"Oh, see how dat Sunsphere glow!"
Have a great Halloween, ya stinkin' freaks!

Knoxville's finest gays swirl, dance, and skip to show tunes along the riverfront in a big sweaty celebration of the arrival of Autumn. Free hot dogs and facepainting for gay kids!
October 7, 10 am - 6 pm, Riverfront Park

3rd Annual Lovetouch Celebration
Mayor Victor Ashe and the Knoxville City Council host an "open house" for teens for a look at what goes on behind the scenes in Knoxville government.
October 14, 1pm - 7 pm, City-County Building

Breaking and Entering Breakfast
The Knoxville Sertoma Club hosts a breakfast honoring the awardees of the recent "Best Burglars in Knoxville" competition. The public is invited to attend to honor the award recipients and identify stolen goods.
October 3, 7 am, Shoney's on Western Avenue

Survivor Knoxville
The popular show comes to Knoxville as tribes are formed to inhabit condemned residences in crime-ridden neighborhoods. Featured competitions among the tribes include drive-by spearings, wino toss, "jungle" lore trivia, arson free-for-all, and blood donation relay races.
October 9 - 13

Friday the 13th Riverboat Cruise
Don't miss this thrills 'n chills ride as maniac killers run rampant aboard Knoxville's premier riverboat, The Star of Knoxville, as it makes its way down the beautiful Tennessee River. After the crew is systematically decapitated, you can test your skills at riverboat piloting.
October 13, 7 pm - 11 pm, sponsored by the Greater Knoxville Chamber of Horrors

Mother and Child Hollerin' and Slappin' Contest
All-day event, every day, at all area WalMarts

Stop, Drop, and Roll Hayride
It will be a hot time in the old town tonight! Invite your family and friends along for a flaming hayride through the Old City. Survivors will enjoy free Dalmation burgers, compliments of the Animal Shelter Barbeque (see below), and coupons good toward one free skin graft, compliments of St. Mary's Hospital.
October 20, 6 pm - 10 pm, sponsored by the Knox County Volunteer Fire Department

Bean Bonanza and Fart Festival
Sample the best pinto beans recipes Knoxville has to offer. Pooting contest starts at 11 pm. Bring an extra pair of britches.
October 21, 6 pm - Midnight, Market Square Mall

Knoxville Animal Shelter Annual Barbeque
We believe that this event is self-explanatory. Free admission, but a $5 donation is suggested.
October 21, 11 am - 3 pm, sponsored by the Knoxville Optimist Club

The Knoxville Elite Banquet and Dance
By exclusive invitation only. This is only mentioned here to remind the general public that we are more educated, richer, prettier, and better than you... and always will be. We'll let you know who attended, what they wore, and detailed descriptions of our extravagantly expensive jewelry in the "People and Parties" column in the Sunday issue of the Knoxville News Sentinel.
October 21, 8 pm - whenever we have finished schmoozing, Cherokee Country Club
(All proceeds, crumbs, and table scraps from this banquet will be donated to various area charities to make us feel noble and proud of ourselves in our insincere, self-serving effort of helping you lowlifes.)

Halloween Ho-Down
City of Knoxville officials show their appreciation of Knoxville's finest entrepreneurs of "the world's oldest profession" in the form of a rock-and-rollicking Halloween gala that features pumpkin pie mush wrestling, bobbing for condoms, treats-for-tricks, pin-the-cash-on-the-nightstand game, and ho beatings by Knoxville's fanciest pimp daddies. Special appearance by UT football coach Phillip Fulmer as "Mr. Big-Ass Pumpkin Belly."
October 28, 10 pm - 3 am, Knoxville Civic Coliseum

Booze at the Zoo
Bring the kids for an action-packed zoo safari as drunken animal handlers release Halloween-costumed lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!), and other predators, in a free-for-all romp through the zoo. See how much hidden candy you can find before the animals find you!
October 28, 6 pm - 11 pm, Knoxville Zoo, sponsored by Waffle House

Annual Undead Dinner and Dance
Dance to the tunes of the Knoxville-based band, the Judybats, as Knoxville's vampire community, the Society of Undead Concerned Knoxvillians (SUCK), holds their annual get-together. Following a buffet dinner, there will be a panel discussion regarding strategy for the year 2003 membership drive. Admission is free and the general public is urged to attend.
October 31, 7 pm - dawn, Knoxville Civic Auditorium Ballroom

20th Annual Let's-Blow-Up-The-Sunsphere Event
A yearly event since the World's Fair was held in Knoxville in 1982, the Sunsphere Hater's Club will once again use explosives in yet another attempt to bring down the seemingly indestructable phallic symbol. Let's wish them luck this time!
October 31, all-day event, World's Fair Park

Mark these events on your calendar! Please do!


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