A-Bomb Anniversary Day!
Join the fun in a pilgrimage to nearby Oak Ridge (The
Atomic City). Bring
your favorite anti-nuclear-weapons placard and stand in front of
a government facility for hours on end. What fun! Bring bail money
in case things get out of hand.
August 6.
Call 555-BOOM for more information.
Knoxville
Liars Convention and Educational
Workshop
The best (and worst) liars from across the land and beyond
the stars convene to compare skills and techniques. Special feature
is keynote address by former US President Bill Clinton, with appearances
by other famous liars such as Ted Kennedy, O.J. Simpson, and Mr.
(Fred) Rogers of PBS fame. Musical guest duo of Elvis Presley and
John Lennon, singing the hit they wrote and recorded "Who Let
the Dogs Out." Roswell UFO will be on display along with the
shrunken head of Mother Teresa..
August 8-10,
Knoxville Convention Center... or is happening somewhere else? Is
is happening at all? There's no telling... cause this kalendar notice
was written by a liar.
Feast
With the Beasts
No, this doesn't have anything to do with the city zoo...
it's the annual Lady Volunteers basketball team barbeque and picnic.
Watch Coach Pat Summitt catch and slaughter the main course with
her bare hands and teeth. She's one bad mamma jamma. I jive you
not, bro. Avoid eye contact with her.
August 17, 7-11 pm, Women's Basketball
Hall of Fame
Orang
You a Vol? Day
The University of Tennessee Volunteers football team
and staff treat the public for a preseason rally. Come meet the
players! Come meet their players' drug suppliers! There will be
a prayer calling on God in heaven to bless our boys with a winning
season, followed by a ceremony with the Alumni Club selling their
souls to Lucifer for the same purpose. Kids will enjoy the live
goat sacrifice. Also featured is a "rap" session where
fans can ask the players about the new season of Volunteer football.
Tutors will be present to assist the players with the big words
and help them finish their sentences! Come join the VolMania herd
for a day of mindless devotion!
No?
You're not coming? What kind of Christian are you? Commie Islamic
Jihad traitor. Face painting for the kids.
August 20,
Neyland Stadium
Bedwetting
Bonanza
Join the nation's top bedwetters at this annual bedwetting
fest! Learn new techniques and styles and latest bedwetting fashions
from Paris. Special workshop entitiled "Shame or Fame - Accepting
Your Talent." Bedsheet display and bedwetting competition twice
a day. Puppet show for the kids.
August 22-23,
Knoxville Convention Center
Memory
Walk
Enjoy a 5K walk and help raise funds for the Alzheimer's
Association, East Tennessee Chapter.
Enjoy
a 5K walk and help raise funds for the Alzheimer's Association,
East Tennessee Enjoy
a 5K walk and help raise funds for the Alzheimer's Association,
East Tennessee Chapter...
August
22, Volunteer Landing, August 22
Buddy
Walk
Come join in the fun as "Buddies" (Knoxville's
gay community) walk, skip, and sashay to find a cure for heterosexuality.
If you plan to just be an onlooker, please don't laugh and point...
they're serious about this thing.
August 17,
Third and Gill neighborhood
Race
for the Cure
The race for the elusive cure is on again! They almost
got it last year until the race frontrunners got their feet tangled
up and fell just yards shy of capturing the cure. Because of their
clumsiness, thousands of people suffered needlessly for one more
year. Let's get it together people and grab that sonofabitch cure
this year!
August 24, Morningside
Park
Hunt
for the Cure
Knoxville hunters suffering from Alzheimer's Disease
search the city streets for the cure. The cure for what? They can't
remember, but one thing they do know is that it's a damn good reason
to shoot up buildings downtown.
August 29, Downtown
Knoxville
Race
for the Hunt for Red October
Benefitting the Ronald McDonald Sunday Morning Hangover
Recovery House, Tom Clancy fans will enjoy a 20K race through downtown
Knoxville searching for a nuclear submarine commandeered by a renegade
Soviet captain... while at the same time avoiding gunfire from participants
of the Hunt for the Cure (see above).
August
29,
Downtown Knoxville
Mark
these events on your calendar! Please do!
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