You talkin' to ME?

...also known to use the following aliases:

Starting at an early age (click on newspaper clipping above), Brian has led a troubled life with constant conflict with the law and society. We draw on his invaluable life experiences to help you. He has graciously agreed to do Dear Brian for the Wonderful World of Longmire. He welcomes your questions.

Brian is... correction... was currently serving a 6 month sentence for defacing a public monument (he was using a magic marker to add his name to the Vietnam War Memorial Wall in Washington).

Here are just a few of Brian's known offenses...

August 1978, Atlanta, Georgia: While attending a Bee Gees concert, Brian throws a pair of silk panties onto the stage during the performance of "Jive Talkin'." Upon contact with the stage surface, the panties explode, temporarily blinding Maurice.

March 1989, New York, New York: Brian is charged with stalking Charles Nelson Reilly.

April 1990, Los Angeles, California: Brian somehow appears on stage alongside Sigourney Weaver as an Oscar presenter during the Academy Awards ceremony. Interrupting Ms. Weaver's presentation banter, Brian rips open the envelope, declares himself the winner of "Best Picture,' grabs the Oscar statuette, and scrambles out into the audience amid screams and fainting male choreographers. He is apprehended an hour later at a Waffle House, attempting to trade the Oscar for blueberry pancakes.

November 1993, Arlington, Virginia: Brian is arrested for trespassing and causing a public disturbance after attempting to light a cigarette off the eternal flame on JFK's grave.

September 1995, Los Angeles, California: Brian is arrested while picketing outside the L.A. County Courthouse during the O.J. Simpson murder trial. For some uncanny reason, Brian was carrying a sign that read "There's A Sailor in the Shanty!"

June 1995, New York, New York: Brian is arrested during a live broadcast of the Today Show for stealing a police horse and riding it, while nude, into the crowd gathered outside the studio window.

December 1996, Cleveland, Ohio: Brian runs over a Salvation Army Santa with a bulldozer. Once again, he is nude.

February 1997, Tuscon, Arizona: Brian is caught impersonating a Walmart employee, greeting customers at the door with "Welcome to Walmart, you filthy bastards."

September 1997, London, England: Brian drives a miniature Shriners car into the funeral procession of Princess Diana. Brian is subsequently kicked out of the Shriners organization. See related story.

May 1998, Burbank, California: Brian phones in a bomb threat to the location shooting of the CHiPS 20th reunion TV movie. Unfortunately, production isn't halted and the movie is completed. A drunken Brian is apprehended hours later in a doughnut shop, which is full of off-duty FBI agents, bragging about the bomb threat to a waitress.

July 1998, Las Vegas, Nevada: Incredibly, Brian once again tosses a combustible undergarment onto the stage during a live Bee Gees performance, and once again, it is during the song "Jive Talkin'."

October 4, 1998, Knoxville, Tennessee: Brian is taken into custody for barbecuing 'Smokey', the University of Tennessee's canine mascot during a pre-game football tailgate party. He was later released after the barbecuing was ruled accidental by campus police. The campus police also commended Brian for his special barbecue sauce.

October 5, 1998, Oak Ridge, Tennessee: Brian is charged with reckless endangerment after waving around and accidentally discharging a loaded shotgun at a Shoney's restaurant, hitting an unarmed senior citizen in the oxygen canister. Seems that Brian was uspet that the aged person was hogging all the macaroni and cheese at the buffet bar.

[ close ]