There's a new one every Wednesday!

Buy something... cheapskate!

Tuesday, 4/30/02 - Well, judging by this e-mail I got yesterday, I've ticked off another Wynonna Judd fan...

The Wynonna Judd clip was pretty offensive... And thats all I have to say


What is referring to is this page.

In case you missed the comments of the first disgruntled fan (back in October), you can view them here.

Sorry,, but I remain truly terrified of The Judd.

Monday, 4/29/02 - Just a reminder... tomorrow is the deadline for entries in the "Name My Truck" Contest." Don't miss out on winning a fabulous prize! Send in your entry today!

Sunday, 4/28/02 - Just say "NO" to self-pleasure...

(Thanks to Benjy Pritchett for sending me this!)

Saturday, 4/27/02 - Finally, I've found some justification for acting immature...

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm." - Aldous Huxley

The recent turmoil in the Catholic church brings this to mind...

Does this ancient and obviously confused guy have any major power to make any crucial decisions that affect people? Scary thought. I mean, just look at him! Next thing you know, Popey will demand that pudding be served at communion!

Left- Pope John Paul II reaches out for a youngster. The boy's no dope... he reads the papers. Right- The Pope mistakes a Kraft cheese single for a handkerchief.

The church needs to retire this guy's number. He's definitely lost his touch... not like the good ol' Pope we used to know. Witness the difference in Popey's health and attitude today compared to this photo taken just seven years ago...


Last Saturday night, I attended an event which required that I wear a tuxedo. I had to return the rented tux the following Monday, so I had an extra day to enjoy it and get my money's worth out of it...

Sunday, 4/21/02 - I've come to the conclusion that people with tattoos are just walking billboards for Satan.

Rediscovered this odd photo of me and my kids from my 42nd birthday back in November. Make no mistake, the cheesy smile on my face is a deliberate put on. However, the kids appear here in their normal states of behavior. I would title this "The Dysfunctional Duo" but there are three of us. Perhaps "The Troubled Trio" is a more fitting name...

Photo courtesy of my mom, Mrs. Longmire.

Saturday, 4/20/02 - Here's an error message which reveals that web servers have feelings, too.

Friday, 4/19/02 - Have you ever noticed how incredibly long it takes senior citizens to operate ATMs? They stay at the machine so long you wonder if they're standing there making out their last will and testament. First they punch in... s l o w l y... to check their balance... hey, no need for that... most old folks have got plenty of money. Just save us all some time and get your damn $20 and then check the balance on your withdrawal receipt. We younger folks HAVE GOT STUFF TO DO, GRANDPA, so make it snappy.

Then... when it seems that they're finally finished with the ATM... they continue to stand there rearranging and sorting the entire contents of their wallet. When they FINALLY step away from the machine, they always give this certain look... they ALWAYS do, you can count on it... a startled look like they are actually surprised to find that a long line of people has formed behind them during the 17 minutes they have been attempting to operate the newfangled money-vending contraption. I'm sure you've seen this look I'm talking about.

In conclusion, this magical adventure ends as the entire ATM-savvy crowd that has been patiently waiting conducts their transactions and departs faster than the old feeb can waddle (and slosh around his urine collection bag) to his crookedly-parked car in the nearby handicapped spot.

Thursday, 4/18/02 - There was this guy in the checkout line at the supermarket this evening. Looked like he had been out in the sun, but somehow underestimated the shade protection of his sunglasses, resulting in a strange tan line resembling something I like to call a "reverse raccoon." It was hilarious. I tried to recreate it here in Photoshop...

If in the very slight chance that you were the guy in the supermarket and you are reading this right now... you are a dumbass.

Wednesday, 4/17/02 - I bought a new CD, Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass's Greatest Hits... OK, go ahead and laugh... but I grew up in the 60s hearing this music. My dad had all his albums. Anyhoo, I can't listen to it without visualizing it being the soundtrack to a porno movie. Light, whimsical, fast-paced music that fits the imagined scenes perfectly. Think about it.

Whenever I see joggers, I entertain myself with the thought that a ghost is chasing them.

Did you hear the tragic news? Oh, it's horrible, just horrible. Evidently, the human-hunting season has officially opened at our country's oceanside vacation spots. Click on the Headline of the Week link in the column on the left.

Damn it... looks like I left the front porch light on all night again! See for yourself.

Friday, 4/12/02 - I saw a few odd things yesterday...

I ate lunch with fancy lad Bruce Vieser at Red Lobster. At one point, a waitress with a trayful of dirty dishes went in through the kitchen entrance and immediately there was an horrendous crash which was followed by... and I'm not making this up... a solitary little plastic sauce cup bouncing out of the kitchen and coming to rest on the floor just outside the door. Talk about a cartoon moment.

Saw a one-armed man cutting grass on a riding lawnmower...

A person with a colostomy bag that had cigarette butts floating in it...

And this...

Thursday, 4/11/02 - Want to be on the Jerry Springer Show?
Of course you don't! But if you go to this page and submit some info, a sample Springer episode—starring YOU— will generate. Yes, that's right! In a few mere seconds, you will be sleeping with your sister's husband's pet Vietnamese potbellied pig's veterinarian's transvestite aunt's illegitimate child prostitute.

Didn't I mention the "Name My Truck" Contest? Surely, there must be more than 2 people interested in winning fame and glory, plus a t-shirt. Send those entries in, folks... deadline is April 30.

Tuesday, 4/2/02 - Watching the squirrels scampering through the tree tops, I came to the conclusion that they are nothing but little rat monkeys.

Monday, 4/1/02 - Just barely making the end of March deadline... just as I promised... Part 6 of the Planet of the Apes funkified parody is now online and ready for your viewing pleasure. It's loaded with photos, sounds, and what the Internet was made for... animated gifs! Perfect reading material for April Fool's Day!