Thursday, 12/7/00 - After a two-day bout with some sort of intestinal bug, this morning I broke wind so deep it rattled and popped the back of my neck. Yep, I'm back to normal.
Tuesday, 12/5/00 - Al Gore, we love ya, but it's time to give it up, babe.
A couple of things I saw
on TV last night...
I saw a Wal-Mart commercial about a young couple getting engaged. The guy asks his bride-to-be where he should get the rings and she answers "Wal-Mart." A woman that requests jewelry from Wal-Mart? Wow. Where are these women and how can I get one?
- A Friendly Tip
for a Healthier You
Saturday, 12/2/00 -
Friday, 12/1/00 -Why do I always sniff the deodorant before I put it on?
Thursday, 11/30/00 - I was awakened at 2 am this morning by a rapid-fire ringing of the doorbell and incessant knocking on the front door. Startled, I got up and staggered to the window to see a large black limousine parked on the street in front of my house. I opened the door to find a haggard-looking and tearstained Al Gore standing there. He asked me if I might have any uncounted ballots laying around. I replied "Are you kidding? No!" He pleaded "I'm desperate!" as I slammed the door in his face and went back to bed. About 5 minutes later, I heard another noise, got back up, opened the door that leads to my carport and saw Al Gore again, this time he was rooting through my garbage cans. I said "I told you I didn't have any ballots!" I started toward him with a broom to shoo him away but was stopped by his Secret Service agents.
Later, I was watching the morning news and heard that the vice president has ordered a Coast Guard search for ballots in the same Martha's Vineyard area where JFK Jr.'s plane went down last year, apparently in hopes that some ballots might have drifted up there from Florida.
I also heard that Gore has asked the astronauts in the new international space station to keep their eyes open for any ballots that may be floating around in orbit.
Knoxville Kommunity Events
Monday, 11/27/00 -Who could have predicted that almost three weeks after a presidential election, there would still not be a clear-cut winner? Well, I think we all can agree that this whole mess is stupid, but it IS definitely history being made.
If you'd like to take out any frustrations on either Gore or Bush (or both), or just have some fun, check out this site. Don't worry, they don't dance.
- Christmas Decorations
If you're going to have these types of decorations in your yard, I think it's important to pick only one theme and don't mix the religious icons with the contemporary North Pole stuff. I'm no bible scholar, but I think I know the Christmas story well enough to realize that there were no snowmen wearing top hats present to witness the birth of Jesus.
Saturday, 11/25/00 - Happy Anniversary! I started The (almost) Daily Comment one year ago today. Wow, (almost) one year of insane ramblings.
I, my two kids, and my mom, traveled to Nashville this morning for a family get-together this afternoon. Later in the evening, we had dinner with my Aunt Reba and her husband Robert at an Applebee's. I had barbecue ribs and they later played havoc with my digestive system. We stayed over at a hotel and I had to make several trips to the bathroom because I had a terrible case of upset stomach and (very audible) gas. And my son seemed to be testing how fast he could drink a Pepsi to burp as much and as loud as he could. You can imagine the sounds bouncing around the walls of our room. I made a comment to my mom and the kids that the other guests on our floor must be wondering what in the world was wrong with those people in 212. So, now in addition to the sounds of farting and burping was the sound of uncontrollable laughter.
Thursday, 11/23/00 - Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Uh.. well... um... all right... HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!
There... I said it.
I feel so dirty now.
Monday, 11/20/00 - Hey everybody, let's make a deal... let's try our best not to, never ever again, refer to Thanksgiving as "Turkey Day." Nnnn-kay?
Thursday, 11/16/00 - I'm not satisfied with my lunch at Waffle House the other day. I think I ordered the wrong meal due to the menu being too confusing. Also, after I gave my order to the waitress and had concerns that I made a mistake, she told me that I could not reorder. The outcome of the lunch was too close to call and a relunch is now needed. The persons I had the lunch with have filed a lawsuit to stop this relunch. In return, I have counter-sued them in Federal Lunch Court.
Today, by order of the Secretary of Lunch, a relunch has been declared for 11:30 tomorrow. The location of this relunch has yet to be determined by the County Board of Lunches, but it sure as hell won't be Waffle House.
Wednesday, 11/15/00 - This morning I opened the refrigerator and our kitten promptly ran and jumped into it. Geez, I'm glad I saw this and got her out. With all the other dead and smelly things in there, I probably wouldn't have noticed her for a while.
After a good soaking last night, my aching leg is feeling much better. It's amazing what a steaming hot bath can do... that and a steaming hot jug of whiskey.
OK, here's one more dancing presidential candidate page. I promise it's the last one I mention.
Tuesday, 11/14/00 - Egad!! I went to the grocery store and saw something unimaginable. Heinz Ketchup is now selling a new style of ketchup in a squeeze bottle that has light and dark swirly stripes in it like toothpaste... and it's GREEN! Green striped ketchup. Why?
We still don't have a presidential winner. I know why. My birthday was Nov. 6. The only gift I got was a table lamp from my mom. The election was Nov. 7 and soon turned into chaos. Put it together...this is payback time for all you lousy cheapskates who didn't get me a gift. Don't ever underestimate my power again.
Monday, 11/13/00 - I think I pulled a muscle on Saturday when I was cleaning the gutters. My right thigh is sore from my hip to my knee. When I walk, my leg shimmies. People at work are now calling me "Mr. Wobble," which is a lot better, I guess, than my former name, "Mr. Dribble."
Speaking of cleaning gutters, take it from me... even though it's tempting, don't ever taste the shingle sludge that accumulates in gutters. Sure, the hint of cinnamon is pleasing at first, but the aftertaste is horrific and really gives you one heckuva stomach ache.
Speaking of aftertastes, as the election saga continues on, we still don't know who will be the next President. But, as you can see below, Dubya is optimistic and is already doing a victory dance...
See more ditties like this at this site.
Saturday, 11/11/00 - Last night, on AMC, I watched one of the most idiotic movies ever made, titled It Conquered the World. Made in 1956, this Roger Corman movie features young versions of Peter Graves and Lee Van Cleef. The "It" is a big carrot-like creature (with giant crab claws) from Venus. Yes, the monster looks as bad as it sounds. This movie has the most priceless nonsense dialogue you'll ever want to hear. I recommend it if you like old bad movies. It's a masterpiece of stupidity.
Speaking of stupidity, homeboy Johnny Knoxville (of MTV's Jackass show) made an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. He does the ole' hometown proud.
Friday, 11/10/00 - Yesterday, I overdosed on CNN. For all of the morning and most of the afternoon, I did housework, laundry, and watched CNN's coverage of the Florida vote recount that came out of the election. What a mess this has become. And CNN covered it ALL DAY. The same information being reported over and over. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. And I was an idiot for watching it for so long. It's ridiculous to think that the election of a new president would come down the the vote tally of one county in Florida. That's insane. Evidently, the ballot format in this county was confusing to voters and a lot of them seem to feel that they inadvertently voted for Buchanan rather than Gore. Also, a large number of double votes were disqualified.
At one point, they covered a Jesse Jackson press conference. JESSE JACKSON??? What does he have to do with this? Seems like Jesse Jackson shows up everywhere promoting Jesse Jackson. He was down in Florida protesting the confusing ballot. He said, "This isn't a matter of black or white... it's a matter of wrong and right." Where did that come from? Did anyone ever think this election snafu was racially motivated?
After listening to numerous opinions considering a revote in that Florida county, I've personally come to this conclusion: TOO FREAKIN' BAD! Get over it. No revote. Leave the votes as they are and let's get on with it. I hate things that drag out, especially when they're brought into the courts. I voted for Gore, I would like to see him win but not with the stigma of a technicality hanging over him throughout his presidency. But I suppose either candidate is going to have to deal with that stigma and doubt whatever the final outcome is.
Compare the election results to a ballgame. If the score is tied and the last play of the game is a winning goal given to a team by a questionable call by an official, that's it. There may be complaints, but there is no do-over. Both teams know the rules going in and know that the official's call is final. The fans know this too. You may grumble for a while, but you have to get over it.
Wednesday, 11/8/00 - Well... who's the new President? WHO'S YOUR DADDY??!!
On Monday, my birthday, I went out and bought myself a present. I got a PlayStation game, Medal of Honor-Underground, which is the sequel to Medal of Honor. In this game, the character you portray is a French resistance fighter during World War II. I played it all day yesterday. This game is cool, much better than the first one. I highly recommend it to all you gamers out there.
- Election Day.
Before I went in to vote, I saw some questionable campaign tactics. There was a booth set up outside that read "VOTE FOR BUSH, GET A FREE BEER."
I walked into the school gym and headed straight to the voting booths, bypassing the check-in tables on purpose. Of course, soon I was stopped by a poll worker:
worker: "Excuse me sir, you need to..."
After a brief scuffle, they finally get me over to the table and sign me in and I get my little orange card and stand in line for a voting booth... with everyone watching me by this time.
I walked into the voting booth and start perusing the ballot choices, talking to myself in a loud voice and laughing (sound file, 56k, aiff), still using the Russian accent.
After voting, I stepped out of the booth, flipped my silk scarf over my shoulder, gave a snappy salute, and bid farewell to everyone present: "GOODBYE, MY FRIENDS!" I then finished celebrating my constitutional rights as an American and went to McDonald's for a sausage biscuit.
- Happy Birthday to Me.
The election is tomorrow, and I have come up with a foolproof scientific method to select the candidate I am going to vote for...
- Holy Smokes!
Guy vs. The Numb Guy
George W. Bush is now promising everyone that, if he is elected, not only will you be able to access your Social Security funds to bankroll your own investments, you will also be able to cash those phony nonnegotiable checks that you get in the mail from Publishers Clearing House and car dealerships.
Bush also is continuing to comment on his 1976 DUI arrest. He went a step too far in one uncalled-for and bizarre remark made to the press, stating "Well, at least no one drowned," referring to the 1969 Chappaquidick incident involving Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy.
Al Gore is now claiming that he invented Frosted Pop Tarts. Why he thinks this is an asset to his credibility as a leader has political pundits and the public baffled.
Gore flew into Knoxville today for a campaign stop. He didn't arrive on an airplane... he literally flew in as he has now acquired the power of flight. The crowd of 8,000 gathered at the Knoxville airport were understandably impressed as the Vice President performed several barrel-rolls, loop-de-loops, and heart-stopping dives before making a perfect landing atop his wife Tipper.
Thursday, 11/2/00 - Boy, the TV is thick with political ads running in these last days before the election. And on the news tonight, a story broke concerning George W. Bush being convicted of a DUI back in 1976. Strange that this would come out now after 24 years, huh? I guess some people are getting desperate at the last minute.
This election will prove to be historical either way it goes. I may be wrong with my facts, but If Bush is elected, it will be the second time in American history that the son of a president is elected president himself. The last time was John Quincy Adams, son of John Adams? Also, if Gore wins, it will be the first time an inanimate object is elected President of the United States.
I challenge every TV weather forecaster in the country to get through the news just once without uttering the phrase "neck of the woods."
Why do we really care about seeing or meeting "celebrities?" It's either an ego thing or a form of idol worship. I used to work for a guy who had one wall of his office plastered with photos of himself with various celebrities that he had met. He was an OK guy but a braggart at times who dwelled on himself and his possessions. In my younger days, seeing a famous person would have been exciting, but it doesn't do much for me these days.
My brother used to work for a TV station, an NBC affiliate, and we attended an event hosted by the station one evening many years ago that featured stars of then currently playing sitcoms. Harry Stone (Night Court), Estelle Getty and Betty White (Golden Girls) were there as guests of honor at this bash held at a country club. Of course, the celebrities were constantly swamped with people craving their attention and conversation. At one point, Harry Stone was alone with no fans around. I thought about going up to talk to him (yes, there is a form of intoxicating fame-mania that people can be swept up in and I felt it for a moment), but I wondered what could I say to him that wouldn't obviously be idiotic chatter that's he heard countless times before? "Hey, I'm a really big fan?" I wasn't a fan of his or his show, anyway. So, I just walked past him to the buffet table (where the stuff I really care about was).
Also, Al Gore is making a campaign stop in Knoxville in a couple of days. It's funny that he is struggling for votes in Tennessee, his home state. You'd think it would be a sure thing. Back in 1980, I shook hands with Ronald Reagan when he was campaigning for president. He never actually saw me... I was just one of many hands he shook. Nancy Reagan was there as well and looked right at me. I got shivers. She was one scary looking broad. The only time I was near a current president was when I went downtown to try to get a glimpse of Jimmy Carter, just for the heck of it. All I saw was the black-tinted windows of his limo, but the presidential motorcade and all the Secret Service guys was an impressive and memorable event.
I've seen other celebrities and prominent figures over the years and it hasn't made any real difference or importance in my life other than small talk among friends. It's odd that when and if you ever mention your "encounters with greatness," you get a brief feeling of prestige among those you're with. But, I have to contradict myself here. Whenever I watch the Academy Awards show, I always feel a sense of loss when they present that tribute segment featuring actors who have died in the past year. So, I guess they did make some sort of small difference in my life after all. Fame is a weird thing.
10/31/00 - Halloween
Sunday, 10/29/00 - I spent this afternoon blowing leaves from my yard up to the road for pickup. In the past, I've had to redo some of the leaf piles because people sometimes drive through them. This year will be different. I've hidden numerous anvils under the piles of leaves.
I've been courting a cold all week and for the past few days, I've had
a hoarse voice. I wouldn't mine keeping the voice for a while because
it's one of those deep Barry White voices. I've been entertaining myself
and others by walking around saying seductive phrases such as...
Friday, 10/27/00 - I got a big surprise when I opened the door to my office this morning. I created this photo album at Zing.com to commemorate the blessed event.
Wednesday, 10/25/00 - Well, I learned something new today. The peep show tokens from the Porn o' Plenty Adult Boutique don't work in a Coke machine.
Sunday, 10/22/00 - Work is progressing nicely on the Wolf Man model. I've scanned the work so far...
Saturday, 10/21/00 - Ah yes, it's now really Autumn here in Tennessee. The leaves are ablaze with Fall colors, the lawns, driveways, and roads are littered with them, and the air is filled with the lovely whining of leaf blowers. It won't be very long until we'll have the view of bare trees for the next five months.
Thursday, 10/19/00 - This afternoon I bought a really cool model kit of the Wolf Man. I thought I would build it in time for Halloween. When it's finished, I'll take a picture of it and show it off to you. The model does contain a factual error in it, though. In the classic Wolf Man movie, the Wolf Man always has the top button of his shirt buttoned. On the model it's unbuttoned. For more info on this, go to this page.
Wednesday, 10/18/00 - I watched a "making the video" episode on MTV and a musical group was filming a video that featured a trio of naked midgets running down the street. That got me to thinking...(no, not about naked midgets) you know what most midgets' heads look like? Kind of heavy-browed and square shaped? Do you know what non-midget actor has a midget-looking head? Arnold Swarzenegger. Think about it.
Tuesday, 10/17/00 - After watching Invasion of the Saucer Men (which is a really cool little movie) on the AMC channel this evening, I turned the channel and watched the last of the Presidential debate. I'm still stunned by the unappealing nature of these two guys. Al Gore looks like some sort of android with Down Syndrome. George W. Bush could probably do well during the debates if he would sneak in a garage door remote and sizzle Gore's circuits with a few well-aimed clicks toward him. For some reason, Bush's face resembles my cat's face.
Speaking of cats... I took one of our cats to the animal shelter this past weekend and I don't feel one bit bad or guilty about it. We had this cat for about four months and it just didn't work out since the cat was obviously criminally insane. It would pick fights and chase our older cat around constantly and without mercy. It would also do other things. I was asleep one night and felt a tickling on my face. I rubbed my nose not knowing that my hand had been filled with shaving cream. I awoke to find this cat at the foot of my bed, staring at me. The cat has also set the dining room curtains on fire, shoved rolls of toilet paper down the toilet to make it overflow, taped over my Who's the Boss? episodes, threw the blender through the kitchen window, filled all my shoes up with used kitty litter, and called in fake pizza orders as well as ordering several unauthorized pay-per-view porno shows. I took it to the animal shelter and gave them a $10 donation just to get rid of the cat. As I was leaving the animal shelter, I couldn't help but smile (in relief) as I heard several crashes and screams coming from the building.
Thursday, 10/12/00 - Just for the heck of it, last week I submitted an ad to run on the back cover of a Knoxville newspaper, The Metro Pulse. The latest issue containing the ad came out today. Check out this clipping to see where they placed it...
Yep, right between an ad for a dating service and a... uh...umm... "self-improvement" advertisement... just where it should be, I suppose. Hey, if you got to this page via the ad, WELCOME, I hope you enjoy the site. By the way, those vacuum pumps don't work.
Wednesday, 10/11/00 - I'm about ready to park the car and start walking. I've almost got creamed in three separate traffic incidents this week. The first happened as I was driving out of my bank's parking lot when a souped-up pickup truck comes careening around a blind corner at maximum speed, practically on two wheels. I was at the point of no return in my crossing the road and had to floor it to clear the path of this idiot.
The second near-miss came when I was on a two-lane road and some guy (again in a pickup truck) suddenly starts passing a long line of cars and is heading straight for me and a head-on collision. I and several people behind me quickly veer onto the shoulder to avoid certain death and to allow this guy to make it to wherever he's going before happy hour is over.
The third incident occurred when I was driving straight down a multi-laned road, minding my own business, when this guy pulls out of a Wal-Mart parking lot and decides to turn wide and skip the lane nearest to him and veer right into my lane. I honked the horn as I swerved out of his way. I looked back in my rearview mirror and he's pointing at me. Have you had this happen before in traffic? You've clearly done nothing wrong, somebody pulls a bonehead maneuver on you, you react with a horn blow, and they act defensively as if it is YOUR fault?
What is the matter with people on the road today? Either they're talking on the phone discussing vital matters such as dry-cleaning or their kid's soccer practice, or they're in a damn big hurry to weave in and out of traffic, passing cars in the oncoming traffic lane, racing to the next red light so they can be the second car from the light rather than the third. After the third incident I described happened, I pulled over, got out and inspected my car, just to make sure that no one had painted the words "KILL ME" on the side.
Monday, 10/09/00 - It seems that for the past few days I've been getting a free preview of the STARZ! cable channel on TV. This past weekend, I watched the sci-fi movie Virus with Jamie Lee-Curtis and one of the Baldwin brothers (I don't recall his name... Tommy, Johnny?). In one scene, after a huge explosion, a black guy lays mortally wounded, with some object impaled through his chest. Baldwin kneels over him and says this great line of dialogue, "Don't bail on me, bro!" Since I heard this, I have been saying it constantly and driving everyone around me nuts. It's hard to fit this line in conversations at times, but if I see a chance to use it, I do without hesitation.
Baldwin's character is named Steve and his name is heard constantly throughout the movie. This would be a fun drinking game if you have a notion to... to watch this incredibly stupid movie and take a drink every time you hear the name "Steve." Just make sure you're not planning to drive anywhere afterwards because "Steve" is heard about every 20-30 seconds. Since I have nothing better to do, I'll watch the movie again and work on getting a "Steve" count for you.
Friday, 10/06/00 - I wrote a Halloween piece for the newsletter where I work and adapted it for this site. Read the personal thoughts of The Frankenstein Monster!
Tuesday, 10/03/00 - I watched some of the Presidential debate this evening. I have to tell you, I'm not very enthused about either of these guys. Gore and Bush were spouting a lot of facts and figures concerning their proposals if elected. I don't know much about what is going on to determine who is right or wrong, but judging from their comments, they clearly don't agree with the accuracy of the information each other provided. Bush seemed to exhibit the most serious and restrained behavior of the two, while Gore would constantly shake his head in disbelief and breathe heavy sighs of exasperation while Bush was discussing his own plans and noting discrepancies in Gore's proposals. Gore's behavior was over the top, exaggerated, foolish looking, and disrespectful toward his opponent. I expected that he would at any moment throw his hands up in the air and pace the stage, yelling "Lordy, lordy, I can't believe what I'm hearing!"
The moderator would ask each candidate the same question. Bush sometimes gave lame answers that he visibly struggled to come up with. Gore would respond the same way he always has throughout his political career... start out sounding like he was about to answer the question, but then veer off and start into a campaign speech spouting something unrelated to the question. Gore has a great talent of making you think he answered the question when he didn't. If asked about the use of U.S. military force throughout the world, Gore would end up talking about education, his wife Tipper, and what he had for breakfast. When Bush was asked a question, he would be hesitant at first, stuttering and stammering, while an audible noise could be heard... the sound of air whistling through his head.
So, as of yet, I don't know who to vote for. They say that if you don't vote, you have no right to complain about the outcome. Maybe I'll vote for a third party candidate like Ralph Nader. He won't win of course, but at least I will have done my duty and can start complaining.
It will be a close race, but I predict that Gore will be the next President.
Friday, 9/29/00 - Someone recently sent me this photo.
Looks like Hell isn't such a bad place after all.
Thursday, 9/28/00 - OK, another TV comment. I finally got around to watching some of the Olympics. I saw some of the women's diving competition. Yawn... what an incredible bore. Why don't they feature something more exciting... like hedge pruning?
Seems like the latest fashion among some of the male track and field athletes is to wear sunglasses while participating in their events. I had to laugh when I saw some of this... it looked to me like a lot of Ray Charleses and Stevie Wonders running around.
Tuesday, 9/26/00 - Recently, I was flipping through the TV channels and came across Cher in concert. I know a lot of jokes have been made about her many facelifts and plastic surgeries. Still, I wonder if her face and boobs would fall into her lap if her car suddenly hit some really big speed bumps.
Monday, 9/25/00 - Went back to work today and had about five new projects waiting on me. That's in addition to what I was working on when I left. Geez, you leave town for a couple of days, and everybody and their brother comes slivering out of the slime with work.
Friday, 9/22/00 - I just got back from Atlanta, where I took a 2-day class learning Flash animation. Atlanta is a really cool place, but I wouldn't want to live there and deal with it on a daily basis... too much traffic...too many people trying to do the same thing at the same time. Traffic this afternoon in Atlanta was incredible as we made our escape back to Knoxville.
Susan and I arrived late at our hotel in Atlanta on Wednesday night. The next morning (yesterday), the first order of business was to slice two fingertips on my right hand open. I achieved this just after ironing a shirt and trying to catch a unexpectedly collapsing ironing board by its underside. It's great to learn new software with two bandages on your mouse hand.
Wednesday, 9/20/00 - This morning I ripped one that was so bad, it scared me.
Monday, 9/18/00 - DATELINE: SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA...I heard on the news that a group of mudcaked Aborigines jumped into the main Olympic diving pool, rendering it unusable for the next three days, which will delay the diving finals.
On my way home from work, I was behind a pickup truck with a personalized license plate. At first I thought it read "TUF ANUS," but a closer look revealed that it was actually "TUF ANUF." Either way, I backed off a bit and gave him plenty of room.
Sunday, 9/17/00 - I was driving down Interstate 40 toward Nashville this afternoon when I saw a hitchhiker at the side of the road. He was holding his thumb out, and at the same time, in the same hand, was holding a McDonald's bag. I wondered if he was just displaying his lunch to passing motorists or offering it as a reward to whoever might give him a ride.
Saturday, 9/16/00 - Go Vols. Go Big Orange. Go. Go, go, go Big Orange Vols. I said go. Go, damn you, go. Go, Big Vols. GO GO GO. Go like you've never gone before. Go forth Large Orange Volunteers. Go to wherever you're supposed to be going. GO, GO, GO! Oh, Immense Reddish-Yellow Non-Solicited Assistance Providers, please go. Go baby, go.
Friday, 9/15/00 - Quˇ tiempo agradable estamos teniendo hoy en Tennessee del este. Es una inspecci—n previo del chivato del oto–o. Espero que cada uno tenga un gran fin de semana. Estancia fresca, bebˇ.
Wednesday, 9/13/00 - There are so many stringent policies where I work regarding sexual harassment, race discrimination, diversity, continuous improvement, safety, improper use of company equipment and information, etc., that it is overwhelming at times. After hours, I usually try to find a way to let off steam by violating these policies immediately. To unload the whole policy package at once, I find a handicapped lesbian minority to sell company secrets and computer passwords to while insulting her with racial slurs, showing her pornographic photos of coworkers misusing equipment, and discovering an innovative and cost-effective process of accidentally electrocuting her... all at the same time.
I'M KIDDING OF COURSE!!!
Tuesday, 9/12/00 - I think that the top two forms of redneck entertainment, NASCAR and pro wrestling, should be combined into one sport. The drivers could drive around the track, taunting and cutting each other off, and after crashing their cars together, they could climb out and start wrestling in the middle of the track. They could rip pieces off the cars and slam them into each other's heads. Hopefully, all the participants would be killed and these two sports would go away.
Monday, 9/11/00 - All my life I've never had a bird crap on me. This morning I thought my luck had run out when I felt something hit my head when a bird flew by overhead. I reached up and pulled a couple of seeds out of my hair. No mess, fortunately. I guess the bird just burped.
Sunday, 9/10/00 - I went out to eat lunch at Applebee's with my kids and my mother. I had some ribs and asked for a dozen of those lemony wipes. Mom got a little perturbed when I took my shirt off in the restaurant and proceeded to wash my chest and stomach with the wipes.
Friday, 9/8/00 -Last night my daughter and I went to her school's open house. I met her science teacher who was a very attractive lady... and single. She talked to the parents about the curriculum, homework, grading, etc. I was getting what I thought was some encouraging eye contact from her and tried to think of something intelligent to say. She asked us if we had any questions. Seeing this as my opportunity to impress her and, drawing from my vast knowledge of science, I asked her if the kids were going to learn about Hitler. Judging from her reaction, I think I blew my chances.
Thursday, 9/7/00 - I watched some of the MTV Music Awards program tonight. I may sound like the 40 year-old that I am, but I have to say that a lot of today's musical "artists" and their fans are getting more stupid each year. Here are a few brief observations I had:
Remember, I'm 40 and getting crankier and more senile as each day passes.
Thursday, 9/7/00 - An hour after I get home from the supermarket last night, I noticed that one grocery bag containing different kinds of candy never found its way home in my car. I circled the missing items on my receipt and drove back to the supermarket to find only two grocery store employees present...one cashier with a long line of disgruntled customers and a pimply, bleached-blonde teenager talking on the phone to his girlfriend. I waited patiently, with receipt in hand, for some assistance. The guy finally hung up, looked at me and said, "Do you need to use the phone?" I explained that I was missing some items from my earlier shopping adventure. He picked up the phone again and made another personal call.
I started to get angry.
He ended this call and said to me, "What did you say you needed?" I told him again and he says, "Was it the candy?" I calmly and slowly reply "(sigh) Yes, the candy." We walked over to a plastic bag that is still sitting there on the same counter, table, chute, whatever they're called, that I checked out at. He takes the receipt with my circled items and carefully checks the contents of the bag. They match, of course. As I suspected, it had failed to be placed in the cart when I was there before. All during this time, this grocery punk gave me this distrusting, skeptical look as he hesitantly releases the custody of the bag to me.
Who do I look like, David Copperfield? Did this guy think that I went to great lengths to devise a clever magic trick to amaze and entertain a grocery store employee by arriving unannounced and boasting that I could identify the unknown contents of a grocery bag? Did I arrange this elaborate ruse to cheat the store out of some candy? If I was conniving enough to do this, with my supernatural powers of mystery and telekinetic manipulation, I would have arranged for some pricey steaks and maybe a few pounds of shrimp to be in the grocery bag to make it worth the effort.
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