some reason, teenage boys have a knack for doing that. Anyway, as I stood there, I started to hear a rice krispie sound coming toward me... a gentle rain was starting to fall... and waited for the first raindrops to fall on me. Peaceful scenarios like this make you wonder how there could be so much violence and insanity in the world.

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Just before I went back into the house, I engaged in one of my favorite pastimes... getting the neighborhood dogs all riled up. I can do a very convincing dog bark and I got them worked into an incredible yelping frenzy. I usually do this on weekends at about 2 or 3 in the morning (and sometimes I even follow it up by calling the neighbors and complaining about the noise), but I thought I would brush up on my skills a little early on this occasion. Satisfied with having done my job, I went inside and let the neighbors deal with their pesky mutts.

Jonathan Clark sent me the following e-mail yesterday...

Subject: Happy Belated Birthday

You sexy thing! The baby picture just cemented the fact that you are a sexy devil!

Genevieve :)

Whoops! Wrong e-mail! Heh, heh, heh. (I'm kind of proud of that one and just wanted all of you to read it again.) OK, with apologies to Jonathan, here's what he really sent me...


If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive.

Not only that, but:

  • It will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

  • It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream gets melted.

  • It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

  • It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.

  • It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

  • It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

  • It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

  • It will make you fall in love with a penguin.

  • It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

  • It will pour sugar in your petrol tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

  • It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

  • It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.

  • It will kick your dog.

  • It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle.

  • It will give you Dutch Elm disease.

  • It will leave the toilet seat up.

  • It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bath and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase High School kids with your new snow blower.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!


Tuesday, 11/27/01 - Computer software technology is a beautiful thing... when it's in responsible hands. Take Photoshop, for example. Some people should not be permitted to use it. And these certain people should NEVER be allowed to post worthless Photoshop "tips" on the web. Some jail time is in order for whoever's responsible for this. Sheesh!

Lordy, for the first time since I've been doing this website, my alloted space on my host's server was full and I had to dump a couple of big files just to be able to post The (almost) Daily Comment today. That just goes to show you that I am getting too big for my cyber-britches. I'm going to have to store some big graphics and sound files on my backup host's server. See, I work hard to make sure you're continuously amused. You know, you could send me a nice fruit basket, a box of chocolates, or a pretty sun bonnet every now and then just to let me know you care...


Saturday, 11/24/01 - Every time that I eat a salad that contains a slice of cucumber, it doesn't matter if I eat pizza, steak, spaghetti, tamales, barbeque chicken, ice cream, cake, pie, ANYTHING of any quantity or variety after eating that salad... because later when I burp, I only taste that cucumber slice. Why is that?


Thursday, 11/22/01 - What I am thankful for...

Two great, intelligent, level-headed, and healthy kids.

My mom is still around and will be hopefully for many more years.

My brother and his two daughters, my nieces.

Great true friends that I can count on.

A good job with great coworkers.

Making a living at something I enjoy doing.

Hopefully w ithout sounding boastful, I am thankful for my sense of humor and artistic talent, both which I have my dad to thank for.

Living in a free country (although it has its faults) that is the greatest on Earth.

A nice home that I can call my own.

Not being heavily and hopelessly in debt.

Having a healthy life so far. No broken bones, no serious illnesses, no hospital stays since birth.

Women. Although I never have any, I still very much enjoy the whole concept and design of them.

This creative outlet called The Internet, where people like myself can express themselves without (m)any restrictions.

The people (you) who read and enjoy my web site, those who send me complimentary e-mails, and those that I have formed new friendships with due to my site. It means a lot to me.

And last but not least... I am thankful for that Master of Song... Mr. Wayne Newton.


Note: The (almost) Daily Comment is 2 years old today. Although 11/25 is the actual calendar anniversary date, I count Thanksgiving Day as the anniversary. Hope you have enjoyed it so far... there's a lot more to come!


Wednesday, 11/21/01 -

How to Prepare and Cook the Thanksgiving Turkey

Evening before Thanksgiving:

  • Go to supermarket and get whatever rejected, picked-over turkey you can find.

Thanksgiving morning:

  • 6 a.m.: Bounce out of bed, race into kitchen, eager and anxiously ready to cook that turkey. Return to bedroom and put clothes on.

  • 6:15 a.m.: Try to remember where turkey is. Remove turkey from back seat of car where you left it and forgot to bring it in.

  • 6:20 a.m.: Read and familiarize yourself with preparation and cooking instructions supplied with turkey.

  • 6:25 a.m.: Put aside and disregard preparation and cooking instructions supplied with turkey.

  • 6:30 a.m.: Place turkey in back yard and hose off with high-pressure water hose, using Turtle Wax detergent sparingly. Beat turkey repeatedly with baseball bat to make sure it is indeed dead.

  • 6:40 a.m.: Drop turkey into mop bucket filled with hot melted butter or margarine. Let soak for 15 minutes.

  • 6:45 a.m.: Take turkey out of butter bucket 10 minutes early.

  • 6:46 a.m.: Accidentally drop slippery butter-drenched turkey on kitchen floor.

  • 6:48 a.m.: After shooing away household pets, place turkey in roasting pan. Stuff turkey with clean tube socks, unpaid bills, Halloween candy, and glass jar filled with pennies. Make loose, arcing tent over turkey using aluminum foil. Do not use real tent.

  • 6:59 a.m.: Oven should be set to bake turkey at 325 degrees for 5 hours (or was it 5 degrees for 325 hours?). Place roasting pan/foil tent containing turkey into oven.

  • 7:15 a.m.: Sustain severe groin injury from slipping on butter-smeared kitchen floor.

  • 7:35 a.m.: Check cooking progress of turkey. Slap forehead in realization that oven is not on. Turn oven on. Walk away from oven. Do not look back.

  • 7:55 a.m.: After strange smell is detected, remove turkey from oven, extract melted plastic bag containing neck and giblets from interior of turkey. Put turkey back into oven.

  • 8:20 a.m.: Fall asleep on den couch while watching gay midget porn.

Thanksgiving afternoon:

  • 3 p.m.: Awake to smoke alarm, stumble blindly through smoke-filled kitchen. Turn off oven, open oven door.

  • 3: 05 p.m.: After regaining breath, using asbestos oven mitts, remove turkey from oven and quickly extinguish flames. After extinguishing flames from defective oven mitts, extinguish flames from turkey.

  • 4:35 p.m.: Enjoy well-done turkey (with slightly minty taste from extinguisher foam) with all the fixins'!

  • 5:45 p.m.: After wrapping lower intestine area with warm towels, have an understanding friend or neighbor drive you to nearest hospital emergency room.

Happy Thanksgiving from
The Wonderful World of Longmire!


Monday, 11/19/01 - I've been kinda lazy the past week regarding The (almost) Daily Comment. Let's recap to the best of my recollection...

Sunday - I had a house call from a Jehovah's Witness this morning. Usually, I try to get rid of them as fast as possible, but this morning I decided to hear them out. I let him in, invited him to sit down and said "OK, now WHAT IS IT that you need to tell me about?" He replied "I... I... I don't know... I've never made it this far before."

OK, OK, this really didn't happen. It's just a comedian's joke I heard recently and I had to make use of it somewhere.

Saturday - Went to my mom's house and helped her gather up leaves from her yard. We were going to use the leaf blower which doubles as a vacuum, but my son used it last which naturally means it doesn't work any more. Almost everything he touches turns to crap.

After I left her house, I got a unusual notion and decided to take a drive down a road I hardly ever travel any more. And right when I turned onto this road, as if on cue, Boston's More Than a Feeling (a song from my high school days) came on the radio. I drove past my old high school (which looks nothing like it did 24 years ago), past my old elementary school (same story), and around the neighborhoods and houses of my schoolmates and old girlfriends. I left the area for home with a nostalgic and sad kind of feeling.

Friday - Christopher Shields is one twisted (but hilarious) Mississippi madman. I've become friends with him even though all logic and reason tells me to shun him. I think he is even mentioned in the Book of Revelations... the part about The Birthday Pony of the Apocalypse or something like that. And boy, does he ever hate Dale Earnhardt. Make sure your life insurance policy is paid up and then dare to enter his "special" mind, abandon all hope of redemption, and read his Dark Thoughts.

Thursday - Went to the grocery store (yes, another supermarket story) for the express purpose of picking up a couple of 2 liter colas... the store's brand (Food Club) which is cheap but acceptable. I went to the spot in the aisle where they usually are and there were NONE! Not a single one. Outraged, I screamed out "BASTARDS!!!"

The name of this grocery store is Food City, so naturally I marched right up to the office and demanded to speak to the mayor. Only problem was, there was an elderly woman at the customer service window taking way too much time discussing some senior citizen discount or some other such nonsense. I don't have time for the aged. I yelled at her to get the hell out of my way, that I had a cola crisis on my hands. Normally, you can stare down an old woman until she soils herself, but this old bag was defiant. She ignored me which angered me even more. I then started singing along with the store's Muzak system, screaming out the words to Gordon Lightfoot's Rainy Day People into her ear at the top of my lungs. That's when she spun around and brought the frozen loaf of garlic bread down upon my head.

When I came to, I was in the alley behind the store, the contents of my wallet (minus my cash, of course) scattered about me, a soaking-wet Depends on my head, and a stinky set of dentures still biting into my neck. My pockets had been filled with cottage cheese and I had feral felines nipping at my ankles. Defeated, I limped back to my car and drove home, still without any cola.

Damn her. She won this round but, alas, we shall meet again, she and I... and the outcome shall not be in her favor. Oh, no, it shan't.

Wednesday - Unfortunately, my daughter (wav file, 336k) has discovered how to record sound files.

Tuesday - After hearing about it for a long time, I finally saw the classic film The Manchurian Candidate this evening. Weird stuff. Now I know that whenever I see someone playing solitaire on their computer, the telephone call can't be far away.

After the movie was over, I turned the channel over to another show concerning brainwashing... The Michael Jackson 30th Anniversary Tribute. I say "brainwashing" because he's touted as being "The King of Pop" and from the looks of this show's audience, a lot of people are buying that crap. I saw girls, women, and men on the verge of fainting from experiencing "the magic of Michael." Granted, some of his music is catchy and he can dance like no human I've ever seen. I think those are the keywords right there... "no human."

At the time of his Thriller album (circa 1982), Michael Jackson looked like he had had some minor facial surgery done, and quite frankly, was a handsome young black man. He then continued on an endless crusade of insanely and constantly chipping away at his head and lightening of his skin to become the death-zombie creature that he is today. I wonder if he startles himself in the mirror every morning?

His performance was kind of strange on the show. He wore a headset-style microphone, but kept covering his mouth as if to hide the fact that he might have been lip-synching. Oh wait a minute... you need lips to lip-synch.


Monday, 11/12/01 - Christopher Shields sent me this link to a site offering a very bizarre, and I would say controversial, product and service. Surely, it can't be for real. If not real, it's a very convincing and elaborate hoax.

Usually, you see a single shoe on the side of the road every now and then but this morning I saw a pair hanging from a telephone line over the road...

I went to the Veteran's Day Parade in downtown Knoxville this morning. Here are some photos I took.


Sunday, 11/11/01 - I had to drive to Crossville, TN to pick my daughter up after a visit with her mom. On the way through Oak Ridge (The Atomic City), I drove past the government labs which now have security checkpoints set up on the road. The guards were just looking for overly-suspicious vehicles and waved me through without stopping. I'm tempted to wear a turban the next time I pass through there just to see what happens.

I don't think that the numerically dyslexic should be in the position of being cashiers. I went through the KFC drive-thru this evening, ordered, and was told my total was $22.17. Using up some spare change in the car, I made ready a $20 dollar bill, 8 quarters, a dime, nickel and 2 pennies... precisely $22.17. I got up to the pickup window, smiling proudly with my exact change, to find out that the actual total was $22.71, which screwed up all my preparations.

I got my food and started pulling away from the drive-thru window but had to immediately slam on my brakes when this old guy burst out from the restaurant's side door, doubled over, and started throwing up on the pavement directly in front of my car. It seemed to take forever and I had no choice but to sit there and watch him until he finished. Yep, had to watch in my headlights every single semi-digested chicken, mashed potato, and macaroni and cheese particle hit the asphalt. Then as suddenly as he appeared, he spun around and hobbled off, never once acknowledging that he had held me up, and the entire drive-thru traffic, with this gastrointestinal spectacle.


Saturday, 11/10/01 - Picture this... two forty-something guys (Dear Brian and myself) going out to check out a new sports bar, travelling down the road in a Ford Escort station wagon with Born to be Wild blaring at full volume on the tape deck. Yep, it doesn't get much more pathetic than that.


Friday, 11/09/01 - One more birthday note...
Saturday night, friends of mine met together at Naples (an Italian restaurant in Knoxville) to honor me a few days before my birthday. We had a great dinner and then, at the table, I opened up some great presents such as a DVD from Susan, a DVD and dashboard hula girl (with spring-hip action) from Greg, and a nice shirt from Mark and Lucy... and then there was Brian's gift...

Va va va voom!I have to say that I was a little apprehensive when I tore open the gift (deceptively wrapped in G.I. Joe paper) and first saw a big Playboy bunny logo on the box. I opened the little preview cover and closed it quickly once I saw the figure pictured on the left. After all, we were in the middle of a crowded restaurant and all eyes were on our activities. A couple of my friends grabbed her and immediately sent her collectible value plummeting as they ripped her out of the box. They then proceeded to take her robe off and dance her around the table, while taking peeks under her bikini. Slightly embarrassed, I just wanted her back in the box... quickly.

A funny thing happened then. My friends started asking me what I had planned for "my doll." Now, I didn't ask for the figure, but suddenly it's mine, kinky interaction with an inanimate object is implied, and I now have to defend myself for owning it. Moments before the ownership transfer, I wasn't being scrutinized, but now I am the subject of whispers among all the diners in the room. I guess if I had gotten a gun as a gift, they would have asked me who I was going to kill with it. (Just kidding... I thought it was funny.)

But I like her. I took a good look at her today and I can tell you that she is anatomically correct. She's a nice, decorative accent in my bedroom, but sometimes when I catch a glimpse of her over on my dresser, I hear strange beckoning voices (wav sound file, 1.9 Mb).

(If you're interested in taking e a closer look at this figure, [and I think you know what I mean] send me an e-mail requesting to see her on a super-secret web page and I'll send you the address.)


Thursday, 11/08/01 - There's no questioning the good taste of the readers of The (almost) Daily Comment, as you can tell from this e-mail I received yesterday...

Subject: Happy Belated Birthday

You sexy thing! The baby picture just cemented the fact that you are a sexy devil!

Genevieve :)


Tuesday, 11/06/01 - I turned 42 years old today. Here's a photo of yours truly taken on November 6, 1959...

To celebrate this glorious day, I shelled out some bucks to get my car out of the shop. Yeah, I had to relinquish my title of "Owner of the Loudest Automobile in Knoxville" after successful repairs of a busted exhaust manifold. Also the day started out great this morning when the electricity at my house unexplainably went off for ten minutes... right while I was in the shower. One good note... in the darkness, I discovered new and wonderful things about myself.

To top off the day, this evening I, my two kids and my mom went out to try out a new restaurant called "The Golden Corral." And it lived up to its name as it was one of those big buffet places where human cattle stampe each other to graze on a unending supply of crappy food. I kept hearing someone ring a big bell every time freshly baked yeast rolls were available. Saw a big fat redneck in a tank top shirt with "Who's Your Daddy?" tattooed on his forearm. My daughter had some Jello that looked more like soup. And to keep things moving, the bustling waitresses tried to take your plate whenever you paused from eating long enough to breathe between bites.

This magical experience of The Golden Corral followed me home as I experienced stomach cramps about 45 minutes later, followed by the runs. YEEEEEE-HAAAAAA!!!!! That's definitely one restaurant I've crossed off my list.

Happy Birthday to me.


Monday, 11/05/01 -" Today is the first day of the rest of my week off from work..."

"I dare you to say anything."


Saturday, 11/03/01 - Last night, my son and I went to a Knoxville book store to see actor Bruce Campbell, who was there signing copies of his autobiography If Chins Could Kill - Confessions of a B Movie Actor. If you don't know Campbell, he played Ash in the Evil Dead film trilogy and starred in the TV series The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., among numerous other films and television shows. Normally, I wouldn't care too much to meet a celebrity, but my son is a big fan of his and Army of Darkness is one of my favorite movies. He read an excerpt from his book and then had a question and answer period. The guy is hilarious. Lots of people (of a broad variety) were there and we finally got to meet him and get our copy of his book signed...

Bruce Campell as Ash in Army of Darkness.

I handed my camera to a book store employee to take this stunning shot. From left; me (barely), my son Nick, and Bruce Campbell.

If you're interested, click here for some shots I took of Mr. Campbell. And, of course, he has a web site, Bruce Campbell Online.


Friday, 11/02/01 - This ever-changing sign never ceases to amaze me...

Hurry! Christmass is just around the korner!



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