Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
Questions and Answers
Sent: Wednesday, December 01, 1999 3:29 PM
Brian: Why are objects in the mirror closer than they appear? How can that be?
Mark: I'm glad you asked that question...
Actually the objects in the mirror, in the actual mirror itself, are exactly the size that you see them on the surface of the mirror's glass. However, the objects that are reflected in the mirror (the actual objects themselves that are located in the real world behind you) are closer to your actual position than the mirror would like you to think. The mirror is concave or convex, or some crap like that, and bends or distorts the true reflected image.
To sum up, do not believe what you see in a mirror because all mirrors are evil and are time/space portals to the flames of hell.
Brian: Thanks. Do mirrors have a union? You know, like The United Mirrors of America, or something like that? And if so, do they vote for a leader by putting ballots in a toaster or something?
I need to know because I'm working on a school project.
Mark: No, Brian, they're pretty much just mirrors... except for that hell thing I mentioned.
Brian: I was just wondering because most things that are time/space portals to hell are in a union.
Mark: You do have a point, but it doesn't apply in the case of mirrors.
Good luck with your school project. I have my fingers crossed that this time (third time's a charm, they say) you'll get your GED.
Brian: Is a giraffe considered obtuse?
Mark: When you say obtuse, do you mean 'stupid' or as in 'an obtuse angle' (more than 90 degrees but less than 180 degrees)?
Mark: OK. Thanks for clarifying that.
Giraffes inhabit the African plains, and in geometric terms, they also inhabit the African planes. Occasionally one can find a giraffe piloting a small passenger (air)plane, usually with disastrous results (note: the crash of JFK Jr.). Because of the many incidents of these crashes, government aviation agencies have determined that giraffes are indeed obtuse, lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility or intellect. This is, of course, as they relate to humans and aircraft. They're giraffes, for pete's sake! Consistent in all of the crash incidents, yes, the trajectory ratio of the aircraft to the earth's surface was greater than 90 degrees and less than 180 degrees.
So the answer to your question is: Charlie Weaver to block, please.
Brian: So, you're saying an Egyptian giraffe pilot caused the crash of flight 990? Wow. Shouldn't you tell somebody about that? I think they're still trying to find out what caused it.
I would have gone for Phyllis Diller for the win, but you can make it up during the bonus round.
Mark: They know. They're just suppressing the findings because of the inevitable panic that it would cause worldwide. An even greater panic than when they ran out of salsa at the Cinco De Mayo celebration in Mexico City earlier this year.
Brian: They ran out of salsa? Those ignorant slack-ass Europeans. It figures.
Mark: I have time for one more question before my manicure appointment...
Brian: What defenses does a tapeworm have against being run over by a cement roller?
Mark: Are you referring to one of your personal tapeworms?
Brian: No, just tapeworms in general.
Mark: Why didn't you say so in the first place? Dammit, we could save a lot of time here if you would be more specific when you first ask the question.
Cement rollers used in the latter half of the 20th century have a safety mechanism in place that warns the operator of any tapeworms that may lie in its path. The use of radar at the close of WWII for this purpose has now been replaced with sophisticated state-of-the-art "lasers" and fiber optics. A close examination of a cement roller's instrumentation panel will reveal a red light with the letters "TW" above it. Needless to say,when a tapeworm is detected in the path of a cement roller, the light will blink and if the operator fails to observe this, or in some instances chooses to ignore this warning and does not steer clear of the detected tapeworm, the safety mechanism will shut down the cement roller's motor and disengage the transaxle, and thusly (and I stress thusly here), spare the tapeworm's destruction.
I have to go now.
Sent: Thursday, December 02, 1999 8:56 AM
Subject: my report
Brian: Well I finished my school project and turned it in. I only got a C- on it, but I wouldn't have done that well if it hadn't been for you. I pasted a copy below if you want to read it.
Giraffes of the Serengeti
by Brian Hamby
Giraffes of the Serengeti are horizontally challenged vegetarians that live in the outback of Egypt. The first giraffes were discovered over fifty years ago. Giraffes were given their name because the term 'high rise' was already taken. As vegetarians giraffes like to eat leaves, bark, small goats, nuts, alligator cubs and cheetah excrement. One of their favorite meals is tapeworms. Giraffes can often be seen devouring a roll of tapeworms in one sitting. Giraffes don't really like cheetah excrement they just like the tapeworms in it. Before changes in technology tapeworms were abundant in the Serengeti due to road projects. They could be seen scraping the pavement with their hooves looking for tapeworms.The indentions they left are called potholes, named after drug users that populate the area.
Giraffes are scared of Ford Explorers.Giraffes are fast animals but they cannot outrun a Ford Explorer. Many cases have been documented of giraffes being rear-ended by Ford Explorers.In too many cases this has caused the giraffes to roll down a hill and since they cannot climb back up, they die. This is because giraffes have no emergency response teams.
Giraffes are also discriminated against in the work place. Being tall, giraffes feel comfortable up high and many giraffes apply for pilot's licenses. This has caused controversy since many African-Africans see giraffes as 'different' and do not feel comfortable flying with a giraffe. This has been a major obstacle for the giraffe since, like mirrors, giraffes don't have unions. In many regions of the Serengeti giraffes are considered obtuse rednecks.
Giraffes hobbies include rubber necking, volleyball, and pottery. Giraffes tend to be moody.
In conclusion, it can be said that giraffes are an abstract melancholy living in a world uniquely their own, as it has been for over fifty years.
Sent: Tuesday, January 04, 2000 3:25 PM
Subject: Hunky dory
Brian: Hunky dory. What the hell is this supposed to mean?
Why do we have this word/phrase/dangling participle or whatever the crap it is? Where'd it come from and how does it relate to ANYTHING?
I need to know because I'm writing an encyclopedia.
Thanks for any info.
Mark: I'm glad you asked that question.
The term "hunky dory" comes from the ancient Nepalese expression Haunkee' Doree', which, translated, means "everything is good in my sheets." The term is a greeting still used in Nepal to this day. In Nepal customs, the greeting is usually, but not always, used on a Thursday. Haunkee' Doree' was an actual person in Nepalese legend. He was a Nepalese monk who, as legend tells it, overcame monumental incontinence problems to become established in history as the the patron saint and savior of bed wetters. His wee-wee problem was so bad that it is written that he could involuntarily wet his bed even though he was not even in bed at the time, and in fact, was miles away from his bed. Through the years, the Western world (and I don't mean the cowboys and Indians type of Western), the spelling and original meaning has been Americanized to now mean "everything is good," dropping off the last part referring to bed sheets.
I hope this helps you.
Brian: Geez, everything's so complicated. I thought it might have just been part of the lyrics to the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine"...
Mark: I'm glad you asked me that question.
Wait a minute... that wasn't a question was it?
Oh, never mind.
Sent: Wednesday, January 05, 2000 1:59 PM
Brian: As an American, do I have a legal right to take the second grade over again? I think I missed some stuff.
I need to know 'cause I'm thinking about taking the second grade over again.
Thanks for any info.
Mark: In Adam Sandler's classic comedy "Billy Madison," the slacker title character has to repeat all of the school grades from kindergarten through high school by a certain time limit in order to inherit his millionaire father's business. He does this and in the end has a new respect for education and states his desire to become a teacher. While I think that you are too stupid to be a teacher and the thought of you near children frightens me, you probably do have the legal right and opportunity to attend the second grade again. Why you would want to puzzles me, although I suspect you are doing this so that you will picked first on teams for basketball.
Brian: Your respect for my stupidity is enlightening, Mark, and I think you see my plan. Just think, with my reams of knowledge...well okay, with my paragraph of knowledge, I'd get all A's, be revered by my classmates, be the star jock, steal all the kids' milk money, be head hall monitor, and the only second grader that could drive home. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's power.
Mark: ...and it's also a great conversation starter and come-on line line with the ladies when they ask what you do.
"Me? Oh, I'm in the second grade."
Sent: Tuesday, January 11, 2000 3:31 PM
Mark: I have a question for you, my friend.
Why do we still use the term "o'clock?" I mean, just look at that word. It looks stupid and sounds antiquated in this day and age... and it sounds like something a leprechaun would say.
Brian: Ah, wee found ye e-mail end I'm so glad ye asked me that question. First of all, ye don't be fooling with thee Irish and making fun o' them and calling 'em leprechauns ye see. We've got a bitter temper, mind ye, and we can make ye wish you were wearing yer dear old mother's skirt if ye be messing with us, ye see. So from now on laddy, when ye hear the term 'o'clock', jest think of John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara in the Quiet Man and keep ye mouth shut, o'kay?
Mark: Uh... okay...you're welcome... I guess (?)
Stairway to Heaven
Sent: Monday, February 07, 2000 11:23 AM
Mark: Brian, I have a question for you... well, actually a series of questions. This issue has been dogging me for the past few days. Only you could give this matter the seriousness that it deserves and answer it in your own unique style.
In the Led Zeppelin song Stairway to Heaven, the song ends with the lyric "And she's buying the stairway... to heaven."
My concerns and questions are:
1. What exactly is a stairway to heaven? (Is it similar to a stairmaster?)
2. Does it actually go to heaven or just to the top of an average sized house?
3. Is there just one, or are there replicas that are available for purchase by the general public?
4. Who makes them?
5. Where can you buy one? (Home Depot?)
6. How much does one cost? (And will they take a personal check?)
7. Can you put one in layaway?
8. If I can't afford a stairway to heaven, do the manufacturers carry a line of rope ladders to heaven?
9. How big is one, does it come preassembled, or do you have to assemble it yourself?
10. Are there used stairways to heaven available for a discounted price?
11. Is it carpeted?
12. Is there a stairway to hell? (Other than the Waffle House?)
Any information you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Brian: I'm glad you asked me this question Mark, since, as you know, I was a member of Led Zeppelin for seven years until I found out Bob Plant had been using my cello strings to floss with, that bugger. Anyway, to vaguely answer your question, me and the mates were playing a gig in East Hadenwoodbury, about five miles from London, grotty great pubs there by the way, and we didn't even have shilling or a six pence to buy a bloody pint with, so that night we're at the flat watching Monty Python on the telly, and Jimmy (Page) comes up with this cocked up idea to write a song to open the bloody show with the next night, and we're all dodgy and ready for a kip and Bob's like 'get out you bloody bugger' and Jimmy says he want's to name the song 'Film At Eleven' and then we all go wobbly, and that's about all I can remember because we all took a mickey full of drugs and I woke up the next day in the bonnet of the Land Rover. The song was a real stroppy bobby dazzler, she was, eh? As for your other questions bloke, you might want to get a copy of Jimmy's autobiography, 'Fun things to do with Anthrax", at your local bookstore.
Hope that helps, mate.
Mark: Huh? First, you answer my o'clock question in an Irish leprechaun dialect and now a bunch of outlandish lies in a Cockney accent? YOU'RE NEITHER BRITISH NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF LED ZEPPELIN!!!
I ask you serious questions about life, love, and the here-after, and this is what I get in return?
I expected a little better from you.
Brian: Okay, I'm not English, but hey, how about that punctuation??!!!
Mark: I read it over again. Amazing. For its length, it just contains five sentences. You have mastered the use of the comma.
Brian: I'm planning to introduce the dash next week.
Mark: The dash?!!! Are you sure you're ready for it? You might want to practice with the period some more before you take the big leap to the dash.
Brian: --...--..-----...----.... .. .. -*#@-!
Morse code THAT, Regis!
Cindy: I love you people. I do.
I, too, was most impressed by Brian's use of the comma. The dash and the questionable Morse code, however, need some work! :)
Brian: Thank you Cindy. We love you too. Except for Mark. He is unable to love. He takes the purity and goodness and trust out of love and smothers it with a big NASCAR pillow. He raps it around a tree like an eight iron. He rips it out of your heart and stomps on it with his high heels and then throws it in the microwave uncovered and bakes it on high until it splatters all over the window and then he rakes what's left of it onto a dirty plate and hands it to you and asks you if you want fries with that. Not to mention he never offers to drive at lunch either.
Mark: Yep, that's me in a nutshell. But I have some redeeming qualities... for example, I never hesitate to hold the door open for an elderly midget at my local adult book store, the Porn 'o Plenty.