The WeatherPixie

Hi, I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU. Click here if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee. 

   

 

Wednesday, 4/30/03 - OK, OK... so I didn't get the new chapter of my Planet of the Apes... funkified! saga completed by today as I had promised a few weeks ago. But I am currently working on it. To tide you over in the meantime, please enjoy this picture I found today as I did a Google search for photos...

The page where I found this claimed that this scene was deleted from the final cut of the movie. It depicts Nova being ill due to pregnancy, but you can interpret it any way you like. HEY, I didn't take the picture.

Whoa. There's something to be said for the easy-access convenience of loincloths.

Monday, 4/28/03 - I'm stepping out with the boys tonight to go see a Broadway Show! Hooray! But whatever will I wear? HELLO... fashion emergency!

I've heard so much about this show from the guys at the office. They say that the Hissy-Fits On Parade musical number features a bitch-slapping fest (comparable only to Steve and Trey's New Year's Party) that is not to be missed. Oh dear God, I hope Travis won't be there. I loathe him. He left me flat on my back in Cancun with a huge hangover and an equally huge hotel bill. But yet, I still...well, enough about me... as if you need to hear my problems... again! HA!

I hope to see you at the show, mes amis. I'll be there... with bells on! Tee hee!

Friday, 4/25/03 - Enjoy a nightmare tonight, courtesy of me, after viewing this. Believe it or not, this video is nominated for a Webby Award in the Weird category. Links to more of the same at the bottom of this page. Like I said... SLEEP WELL TONIGHT NOW THAT YOU HAVE WITNESSED THE HORROR OF HASSELHOFF.

Have you ever drove through a neighborhood and saw a senior citizen standing in their yard or driveway near the road for no apparent reason... just standing there? Seems like I see this quite often. And the expressions on their faces as you drive by look like they are waiting for you to offer them an explanation as to why they are standing there.

My mom is 73 years old and gets a little nervous when she needs to do something out of her routine. When not standing in their driveways for no reason, elderly folks can get like that. So, earlier this week, I took my mom to the hustling and bustling metropolis of downtown Knoxville to answer to a jury duty summons she had received... to try get out of it and shirk her civic duty.

We arrived at the circuit court office as ordered and the clerk directs us to a jury room to fill out a form. Before my mom completes her form, one guy (who looks like he woke up in a wet pile of leaves) has just completed his and is turning it in. Now, this guy looks like jury material all right... it turns out that of all the choices of writing pens offered in the round cookie tin containing them, he picks out a yellow highlighter and fills out his form with it. YES, A YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER. The clerk tells him "Sir, I can barely read this, let alone Xerox it. Please redo it with a regular ink pen." Now, either he's a complete idiot or a genius at work to get out of jury duty.

After this stage of the process, we go into an actual courtroom to listen to an exhausting hour-long lecture from a judge. Afterwards, persons who want to be excused from jury duty can talk to him or a secretary to try their luck. We were prepared. I advised my mom of a sure fire way to be excused... goose step up to the judge, come to an abrupt halt in front of him, raise her arm in a salute while clicking her heels and yelling out "Ach! Mein Herr! Und! UND!" Plan B was to present him with a photo of himself in a compromising position with a chicken. I have a collection of photos on file similar to this of various local judges... just in case.

But no, my mom told him of her migraine headaches, her responsibility of watching grandchildren, her difficulty of coming downtown... you know, boring unimaginative reasons not to serve on a jury.

She was excused.

 

Sunday, 4/20/03 - HAPPY EASTER!

This appeared in the front yard of the house across the street this morning...

I don't know what the religious symbolic significance could be, but what a lovely sight nonetheless. Maybe, if I'm lucky, it will ascend unto heaven later today.

One of my favorite memories from childhood is an Easter egg hunt that my dad filmed with his Bell & Howell 8mm movie camera. Things were going well until he filmed me finding an egg and then I "celebrated" by shaking and wagging my butt at the camera. That's all it took for my dad to get mad and put the camera up for the day. Evidently, I must have ruined Mr. Spielberg's chances at an Oscar with that spur of the moment ad-lib. I must have been about 7 or 8 years old at the time, but it proves that I was literally a "smartass" early on. I transferred our old home movies to video a few years ago. Maybe I'll take a look and have another laugh at it today.

Saturday, 4/19/03 - Photo taken outside a KenJo (Home of the Rampaging Indian With a 14 Inch Knife) convenience store in Oak Ridge, Tennessee...

Now "hirnig?" Super Grandaddy only $4.49? Huh? What the %#@& is going on here?

Friday, 4/18/03 - Earlier this week, a coworker brought it to my attention that Ralph Lauren has come out with a fragrance titled, simply, RALPH. While he thought the name was hysterical as it is a slang term for the act of vomiting, I didn't see his take on it nearly as hilarious as he did... nor did anybody else in the office. He ended up pleading for someone, anyone, to laugh at his joke.

Anyway, it did make me start thinking of a companion product for the RALPH fragrance...

Thursday, 4/17/03 - So, Michael Jordan (yawn) retired from pro basketball again yesterday after a game which his team lost. Bummer. What a contrast that is to his last "last" game. Do you remember that one 5 years ago? He made the winning basket in the last seconds of Game 6 against the Utah Jazz to give the Chicago Bulls their sixth championship in eight years. Man, that was a perfectly ideal way to retire. You couldn't ask for anything better. But a couple of years later, he couldn't leave well enough alone. He undos that dramatic grand finale by returning to pro basketball to play on a loser of a team.

I distinctly remember when I first heard the news that he was returning to the NBA yet again on this latest go-around with the Wizards... it was on the Today show the morning of September 11, 2001. Later that morning, a bigger news event occurred that upstaged Jordan.

Wednesday, 4/16/03 - Rap/hip hop recording "artists" have strange names with creative misspellings. Here are just a few...

  • Busta Rhymes
  • Cam'ron
  • Xzibit
  • Outkast
  • Ginuwine
  • Mystikal
  • Sticky Fingaz
  • DJ Quik
  • The X-ecutioners
  • Eazy-E
  • Snoop Dogg
  • Shyne
  • Fabolous
  • Ludacris


I thought it would be cool to have a rapper name for myself. I'm considering one of the following...

  • Caukazion
  • Da Sexx Connektor
  • Magnifiscent
  • Luvnubb
  • Sizzy Boyy
  • Prostayte Playah
  • SkiddMark Britchez
  • Fulla Fartz

Tuesday, 4/15/03 - Mail your (completed) income tax return to the IRS, ya lazy bum.

Monday, 4/14/03 - The Easter season is upon us, and at this time of year our thoughts naturally turn to... me. Mark Longmire.

I can understand your interest and fascination. I mean... just look at me!

Who wouldn't love and adore me? When the subject of me comes up... as it always does... two burning questions are always asked, so I thought I would answer them for you...

QUESTION 1:
Why do birds suddenly appear every time I am near?
ANSWER:
Just like you, they long to be close to me.
QUESTION 2:
Why do stars fall down from the sky every time I walk by?
ANSWER:
(once again) Just like you, they long to be close to me.
EXPLANATION:
On the day that I was born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true. So, they sprinkled moondust in my hair of gold, and starlight in my eyes of blue.
CONCLUSION:
That is why all the girls in town follow me all around. Just like you, they long to be close to me.

Now, from that you would think I live a charmed life, but I have to tell you that being a beautiful, perfect being has it drawbacks— like dodging flocks of birds, falling asteroids, and the entire female population of the town following me everywhere I go at every minute. Plus, I have a terminal case of psoriasis resulting from that damn moondust.

But, being perfect is worth enduring all that. I only wish that you had a fraction of my perfection so that you could have at least a small sampling of my blessed existence.

I will be available briefly for autographs in the lobby. Autographs on breasts are acceptable, and are encouraged, as long as the writing surface is clean.

Sunday, 4/13/03 - Yep, America has definitely arrived in Baghdad...

Saturday, 4/12/03 - ŃAmo su ropa córnea!
In February, my friend Susan went to Aruba with her husband. She brought a booklet entitled "Ingles para enamour," which is a translation book for Spanish speakers to learn phrases and pickup lines for dating (and loving) speakers of English... American tourists, I assume. She graciously loaned it to me so that I could use as the basis of another one of my incredibly funny comedy bits.

The great thing about this little book is that some of the phrases don't translate well, and some are just odd things to say. It's like the authors didn't bother to consult with anyone who actually spoke English fluently... or with anyone who's been in a singles bar since 1975. The following phrases are some of the unintentionally humorous ones I found in the book...

SPANISH
ENGLISH TRANSLATION
Me gusta descybrir tus secretos I love discovering you
Me gusta ser yo mismo contigo I love letting go with you
No sere un sueno que se rompe I will not be a broken dream
Vamos a dar una vuelta Let's go around
Eres un fenomeno! You are a knock down!
Nunca te abandonare! I won't ever dump you!
Me gusta el juego del amor I enjoy the foreplay
Sin compromiso Without any commitment
Que ha pasado con nuestros suenos? What has become of our dreams?
Nuestro compromiso termino Our affair is over
De que te quejas? What is your complaint?
Tu tiempo se ha terminado! Your time is up!
Eres un pesimo amante You are a lousy lover
Este es un final amargo This is a bitter ending
Me estas molestando con tu insistencia You are bugging me down with your insistence
Quiero librarme de ti I want to get rid of you
Tengo ganas de hacerte el amor I am horny
No amor morboso (sucio) No kinky love
Esta no es una relacion platonica This is a hot affair
Vamos a banarnos juntos Let's take a shower together
Dejame ayudarte a quitar la ropa Let me help you with your clothes
Carino..., tu eres lo que necesito! You are the right thing..., baby!


Yesterday I got a mention on Inn of the Last Home, which featured a sampling of recent blog entries (Volunteer Tailgate Party, Vol.1) from The Rocky Top Brigade... which is a group of Tennessee web log authors.

Thursday, 4/10/03 - Impressive images from Baghdad yesterday as US forces and Iraqi citizens pull down and demolish a statue of Saddam Hussein in a public square...

Just as impressive is the statue that immediately went up in its place...


Idea: Christopher Shields, Graphic: Mark Longmire

Yes, America... and The Intimidator... have arrived in Baghdad. Makes you want to weep uncontrollably, doesn't it?

Wednesday, 4/9/03 - Just as I was feeling confident that our military was doing the right thing in Iraq, because of the images of rejoicing citizens cheering and embracing US soldiers, we go and pull a couple of boners. Taking out a building and a block of a residential area in an attempt to kill Saddam Hussein (and I now hear unconfirmed reports that we missed him again) ... plus, shooting up a hotel where journalists were located... were bad calls. I'm no media expert, but I would think that killing members of the international press wouldn't make for favorable news stories in print or broadcast.

From what I've seen and read, the Iraqi people seem to be a fickle bunch that have a mob mentality. Jubilation can quickly turn to hostility. They are divided in their feelings toward the US and tend to react to what is right in front of them at the moment. I think we may be in a wee bit over our heads when it comes to keeping the peace and establishing a new government for these people.

And I also think President Bush and our policy-makers are deceiving us when they say that the establishment of a new government is totally up to the Iraqi people. If the Iraqis choose a form of government that has similarities to yet another dictatorship or one to our disliking, I 'm sure we will step in and say, "nope, pick another, try again."

At least, those are my opinions. Sometimes I question my own opinions as I have doubt because I can see both sides of the war arguments and have had a hard time deciding what to believe in. So, I've chosen to take the easy route with a vacation from watching or reading war coverage on TV and the web. Like a lot of people, I've been overdosing on it lately and need a break. About the only places on television safe from war coverage is HGTV or the Cartoon Network.

For all you fine folks out there who have e-mailed me requesting, some begging, for the next installment of my Planet of the Apes... funkified! parody, be assured that I will have it online by the end of this month. That's April 30, in case you were wondering! Plus, I'm going to try to commit myself to having a new installment by the end of each month. Judging from the film, I think I'm almost finished anyway.

As always, I appreciate your interest in my work here at The Wonderful World of Longmire and it's my pleasure to entertain you. Plus, it's fun to work on the ape parody... once I get my lazy butt in gear and do it!

Tuesday, 4/8/03 -

Monday, 4/7/03 - I did some work on eegah.com and finally finished the humorous alternate version of EEGAH!... as if the actual movie wasn't unintentionally funny enough. The site is about 80% completed now. Check it out.

Sunday, 4/6/03 - I watch the Today show regularly and I was quite stunned and saddened to hear of the death of NBC news correspondent (and Today weekend edition co-anchor) David Bloom as he covered the war in Iraq. He was a good reporter and seemed to be a genuinely nice guy.

Watching CNN, it's hard seeing the conditions of the Iraqi people, especially the injured... and images of terrified parents and children as they are held at gunpoint while their home is searched by US Marines. And it's also heartbreaking to see friends, family, and fellow soldiers mourning US war casualties.

I hope this war is over soon.

Saturday, 4/5/03 - Well, the Iraqi military didn't deliver last night on its promise of a "unconventional" attack, and according to the Iraqi Information Minister, they still control the main airport after "slaughtering" coalition forces. They don't tell the truth very often, do they? The obvious, childish lies that they tell are incredible... so desperate are they to hold on to power. If the situation wasn't so serious, you could laugh at their behavior.

I got this e-mail at work yesterday...

From: Jilson, Betty
Sent: Friday, April 04, 2003 11:01 AM
To: All Staff Members
Subject: Procedures for Reporting Problems with the Building

This message is mostly for the idiots at Danson Road--but for all you other mother-lovin' freaks if you are over here when a problem occurs---here's what you need to do.

First---DON'T CALL ME. I have no interest in your petty little problems and I could care less if you live or die.

Second---If you have a problem, complaint, or see something that needs attention here in the building-----DON'T CALL ME- let Morris or Rachel know so they can report it. I can't be bothered with it. Of course, real emergencies whether I'm here or out shopping on company time should be reported to a manager. If you clog up a toilet, I definitely DO NOT want to hear about it.

Questions about the thermostats here on "A" side? I CAN'T AND WILL NOT ANSWER YOU. I will put my hands over my ears and make a humming sound if you try to ask me a question about the thermostats. Ask Steve, if he is sober, what you should and should not do as far as adjusting the thermostats. I REPEAT, DO NOT ASK ME ABOUT THE GODDAMN THERMOSTATS.

Yesterday - like most of you may have thought it was hot in herre (all week) but thankfully no one came to me to whine and complain so I did not report it. HA! Usually if someone says something about the temperature--I'll just ignore it anyway.

Thanks for your cooperation... losers.

Betty Jilson, IFD
555-4597 (DON'T CALL THIS NUMBER... I WILL NOT ANSWER)

Friday, 4/4/03 - Imagine, if you will...

Saddam Hussein is deep inside an underground bunker with his finger poised over a button. When all is lost... Baghdad has been invaded and captured by coalition forces and they're beating on the door just outside the room where Saddam is... he'll push that button which will set off nukes and obliterate Baghdad and most of the US ground forces. He doesn't care about his people and he will not allow himself to be captured so he has nothing to lose and will make sure that he takes as many people as he can with him.

After all, he promised a big surprise for the coalition forces tonight.

If this comes to be, I will be considered a majestic genius. If it doesn't happen, I'll have to settle to remain the ordinary genius that I am currently.

Wednesday, 4/2/03 - I wonder if those new Dockers khaki pants with Stain Defender™ can repel liquids from the inside of the pants as well?

Tuesday, 4/1/03 - I wish I had thought of this.

 

©2003, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire