Katie Couric: OK, we're back. Welcome to Today on a chilly Friday, December 22, 2000. The top story continues to be the occupation of the Sunsfear by escaped convict Brian Hamby in Knoxville, Tennessee. We're going there now where Today show correspondent David Gregory has been covering the event this morning. David, what are the latest developments?

David Gregory: Yes, Katie, I'm here at...

Katie: Wait a minute... where's the graphic?

 

(silence)

 

Katie: I SAID... WHERE'S THE GRAPH.....

Katie: OK, David... go ahead...

David Gregory: Well, Katie. It's now an unbearable and humid 97 degrees, as Hamby continues to taunt law enforcement authorites and refuses to come down from atop the Sunsphere. His motives are still yet unknown as he has not offered any clues as to why he is up there to begin with, what his demands may be, or what it will take to end this siege peacefully and without further incident.

Ann Curry (mocking Katie): Is there any reports of bodies recovered? What is the condition of the oceanliner? Have the Intergalactic Space Patrol discovered any body parts in the rings of Saturn? Do I look fat in these pants? Does my hair look like a tangled mop of...

Katie: OK, that's it!!! TAKE HER TO THE PUNISHMENT CHAIR, BOYS!!!

Ann: No, not the chair!!! Katie, no, NO!!!

Matt Lauer: I hate that chair.

Katie: Shut up, twinkle-toes... turn it up to 11, boys!

Ann: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Katie: (pleased ) SWEET!!!

Ann: Nnnnoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Katie: Where was I? Oh yeah... David, there are reports that there is strong support in favor of Hamby among the public there. Any information on that?

David Gregory: Yes, Katie. There is a spirit of civil disobedience in the air in Knoxville as people are in favor of Hamby's purpose, whatever that may be. Quick-thinking vendors are selling t-shirts that read "Go, Brian, Go!" The public has been active in protesting and taunting local police and federal agents to show their support. In addition to all that, a makeshift stage has been constructed near the base of the Sunsphere and a concert featuring musical entertainment and activist speakers is currently in progress.

David Gregory: Appearing earlier were The Grandmothers, making a plea to government authorites to let them take grandson Brian back with them to their homeland.

Katie: Let's hear some of the concert going on there.

David Gregory: All right, Katie. I believe singer Lara Fabian is performing at this moment...

Ohhhh, there is a man, a man of love, so very high above... He fights for peace for all mankind, and wears a velvet glove... This man of love, he fights for us, we of varied race and creed... We bring him gifts of donuts, booze, pornography and weed... Come down, oh Brian, from your lofty sphere of gold... Descend my lovely angel, unto my trembling arms to hold... We join you in your struggle, across the land and sea... You hold the ladies captive with your headband of ecstasy... Come down, Brian, and end your endless journey... Come to me, precious white child, or tis body bag or gurney...

David Gregory: Katie, there seems to be some movement on top of the Sunsphere. Wait... yes... the music seems to have gotten Hamby's attention. Let's zoom in with the telephoto and see what...

David Gregory: The lyrics may be having an effect on Hamby... he looks as though he actually may be moved emotionally by it... wait... he's got something in his hand... oh no... it's PINK!!!...

David Gregory: Oh my Lord, Hamby just panty bombed the stage!!!

Katie: WHAT???

David Gregory: Oh... geez... it's all... people are running everywhere... it's chaos...

Katie: WAS ANYBODY KILLED???

David Gregory: I can't... I can't tell... the pink smoke is so thick... hold on... Hamby seems to be gesturing something...

Katie: Oh, my!!!

David Gregory: I can't hardly describe the panic around me...hold on...

Katie: Do we have a body count yet?...

David Gregory: Katie, police are springing into action. It seems that their patience has run out with this situation... wait...

David Gregory: Something's going to happen... I can't see what... the police...

Katie: David, Al Roker wants to know if there are any concession stands selling Belgian Waffles there...

David Gregory: No... yes... I think... WHAT???

Katie: BELGIAN WAFFLES...DO THEY HAVE THEM???

David Gregory: Katie, the police have dispatched a helicopter to the scene... it's nearing the Sunsphere...

Katie: I don't think they do, Al.

Al: Damn. Ask him if he can bring me back one of those t-shirts, size XXXL...

David Gregory: The police helicopter is hovering near the top of the Sunsphere... we can hear a loudspeaker... yes, the police are demanding that Hamby surrender himself...

Katie: David, can you bring Al back a t-shirt?...

Al: Size XXXL... tell him.

David Gregory: Oh geez...this is incredible, Katie... Hamby has opened fire on the police helicopter... it's taking a lot of hits... up to this point no one was aware that Hamby was armed...

Matt: I flew in a helicopter once. It was cool.

David Gregory: Hold on... the helicopter has backed off some... Hamby has stopped firing... maybe he is considering surren...

Katie: Shut up Matt, or you're next after Curry...

David Gregory: No, no, no.... Hamby has another pink panty bomb!!!!

David Gregory: Hamby has...whoa... the helicopter has taken a direct hit... the pilot has lost control of the aircraft...

David Gregory: THE HELICOPTER HAS STRUCK THE SUNSPHERE AND EXPLODED!!!

David Gregory: THERE IS A FIGURE FALLING OFF THE TOP FROM THE IMPACT... IT'S HAMBY!!!

Al: What about my t-shirt?

David Gregory: Oh, I can't believe... this is unreal... OH, THE HUMIDITY!!!!! I can't bear to watch the...it's so...oh, I've soiled myself...

Katie: Well, this is quite unbelievable... however, we have to break away briefly for a few messages from our sponsors. We'll be back with Today and more coverage on this incredible event in a moment...

Matt: Yeah, we gotsta pay them bills...

 

(long silence)

 

Ann: Kkkkkkatieeeee, pppppleeeeasssse tttttturrnnn it offfffffff..... I cccccan't ttttake mmmmuch mmmmmore!!!!!!!......

Katie: Shut up.

(cut to commercial)