The WeatherPixie

Hi, I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU. Click here if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee. 



Wednesday, 7/30/03 - My birthday is in November...

Just a heads-up in advance. Here's a gift idea in case you're stumped on what to get me. WARNING: DON'T CLICK ON THE LINK IF YOU ARE AT WORK... management may not approve of it. Yeah, they probably won't.

Tuesday, 7/29/03 - Thanks for the memories, Mr. Hope...

Rainy Day People
(c)1975 by Gordon Lightfoot

Rainy day people barge into your house and they track in mud

Rainy day people attack without warning and they suck your blood

Rainy day lovers fart under the covers, sometimes leaving poo

Rainy day people never take out the trash when you ask them to

Rainy day people do a little dance that they learned in France

Rainy day people seem to have a big problem with their underpants

Rainy day lovers, if they had their druthers, like to jetski nude

Rainy day people like to hide in a closet where they sniff their glue

Rainy day people always like to blow up a shed or two

Wielding box cutters, they sleep in the gutter in the morning dew

Take it or leave it, or try to believe it, if your name is Don

Rainy day lovers don't get gonorrhea, they just pass it on.

Monday, 7/28/03 - One of the magical things about the Internet is that you can find a Web site on just about any subject... any subject. Thanks to Allen Coggins for sending me a link to a site concerning everyone's favorite topic... urinals. Enjoy.

I saw another movie this weekend...

I decided to go see Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, just for the novelty of it. The movie was OK, I guess... it had some neat effects, but the 3-D thing was a disappointment. You'd think that in this day and age, the 3-D movie technology would be more advanced than the old red and blue glasses. In fact, I know it is because I saw a fantastic 3-D IMAX movie about the International Space Station when I visited Cape Kennedy last year. Why the moviemakers made this movie in the old-school style baffles me.

Canadians hate Celine Dion, too. Therefore, they are not all bad.

Witness this recent e-mail exchange...

From: "Edwards, Luke"
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2003 2:16 AM
To: "''"
Subject: celine dion

i was just looking at your daily comment and celine dion's head, and keep in mind that i am canadian myself, but she looks an awful lot like Jay Leno....just thought I'd mention that.

From: Longmire
Sent: Sunday, July 27, 2003 4:18 PM
To: Edwards, Luke
Subject: Re: celine dion

Yes she does.

I meant no slam against Canadians... Celine Dion sucks universally and unilaterally.

You know what I mean, girlfriend.

From: "Edwards, Luke"
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2003 10:08 PM
To: "''"
Subject: celine dion

i hear that! (high fives nearest person)

Thursday, 7/24/03 - Wow. I've actually had some complaints lately for not posting any entries for the last 11 days. I didn't know you cared so much.

Where have I been? Well, most of my time has been spent making the switch from Old Spice "Fresh" scent deodorant to a new "Mountain Rush" scent. When it comes to life-changing decisions like these, you have to take your time or you'll regret it, I tell you.

Movie Review Time...

I've seen a handful of the summer releases and the best one so far has been Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. This movie was excellent. I haven't been this entertained by a film in a long while. It's a good all-around adventure flick. Johnny Depp has been a favorite actor of mine for a while and he sure doesn't disappoint in this one. His pirate character, Captain Jack Sparrow, bumbles around with such strange mannerisms that he seems half drunk, half gay. Lots of buckles are swashed in this film as the crew of the Black Pearl are cursed for stealing Cortez's Aztec gold. They look normal enough except under direct moonlight, then they don't look so normal enough. The special-effects transition of these cursed pirates is flawless and awesome to watch. This movie is based on the Pirates of the Caribbean rides at the Disney theme parks. I was at Disneyworld in Florida last December and rode the ride for the first time. It was an extra treat to see some of the ride's scenes show up in this movie.

I also saw Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. It is action-packed, that's for sure, with one particular car chase scene that's rather incredible. But throughout, something seems to be missing... yep, I missed seeing Linda Hamilton's Sarah Connor character. It's just not the same without her. Also, the newest Terminator, this time a female model, just doesn't have the same wow effect that the last movie had on me. The visual effects of T2's liquid metal Terminator was really innovative for its time. One thing is for sure... the filmmakers leave no doubt that there will be another sequel. It will probably be subtitled Man vs. Machine as this film ends with... well, I won't tell you. I don't think Arnold will make the next one, though, unless the Terminator is equipped with a weapon laden walker.

I recently got a notice in the mail from my former car insurance agent. Evidently, he hasn't updated his records for the past couple of years because he still thinks I have a policy with him. I straightened him out on the matter.

Sunday, 7/13/03 - As I was cleaning out some files in my desk at home, I came across some forgotten old e-mails that I had printed out. They turned out to be Komedy Gold from the Hamby-Longmire team... I added six new entries to the E-mail Extravaganza.

One of them mentions a local news article from almost exactly three years ago concerning the Home Depots in Knoxville offering "Tennessee Orange" paint for sale to the legions of devout "Go Big Orange Volunteer Vol Country My Nose Runs Deep Orange Pass the Mashed Taters and Gravy and Slap a Giant Orange T On My Momma's Ass" University Of Tennessee football fans...

Knoxville News Sentinel, July 14, 2000

Photo caption: Chris Hoskins shows his true colors by buying the new Big Orange paint at Home Depot...

"Hey looky, mamaw... I'm gettin' my dang picture tooken! How 'bout them Vols? Huh, huh... shee-it!"

Thursday, 7/10/03 - I'm a lottery winner!

Since Tennessee's state lottery is yet to be a reality, on Monday I traveled to Kentucky to buy some lottery tickets... since the Powerball jackpot was up to over $200 million. While we were at this dingy little grocery store (I think it was called "Gary's Market and Taxidermy") just yards inside the Kentucky state line, I plunked some coinage into a vending machine that dispensed these little cards where you pull back perforated tabs to see if you match up numbers... kinda like a slot machine. I won $10 on a 25 cent card! This was monumental to me since I never win at anything. But, alas, my glee was met with hostility from everyone present. I guess announcing it over the store's loudspeakers WAS a bit much... especially since I called everyone else "a bunch of dirty hillbilly losers."

And I wasn't far off from the truth. There were a couple of really nasty, sweaty local hill country folks in there (my pals in Mississippi like to call them "scoggins"). No matter how poor you are, you can afford soap and water. Maybe these people could afford soap and water but didn't have the extra cash for the instruction manual. They DID have money for lottery tickets, though.

Anyhoo... during this same visit to Kentucky, I bought $10 worth of plays (5 sets of numbers each for two drawings) and today I discovered, to my hysterical delight, that I won a whopping $3 by matching the Powerball number only. I'm a winner in the game of life... finally! Thank you, Jesus! I've got one more drawing with my numbers on Saturday. If all goes well, with the rate that I'm winning, I might very well wake up Sunday morning and discover that I'm a dozenaire!

My friend Susie recently bought a new Mini Cooper. My first ride in it became my last ride in it when I accidentally urinated on the inside of the windshield.

Speaking of cars, have you ever come out of a store and headed toward your car in the parking lot and, to your horror, find that it's completely banged up, scraped, gouged, window broken, side mirror dangling... only to realize that it's not your car after all but another one that's the same model and color as yours? That's quite a shock and relief, isn't it?

A book titled "The Kennedy Curse" has just come out and is causing a stir and once again the Kennedy family is being discussed. Here's what I think: take away their wealth and power and you have just another dysfunctional redneck family. Think about it... in their family they've had murders, extramarital affairs (even with a baby-sitter), drunkenness, vehicular homicide, rape trials, fatal accidents caused by stupidity, and drug overdoses, to name a few. I'm getting tired of hearing about them and these tell-all authors need to leave this tired story alone.

This is a good article on the Kennedy "curse."

Monday, 7/7/03 - Our Buddy's are dying.


I just heard that Buddy Ebsen (Jud Clampett, Barnaby Jones) died. And last week Buddy Hackett passed away.

The nation's supply of Buddys is dwindling at an alarming rate, and it seems as though there are no new Buddys to replenish this supply. President Bush has declared this situation a national emergency and is forming a nationwide campaign to recruit new Buddys.

In the meantime, blues guitarist Buddy Guy is now under Secret Service protection.


(Just for fun, go to and, from the main menu, click on "Where's Buddy?" and "How's Buddy?" You'll get responses like "Shhh... Buddy's taking a nap, he's retired." and "Well... Buddy's fine! Thanks for asking!", respectively. And good luck trying to contact Buddy. Take a look at them, quick... I don't know how long these pages will be up before Buddy's crack web team realizes that he's dead.)

Friday, 7/4/03 - HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

You can shoot off your own fireworks here... and here.

The Sci-Fi Channel is running a marathon of the original Twilight Zone series episodes. I just watched one about a banker (Dick York) who suddenly acquires the power to read minds. He "overhears" an old employee plotting to rob money from the vault and escape to Bermuda. This old guy has a very familiar-sounding voice and a even more familiar-sounding name... Mr. Smithers. This has GOT to be where the Simpsons' creators got the idea for their character.

Thursday, 7/3/03 - I'm surprised I didn't get any complaints from Monday's post about Katharine Hepburn. I guess nothing phases you guys anymore.

I recently bought a copy of Close Encounters of the Third Kind on DVD. There is one scene where the Richard Dreyfus character is being interrogated by two government officials... a Frenchman and his translator. The translator would repeat to Dreyfus, in English, what the Frenchman was asking.

I was monkeying around with the language setup on the DVD. and changed the audio to French. The DVD makers must have been lazy and unimaginative because they didn't change the Frenchman's dialogue to another language. Now, everyone speaks French. So, in effect, you have the Frenchman asking questions in French, the translator repeating it to Dreyfus in French, and the Dreyfus character answering in French. This, of course, negates the purpose of the translator. Same with the Spanish version: Spanish questions, Spanish translation, Spanish reply.

So, if you're watching it in any other language version other than the original, this scene and others must look pretty stupid.


©2003, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire