On Sunday, June 11, 2000, television audiences were shocked and dumbfounded when fugitive Brian Hamby made an appearance on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire game show. The elusive Hamby once again narrowly escaped capture. The following is a portion of that broadcast...
Regis Philbin: Now join us from New York for night 69 of WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE!!!

Regis: OK, we're back with our current contestant, Brian Hamby from... well, it says here "none of your damn business." Care to elaborate on that?

Brian: No.

Regis: (eyeing Brian suspiciously) Well...uh..OK, let's get started...wait... hold on just a second...

Regis: PFSSFFFPHHHT!!!...oh yeah... that was sweet...

Brian: You're a freak, Philbin.



Regis: OK, NOW I'm ready!




Regis: OK Mystery Man Brian from parts unknown, you've currently got $300 and you're now going for the $500 question. Just a reminder...you have two of your lifelines left (50:50, Phone-A-Friend), and you've already used your Ask the Audience lifeline.

Brian: I'm very well aware of what I have left, Philbin.

Regis: OK, OK. Jeez... Are you ready to play WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?!!!

Brian: Get on with it, you pompous ass.

Regis: Well, OK....HA, HA, HA, HA...This is for $500...

Which of the following is not normally considered a food item? A. Apple, B. Bread, C. Hamburger, D. Regis Philbin

Brian: Hmmmm... this is a trick question because C and D are the same. OK, the answer is B. Bread.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Brian: No! No! Wait....let's see, I've already used my audience lifeline on the "What color is an egg white?" question....so...COULD I HAVE A 50-50?

Regis: 50:50? OK, fine, we can do that, Brian. Computer, please take away two of the wrong answers, leaving two possible answers, one of which is the correct response.

Which of the following is not normally considered a food item? C. Hamburger, D. Regis Philbin

Brian: Yep, that's what I thought it would be. Very cute... Oh my sweet Lord...you know....some people would probably think it was hamburger....it might sound ludicrous to pick "Regis Philbin"....but....geez, what would my first impression be??? Hmmm... Well, Regis, well....well....uh....I guess, I....guess....well, I guess I'd have to say......ah....

Brian: Regis, I think I'll just take my $8,000 and walk away. Don't want to tempt fate...or anything else!!

Regis: Brian, you only have $300!

Brian: Well, yes, but if I'm going to quit, I want $8,000. I can't quit for LESS. I have standards, you know.

Regis: Brian, you have to answer this question and the next five correctly to win $8000, which you have not done yet. If you walk away now, you will receive only $300. You can't just expect to quit and receive $8,000. These are the rules.

Brian: Well, they's just goin' to have to change. If not, somebody's ass might get whupped.

Regis: (stunned silence)

(10 minutes pass as Brian stares at his console, muttering to himself)

Regis: (long sigh)
Brian, are you going to answer the damn question? THIS IS ONLY A ONE HOUR SHOW, YOU KNOW!

Brian: Huh?... Oh yeah... I'd like to phone my friend Susan, Regis.

Regis: Susan Regis?

Brian: No, her last name isn't Regis... I meant...

Regis: OK. Our friends at ATT will get us in touch with Susan Regis...

Brian: Whatever... dumbass.




Regis: Brian, Susan Regis doesn't seem to be answering. Would you like to call another friend?

Brian: No, Regis, I think I'm just going to go for it...

Regis: Gutsy move, my friend.

Brian: Well, Regis, I used to be in the apple, bread, and hamburger selling business so I'm going to have to go with, uhmm, "D". and that's my final answer...

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Brian: I just said it was, didn't I?

Regis: D. Regis Philbin? YOU'RE RIGHT!! YOU'VE JUST WON $500!


Brian: Boy, that was a close one!!! I'd like to thank all the people who weren't worth a crap in helping me out! Are we going to commercial? Where's the bathroom, Reeg?

Regis: Hold on there a second, lamebrain... I call the shots around here.

Brian: Apparently, you must not know just who I am or what I am capable of.

Regis: Yeah, I guess not...uh...OK, Brian, you now have $500 and are going for $1,000...

Brian: I'm dead serious.

Regis: Calm down there, Chief. OK, moving along...for $1,000...

Which of the following is a structure used to live in? A. Feather, B. Barbeque Sauce, C. House, D. Regis Philbin

Regis: Let me remind you that you still have your Phone-A-Friend lifeline available.

Brian: Mmmmm.... Structure used to live in.......uh, I'm going to use that phone a friend... I'm going to phone my internet savvy friend Teresa, Regis...

Regis: Teresa Regis? Is she Susan's sister?

Brian: Just shut up and call her...ingrate.

Regis: OK. Our friends at ATT will get us in touch with Susan's sister, Teresa...

Brian: Sister Teresa? I thought she was dead? Heh, heh, heh...


Regis: That's Mother Teresa.

Brian: Oh. Well, I was just making a joke because you misheard me about Susan's last name being Regis, so I thought I would do the same when you said "sister, Teresa." You see what I was doing there? Heh, heh, heh, eh?...

Regis: (silent... and staring at Brian with incomprehension. The audience is also totally silent and a cricket can be heard chirping in the distance)

Brian: Never mind.

Regis: OK. Our friends at ATT will get us in touch with Susan's sister, Teresa Regis...




Regis: Brian, we're getting no response from Teresa. This now confirms my suspicion that all women hate you, as do I. Would you like to call a male friend? I am sure that you have many...

(Regis and audience burst out laughing)



Brian: Prepare for a major ass-whuppin', PHIL-BINE!

Regis: Whoa, just a minute there, Tiger... it seems now that we've got Teresa on the line. Teresa?

Teresa: Uh... hello?...

Regis: Hello Teresa, this is REGIS PHILBIN with WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE... I know you can't see us right now, but we've got your friend Brian here. Brian has $500 and is going for $1000 and he needs your help...

Teresa: Brian, are you out of your mind? Don't you realize that they're still looking for you?...

Brian: Heh, heh, heh... she's such a kidder...

Regis: Yeah... well, Teresa, Brian will get on the line and ask you a question followed by four possible answers. You have 30 seconds... starting now.

Brian: Teresa, Which of the following is a structure used to live in? A. Feather, B. Barbeque Sauce, C. House, D. Regis Philbin.

Teresa: Hmmm. Let's see...

A. Feather - one of the light horny epidermal outgrowths that form the external covering of the body of birds and that consist of a shaft bearing on each side a series of barbs which bear barbules which in turn bear barbicels commonly ending in hooked hamuli and interlocking with the barbules of an adjacent barb to link the barbs into a continuous vane. Hmmmm, Nope.

B. Barbecue Sauce - a condiment or relish for food that adds zest or piquancy. Nope.

C. House - a zodiacal sign that is the seat of a planet's greatest influence; or a legislative, deliberative, or consultative assembly especially one constituting a division of a bicameral body; or the circular area 12 feet in diameter surrounding the tee and within which a curling stone must rest in order to count.

Oh, wait... I seem to recall a house is also a building that serves as living quarters for one or a few families. Brian, it's C.

Brian: That's what I was thinking, too.

(Regis and audience stare at Brian, not believing him)

Brian: No, really I was...

Brian: So, I'll go with C. House. That's my final answer.

Regis: Is that your final answer?


(long dramatic pause)

Regis: WELL, IT'S A GOOD ONE!!!! YOU'VE JUST WON $1,000!


Regis: Congratulations, Brian. There it is, Big Guy...

Regis: I was a little disappointed that Teresa didn't have a detailed definition of Regis Philbin...

(suddenly, there is a commotion and an army of police in riot gear rush in...)

Police Captain: THERE HE IS, MEN!!!! GET HIM!!!!!!!!

Regis: I SWEAR SHE SAID SHE WAS 18!!!!!!!!!

Police Captain: NOT YOU, MORON!!!!!!!! GRAB HAMBY!!!!!!!!!

Brian: (snatches check out of Regis' hand) Well, I gotsta go. I'll take that!...

(Suddenly, Brian throws a pink panty bomb at Regis, hitting him directly in the groin, exploding in a blinding flash with clouds of thick pink smoke...)




Regis Philbin suffered 2nd degree burns on his crotch (it's not like he ever used it, anyway). He was treated and released from a New York area hospital and is now resting comfortably at home. Like the slippery eel that he is, Brian Hamby escaped once again from another feeble attempt by law enforcement authorities to corner and trap this master of deception. Hamby has been placed on the FBI's 10 Most Annoying Offenders List.

The search continues...


Back to On the Trail of Hamby main page

Back to Dear Brian main page

Back to Features page

Back to Home Page