The WeatherPixie

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Tuesday, 12/30/03 - Man, am I behind on everything. Not just on this here web site, but in real life as well. The holidays have made me lazy... and sleepy as well. I'll try my best to catch up...

A few days ago, I tried my best to have a nice lunch with a friend. I say "tried" because another person sabotaged the whole thing.

We were dining at Applebee's during our lunch hour when an extremely loud woman kept laughing at the top of her lungs. I know you've probably had this problem before, too. But the volume of this woman was incredible. My ears have a very low physical threshold for shrill noises, and my temper has an even lower threshold for preventable loud noises. If a noise occurs that is unpreventable or is accidental, I can overlook it somewhat, but when someone or something caused by someone is unnecessarily loud on purpose, I lose my cool.

Now, this woman was at a nearby table with female friends, laughing her freakin' head off every 5 minutes at 3500 decibels per shriek, and I can't possibly imagine what could possibly be so damn funny (other than her being drunk) to elicit these ear-piercing blasts that made me constantly jump out of my skin. I also couldn't imagine that no one had ever told this woman that she's just too damn loud for this earth. And how could she possibly have any friends, let alone any non-deaf ones? It was so bad that, judging from the looks and grimaces of other diners, her behavior was disrupting the whole restaurant.

I mentioned the problem to the waitress (and I rarely complain about anything at a restaurant... I don't even send food back) and she said that she had other complaints about it and was going to have the manager talk to her. Well, that didn't ever happen. More on that a little later.

Finally a break came when the screamer's food arrived and there was a peaceful lull as she fed her ugly fat pie-hole face. If she had choked during her meal, I guarantee you that no one present, not even lunching uniformed paramedics, would have assisted her... other than with a cheer and standing ovation.

Just as my nerves had settled down, the nightmare reoccurred and was followed by more chaos on top of that... the clapping and singing "Happy Birthday" restaurant crew arrived to contribute more noise and the woman laughed even harder to be heard over them. And that was why the manager never said anything to her... he/she didn't want to piss off the birthday table.

It's a very fortunate thing that I'm not a violent man and/or don't own or carry a gun, because I would have not hesitated to fire a round into that howler monkey's neck. The next time I have a situation like this, and as sure as God made idiots there will be a next time, I'm going to protest directly to the screamer and probably either become a hero to everyone or make an ass out of myself.

Yeah, right... I probably won't do anything but grumble. But maybe I should have earplugs handy every time I dine out.

From the "I guess you had to be there" files...

The day after Christmas, my girlfriend and I were driving down Kingston Pike... the most traffic heavy, retail store laden, busiest street in Knoxville. We stopped at a red light right next to a Shoney's restaurant where a guy was on a ladder changing the sign, in the process of spelling the word "MEAT LOAF."

Right next to us at the light, a fellow in a carload of smartasses yelled out to him, "Hey, when's Meat Loaf playing?" The sign guy turned to look at them and they yelled it again. Brenda and I burst out laughing along with the car in front and behind us, and of course the carload that originated the remark were busy laughing too.

You see, in case you didn't get it, the jokester made it seem like it was a theater marquee and the singer Meat Loaf was to appear live at Shoney's to perform and...

Uh, right... um.... like I said... I guess you had to be there. It's still funny, though.

Tuesday, 12/23/03 - I've been invited over to my boss's house on Christmas Eve for dinner. I took it upon myself to plan the agenda. I know you don't know them or the other people coming, and most of this info is inside jokes, but keep in mind that Mark (I know, same name as mine) is my boss, Lucy is his wife, Daisy is their dog (Black Labrador), and "Christmas Vacation" is the annual movie we've watched for quite a few of these get-togethers...


Lucy hoses Mark down on the patio, dries him with leaf blower.

After a brief struggle, Lucy succeeds in getting clean underwear on Mark and dresses him in new Christmas outfit purchased at Big Lots.
Lucy extinguishes flames from overcooked ham. Lucy calls neighbors looking for Mark, who has wandered off again.
Police return Mark after he has discarded his clothes in park.
After a brief struggle, Lucy succeeds in redressing Mark, places him in time out.
Invited guests arrive.
Brian arrives.
Drinks served.
Moment of silence is observed in memory of Brian.
Moment of awkward silence when it is noticed that Brian is in the room.
Mark proudly enters room with videotape of "Christmas Vacation."
Videotape of "Christmas Vacation" thrown through window into street.
Invited guests take turns running over videotape of "Christmas Vacation" in their respective automobiles.
Tow truck called when Susan's Mini Cooper gets stuck, straddled on "Christmas Vacation" videotape.
Longmire's exploding mistletoe detonates prematurely in pants.
Longmire extracts singed panty shield from front of pants. Makes decorative table centerpiece of it.
Daisy attacks Susan.
Susan's attorney arrives.
Mark's unexpectedly bursts into living room on motorcycle, popping wheelie, runs down Susan's attorney.
Susan's attorney's attorney arrives.
Brian caught going through Lucy's underthings.
Al absent mindedly extinguishes cigarette butt into arm of sofa while telling annual repeat of Bob Hope story.
Dinner is served.
Invited guests form line at bathroom.
Bathroom is fumigated and roped off.
Mark produces emergency backup videotape of "Christmas Vacation."
VCR is smashed by emergency backup sledgehammer.
Mark announces that he hates everybody.
Mark is consoled by Lucy.
Brian vanishes.
Mark performs emotional rendition of "Here Comes Santa Claus" on piano.
Lucy redresses Mark after he soils himself during emotional rendition of "Here Comes Santa Claus" on piano.
Brian emerges from master bedroom wearing an article of Lucy's lingerie, proclaims himself "Sugar Plum Fairy."
Brian is roped off.
Dinner reaches Longmire's lower intestinal tract.
Smoke alarm goes off.
Longmire is escorted to exit of residence.
Lucy shows off Hugh Grant scrapbook, including lock of pubic hair purchased on eBay.
Longmire requests to come back inside.
Request denied.
Susan gets mad for no apparent reason, brings sudden end to party.
Guests leave.
Lucy and Mark retire to bedroom.

Longmire requests to come back inside to use telephone to call for ride home.


Request denied.

Friday, 12/12/03 - Wow... you won't believe this. Today, some guy shot himself in the head... at the exact spot in the road in Dallas where John F. Kennedy was killed 40 years ago. Read about it. I guess he either wanted his own suicide to be memorable or maybe he was a JFK assassination enthusiast who wanted the "ultimate experience."

Thursday, 12/11/03 - I got bored at work yesterday, so I took a legitimate news article and converted it to this.

Wednesday, 12/10/03 - The other day I mentioned those scam e-mails that are coming out of Nigeria. Well, Jonathan Clark sent me a link to a guy's site who calls himself the "Ebola Monkey Man." He replies to these scammers, keeps them thinking they're pulling their scam off, and turns the tables on them. There's a lot of reading to do on this site, but it's hilarious reading. It's brilliant.

Tuesday, 12/9/03 - Tuesday is Soylent Green day.

Monday, 12/8/03 - Some junk e-mail I received recently...

Sent: Saturday, December 06, 2003 10:12 AM
From: Mrs Comfort Adams []
Subject: Donation for evangelical mission.

My Lordship/Friend,

Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am former Mrs Sikiratu Seki Adams, now Mrs Comfort Faith Adams, a widow to Late Saheed Baba Adams.

I am 72years old, I am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer of the breast. From all indications, my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I may not live more than six months,because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe stage. My late husband was killed during the Gulf war, and during the period of our marriage we had a son who was also killed in a cold blood during theGulf war. My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth. My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than six months and I am so scared about this. So, I now decided to divide part of this wealth, by contributing to the development of evangelism in Africa,America,Europe and Asian Countries.

This mission which will no doubt be tasking had made me to recently relocated to Nigeria, Africa where I live presently. I selected your church after visiting the website for this purpose and prayed over it, I am willing to donate the sum of $3.000,000.00 Million US Dollars to your Church/Ministry for the development of evangelism and also as aids for the less privileged around you.

Please note that, this fund is lying in a Security Company in Holland and the company has branches, therefore my lawyer will file an immediate application for the transfer of the money in the name of your ministry. Please, do not reply me if you have the intention of using this fund for personal use other than enhancement of evangelism.

Lastly, I want you/your ministry to be praying for me as regards my entire life and my health because I have come to find out since my spiritual birth lately that wealth acquisition without Jesus Christ in one's life is vanity upon vanity. If you have to die says the Lord, keep fit and I will give you the crown of life.

May the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you. I await your urgent reply.

Yours in Christ
Mrs. Comfort Adams.
Christ Live Church,
Bodija, Ibadan, Nigeria.

Why does this "I give you money" crap all seem to be coming out of Africa? I get a LOT of these.

To mistake THIS SITE for a ministry, she obviously hasn't really seen it, so she's a big stinkin' Nigerian liar. It's a sin to lie, Comfort Faith Adams. Anyhoo, I sent her this reply...

Sent: Sunday, December 07, 2003 12:33 AM
From: Mrs Comfort Adams []
To: Mrs Comfort Adams
Subject: RE: Donation for evangelical mission.

Sure, send me the money.

I'll throw a few dollars to some orphans to buy them some Happy Meals, but will keep the rest of the funds. Administration expenses, you know.

"Please, do not reply me if you have the intention of using this fund for personal use other than enhancement of evangelism."

Don't worry, Comfort Faith... I will only spend the money on Christian whores and sacrament wine.

Where to send the money to me... I mean, my "church"? Well, you must be pretty smart since you found my e-mail address. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

- Your Lordship/Friend

Saturday, 12/6/03 - Christopher Shields of Dark Thoughts fame took this photo recently at a mall in Mississippi...

"This Holiday Season, Introduce Your Child to Disney's World of Bestiality"

Is it wrong for me to be turned on by this?

ATTENTION: There are a couple of new postings in the E-mail Extravaganza!

This past week at work, a coworker passed out some "Reception Stick Candy." These are little candied sticks dipped in chocolate, but, due to their appearance, and after a few minutes of kidding about them, they quickly transformed into the subject of this perverted image...

Tuesday, 12/2/03 -

Sent: Tue 12/2/2003 4:15 PM
From: Longmire, Mark
Subject:, I LOVE YOU


I was working on a very important job of making name badges for a retiree Christmas luncheon to be held two days from now and I ran out of badge holders (the safety pin kind). At first I panicked, cried for about half an hour, and then I remembered STAPLES.COM!


Ordering online was fast and simple and the delivery was right on time. Not only have you saved my meaningless job, but you have saved me from the wrath of those vicious Alzheimer's-ridden retirees. Now they will be happy and content, in their own little world, knowing who they are and who each other are... if only for a few fleeting moments. Finding their way to the buffet table and the bathroom is up to them. That is not my problem as it has nothing to do with name badges, I think.

Don't tell anyone this, but I saved two badge holders to make special name badges... JUST FOR ME AND MY CAT. Not for the retiree lunch, but for home use. That way, we can see each other's name badge and say "hello, Mark!" and "hello, Jingles!" (Jingles is my cat's name.)

THANK YOU, STAPLES.COM, YOU HAVE ROCKED MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Mark Longmire

Monday, 12/1/03 - The Tonka "Mighty Dump" just sounds funny to me.

Speaking of dumps... not long ago at my workplace, we had a crisis. Someone wasn't flushing their business. This occurred about half a dozen times until a sign was put up urging the idiot to take care of what he left behind. That sign was taken down immediately by the suspected perpetrator and replaced by one of his own creation blaming the problem on the pipes. Yeah, right.

This must happen a lot across this great land of ours because the same thing was recently mentioned on The Onion.

Oh, by the way... now the guy isn't rinsing the sink of his Listerine spit.


©2003, Mark Longmire, The Wonderful World of Longmire