Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...

Tehm

 

Sent: Monday, August 19, 2002 1:49 PM
From: Brian
To: Tonya, Teresa, Mark
Subject: If you hadn't noticed

 

 

Brian:

News About Beer

"Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned." Ê

 

Mark: That's Canadians for you.

 

Teresa:

More about Beer and hormones

"It has been confirmed that beer actually contains small traces of MALE hormones NOT female hormones. To prove this theory, the scientists fed 100 women 12 pints of beer and observed that these women became obsessed with sex but fell asleep long before they could please their partners."

 

Brian: That hurt, Teresa.

 

Teresa: You'll live.Ê I promise.

 

Tonya: Hamby, I hope you're hiding under you desk right now.Ê Teresa has summons the goddesses and they are getting fired up to smite your ass!

 

Brian: Will there be any foreplay involved before the smiting? I'm smitten alot easier that way. Just so they'll know.

 

(long pause)

 

Brian: Guess I shut tehm up, huh Mark? Mark?

 

Tonya: Who's tehm?

 

Brian: It's a new word. Dammit Tonya, do I have to explain everything?

 

Tonya: Oh ok, so how exactly did you shut "tehm" up?

 

Brian: Mark, jump in here anytime, I'm losing.

 

Mark: TEHM is an acronym for Mothers Against Drunk Terrorists.

 

Brian: I just hope Tonya, Teresa and the Smite Goddesses are as dumb as you think they are to buy that.

 

Mark: You ask for my help, I give it to you. Asked and answered. Why don't you think of something better yourself? I've got my own problems to think about. The damn roof has blown off the building and the staff is littered all over "the habitat" out back, plus, the geese are flying into the windows and leaving unsightly smudges on the glass.

Plus, my tummy's upset.

 

Brian: Looks like you got smited instead of me. I knew I was innocent.

 

Mark: Yeah, you really showed tehm.

Jackass.

 

Mark:

 

Tonya: Call out the MIB.Ê We've just been invaded.

 

Brian: I'm much prettier than your average alien.

Don't even say a word

 

Mark: Maybe... but you smell bad.

 

Mark: REAL bad.

 

Brian: What did I say? Did I say say a bunch of words? NO, I DON'T THINK I DID.

Anyway, Mark, we need to update that outdated picture of me. I had my eyebrows trimmed and bought a new set of tires and don't look that way anymore. I've enclosed a recent picture of me. Please delete the old ones. Thanks. Ê

 

Mark: Which one is you?

 

Brian: What would you do without a straight man...

 

(silence)

 

Brian: Leave my new picture alone, Mark.

DO NOT OPEN IT IN PHOTOSHOP AND MESS WITH IT. OBEY ME. OBEY ME NOW.

 

Mark: You're too slow.

 

Brian: DAMN YOU.

 

Mark: You should know better by now, idiot.