The WeatherPixie

Hi, I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU. Click here if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee. 



Thursday, 9/25/03, 6:25 a.m. - As I'm writing this, I've just awoke from having a strange, but magnificent, dream. In it, I was back in my high school days and a school assembly featuring the debating team turned into a Godzilla-type battle of the monsters where I was manning a tank and battling a slew of gargantuan-sized creatures. I kid you not. I guess that's what happens when you play video games and down a fifth of whiskey and box of doughnuts just before bedtime.

Tuesday, 9/23/03 - I watched the Sharon Osbourne show this afternoon. You heard me right, Ozzy's wife now has a talk show. Growing up in the 60s and 70s, I'm from the old school and I'm constantly amazed at what's allowed to air on television. On this particular show, I was stunned to hear a girl group perform a song about camel toe. Camel toe, in case you don't know, is a slang term for a female frontal wedgie. Yep, stunned and amazed.

Monday, 9/22/03 - Here are some interesting things I recently clipped out of the local newspaper...

A photo from the University of Tennessee's win over Florida this past Saturday. Now here's a enlarged portion of the photo...

That's one scared referee. I wonder what could be spooking him so much? Maybe it's a sudden horrible sensation of his diarrhea problem flaring back up.

Note the hyphenation of this couple's last names on this wedding announcement. I guess congratulations are in order for the bride... and the groom as well.

I was in doubt about hiring this guy to paint my house until I read the last line of his ad... now, how can you argue with that?

The Last Flight of the IcarusWednesday, 9/17/03 - Check out the Flash animation intro I recently created as a contribution to the web site of a friend and fellow Planet of the Apes fan. I think it turned out pretty well and I have to admit that its dramatic feel gives me goose bumps. Christopher T. Shields, better known as Ansanaut, has put a lot of hard work into The Last Flight of the Icarus to make it quite an extensive site that discusses, explains, and explores every aspect of the spacecraft featured in the ape films.

There are a lot of POA fans out there as evident to the many contributions to his site in the way of illustrations, 3D renderings, scale modeling, and discussions of theories involving the classic sci-fi spaceship and its doomed crew. The Icarus is one of the most elegant-looking spacecraft designs ever to appear in film, and has always been my personal favorite.

Tuesday, 9/16/03 - We had some excitement at the Longmire ranch this evening. I was walking out to my mailbox when I saw a police car stopped at the next road down. Then I saw this teenager running and the cop excitedly fumbling for his radio. The cop took off in his car after him. He must have lost him temporarily because I saw the kid running through my back yard. He stopped and crouched to hide at my fence. Just then the cop came barreling down my street. I waved him down and told him where the "perp" was. That's a word that we crimebusters use. It's short for either "perple rain" or "in perpetual remembrance"... I can't remember which.

Anyhoo, the cop took off running and left his cruiser in front of my house. Another cop came by and I asked what was going on. He told me they were chasing a suspected car thief that had crashed the stolen vehicle and fled on foot. I then asked if I could fire his gun into the air and he told me no... even after I used the word "perp" in front of him. Disappointed, I went back into my house. Moments later another police car pulled up. The cops opened the back door, the perp stepped out, and they transferred him to another car. I rushed out of my house and yelled "IS THAT OUR PERP?" I then asked if they needed me to "pop a cap in his ass." I don't know what that means either.

I got no reply from the cops other than icy stares.

Tuesday, 9/9/03 -

I don't know how they do it down at Applebee's but... I hate it, so shove it, I want no more of it.

Monday, 9/8/03 - Nice vacation ...

I took last week off from work. Starting last Monday night, I developed an acute case of bursitis in my right shoulder. After applying ice for several days, it let up a bit and then I got a head cold on Friday. It was like a tag-team match of illnesses. I had to call in sick to work today but now, FINALLY, I'm feeling better... that is, for now, unless something else comes up.

I've been wondering a couple of things for the past few days... Who would win in a fight between the Hamburger Helper hand and the Arby's oven mitt? Would you call it hand to hand combat? Also, if the Hamburger Helper hand wore the Arby's oven mitt, is that a gay thing?

I think I've overdosed on cold medication.

Tuesday, 9/2/03 - Holy shi...

KNOXVILLE, Tennessee - A crowd of 300,000 spectators witness the image of Dale Earnhardt suddenly appear in the night sky during the city's annual "Boomsday" fireworks celebration Monday evening. The apparition was met with a brief, shocked silence which was immediately followed by mass panic. Sounds of babies crying, gunshots, squealing tires, breaking glass, screaming unintelligibly into cellular phones, rope burns, bad credit reports, and lower income spousal abuse filled the previously festive downtown atmosphere. The terrified mob then stampeded toward local ATMs... either to withdraw emergency "end of the world" cash or to purchase "Intimidator" memorabilia and/or collectibles. Country music artist Lee Greenwood instinctively commandeered the public address system and brought the chaos under control by an emergency rendition of his patriotic standard, "God Bless the USA," which seemed to have a calming effect on the wild Knoxville horde. Knoxville police chief Phil Keith credited him with for his quick thinking, "He saved the day with that song... but then again, that's the only song he ever sings, and he sings the damn thing all the time." The crowd dispursed quietly and peacefully after the scare... with the exception of one unruly Blue Oyster Cult fan. Curiously, as the crowd exited, vendors were already selling t-shirts with the slogan "I Survived Boomsday 2003" and image of Earnhardt brandishing a bloody meat cleaver. One witness remarked "That's mighty damn suspicious. Do they think we're idiots? I bet they planned the whole... HEY, OVER HERE... I'LL TAKE THREE OF THOSE!!!"

Monday, 9/1/03 - In the mail...

FINALLY... the credit card offer I've been waiting for...

Gives MasterCard a whole new meaning. I wonder if I would get "Heaven points" for the charges I'd make on this card?


©2003, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire