Dear Brian, I'm a woman trapped in a man's body...

The Wonderful World of Longmire is indeed fortunate to present Mr. Brian Hamby, resident expert on just about everything, to answer your questions about life, love, relationships, health, etiquette, home and auto maintenance, alien encounters, art and literature, entertainment, Beanie Babies, etc. You name it, Brian has the answer. Brain has plenty of time on his hands right now to devote to your personal happiness. Forget about those phony psychic hotlines, Dear Abby, Dr. Laura, and those MTV Loveline wusses... Brian's the real deal, baby! Ask him a question and he'll get his freak on! But for the sake of your and your family's safety, please don't reveal to him your real name!

Warning: Some of the following content is of an adult nature.


Dear Brian,

I am madly in love with Mark Longmire. I'm too shy to e-mail him directly about this, so I thought I would go through you to get your advice. Is he a nice man? He seems to be. I have met him and I think he knows and remembers me, but I'm not sure he thinks of me the same way? Do you know if he is currently involved with anyone?

- coworker of both of you


Dear Co-wo,

Although I can't speak for Mark, I can speak for his ex-girlfriend who I overheard the other day and I quote "It'll be a cold day in hell when he ever finds another stupid (expletive) like me to fall for his (expletive), lame, (expletive, had to do with his anatomy) 'cause it don't take no time to wise up to his cheap, monkey (expletive), whining (expletive). He think his (expletive, more anatomy) all that? You know that's all I'm saying girl."

I'm just guessing but I think he may be available at the moment. One suggestion. If you ever meet him again and want to impress him make sure you wear something sexy. Oh, and if you're a man, take him to a war movie. He likes those. And wear something sexy.


Dear Brian,

What is MDMA? I just got home from a raaaaave and someone said I would feel good very soon. And William S Burroughs was gonna pay me a visitandnowIseeamushroomdrinkingabeerand OHMYGODICANTFEELMYLEGSARBLOOFGREBZOGZOGZOG!!!

- sIGN3D, MuGwWUmP


Dear Sybil (and whoever else you are today),

Yes, you have been ecstasized with the latest recreational drug of choice. Therefore, William will be your waiter, our lunch special today is Champignons de Beernaise, and...oh, too late, you're lying naked in the cat litter box wondering why the Jacuzzi isn't making any bubbles. Cancel that order.

7/16/01 (originally received on 1/31/01)

Dear Brian,

How in the world did you survive the fall from the top of the Sunsphere?

- Kurious in Kokomo


Dear Kiki,

A giant pile of throw pillows. Also, being high on cake frosting, Pepsi One, and crack didn't hurt.

7/16/01 (originally received on 2/8/01)

Dear Brian,

Now that you are back among the incarcerated, where is your new "home?" And, do they allow conjugal visits there? I'd like to come see you. You are one hot beast!

- Victoria from Vicksburg


Dear Vic Vick,

Thanks, babe. My present abode is at the Tennessee State Penitentiary in Nashville. My cell has a nice view of the laundry building. As far as conjugal visits go, you have to apply to visit me and go through a background check. It will take a few months, so keep those sauces simmering on a low flame. Send me a photo of yourself. You'd better not be ugly. I may be in prison teetering on the brink of homosexuality, but I still have some standards.

7/16/2001 (originally received on 2/14/01)

Dear Brian,

What is Regis Philbin really like?

- Wannabe A. Millionaire


Dear WAM,

When I appeared on the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" program, I had to sign a confidentiality agreement that I would never reveal a "top secret" fact involving Regis Philbin, the show's host. The agreement included the risk of criminal prosecution if I mentioned this "secret." But, seeing that I am already incarcerated and it couldn't hurt, what the heck, I'll go ahead and tell you and the world...

Regis Philbin is an android. Final answer.

YES, THAT IS CORRECT! How else could a normal human being survive the tortuous schedule of taping 24 WWAM episodes a day, taping Philbin's morning talk show, and various personal appearances? There are actually 7 Philbin androids needed to meet this demand. Well, 6 now after I took one out with a pink panty bomb.

7/16/01 (originally received on 3/15/01)

I love cream cheese. I really like the Elsie May brand. But, I can't seem to find Elsie May products here in the Southwest. I had one last carton, but it dried up and stuck to the canned ham in my 'fridge. You see, my problem is, I really gotta have some Elsie May brand cream cheese. So, since you are from the South, could you find and send a carton to me? The expiration date doesn't matter. Just FedEx a carton overnight, and I shall be eternally grateful. If perhaps you cannot find any, what else do you recommend that will not squish out the seams of Hush Puppies?

- Bunion Burdened


Dear Bunny,

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not really in a good spot to find a particular brand of cream cheese for you as we inmates don't really get out to the supermarkets very often. When we do have occasion to be "away from home," locating the elusive Elsie May cream cheese usually isn't a high priority on our list of things to do. May I suggest a 50/50 mixture of Cool Whip and mayonnaise until you find some Elsie May? Let me know how it works out.

7/16/01 (originally received on 5/15/01)

Hi, i am Rocker , and i am 16 years old. If i attract these girl at school , do they talk or chat with me??? I am scare these girl don't , becaurse i am fat and over weight!


Dear Rocker,

(Hmmm. I could reply to your message using standard English, but I think my message would get through to you better if I answer in your native dialect...)

No worry about girl at school. If she donot like you for you, forgetit about. i and everone thinks you are buetifull is as. Don't go changing to to try please me, i love you just way the you are. That was a some ass-cool song by Bily Joe, no? But you cuold lay off the duble-stuff Oreos and lose some weight. That is the me advise to you Rocker. Heed it.

7/16/01 (originally received on 6/21/01)

I have a 35 year old friend who is a chronic bed wetter. My advice was to buy two of the biggest industrial grade dehumidifiers that he could find and line his bed with those little packets of silica pellets like you get at the gun shop for your gun rack. I also recommended that he needed to lay off watching Disney's 1964 classic "Mary Poppins" every night religiously before going to bed. I mean, my God, the man wets his bed like a spastic 2 year old and has a three foot square black cloth covered Julie Andrews shrine in the corner of his bedroom. We're talking sixteen taper candles in a pyramid arrangement with a naked Barbie doll nailed to a homemade wooden cross with Julie Andrews' face photocopied and attached to the Barbie doll's head with masking tape. He got very upset about having to run an extension cord to the socket behind the Julie Andrews shrine in order to plug in the second dehumidifier and started talking in tongues to me, or rapping, which is about one and the same I guess. That just can't be normal, you know, wetting your bed like that at his age. But that's not why I wrote...


Dear "friend" of Mr. Pee-Pee Pants,

What do you care? Are you sleeping with him? Sounds like you are, because I detect a tone of jealousy of his devotion to Mary Poppins. The world would be a much better place if we all wet our beds while worshipping the wholesome image of Mary Poppins. I mean, can you honestly imagine any wars getting started over a singing, flying English nanny? A flying nun, perhaps, but not Mary Poppins. Plus, we would all be too busy changing our bed sheets to think about fighting each other. I say let the juices flow and let's all go fly a kite, up to the highest height...

(Bedwetting links:

2/20/01 (originally received on 3/11/00)

Dear Brian,

Who is the "ass monk", and why is Robert shaking? What does all this have to do with Milk Bone dog biscuits? Where is Harvey? Can I have my crayons back?

These are questions that trouble me deeply, and I am calling upon your superior knowledge to put my angst to rest.

Sign me,
"Deeply Disturbed in Lenoir City"


Dear Deeply,

Well, it's like I've always said, no good can come from buying a used clown suit at a yard sale just because you think you might need one someday.

2/20/01 (originally received on 10/20/99)

Dear Brian,

I was just curious, and would like your thought/opinions on the Pokemon phenomenon? I really dig that little yellow Pikachu Pokemon. Do you think it's this year's Furby or Elmo?

Making My List, and Checkin' It A Couple of Times


Dear M.M. Laciacot,

You know, phenomena's like that make me pause to reflect and think "why aren't there any 'B' batteries?"

2/20/01 (originally received on 6/28/99)

Help! I am an incredibly tall woman. I'm taller than everyone I know, including my boyfriend. Could you please do some research in your prison library? If we can put a man on the moon, I know I can shrink. Please show me the way.

Too Tall for Toodling.

P.S. Please don't tell me to SEE a shrink. That's what everyone else tells me.


Dear Too Ta Too,

I have done extensive research on the subject and wrote a book report, "Giraffes of the Serengeti", available in the gift shop. Besides, you think you have problems, once again I can't find that tiny brush to clean my electric razor. I even velcroed it to the razor and then one day at the beach the glue on the back of the velcro got hot and it fell off. How do you fix that? I had to buy a new freaking razor because they don't sell replacement brushes. Now stores are keeping their electric razors behind locked counters because people were apparently stealing them to get the little brushes. What the hell is that all about?

Note: Brian took a "leave of absence" from June 1999 to December 2000.


Dear Brian,

Do you have any suggestions on the best way to deal with a coworker who just plain smells bad? It's the perfume she uses. Man, she's a great person but whooo that smell! I don't know how much longer I can keep a straight face, and I'm starting to avoid talking to her. What's your advice, o wise one?

Love your, column

- Tangy Butler


Dear Tangy,

Tell Coworker, "Yeah, nice perfume, but do you have to marinate in it?"


Dear Brian,

Have you seen my old friend Abraham? Can you tell me where he's gone?

- Dion


Dear Dion,

All the young girls love Alice, tender sweet Alice they say, come over and see me, come over and please me, Alice it's my turn today...

Yeah, fine, OK, but have you seen my old friend Abraham and can you tell me where he's gone?

Abraham's dead, so you might as well stop looking for him. If he owes you money, let it go...

He's...dddead? (sob)

Yep... got it in a gardening accident. His wife found him hog-tied to a wheelbarrow at the bottom of a ravine in their back yard. Originally she was a suspect but now they've ruled it as a suicide.

Abraham was married? He never told me he was married... that lying #@%.

Well, I should say his 'life partner.' I don't know if 'she' had the complete operation or not. I can probably tell you now that's he's gone that he had a wooden leg also.

I loved him and now he's dead. Seems I just turned around and he was gone. Why did he have to die, Brian?

For the same reason that toothpaste does not automatically come out of the bottom of the tube. That's the only way I know how to explain it. Hey, look on the bright side, you've still got Martin and John... oh, wait a minute... they're dead, too.



Hey Brian,

Just wondering: what's your favorite food? And who are your favorite movie stars? I think you're really cool.

Keep on writing that great answer column,

- A Big Human Fan


Dear Big Hu,

I'm sorry, but now you're just getting a little too darn personal. Let's try to keep questions about me more general, okay? Thanks.


Dear Brian,

I'm troubled...I went to WalMart today to buy some shampoo. It was one of the few trips I've taken there recently; generally the store is so dirty and ill-kempt that I usually stick with Target, but today I thought I'd give it a try. Anyhow, I parked my car, opened the door to get out, looked down when I swung my foot out, and there's a honest-to-goodness striped bass lying there with it's head all smooshed. I almost put my foot right in it. I am NOT making this up! Now my question is, are striped bass falling out of the sky? Did it fall out of some WalMart shopper's purse? What the hell are dead fish doing in the WalMart parking lot!? Why is the blasted parking lot so dirty when WalMart makes so much dough and could well afford to clean it up? I'm so depressed...

- Almost Slid On A Fish


Dear Slid,

That was my striped bass, it must have fell out of my briefcase on the way to the seminar I was giving on personal hygiene. You didn't take it home, did you? I'll need it Thursday.


Dear Brian,

I need some advice. The most amazing guy has challenged me to a game of air hockey. I want to beat the pants off of him--- any good tips on how to do this? I'm just guessing by your pic that you might know something on this subject.

- Wanting to Win!!!!


Dear Wanting,

Tell him that instead of using the normal air hockey puck this time, you want to use a pickled egg instead. That should do it. Be sure that you practice alone with a pickled egg beforehand, though.


Dear Brian,

Recently, Reverend Jerry Falwell has stated that he believes that a character on the children's show, Teletubbies, is homosexual because the character is purple and has an antenna on its head in the shape of a triangle. The color purple and triangle shape are both reported to be symbols of the gay community. What are your thoughts on this?

- Wondering in Wichita

Dear Wichie,

We must remember that early in life the Rev. Falwell had holes poked in him, was put on a baking sheet in the center over rack at 350 for thirty five minutes or until hot, and then left to cool. This can do things to a man.

Dear Brian,

I have a big problem. I work with a really great guy and I would like to go out with him. But I'm too afraid to ask him out. Can you give me some advice on how to ask a guy out who knows me, but doesn't know I'm interested in him?

- Totally Terrified


Dear Totally,

Remember the scene in the movie 'Titanic' where the rich girl ,who wasn't sure if the poor guy was a thief ,went below decks anyway, braved raging icy waters, got the axe and broke him free and saved his life? Do that.

Dear Brian,

As the holidays are fast fact, overtaking us, I'd like to know if you have any good Nog tips. Specifically, I'd like to prepare a good Nog to serve on New Year's Eve. Got any suggestions?

- Nog Impaired


Dear Nog,

Try using scrambled eggs this year. And ketchup. Heat your nog until there's a crunchy film on top. Drop in a Slim Jim beef stick (unwrapped) for garnish. Voile!

Dear Brian,

What are your tips for improving my bowling score?

- Spare Me


Dear Spare me,

Obviously you haven't read my book "Brian's Song". Yes, James Caan did play me in the movie, and yes, I know I'm supposed to be dead. The writers felt that we needed some real 'oomph' for the finish.

What was the question again?

Dear Brian,

Just posing a hypothetical question: if you were, say, at your local grocery store, and you bumped into Monica Lewinsky, what would you do? Would you talk to her? And if so, what would you say?

- Voyeuristica


Dear Voy,

I would say, 'Monica...where the hell do they keep the Kraft macaroni in this place? Ever since they remodeled this stupid store I can't find anything! They do that just to make you have to walk down every aisle, it's some kind of marketing scam. And what's the deal with this damn bonus card that I have to drag around just to get 5% off the 20% markup? Like I don't have enough crap to keep up with in my life already?? Monica? HELLO? Where's the damn Kraft macaroni?'

That's probably what I would say.

Letters to "Dear Brian" are starting to accumulate fast. So fast that we've had to add another page. This is a free service to you, valued reader, so that you don't have to scroll through incredibly long areas of text such as this paragraph. Click here to read some slightly older "Dear Brian" letters.

 Got a problem? Need an answer to a burning question?
Got a burning problem? Got an irritated and itching...oh, never mind...

Just send Brian a question... He's got nothing better to do than to help you.

You'll be glad you did.

Really... I'm serious.

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