Thursday, 10/31/02 -
Happy Halloween!
I didn't bother to get any Halloween candy for trick-or-treaters. I'm just going to answer the door and let the little bastards pick something out of my kitchen garbage.

Looking around this stinky ol' website, I've found two Halloween-related offerings from the past. Enjoy...

Wednesday, 10/30/02 - Whoa! I've been waylayed by a wicked cold since Sunday. I missed work yesterday and Monday, coughing up golden lung nuggets, and I'm just now starting to feel better. I haven't felt like posting anything for a while so here's a couple I've saved up...

I watched Jeopardy the other night and found out a couple of interesting tidbits that I didn't know:

  • Antonio Meucci, an Italian, is the true inventor of the telephone.
  • Bob Seger was inspired to write the song "Like a Rock" while sitting and straining on the toilet.

I love Jeopardy... but I think it's misnamed. It's not a very dangerous game.

Friday night, I was watching the local 10:00 news, minding my own business, when a story came on about a sex offender. They showed a mug shot of this guy that almost knocked me off the sofa... I didn't even hear the rest of the story because I was so stunned by the picture.

I managed to find the photo on a local news website a few days later, but seeing it again, this time at a greatly reduced size, didn't have nowhere near the same impact as seeing it broadcast full screen on my TV...and I didn't have any warning the first time.

So, I've enlarged it quite a bit so that you can (hopefully) first experience it the same way I did. Take a deep breath, hold on to something, put away all foods and beverages, and take a look...


Are you OK? It's quite something, isn't it? Makes me wonder how this guy ever got close enough to anyone to molest them. It's not like you wouldn't notice this guy approaching.

I'm down near to nothing in my checking account (until I get paid Friday) and I just spent the last $3 in my pocket for a clown nose.

Friday, 10/25/02 - Fight the junk.
I recieved this advice in an e-mail the other day...

THREE LITTLE WORDS...I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. Now , a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time. The three little words are "Hold On, Please."

Say this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately. This would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

ANOTHER GOOD IDEA...When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment.Let the companies throw them away. When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it! Twice!! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!

A few months ago, I did my part... by sending a little pornographic drawing to a credit card company in their own postage-paid envelope.

Thursday, 10/24/02 - The following scrolling marquee text appeared on the workplace safety homepage of the company where I work. Of course, the author intended it to mean eye and hearing protection, etc., but... well, just read it for yourself...

Choose the best protection, make sure it fits, keep it clean, and wear it!

Hmmmm...."keep it clean" suggests reusing the protection, which goes against the Surgeon General's advice... and everything my grandmother taught me.

Wednesday, 10/23/02 - Because I lack anything better to post today, I'll just throw in an old picture of Greg, a coworker, at his son's 7th birthday party...

This photo was taken by the police.

Monday, 10/21/02 - All I want is life beyond the Thunderdome.

Sunday, 10/20/02 - Well, here's the new design for this page... and it's online a day early. You all thought I was lying when I said I'd have it ready by Monday, didn't you? I like this design... it fits in better with the rest of the site. I'm going to keep it for a long while.

Saturday, 10/19/02 - Employee of the Month!?!
Last week, something uncanny happened... a huge unexplainable mistake was made. I was named Employee of the Month where I work. Well, actually, one of two employees in my division that won the title.

At my coronation, I was presented a travel mug with "Employee of the Month" on the side (which I designed a few months prior... no connection) and a prism to sit on my desk for however long the honor lasted. I was confused... I was the Employee of the Month for September, but here it was announced in mid-October. I asked my boss about this and when I had to give the prism back and she told me November 10. I figured that I had already lost 5 days of power when they finally decided to knight me.

The official announcement to the company was delivered via e-mail the next day. Of course, my arch enemy had a few words to say about it.

In the meantime, I have been given the great responsibility of THE PRISM and all of the mystic powers that it possesses...


Realizing the money-making potential of exploiting my Employee of the Month status, I quickly created this sign and posted it just outside my office door...

This went nowhere fast. My coworkers, as gullible as they are, for some reason were not interested in THE PRISM. That is, until I made a modification to THE PRISM that seemed to activate its powers and bring it to life...


Now there are people lined up down the hall from my office, waiting with cash in hand to see the great THE PRISM. One person even claimed that touching THE PRISM gave them the power to walk again. When reminded that they could already walk before touching THE PRISM, the employee replied "Well, I'm walking better now... OK?"

Business is so good, that I hired a secretary/cashier and an armed guard while I'm out playing golf all day... which is strange because I wasn't playing golf.

To sum up, in the great words of THE PRISM itself... as I was holding THE PRISM the other day, it said to me, "Put me back down on the desk."

Thursday, 10/17/02 - A new design for this page will be appearing on Monday. That gives you today, tomorrow, and the weekend to prepare yourself for it. In the meantime, continue enjoying the photo of me that I posted a couple of days ago.

Tuesday, 10/15/02 - Here's a little something for the ladies out there...

Clip 'n' Save, place in wallet

This is me after a satisfying diaper change, all nice and fresh again.

Monday, 10/14/02 - And just what the hell is going on here?...

I've heard of biker gangs terrorizing the roadways, but roving gangs of storage sheds? Is this the next worry that we motorists must contend with?

Sunday, 10/13/02 - I don't want to sound like I'm making light of the Maryland sniper situation, but since a few of the murder victims have been shot while filling their cars up at gas stations, has anyone else noticed an eerie similarity to this and the sniper scene from the Steve Martin movie The Jerk? "He hates these cans!"

Sorry about that.

On Friday, a coworker and I went to Red Lobster for lunch. Our waitress was wearing some odd-looking shoes that looked like red glittery ballet slippers. I made a comment about them which she took as a compliment... or a come-on. All through our lunch, she gave me the eye and a wink or two as if she had a thing for me. As we concluded our lunch, we asked for some to-go boxes. Her eyes lit up and she told us she would be right back with some.

We then heard some sawing and hammering noises coming from the kitchen area. About 10 minutes later, the waitress came out smiling proudly displaying two crudely made boxes, like mini-crates, that she evidently had constructed especially for us to put our excess food in. We told her that we appreciated her thoughtfulness, but that we preferred the usual styrofoam containers. Her smile turned into a shattered look of dejection as she sadly whimpered away from our table and trudged back into the kitchen.

Moments later, we heard some screaming and shrieking. We got up to see what the commotion was, looked in the kitchen doorway and could see two legs dangling, swinging in midair, wearing those glittery shoes. It seemed that our waitress had hung herself. On the floor below her were the two mini-crates, overturned, as she had used them to stand on during the process of doing herself in.

Well, we felt really bad about the whole thing... so bad, in fact, that in all the confusion with the arrival of paramedics and police, we absent-mindedly left without paying our bill.

Saturday, 10/12/02 - Eating over at my mom's house, I wish someone would tell her that shredded cheese for a salad doesn't consist of American cheese singles torn into strips.

Thursday, 10/10/02 - EEGAH!
I am now the proud owner of a new web site. Check out! I secured the domain name just over a week ago. I can't believe that no one had grabbed that domain name already. But then again, no one other than me was stupid enough to do so.
I now have the main screen online that links to a temporary menu page.

This site serves no purpose other than this fan's homage to that 1962 cinematic masterpiece called EEGAH!... a movie so bad that it's good. I plan to have all kinds of features honoring the movie such as a plot synopsis, selected dialogue with some sound clips, screen shots from the movie, character descriptions and star bios, Photoshop bits showing Eegah throughout history, and links to other EEGAH!-related sites.

It should be a lot of fun to work on. I'll let you know when it's completed.

Wednesday, 10/9/02 -

From: Phil Carlson
Sent: Tuesday, October 08, 2002 1:06 PM
To: All staff

Below are the items we will be collecting for the YWCA Women's shelter for this month. Reminder, the collection box is in the lobby; feel free to drop your items by anytime before October 29th. For the month of October we will be collecting these items:

  • Trowels (for application of makeup)
  • Thongs from all around the world
  • Used sandwiches
  • Wrappings from 2,000 year-old mummies
  • Lotions, lubricants and stop-leak sealants
  • Back hair wipes
Thanks for your participation and help of this very worthwhile project !!!

Tuesday, 10/8/02 - This past weekend, my coworkers and I had fun at a picnic and hayride in the Cade's Cove area of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park...

Everyone was thoroughly enjoying the hayride, right up until the moment of the attack...

Thursday, 10/3/02 - I went to the grocery store this evening to pick up a few items. I hadn't taken a dozen steps into the store when this guy standing near the bananas grabs his stomach and doubles over. He then starts heaving and throwing up partially digested pimento cheese. I give this guy a wide birth... I mean berth... and proceed with my shopping.

Later on, about 20 minutes later, I heard some activity over in the produce section. I went over there and the guy was still in the same spot and was still throwing up chunks of pimento cheese, which has now accumulated in a just-above-the-ankle-deep pile.

And that's not all. The store management had roped off the area immediately surrounding him using those velvet and brass type rope things you used to see at old movie theaters. A crowd has gathered at this time, most of which are now seated comfortably in folding chairs, oohing and aahing with each stomach-emptying convulsion. A waitress was making the rounds serving glasses of champagne. In the meantime since this guy first became ill, someone has notified Lee Greenwood of the event and he is belting out his hit "God Bless the USA" while this poor unfortunate soul continues to puke his guts out. It sounded something like this...

From the lakes of Minnesota... BLECCCHHHH!!!!
to the hills of Tennessee, .... YEOAAACCCHHH!!!
Across the plains of Texas from sea to shining sea....BUUUUUUUUUEECCCCKK!!!
From Detroit down to Houston and New York to L.A.,... UCCHHH....UUUUCCCHH!!!
There's pride in every American heart and it's time we stand and say:

Greenwood turns up everywhere to sing this song. He even appeared out of nowhere to perform when a dog took a runny dump on a clown's pant cuff in downtown Knoxville last month.

Some other local officials were there now, including Mayor Victor Ashe and gubernatorial candidate Van Hilleary, who was milling around shaking hands and telling everyone that he had seen people throw up pimento cheese when he served in the military during Desert Storm. Some Southern Baptist representatives were on the scene as well... blaming the whole incident on the proposed state lottery that is on the election ballot next month.

Anyway, how somebody could eat that much pimento cheese is beyond me. And nobody even attempted to help the guy with his situation (not even me... hey, I've got my own problems)... except for one woman from Planned Parenthood who offered him some complimentary condoms, which are great for preventing pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases but was totally unrelated to this particular incident and didn't help one bit to alleve it.

I finished up my shopping and left the store just as the West High School marching band was coming in.

Wednesday, 10/2/02 - Senders of junk mail consider themselves to be quite clever. They have all kinds of tricks like writing subject lines to sound as though they are friends, or making it sound like they're replying to a message YOU had sent THEM... all to fool you into opening their e-mail. Some even go as far as to have their messages dated with an obviously wrong (way, way, wrong) calendar date so that their messages are more visible to you because they're set apart from the pack that are correctly dated. Genius, eh?

Here's an example... I got a message with this as the subject line: Are you prepared for the coming war? The date this message was sent?: 11/6/41

Wow! If someone had received this message when it was sent, we could have avoided that whole Pearl Harbor surprise party!


©2002, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire