Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
Sent: Thursday, January18, 2001 4:41 PM
To: Brian, Mark, Teresa
Subject: Christmas Lights
Tonya: Has anyone else noticed that a lot of people (including the city of Oak Ridge) still have Christmas lights up? I have even seen a few (including the city of Oak Ridge) that are still turning them on. Come on people, Christmas is over and has been over for almost a month now! I guess they will finally get around to taking them down when it's time for the Easter eggs to go on the trees. Man, I'm glad Easter is early this year!
Brian: Tonya, I asked everyone and the City of Oak Ridge to keep them up to remind you to send me my damn Christmas card. No pressure, though.
Mark: Everyday is Christmas in Oak Ridge, you mothers.
Tonya: Well I think I can speak for everyone when I say, "Merry *&%#ing Christmas to you too, Mark."
Mark: You know, you wouldn't be so irritable if you'd stop inhaling kitty litter fumes.
Tonya: Its not so much the kitty litter as it is the rock salt. I just can't get enough of that rock salt with my margaritas.
Mark: Well, I wasn't going to mention your alcoholism, but since you brought it up... ever since they stopped letting you wear one of those beer holder-drinking hats at work, we've noticed you've been crankier than usual.
Tonya: It pissed me off more when they took away my keg refrigerator, funnel and Mighty Morphin Power Ranger fuzzy slippers.
Mark: You've still got your Jumbo Jumpin' Jesus hip flask don't you?
Please don't tell me they confiscated that, too...
Tonya: Nah...it is still safe with me. They were eyeballing it during the last safety walk-thru, but I tipped them off to a couple of 110 volt outlets that had been rewired to 111 in the office next door so they left me alone.
Mark: 110, 111... whatever it takes.
Brian: That's a great line, what movie is it from? And no, it's not worth anything to me to know. Jeez.
Mark: It's not the exact line, but it's from Mr. Mom with Michael Keaton.
Brian: Yeah, that's it. That's the one where he's working in the morgue with Henry Winkler.
Mark: No, no, no. That was Night Shaft.
Brian: Night Shaft or Night Shift? Besides, I think that was the movie that had the song with the line 'Just talkin' 'bout Shift?'
Mark: It was Night Shift. Night Shaft was a porno film I rented recently. My mistake.
Brian: So that's why it was out. Damn it, Mark... could you stay out of Porn O' Plenty one night a week and try Blockbuster for a freaking change?
Mark: I gotsta have my porno.
You might be in for a wait if you're wanting to rent Night Shaft. The kids were watching it and freeze framed, rewound, and slow-motioned the dwarf scene over and over so much that the tape broke. So, Porn O' Plenty is having to reorder a copy. Might I suggest a favorite of mine, BoobFest '97, to tide you over in the meantime? I think they have three or four copies of that one.
Brian: Well, in that case, forget it because I don't care how much Tonya and Teresa raved about it over and over and over, I'm not renting Naked Dwarfs In Toyland again. If you've seen one naked dwarf you've seen them all.
Mark: You should check out its sequel, Naked Dwarfs in Boyland. It's a much better film. I also recommend "Pleasure Pump" and "The Bedbusters."
Brian: Only if they've got it in the widescreen version. You miss a lot and can't keep up with the plot.
Mark: Oh, they have widescreen versions, all right.
Brian: And what's with that guy at the counter? Every time you rent something he asks if you've seen his Explorer. What the hell's that got to do with anything? I don't pay any attention to what's parked out front and it's none of his business anyway.
Mark: I don't think he's talking about his car.
Brian: Oh. Uh oh. I told him I'd be glad to take a look at it some time and maybe go for a ride. WELL, DAMMIT, I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE POLITE.
Tonya: Ahh, young grasshopper...once must experience the power and beauty of one's Explorer for oneself. One cannot verbally express the essence of one's Explorer.
Brian: Yeah, I think I'm starting to realize that. And that I can't go back to the Porn O' Plenty ever again when Wayne's on duty.
Mark: Wayne pulls that joke on everybody. It's just his way of being friendly.
Brian: Really. Well, to hell with Wayne and the Explorer he road in on.
Mark: Wait a minute... were you dressed as a woman when this happened?