"Oh, see how dat Sunsphere glow!"
Damn. Is it hot enough for you?

A-Bomb Anniversary Day!
Join the fun in a pilgrimage to nearby Oak Ridge (The Atomic City). Bring your favorite anti-nuclear-weapons placard and stand in front of a government facility for hours on end. What fun! Bring bail money in case things get out of hand.
August 6. Call 555-BOOM for more information.

Knoxville Liars Convention and Educational Workshop
The best (and worst) liars from across the land and beyond the stars convene to compare skills and techniques. Special feature is keynote address by former US President Bill Clinton, with appearances by other famous liars such as Ted Kennedy, O.J. Simpson, and Mr. (Fred) Rogers of PBS fame. Musical guest duo of Elvis Presley and John Lennon, singing the hit they wrote and recorded "Who Let the Dogs Out." Roswell UFO will be on display along with the shrunken head of Mother Teresa..
August 8-10, Knoxville Convention Center... or is happening somewhere else? Is is happening at all? There's no telling... cause this kalendar notice was written by a liar.

Feast With the Beasts
No, this doesn't have anything to do with the city zoo... it's the annual Lady Volunteers basketball team barbeque and picnic. Watch Coach Pat Summitt catch and slaughter the main course with her bare hands and teeth. She's one bad mamma jamma. I jive you not, bro. Avoid eye contact with her.
August 17, 7-11 pm, Women's Basketball Hall of Fame

Orang You a Vol? Day
The University of Tennessee Volunteers football team and staff treat the public for a preseason rally. Come meet the players! Come meet their players' drug suppliers! There will be a prayer calling on God in heaven to bless our boys with a winning season, followed by a ceremony with the Alumni Club selling their souls to Lucifer for the same purpose. Kids will enjoy the live goat sacrifice. Also featured is a "rap" session where fans can ask the players about the new season of Volunteer football. Tutors will be present to assist the players with the big words and help them finish their sentences! Come join the VolMania herd for a day of mindless devotion!

No? You're not coming? What kind of Christian are you? Commie Islamic Jihad traitor. Face painting for the kids.
August 20, Neyland Stadium

Bedwetting Bonanza
Join the nation's top bedwetters at this annual bedwetting fest! Learn new techniques and styles and latest bedwetting fashions from Paris. Special workshop entitiled "Shame or Fame - Accepting Your Talent." Bedsheet display and bedwetting competition twice a day. Puppet show for the kids.
August 22-23, Knoxville Convention Center

Memory Walk
Enjoy a 5K walk and help raise funds for the Alzheimer's Association, East Tennessee Chapter. Enjoy a 5K walk and help raise funds for the Alzheimer's Association, East Tennessee Enjoy a 5K walk and help raise funds for the Alzheimer's Association, East Tennessee Chapter...
August 22, Volunteer Landing, August 22

Buddy Walk
Come join in the fun as "Buddies" (Knoxville's gay community) walk, skip, and sashay to find a cure for heterosexuality. If you plan to just be an onlooker, please don't laugh and point... they're serious about this thing.
August 17, Third and Gill neighborhood

Race for the Cure
The race for the elusive cure is on again! They almost got it last year until the race frontrunners got their feet tangled up and fell just yards shy of capturing the cure. Because of their clumsiness, thousands of people suffered needlessly for one more year. Let's get it together people and grab that sonofabitch cure this year!
August 24, Morningside Park

Hunt for the Cure
Knoxville hunters suffering from Alzheimer's Disease search the city streets for the cure. The cure for what? They can't remember, but one thing they do know is that it's a damn good reason to shoot up buildings downtown.
August 29, Downtown Knoxville

Race for the Hunt for Red October
Benefitting the Ronald McDonald Sunday Morning Hangover Recovery House, Tom Clancy fans will enjoy a 20K race through downtown Knoxville searching for a nuclear submarine commandeered by a renegade Soviet captain... while at the same time avoiding gunfire from participants of the Hunt for the Cure (see above).
August 29, Downtown Knoxville

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