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Sent: Friday, April 19, 2002 2:29 PM
Subject: Story time
Mark: Tell me a story about Jesus.
Brian: Jesus was a Troglodite who led the Phillipinos to the Wholly lands after Condom and Gonorrhea ran out of beer. After they got there, the Phallicstines decided they didn't like Jesus and had the Roamins cruisinate him. Jesus said "screw this shit" and came back to life and started His own successful sign company called 'Jesus Saves' (He also went on to paint the See Rock City barns also).
Mark: Thanks, but what about the little drummer boy that slew the giant fisherman? You left him out. Plus, what about the part where Jesus threw the vending machines out of the temple?
Brian: Those scriptures were removed from the King James version so as not to cause offense to fisherman and vending machine companies. Besides, the little drummer boy slew Spartacus, not a giant fisherman. The giant fisherman was slewn by accident while he was trolling for croppy in the Red Sea and Moses came by and parted it.
Mark: What does the King Johnny version say about Jesus? Was He nice to the she-males and midget carpet layers? What did Jesus have in His pockets? Was Jesus a cheap tipper?
Brian: The King Johnny version doesn't contain references to Jesus because it only deals with Allah Mohammed and the true creation of Pittsburgh Paints. And Jesus didn't have pockets due to the commandment 'Thou shall not stand around and loiter'. The she-males and midget carpet cleaners didn't make it out of Gonorrhea when God destroyed it because the Gonorrheaites had gone and invented the first Taco Bell. It's been rumored that at the Last Supper Jesus tipped the waitress ten Dracmas. But this has never been confirmed.
Mark: I heard that Jesus invented the Salad Shooter. Is this true? Also, where does Jesus live now? Is He near the beach? I like Jesus. Do you think He likes me?
Brian: Look Timmy, I know what you're up to and I'm not telling you about Adam and Eve again so don't even think about it.
Mark: Just answer the damn questions or I'll tell the Arch Bishop about that "puppet show" you gave the kids last summer.
Brian: Talk to the Arch Bishop and you won't go to Heaven and be with Jesus, you little brat.
Mark: Do I detect a threat?
Brian: Let's just call it a prophecy.