was cleaning out a drawer in my dresser yesterday and found a journal
with this little story written back in 1977 when I was 17 or 18.
It's verbatim, so any misspellings are original ones. With it is
a photo of how I looked back then...
AND TODAY'S MODERN BEEF JERKEY
as told to Johnny Sheen
(Jan. 24, 1965, Thursday)
Have you ever noticed that when fat nuns get on an elevator,
they always take off their shoes, set their undergarments
ablaze and start humming the English version of the famed
Dutch opera; "Flau Deux Le Poo" or translated means;
"The Tears of a Hair Cleft." This is a very aggravating
ritual practiced by today's modern Catholic church, or as
they like to call themselves: "CATHOLICS" (cãthölicks).
Catholic rite performed at mass every Sunday right before
collection time is a re-enactment of Hank Aaron's first trip
to Cleveland. After this highly dramatic moment, funds are
collected for the "Kill the Blind" movement, or
NWY as it is affectionately known as.
first personal encounter with the Catholic faith was "Career
Day" at our high school. I became enraged upon seeing
a nun savagely picking her nose with a shoe horn. In a glorious
spasm of courage, I heartlessly tossed her down 11 flights
of stairs which is strange for a school with only 2 flights
of stairs. Upon reaching the bottom, I found this slut turning
blue while her neck was in a most amusing manner. She was
cursing me in Latin, saying; "Ex Libre el Toro mi padre
poo se llama, por favor. Eh?" Before
she passed away she asked me if I need an oil filter for my
disposing of the corpse at a nun recycling plant, I promptly
went to Dr. Tim and had her curse translated. The English
meaning is; "Thou hath five fur-ball farts with mayonaise
for your tired dust covers with lobes so tight that she goes
forth, thank you please. I like."
have regretted my actions on that fateful day and constantly
live in terror, for the ghost of that nun haunts me every
concious moment of my existance, whispering the words "Ozone
ticket" into my quivering toenail clippings.
know, there's nothing quite like a quick, clean bowel movement.
A big solid dump with no complications... no hanger-ons, and a minimum
of wiping (if any). You may be gawking at that statement, but as
a human being you know it's true.
does anybody else do this?... wave bye-bye to your dung as you're
flushing it? No? Well, I guess that's just me, then.
you hold the door open for a stranger, why do they always reach
out and touch the door anyway as if they don't trust you and think
you're going to slam it on them?
A New and (much) Improved
board has just recently been set up. Go there and join the zany
you want a laugh or two, watch the new show on ABC with the ominous
title of The
Chair. Ooh... scary sounding, eh? This is the most ridiculous
TV game show I have ever seen. Contestants answer questions for
money, but they don't try to beat the clock or defeat each other...
they're competing against their own heartbeat. Long story. At certain
parts of the show, the participants are hit with a "heart stopper"...
which is a combination of startling effects designed to raise their
heart rate and therefore cost them some of the money that they've
earned. Heart stopper example: large bursts of fire shoot out around
the perimeter of "the chair's" stage while a really stupid
pendulum comes down and swings back and forth perilously close to
the contestant (they even have mounted a "pendulum-cam"
on the thing), while sword-wielding ninja circus clown midgets fall
to their deaths, screaming in Italian, from the rafters into the
"heart-stopper" gimmick reminds me of a classic horror
movie titled Chamber
of Horrors, made back in the mid-60s. In this movie, when
something scary was about to happen you were warned ahead of time
by the "fear flasher" and the "horror horn,"
two cinematic gimmicks that just never caught on and came off as
guess who hosts The Chair? For some bizarre reason John McEnroe
is the emcee. John McEnroe... the tennis champeen? Wow, John, they
must have some real heavy-duty blackmail-worthy dirt on you.
been watching episodes of MTV cribs, where musical celebrities invite
(or allow) film crews into their homes and conduct guided tours
through their abodes. One thing I can tell you... for the crappy
"music" some of these hacks put out, they surely don't
deserve their money or these mansions. Most of the time when the
tour arrives at the bedroom, the (male) celebrities most often say
"This is where I make magic." Uh huh... sure you do.
tour almost always ends the same way: "Thanks for coming by,
MTV. I hope you enjoyed my home but now it's time for you to get
the hell out. Aiiiiiight?" Yeah, we're so lucky you took time
out of your busy day (consisting of drinking yourself into a stupor
with your freeloading posse) to let us take a look around.
I saw a cop talking on a cell phone while driving his patrol car.
Isn't that... uh... um... considered a no-no? Nice example you're
setting there, lawman.
This past weekend I was cleaning out a drawer and came across my
old glasses from when I was a kid. My daughter tried them on and
I noticed a resemblance to a certain character...
my daughter on the left.)
she did look like him in person. Sorry, that's all I got for today.
I'm tired now and I'm going to bed.
And I thought my King of Kings photo might have been touchy......
Straight from Landover
Baptist Church, meet Betty Bowers, "America's Best Christian."
Go to her site and find out What
Would Betty Do ("So close to Jesus, He brings people back
from the dead just so I can have the last word."). Needless
to say, this is NOT a site for persons overly sensitive about religion.
(Thanks to Bridgett for her e-mail with a link to this site.)
enough concerning that subject area.
night, I watched a little bit of the Roots 25th Anniversary Special.
Which reminds me... I remember being in the presence of Roots author
Alex Haley once. It was back about 15 years ago when I was married
and took my wife out for dinner for our wedding anniversary (Alex
Haley had a home in the East TN area). Evidently, Mr. Haley had
just come in right before us. My wife and I walked into the restaurant,
approached the maitre d' at his podium, and had the following exchange:
Could I have a table for two for dinner?
d' (in a very excited tone of voice):
Um... what? A table... huh? Oh, I'm sorry... I'm just so excited...
I just met Alex Haley (swoon)...
Uh... yeah. Could I have a table for two?
wife and I proceeded to have dinner at a table near the Pulitzer
Prize-winning author. Where I was seated, I had my back to Haley
and his two female dinner companions. But I do remember having to
endure countless people passing by me to go to his table to meet
him. Also, a magician happened to be on hand to entertain him. It
was our anniversary and we didn't get no damn magician.
more thing I remember... Alex Haley carried a purse. I kid you not.
some of the "Olympic Champion" themed Who Wants to Be
a Millionaire Thursday night. Man, Bruce Jenner is one disturbing
looking guy, like an off-duty drag queen. He needs to grow a mustache
or beard... or something... to reinforce his appearance of masculinity.
Dude looks like a lady.
While we're still (sort of) on the subject of religion...
Recently, I found these 4 or 5-year old polaroids (taken of me by
a coworker) in my desk drawer at work. My office is located in a
building that contains an auditorium. On Sundays, the auditorium
is used by a congregation for church services. This is what happens
when the churchgoers absent-mindedly leave behind one of their banners...
nothing really bad has happened to me yet...
When I flip through the TV channels, sometimes I run across this
ditzy broad on the Trinity Broadcasting Network...
televangelist looks like an unfortunate mixture of Tammy Faye Baker,
Dyan Cannon, and Miss Piggy. I can't believe this hussy with her
clown-like appearance (she even has pink hair) is allowed to be
on television to spread The Word of God. I once saw her addressing
an arena full of dumbfounded Russians who were obviously confused
by her Beyond the Valley of the Dolls hairstyle. Hasn't anyone told
her that she looks like an idiot? It's enough to drive a person
to Satan worship.
Since Tennessee is lottery-less, I traveled northward to Kentucky
on Saturday and purchased lottery
tickets ... the first time I have done so. I checked the drawing
that was held that night and found that I matched one number and
won a whopping $3. The tickets are good for multiple drawings until
next month, so I guess I can be patient for all the millions to
come my way. If I do win millions, I'm thinking of donating a chunk
of it to my favorite charity - The Tennessee Halfway House for Unwed
of unwed midgets, I saw Lord of the Rings on Saturday night. Whew!
What a LONG movie. I haven't read the books and I'm not a big fantasy
fan when it comes to dwarves, elves, and hobbits, so I barely made
it through the film. I probably wouldn't have gone on my own, but
I went with friends via their invitation. If it
doesn't have machine guns and topless broads in it, you can usually
count me out.
What were they thinking??!!!
Like the Michael Jordan
Hanes commercial, there's a new TV advertisement out with homosexual
overtones. Makes you wonder what advertising agency geniuses are
thinking when they pitch these ideas to their clients. I'm talking
about the Clay Henry/fireman TV spot for Subway restaurants. The
commercial has this fireman (Clay Henry) who was inspired by Jared,
the restaurant chain's poster boy, to lose weight by eating at Subway.
The commercial shows this guy donning his firefighting gear and
underneath the hook where his coat was hanging is (gay hint #1)
a picture of Jared. Plus, there are (gay hint #2) singing firemen
in the background. They sing a "Clay Henry" song. At the
end of the commercial, Jared and Clay Henry are shown sitting and
chatting at a table together (gay hint #3) while a group of firemen
serenade them (gay hint #4).
was watching a rebroadcast of The American Music Awards last night
and watched the country duo of Brooks and Dunn perform. They looked
strangely familiar. I got to thinking... hmmm... a couple of guys
performing side by side where one guy always monopolizes and sings
lead where the other guy (his sidekick?) just sings chorus, dances
and spins about with a guitar, and never really contributes anything
substantial? Looked like the country version of Hall and Oates to
me. There have been other duos in the past with this formula such
Dan and John Ford Coley, Wham!, Seals and Crofts, Loggins and Messina,
plus others I'm sure.
Today a couple of coworkers and I went to lunch and tried out a
new German restaurant. There was a large group of elderly gentlemen
at a table behind me. They were loud talkers. At the end of our
meal as we were waiting on the check, I proposed that we have a
sing-along like I have seen Germans in beerhalls perform in movies.
I started it up (in a normal tone and volume of voice) with German
words I knew such as Volkswagen, gesundheit, der Kommissar, Deutschland,
achtung, weiner schnitzel, among others. Of course, I don't know
the language and was just throwing these words in at random. Susan,
one of my coworkers, gives me this weird look and tells me to stop,
which baffled me. I do some rude stuff sometimes, but this was nothing.
she told me that, unbeknownst to me, the group of older men behind
me were turning to look at me with scowling faces and she was trying
to nip my song in the bud before a possible "incident"
might occur. What the hell?!!! These guys were bumpkins from what
I heard of them. Was I somehow insulting Der Fatherland?
like this annoy me. I have no use for dullards who, in this case,
talk as loud as they want regardless of other diners and then turn
right around and disapprove of ANYTHING remotely "unusual"
from someone else, even if it's an innocent nonsense song meant
with no ill will at all. Bizarre. Screw 'em if they can't take a
it's kind of funny knowing that I made them mad.
In this week's issue of Knoxville's popular alternative newspaper
Metro Pulse, an interesting
article on a certain group of people who we all experience from
time to time.
I took this photo of a sticker on a mini-van in front of me while
stopped at a traffic light on my way to work yesterday...
AND PROUD with a cartoon head with a halo above it? Am I to understand
this to mean that Americans are pure, holy, innocent, and can do
no wrong? I'm not so sure about that. I'm glad to be an American,
but we've done our share of some pretty bad stuff during our history.
Here's a picture I took on New Year's Eve. The frozen pond gives
you an idea of how cold it was here in East Tennessee...
you can see from this candid rehearsal shot, Oak Ridge, TN is the
home of the training camp for Disney's®
Geese On Ice. Come spring, these talented performers will launch
their world tour of this magnificent production. Be on the watch...
they may just come to your town.
It seems that the worst drivers on the road today are the ones with
those little American flags flapping from their windows. And you
can multiply their bad driving by two if they also have an orange
"T" flag as well (those flags are the pride
and joy of University of Tennessee football fans, for those of you
reading outside of Big Orange Country).
went to the grocery store Saturday evening to get some eggs and
strawberry twizzlers (no, not a bizarre omelet recipe... just two
items for separate consumption) and I couldn't believe the crowd
there. Every time snow is predicted for Knoxville, everyone runs
in a panic to the supermarkets like scared little squirrels. They're
stupid. I live less than half a mile away from a store and can slide
my car in there or walk if I'm desperate enough. The snow did come
early Sunday morning, but only turned out to be a very wet slushy
one... which, incidentally, is the same condition I found my shorts
in when I woke up yesterday.
A week ago today, I had dinner with Christopher
Shields and his wife Cindy. This was unique because it's the
first time I have met someone face to face due directly to the web
and my site. Christopher is a great guy, very funny and clever,
but has a few quirks... but don't we all? The conversation over
dinner was friendly and interesting... I say interesting because
sometimes he would stop in mid-sentence and his eyes would become
fixed and glassy. At first I thought he was trying to suppress a
bowel movement until I realized he was receiving messages from outer
space... or Mississippi (what's the difference?).
His headgear should have tipped me off from the start...
and Shields... a deadly combination.
Yes, you're in the right place. I've redesigned the look of The
(almost) Daily Comment. On the left, you'll notice a sidebar that
will contain some extra tidbits to entertain you. This is still
being developed currently, so it looks embarrassingly stark at the
moment. I just wanted to get something up ASAP for the new year.
Stay tuned for more content in that area. And... HAPPY NEW YEAR!