Hi, I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU. Click here if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee.
Friday, 8/29/03 - I warned you it was coming...
Well what do you know, I've added a new feature page to the web site... Longmire does Romance Novels.
Check it out, lovers.
Just make sure you have some tissues handy.
Wednesday, 8/27/03 -
Saturday, 8/23/03 - I have some concerns about the intentions of one of Knoxville's mayoral candidates...
(Click on graphic for a larger view)
Friday, 8/22/03 -
Thursday, 8/21/03 - So, I was at the grocery store this evening when the old woman in front of me broke the rules. You're supposed to bring your cart to the left of the checkout and then proceed to the other side, crossing over to the right, to pay. This old bag stayed to the left and watched every single item of hers being scanned. I yelled out "HEY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" and stepped forward to terminate this vile disregard of supermarket protocol when the seat of her pants started rumbling and expanding like a hot pan of Jiffy-Pop popcorn, and emitting a cantaloupe-like smell.
To my further amazement, she slowly elevated and hovered about 2 feet off the floor as an electronic humming sound increased its volume and pitch to tea kettle intensity. The store's loudspeaker system interrupted a Muzak version of "The Pina Colada Song" with a countdown in progress... "12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7..." It was then that someone yelled "GO, BABY, GO!" Suddenly and without warning, when the count reached 3, her pants exploded in a rainbow colored cloud of Cocoa-Puffs followed by a fine mist of hot dog water.
There was a brief silence followed by a round of applause. Knowing that I had been outdone, I graciously conceded defeat and gave her my Hot Pockets coupons as a peace offering. But, to my sadness, she refused them and uttered "You have offended me, therefore, you shall never hear me sing." With that she waddled, charred pants in tatters, out of the supermarket and out of my life.
Moral of this story? Countdowns sometimes end at 3.
Tuesday, 8/19/03 - The price of success is $4.00 a month...
My other site, www.eegah.com, has gotten so many hits that it's gone over its traffic quota for the month and is now temporarily "off the air". The free web hosting has turned out to be not so free after all, and I had to crack open the wallet to expand the traffic allotment and also the site's storage size from 20MB to 50MB. So now I'll be paying $4.00 a month for you fine people to enjoy the madness that is EEGAH! Still a pretty sweet deal, actually.
Sunday, 8/17/03 - I got a postcard in the mail yesterday. It's from a local photography studio advertising senior pictures for the Class of 2004, my son's graduating high school class. Take a look, it's quite unbelievable...
Notice anything strange? OK, here's an enlargement of the lower left corner...
This looks like a tasteless joke, but it isn't. This is an unaltered scan from the postcard, no Photoshop trickery here, folks. ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE... WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???? With all the school shootings that have occurred, I simply cannot believe they put this photo on the card. This has got to be one of the biggest bonehead moves I've ever seen.
Jeez... I think I'll send this in to the newspapers or Jay Leno.
Thursday, 8/14/03 - Someone gave me two ceramic cats a while back. I never did like them, nor did I care for the person who left them with me. They've just been sitting around the house for a year taking up space. I had a really tough day at work yesterday and felt the need to let off some steam, so I took the cats outside, gave them a toss, and smashed them to pieces on my driveway.
It felt good.
And what beautiful sounding crashes they made. It even got the attention of my nosy neighbor, who immediately sprang into action and grabbed his rat dog to walk it... giving him a reason to stroll past my house to investigate the "disturbance". I guess seeing me taking pictures of two freshly smashed ceramic cats will keep him wondering for a while, plus give him plenty of gossip material for days. When this jerk isn't busy snooping and gossiping with the other old ladies on the block, he's the caretaker of the pool next door. If there was a way to fornicate with a swimming pool, this guy would do it. That's how much he lives for that pool. But his first love has to be cigarettes and beer. He's never seen without one in each hand. I think he's probably even rigged up a device so that he can smoke while he sleeps. Sometimes we see a light on late at night in his den, where his computer is. My kids and I refer to these occasions as "porno night."
Yes, I don't like him.
Wednesday, 8/13/03 -
Like he's not making enough money already. That greedy little bastard needs to just shut up and sing. (That didn't make any sense, did it?)
Here's some Kenny Chesney photos that don't make any sense...
Tuesday, 8/5/03 - This past weekend I went on a little overnight trip to beautiful Gatlinburg, TN, The Gateway to Hell... uh, I mean... The Gateway to The Great Smoky Mountains (National Park). Here's just a few photos I took...
(Click on the photos for a larger view)
Saturday, 8/2/03 - For the past two days, I haven't been able to get the phrase "Potent Potables" out of my head. It's the name of a reoccurring category on Jeopardy! and I find myself constantly thinking about it and saying it out loud wherever I go.
©2003, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire