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Wednesday, 1/30/02 - I was cleaning out a drawer in my dresser yesterday and found a journal with this little story written back in 1977 when I was 17 or 18. It's verbatim, so any misspellings are original ones. With it is a photo of how I looked back then...

as told to Johnny Sheen
(Jan. 24, 1965, Thursday)

Have you ever noticed that when fat nuns get on an elevator, they always take off their shoes, set their undergarments ablaze and start humming the English version of the famed Dutch opera; "Flau Deux Le Poo" or translated means; "The Tears of a Hair Cleft." This is a very aggravating ritual practiced by today's modern Catholic church, or as they like to call themselves: "CATHOLICS" (cãth•ö•licks).

Another Catholic rite performed at mass every Sunday right before collection time is a re-enactment of Hank Aaron's first trip to Cleveland. After this highly dramatic moment, funds are collected for the "Kill the Blind" movement, or NWY as it is affectionately known as.

My first personal encounter with the Catholic faith was "Career Day" at our high school. I became enraged upon seeing a nun savagely picking her nose with a shoe horn. In a glorious spasm of courage, I heartlessly tossed her down 11 flights of stairs which is strange for a school with only 2 flights of stairs. Upon reaching the bottom, I found this slut turning blue while her neck was in a most amusing manner. She was cursing me in Latin, saying; "Ex Libre el Toro mi padre poo se llama, por favor. Eh?" Before she passed away she asked me if I need an oil filter for my pencils.

After disposing of the corpse at a nun recycling plant, I promptly went to Dr. Tim and had her curse translated. The English meaning is; "Thou hath five fur-ball farts with mayonaise for your tired dust covers with lobes so tight that she goes forth, thank you please. I like."

I have regretted my actions on that fateful day and constantly live in terror, for the ghost of that nun haunts me every concious moment of my existance, whispering the words "Ozone ticket" into my quivering toenail clippings.

Monday, 1/28/02 - You know, there's nothing quite like a quick, clean bowel movement. A big solid dump with no complications... no hanger-ons, and a minimum of wiping (if any). You may be gawking at that statement, but as a human being you know it's true.

And... does anybody else do this?... wave bye-bye to your dung as you're flushing it? No? Well, I guess that's just me, then.

When you hold the door open for a stranger, why do they always reach out and touch the door anyway as if they don't trust you and think you're going to slam it on them?

Wednesday, 1/23/02 - A New and (much) Improved message board has just recently been set up. Go there and join the zany fun.

If you want a laugh or two, watch the new show on ABC with the ominous title of The Chair. Ooh... scary sounding, eh? This is the most ridiculous TV game show I have ever seen. Contestants answer questions for money, but they don't try to beat the clock or defeat each other... they're competing against their own heartbeat. Long story. At certain parts of the show, the participants are hit with a "heart stopper"... which is a combination of startling effects designed to raise their heart rate and therefore cost them some of the money that they've earned. Heart stopper example: large bursts of fire shoot out around the perimeter of "the chair's" stage while a really stupid pendulum comes down and swings back and forth perilously close to the contestant (they even have mounted a "pendulum-cam" on the thing), while sword-wielding ninja circus clown midgets fall to their deaths, screaming in Italian, from the rafters into the fires.

The "heart-stopper" gimmick reminds me of a classic horror movie titled Chamber of Horrors, made back in the mid-60s. In this movie, when something scary was about to happen you were warned ahead of time by the "fear flasher" and the "horror horn," two cinematic gimmicks that just never caught on and came off as laughable.

Anyhoo, guess who hosts The Chair? For some bizarre reason John McEnroe is the emcee. John McEnroe... the tennis champeen? Wow, John, they must have some real heavy-duty blackmail-worthy dirt on you.

I've been watching episodes of MTV cribs, where musical celebrities invite (or allow) film crews into their homes and conduct guided tours through their abodes. One thing I can tell you... for the crappy "music" some of these hacks put out, they surely don't deserve their money or these mansions. Most of the time when the tour arrives at the bedroom, the (male) celebrities most often say "This is where I make magic." Uh huh... sure you do.

The tour almost always ends the same way: "Thanks for coming by, MTV. I hope you enjoyed my home but now it's time for you to get the hell out. Aiiiiiight?" Yeah, we're so lucky you took time out of your busy day (consisting of drinking yourself into a stupor with your freeloading posse) to let us take a look around.

Today, I saw a cop talking on a cell phone while driving his patrol car. Isn't that... uh... um... considered a no-no? Nice example you're setting there, lawman.

Tuesday, 1/22/02 - This past weekend I was cleaning out a drawer and came across my old glasses from when I was a kid. My daughter tried them on and I noticed a resemblance to a certain character...

"Party on, Ashley." "Party on, Garth."

(That's my daughter on the left.)

Well, she did look like him in person. Sorry, that's all I got for today. I'm tired now and I'm going to bed.

Saturday, 1/19/02 - And I thought my King of Kings photo might have been touchy......
Straight from Landover Baptist Church, meet Betty Bowers, "America's Best Christian." Go to her site and find out What Would Betty Do ("So close to Jesus, He brings people back from the dead just so I can have the last word."). Needless to say, this is NOT a site for persons overly sensitive about religion. (Thanks to Bridgett for her e-mail with a link to this site.)

OK, enough concerning that subject area.

Last night, I watched a little bit of the Roots 25th Anniversary Special. Which reminds me... I remember being in the presence of Roots author Alex Haley once. It was back about 15 years ago when I was married and took my wife out for dinner for our wedding anniversary (Alex Haley had a home in the East TN area). Evidently, Mr. Haley had just come in right before us. My wife and I walked into the restaurant, approached the maitre d' at his podium, and had the following exchange:

Me: Could I have a table for two for dinner?

Maitre d' (in a very excited tone of voice): Um... what? A table... huh? Oh, I'm sorry... I'm just so excited... I just met Alex Haley (swoon)...

Me: Uh... yeah. Could I have a table for two?

The wife and I proceeded to have dinner at a table near the Pulitzer Prize-winning author. Where I was seated, I had my back to Haley and his two female dinner companions. But I do remember having to endure countless people passing by me to go to his table to meet him. Also, a magician happened to be on hand to entertain him. It was our anniversary and we didn't get no damn magician.

One more thing I remember... Alex Haley carried a purse. I kid you not.

Saw some of the "Olympic Champion" themed Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Thursday night. Man, Bruce Jenner is one disturbing looking guy, like an off-duty drag queen. He needs to grow a mustache or beard... or something... to reinforce his appearance of masculinity. Dude looks like a lady.

Thursday, 1/17/02 - While we're still (sort of) on the subject of religion...
Recently, I found these 4 or 5-year old polaroids (taken of me by a coworker) in my desk drawer at work. My office is located in a building that contains an auditorium. On Sundays, the auditorium is used by a congregation for church services. This is what happens when the churchgoers absent-mindedly leave behind one of their banners...

Well, nothing really bad has happened to me yet...

Wednesday, 1/16/02 - When I flip through the TV channels, sometimes I run across this ditzy broad on the Trinity Broadcasting Network...

This televangelist looks like an unfortunate mixture of Tammy Faye Baker, Dyan Cannon, and Miss Piggy. I can't believe this hussy with her clown-like appearance (she even has pink hair) is allowed to be on television to spread The Word of God. I once saw her addressing an arena full of dumbfounded Russians who were obviously confused by her Beyond the Valley of the Dolls hairstyle. Hasn't anyone told her that she looks like an idiot? It's enough to drive a person to Satan worship.

Monday, 1/14/02 - Since Tennessee is lottery-less, I traveled northward to Kentucky on Saturday and purchased lottery tickets ... the first time I have done so. I checked the drawing that was held that night and found that I matched one number and won a whopping $3. The tickets are good for multiple drawings until next month, so I guess I can be patient for all the millions to come my way. If I do win millions, I'm thinking of donating a chunk of it to my favorite charity - The Tennessee Halfway House for Unwed Midgets (THHUM).

Speaking of unwed midgets, I saw Lord of the Rings on Saturday night. Whew! What a LONG movie. I haven't read the books and I'm not a big fantasy fan when it comes to dwarves, elves, and hobbits, so I barely made it through the film. I probably wouldn't have gone on my own, but I went with friends via their invitation. If it doesn't have machine guns and topless broads in it, you can usually count me out.

Saturday, 1/12/02 - What were they thinking??!!!
Like the Michael Jordan Hanes commercial, there's a new TV advertisement out with homosexual overtones. Makes you wonder what advertising agency geniuses are thinking when they pitch these ideas to their clients. I'm talking about the Clay Henry/fireman TV spot for Subway restaurants. The commercial has this fireman (Clay Henry) who was inspired by Jared, the restaurant chain's poster boy, to lose weight by eating at Subway. The commercial shows this guy donning his firefighting gear and underneath the hook where his coat was hanging is (gay hint #1) a picture of Jared. Plus, there are (gay hint #2) singing firemen in the background. They sing a "Clay Henry" song. At the end of the commercial, Jared and Clay Henry are shown sitting and chatting at a table together (gay hint #3) while a group of firemen serenade them (gay hint #4).

I was watching a rebroadcast of The American Music Awards last night and watched the country duo of Brooks and Dunn perform. They looked strangely familiar. I got to thinking... hmmm... a couple of guys performing side by side where one guy always monopolizes and sings lead where the other guy (his sidekick?) just sings chorus, dances and spins about with a guitar, and never really contributes anything substantial? Looked like the country version of Hall and Oates to me. There have been other duos in the past with this formula such as: England Dan and John Ford Coley, Wham!, Seals and Crofts, Loggins and Messina, plus others I'm sure.

Friday, 1/11/02 - Today a couple of coworkers and I went to lunch and tried out a new German restaurant. There was a large group of elderly gentlemen at a table behind me. They were loud talkers. At the end of our meal as we were waiting on the check, I proposed that we have a sing-along like I have seen Germans in beerhalls perform in movies. I started it up (in a normal tone and volume of voice) with German words I knew such as Volkswagen, gesundheit, der Kommissar, Deutschland, achtung, weiner schnitzel, among others. Of course, I don't know the language and was just throwing these words in at random. Susan, one of my coworkers, gives me this weird look and tells me to stop, which baffled me. I do some rude stuff sometimes, but this was nothing.

Later she told me that, unbeknownst to me, the group of older men behind me were turning to look at me with scowling faces and she was trying to nip my song in the bud before a possible "incident" might occur. What the hell?!!! These guys were bumpkins from what I heard of them. Was I somehow insulting Der Fatherland?

People like this annoy me. I have no use for dullards who, in this case, talk as loud as they want regardless of other diners and then turn right around and disapprove of ANYTHING remotely "unusual" from someone else, even if it's an innocent nonsense song meant with no ill will at all. Bizarre. Screw 'em if they can't take a joke.

But it's kind of funny knowing that I made them mad.

Thursday, 1/10/02 - In this week's issue of Knoxville's popular alternative newspaper Metro Pulse, an interesting article on a certain group of people who we all experience from time to time.

Wednesday, 1/09/02 - I took this photo of a sticker on a mini-van in front of me while stopped at a traffic light on my way to work yesterday...

AMERICAN AND PROUD with a cartoon head with a halo above it? Am I to understand this to mean that Americans are pure, holy, innocent, and can do no wrong? I'm not so sure about that. I'm glad to be an American, but we've done our share of some pretty bad stuff during our history.

Tuesday, 1/08/02 - Here's a picture I took on New Year's Eve. The frozen pond gives you an idea of how cold it was here in East Tennessee...

"OK, on four... ONE and a TWO and a THREE and a... HIT IT!!!"

As you can see from this candid rehearsal shot, Oak Ridge, TN is the home of the training camp for Disney's® Geese On Ice. Come spring, these talented performers will launch their world tour of this magnificent production. Be on the watch... they may just come to your town.

Monday, 1/07/02 - It seems that the worst drivers on the road today are the ones with those little American flags flapping from their windows. And you can multiply their bad driving by two if they also have an orange "T" flag as well (those flags are the pride and joy of University of Tennessee football fans, for those of you reading outside of Big Orange Country).

I went to the grocery store Saturday evening to get some eggs and strawberry twizzlers (no, not a bizarre omelet recipe... just two items for separate consumption) and I couldn't believe the crowd there. Every time snow is predicted for Knoxville, everyone runs in a panic to the supermarkets like scared little squirrels. They're stupid. I live less than half a mile away from a store and can slide my car in there or walk if I'm desperate enough. The snow did come early Sunday morning, but only turned out to be a very wet slushy one... which, incidentally, is the same condition I found my shorts in when I woke up yesterday.

Thursday, 1/03/02 - A week ago today, I had dinner with Christopher Shields and his wife Cindy. This was unique because it's the first time I have met someone face to face due directly to the web and my site. Christopher is a great guy, very funny and clever, but has a few quirks... but don't we all? The conversation over dinner was friendly and interesting... I say interesting because sometimes he would stop in mid-sentence and his eyes would become fixed and glassy. At first I thought he was trying to suppress a bowel movement until I realized he was receiving messages from outer space... or Mississippi (what's the difference?). His headgear should have tipped me off from the start...

"Message received, Der Komissar."

Longmire and Shields... a deadly combination.

Wednesday, 1/02/02 - Yes, you're in the right place. I've redesigned the look of The (almost) Daily Comment. On the left, you'll notice a sidebar that will contain some extra tidbits to entertain you. This is still being developed currently, so it looks embarrassingly stark at the moment. I just wanted to get something up ASAP for the new year. Stay tuned for more content in that area. And... HAPPY NEW YEAR!