Friday, 8/31/01 - Someone e-mailed me this video clip (mpg file, 962 K). Wow. I'm sure it's not real, but it looks pretty convincing. It's fairly gruesome... don't watch it if exploding heads upset you.
Thursday, 8/30/01 - I usually don't pass along joke e-mails, but I thought this one I received recently was so funny and stupid at the same time (at least to me) that I decided to share it...
Thanks goes to Christopher T. Shields for that one. Alabama residents (or sympathizers) may send hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Wednesday, 8/29/01 - Well, I guess we can all agree that Gary Condit is quite a lying weasel. If you didn't watch the Connie Chung interview, you've probably heard about it. He's definately hiding something. While "answering" Chung's questions, his eyes were darting around wildly as if he were watching a ping pong tournament. I didn't believe him for a minute when he said, "I drove my Chevy to meet Levy, but Miss Levy was gone."
Tuesday, 8/28/01 - I recieved my IRS tax rebate check in the mail yesterday. On my annual income tax returns, I always make it a point to mention the fact that I am 20 ft. tall. Of course, there's no actual line to fill in that requests that information... I staple a special attachment of my own to my returns. I guess that strategy paid off as the amount of my rebate check is $10,000.
Monday, 8/27/01 - There's a REALLY stupid commercial that's been running on TV for a few weeks now. It's for Hanes underwear and shows four guys, all wearing standard white briefs, standing in a a locker room. They turn around to see Michael Jordan, of all people, sitting on a bench. Jordan pulls out a pair of red Hanes briefs from his gym bag. The four guys all look at each other, embarrassed of their drab undies. The next scene (the next day, I guess) is of these same four guys now proudly wearing the same style of red Hanes briefs that Jordan displayed previously. Now to their dismay, Jordan outsmarts them by pulling out a pair of polka-dotted briefs.
What's up with this scenario? Are these four guys so in love with another man that they have to wear the same kind of underwear as him? With the quasi-homosexual overtones, this commercial takes the religion of sports hero worship to a new and very strange level. Why would anyone want to "be like Mike" to the point of purposely wearing the same underwear that he does?
I can imagine that these four guys immediately ran out and bought this red underwear together, giggling excitedly. They then called each other later that night and talked about wearing the red underwear the next day, and shared their hopes and dreams that Michael would love them for it. They probably didn't get much sleep that night. The next day, they rushed down to the gym, changed into the briefs, checked each other out, smoothed out any wrinkles or imperfections in each other's briefs, and then posed nervously in the locker room together (perhaps holding hands and praying) anxiously awaiting the arrival of Michael Jordan and his approval, only to be let down and embarrassed once again when the sly superstar threw a monkey wrench into their underwear plan.
And Michael Jordan, that evil bastard, knew exactly what he was doing. Now that he isn't playing pro basketball, he has all the time in the world to scheme and think of devilish ways to toy with the emotions of insecure men. He tries to come across as a nice guy, but deep down inside he is a sadistic menace, preying on weak-minded individuals with underwear fetishes. It is written "Beware the beast Air Jordan, for He shall lead you to self ruin and eternal damnation... and really confuse you with the underwear thing."
Moral of the story? Be yourself, you morons! Don't let some overpaid sports figure dictate how you should dress or live. I mean, come on, this is kid stuff... how old are you anyway? Break away from the herd and be an individual.
Friday, 8/24/01 - Recently, I did a simple little flyer for a carnival and picnic to be held tomorrow at my daughter's school. The information that the PTA lady gave me sort of alarmed me at first, but I proceeded to design the flyer anyway, assuming they knew what they were doing. If you somehow find yourself in Knoxville, Tennessee tomorrow afternoon, stop by the carnival and check it out... it should be quite interesting.
Thursday, 8/23/01 - I and a couple of coworkers had an interesting lunch the other day. We went to eat at a deli where you place your order at the counter, they give you a stub with a number on it, and you find a table and await your number to be called (over a loudspeaker) and then go back up to the counter and obtain your meal. Simple system you would think, but the only problem was that the deli staff is of Middle-Eastern/Arabic origin and the pronunciation of the numbers was, let's say, "creative."
were sitting at our table listening for numbers to be called out,
but instead heard sounds like "petti-corn, bap-tie, teddy-tree,
fee-tay, dondi-pah, sziszo-tohn, lento-meh."
My order was #120 but was called out as "fond-de-soh."
I went to the eye doctor today to pick up some new glasses. I like to think of myself as a nice guy who's pretty easy to get along with, but I guess I may be wrong... as I was in the waiting room, I overheard one of the optometrist staff mutter "You take Longmire... I just can't deal with that %#$@$#% today."
Tuesday, 8/21/01 - Never attempt to dismantle and repair a tape measure. Trust me... it can't be done. Just buy a new one.
Friday, 8/17/01 - At the beginning of each school year, there are a multitude of forms, pages, and cards that a parent needs to sign or fill out for the kid(s) to take back. My daughter filled out most of one form before she gave it to me, I guess to save me some time. I found it very amusing on one line where it asked the parent "Relationship to student", she had written "Real close."
The (almost) Daily Comment will be getting a new facelift in the next week or so. Look for a slightly new design and also some sidebar features to entertain you.
I may forget to mention this later, so while I'm thinking of it, I'd like to wish everyone out there a very Merry Christmas!
I may already be a winner
Speaking of coworkers, at work yesterday, I stopped by and spoke to a new female employee. Peering over the top of the cubicle she occupied, I made what I thought was a simple, polite, sincere and inoffensive comment of "You look nice today." Her reaction was one of horror as she screamed and ran out of the ladies' restroom.
Yesterday morning I was getting dressed and was putting on a new shirt and noticed this little sticker on it...
I pulled it off and just for fun, placed the sticker in the middle of my forehead... and promptly forgot that it was there. I took the kids to school and then stopped at a convenience store. On the way to work, I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw that it was still on my head. And I thought all those smiles I got from people were due to my irresistible charm and stunning beauty.
Wednesday, 8/15/01 - OK, one more shopping story. This time, last night we went to Just For Feet to shop for sneakers, or as we have always called them... "tennashoes." This store's big gimmick is that they keep a tab on the number of pairs of shoes you buy, and when you reach 12, then the 13th pair is free. I'm at pair number 8 now, and with my luck, I fully expect these stores to burn down just after I reach 11 pairs.
I think the athletic footwear of today is designed by patients in a Taiwanese insane asylum. That can be the only explanation for the outlandish look of athletic shoes today. Back when I was a teenager (mid to late 70s), I think we only had Converse All-Star canvas shoes and Adidas with the stripes. Now, you have ridiculously overpriced shoes with strange shapes, alien textures and striping, multicolored soles, zippers, tassels, handles, buckles, pull starts, pumps, straps, bells, whistles, you name it. Some looked like clown vomit, some like robot shoes, others like elf slippers. We actually laughed out loud at some of the crap on the shelves. My son summed it up quite nicely with one line: "These shoes look like toys."
Tuesday, 8/14/01 - Today is the first day of school here in Knoxville, and last night, my daughter and I went shopping for some new clothes for her. As you can imagine, clothing for teenagers is one of the biggest rackets going. I noticed that any simple little shirt that had the snobbish brands of Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger, or Ralph Lauren, among others, emblazoned across the front jacked the price up $10-15 more than other non-branded shirts of the same style and quality. I think you're a total idiot if you pay more for basically the same product just to have the designer's name on the shirt. Thankfully, although my daughter is very much at the fashion-conscious age, she doesn't really care about name brands and is actually concerned about me spending too much money unnecessarily on her. She has a lot more sense at her age than many adults that I see that are walking billboards for Abercrombie and Fitch. A friend of mine keeps saying that people are sheep and I really believe that.
Wednesday, 8/08/01 - I'd like to remind everyone out there that August is "Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Weightlifting Month."
"I had a dream... that I could curl 900 lbs."
8/07/01 - Sometimes we are stupid
One of the many stupid things I can recall doing is stopping at a small convenience store and attempting to get a Coke from a vending machine. The machine kept rejecting the same quarter repeatedly. The cashier advised me to rub the top of it and try the quarter again. So, naturally, I misunderstood her and rubbed the top of the vending machine. Just after I did this, I realized that she really meant the quarter and I also acknowledged what a moron I was. Fortunately, no one witnessed this feat of stupidity. I did get my Coke, though. I think this occurred during my laxative addiction period.
I completely forgot that yesterday was the 1st Anniversary of The Wonderful World of Longmire at this web address. This nightmare originated on AOL (a lot of us unwittingly started on AOL) about 4 years ago and then resided on another server after that before it came to rest with a big wet thud where it is now. So, sing happy birthday to me and give your screen a spanking!
Number nine, number nine...
Reading about Pdom, I found that they are based in New Zealand. So, Jerry Lewis is regarded as a comic genius in France, David Hasselhoff is a singing sensation in Germany, and I'm hot in New Zealand. Have I ever mentioned how much I love New Zealanders? WELL, I DO, DAMMIT!
It's really cool to find encouraging things like this and know that people actually like what I'm doing. And seeing the company that I share near the top of these 100 sites, I'm truly amazed that I'm among them.
Thursday, 8/02/01 - Is it just me, or is anyone else getting really tired of Julia Roberts? Every time she's in a romantic comedy (and she makes a LOT of them), I keep seeing previews that feature her smiling, bearing all 117 of her gigantic teeth, and bursting out laughing in an annoying cackle.
MTV is celebrating its 20th birthday. I remember the first night it aired, an old high school chum named Greg Watters and I were at a Knoxville nightclub, Doodles (now defunct), and got free T-shirts with the MTV logo and slogan "You'll Never Look at Music the Same Way Again." I watched just a few minutes of the anniversary show last night, but long enough to hear two more items to add to the "phrases (and buzzwords) we can do without" list...
8/01/01 - Never underestimate the power of the Apes
I saw this ad in the paper recently. Evidently, this casino is having a show with celebrity look-alikes and, to me, it implies that the person pictured in the ad is one. But, for the life of me, I can't figure out who he's supposed to resemble. Can you help me out? This is really bothering me.
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