Page 2...can you dig it?


Warning: Some of the following content is of an adult nature.

Dear Brian,

A coworker phoned me and I am reluctantly having lunch with him on Friday. I wish I knew of a gracious way to decline such invitations without being totally rude and hurting his feelings. Help!

- Lunchfearing Lucy

Dear Lucy,

Don't fly too close to his love light, my friend, He'll entrance and seduce you, lead you into his lair (the lair of love) and love you like you've never been loved before. He'll sing you to sleep after the lovin' with a song he just wrote yesterday. You'll yearn for more, but alas, he will want you no more. He will be gone like a shadow in the night, for he is a restless wanderer. A love wanderer.

Dear Brian,

About six months ago, I went into my local convenience store where this pretty, actually beautiful, girl works. I was feeling my Canadian Club and told her how beautiful I thought she was. She was appreciative, but I left thinking that she probably hears that all the time, so why bother pursuing it. I wnt back there the other day and she was very friendly and said that I had left a pack of cigarettes behind the last time I was there so she gave me a pack. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but if she remembered me, then I must have made an impression on her. But I'm still wondering if I should pursue it or not.

- Hesitant in Houston

Dear Hes,

Hey man, go there a few more times and then ask her out to lunch. An invitation to lunch is pretty innocent and a good first step. She probably does remember you for the compliment and/or for the way you were feeling your Canadian Club while speaking to her. I, personally, don't usually grope myself while talking to women, but if it works for you... go for it.

Dear Brian,

I'm having a bit of a problem today. Although the intestinal pressure is there, I've been unable to produce a good solid rip today. I can't get any tone, just some pops and wheezes.Can you give me any advice on how to improve my pooticity? I feel very frustrated and cheated right now and my morale is very low.

- Backed up in Biloxi

Dear BUB,

First of all, don't force it. This is an art, not a science. Sometimes there's that fine line between wind and what you had for lunch which can, of course, lead to unimaginable accidents. Also, you have to have your mind right. During pre-poot, think of the obvious; Boston baked beans, Roseanne Barr, anything from south of the border. Another tip: reverse psychology. Try not to. Tell yourself you're not gonna for the whole day. I guarantee you'll be shooting across the room in no time.

Actually, I stopped the practice two years ago when a pretty girl launched one in front of me in line at the grocery store. You know, the kind women do that sounds like a small zipper unzipping. It wasn't just a guy thing anymore, you know? Now, I just open my mouth until my ears pop. Yes, sometimes I miss it, but life has to be a smorgasbord of experiences. Otherwise, we're just going through the motions.

Dear Brian,

My hobbies include NASCAR, watching pro wrestling and the Jerry Springer Show, Baywatch, Shopping at Home Network. I love country music and Lynnrd Skynnrd and like to go to country night clubs to line dance. I also like picking up babes and taking them for a ride in my Trans Am. I was just wondering, Brian, what are your hobbies and interests?

- Doug the Stud

Dear Spud,

Go to sleep, little man, and dream about someday living outside the cold, stone prison walls of your mental illness. Oh, that glorious day when Doug spreads his wings and flies into the open arms of sanity. Fly, butterfly, fly...

Dear Brian,

The engine warning light keeps coming on and my car won't start. What should I do?

- Stranded in Iowa

Dear Stranded,

The engine warning light is just a symptom of your real problem, you hate your mother. From reading between the lines in your letter I can tell you were Daddy's little favorite and he gave you everything you wanted, your first car, your first beer, your first male escort, while Mom had to be the disciplinarian and this caused you to resent her. Have your car towed and charge all the repairs on your Mother's credit card. This will open a dialogue between you and her.

Dear Brian,

I'd like to buy a vowel.

- Living in Lexington

Dear Living,

Oooh, I'm sorry, we're out of time for today... but we have some lovely parting gifts for you...

Dear Brian,

My transvestite cousin, 'Brad', who I am currently dating, will not go on Jerry Springer with me to air out our problems. He's says I'm overreacting because he doesn't want to have sex in a shopping cart at Kmart every time there's a blue light special, and I do. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore.

What can I do?

- Blue in Bloomfield

Dear Blue,

If Brad is unwilling to make this one sacrifice for you then how is he going to react when you you want to skydive naked, commit armed robbery, or drink toxic waste? You should review your relationship and dump Brad. He's not good enough for you.

Dear Brian,

Whose the cat that won't cop out, when there's danger all about?

- Anonymous in Dearborn

Dear Anonymous,

Shaft. Can you dig it?

Dear Brian,

I'm missing the action back in Tennessee. I had a couple of buds and we used to "do the scene" but I've had to move away. I can't seem to get them to visit the east coast and my wife won't let me go to Tennessee for an extended stay. Got any suggestions?

- Frustrated in Virginia


Dear Frustrated,

This is bad, my friend. You hate where you're living, your friends don't care enough to come and visit you, and you have no control over your woman. No wonder you're frustrated. It's time for a makeover and glamour shots. Okay, if you don't want to do it then buy your wife the makeover and glamour shots. Maybe she'll get off your back for five freaking minutes. I told you not to marry her...the old battle axe.

Dear Brian,

The neighbors across the way have this big dog that just barks and barks all day and all night long. It's ridiculous! The people have him on a 10-foot chain and they never ever play with him; they just come out to feed the poor thing. The barking is driving us crazy, but they have 2 big teenage boys, and I'm afraid if I complain to the cops, the boys will vandalize us in some way. What should we do? We don't want to hurt the dog, and we realize he's just asking for some attention!

Sick of Barks

Dear SOB,

The only way to deal with this problem is for you to buy a bigger, meaner dog that has been trained to attack barking dogs (you can probably find one at Sears) and then accidentally let him into the neighbor's yard one day. Also, let it go after the teenage boys a couple of times. And make sure your dog barks all day and night. This may not solve your problem but now you'll be in control of the situation. Now at least, you'll be the bigger nuisance. Hope this helps.

Dear Brian,

I am at home sick today with a really bad cold. Battling my illness, I managed to stumble into my neighborhood drug store to purchase some medication, and was overwhelmed by my choices. There seems to be a dozen varieties and brands available for each cold symptom that I have. What is the best over-the-counter medicine to take to relieve my sneezing, runny nose, and watery eyes? Help... I'm dyin' out here, man!

- Snotty in Savannah


Dear Sis,

All cold medications are made out of the same basic ingredients: vinegar, phenolphthalein, phenazine, phenylpropanolamine, phenoxide, phentolamine, and alethrin...except for Vicks NyQuil. The fine folks at Vicks add in three parts Vodka. I recommend Vicks NyQuil.

Dear Brian,

What do you want for Christmas?

- Curious


Dear Curious,

Brian's Christmas List...

1 Partridge Family Reunion Special. Mr. Kincaid makes me laugh.

2 Turtleneck Sweaters. Hey, they're going to come back.

3 French Hens. I'm hungry, okay?

4 Call Girls. I've got three French hens getting cold on the table here. I can't eat three French hens all by myself, what was I thinking?

5 Gold Visa Cards. I've got 4 call girls standing at the front door, remember?

6 Call Girls A' Laying. I've got Visa cards, baby! I ordered two more call girls and they're not going to be sitting around eating French hens all night, I tell you.

7-Person Capacity Swimming Pool. A little dinner, a little drink, me and the girls taking a dip in the pool. Life is good.

8 Maids A' Milking. Hey, it's getting a little kinky now.

9 Ladies Dancing. Hot damn, gonna need a bigger pool...

10 Lords A' Leaping. Just curious, never seen any lords leaping before.

11 Pipers Piping. The lords would look pretty stupid leaping without any music.

12 Drummers Drumming. Oh man, now I've got the Lawrence Welk Show out by the pool. Hey, that's enough leaping! And put that milk maid down!


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You'll be glad you did.

Really... I'm serious.

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