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Slippery Lesbians

 

Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2005 10:40 AM
From: Mark
To: Connie; Brian
Subject: Lunch

Mark: Are you two starting to get hungry?

 

Brian: Yo.

 

Mark: You don't have to get smart about it.

I have feelings too, you know.

 

Brian: I simply meant 'Yo' as in 'Thanks you for asking because I am getting an appetite and looking forward to lunch.'

 

Mark: Okay, but why didn't you say so in the first place?

 

Brian: I forgot that you aren't multi-cultural linguistically enabled.

 

Mark: If I can get a word in edgewise, blabbermouth, you'll notice that we have a problem. Connie is missing. This might affect the lunch plans if we can't locate her.

Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do... somebody please help me... I can't take any more of this.

 

Brian: We'll just have to meet without her. I get a little sick of her rubbing it in our faces about how much prettier she is than us anyway.

 

Connie: I am in payroll, scary huh?  Gosh, I knew Brian loved me, now you!  I am feeling a little Narcissistic ....

 

Mark: Really? You really feel that way?

I wish I knew what that meant.

 

Connie: It kind of itches a little.

 

Mark: Brian, this is your area of expertise.

Bring it home, son.

 

Connie: That one was too easy, Brian is better than that!

 

Mark: BRING IT HOME, SON.

Okay, it's about time to roll out... what's the driving arrangements? Brian, it's on your way... why don't you pick Connie and me up and we all ride together?

 

Connie: I blew at him yesterday and he did not even look over.....   :(

 

Mark: That's the new attitude he's trying out.

He got it off eBay.

( L U N C H )

Connie: Lunch was good.  I talked a lot and I laughed really loud...ha..

 

Brian: Yes, lunch was good. Let's plan to do it again next year.

 

Connie: Be nice.

 

Brian: Nu-uh. I didn't get this attitude off e-bay for nothing.

 

Connie: Was it Longmire, cause he doesn't have to go with us next time...

 

Brian: Of course. He's always ordering the pie pan lasagna and disgusting me out.

 

Connie: Did you see how we offered him food, but he did not offer us any?  Did you see that?

 

Brian: He could have at least taken part of it with him like we did. Simple common courtesy.

 

Connie: Table manners, next time you sit across from him.

 

Mark: I can hear you all, you know.

 

Connie: And he is a girl!

Mark: Am not! And I can prove it... just barely.

Connie, where were you? We thought we had lost you. Don't ever do that to us again.

 

Connie: By the way, your not wearing your coat tied around your waist are you? (refers to this tale)

 

Mark: Not yet... but it's still early.

 

Brian: People that have been to San Francisco think that's cool. You'll see.

 

Mark: It's their diet of avocados, I think. I mean, that's why they wear the coats around the waist in California.

 

Connie: I will hold my breath, when I get there I mean.  Not the whole time, just around those ones.

 

Brian: I was wondering, when you got to San Francisco, can you bring me back a lesbian? Mark wasn't sure how to approach them, and for several reasons I think you'll have a better chance. I know what you're thinking, but I just want someone to cook for, give back rubs to and have meaningful conversations without all that sex stuff.

Stop laughing, I'm serious.

 

Connie: Do you have a card?  I can give them a card.  Does it matter if they are manly or womanly.  Dogs...I just realized you just described Bert!  ha

And it ain't funny.

 

Mark: It's not like I didn't try. I approached them from the side, diagonally, from behind (that REALLY didn't work), and using a deaf mute card similar to Brian's.

After repeated kicks to the groin, I evenutally gave up.

 

Connie: Did you scream?  That had to hurt.  By the way, does the deaf mute card usually work?  Did you see how I open the door for BH when I saw that card?

 

Mark: Hell yes, I screamed... except when I used the deaf mute card. But there's screaming going on all the time in San Francisco, so my screaming didn't get noticed... except once when this oriental woman noticed my Southern accent and asked me if I was from South Dakota.

 

Brian: You never play the deaf card unless you're sincere.

 

Connie: I have never met anyone more sincere.

 

Mark: Brian put the sin in sincere.

 

Connie: I wondered who did that!

 

Mark: But I take credit for putting the turd in Saturday.

 

Connie:   That's a bunch of crap, you did not.

 

Brian: And he added Sat because they kind of relate together.

 

Connie: Hee,hee.

 

Brian: Thanks, I just made that up.

 

Connie: I know, you are sincere and funny.

 

Brian: Would now be a good time to ask you to marry me? We'd still have to get the lesbian but we could take turns doing laundry and that kind of stuff.

 

Connie: Sure, I always said and Bert knows, if you are availble, you are next.  And you can't do "take backs."

 

Brian: The tux is in the closet.

 

Mark: Along with you.

 

Brian: Confidentiality is not your strong point, Mark.

 

Mark: Sorry... you f***ed up, you trusted me.

 

Brian: There's only two ** in f**ed, Mark.

 

Mark: That's what YOU think.

 

Connie: Even though you know that I have the Narsasism, or whatever it is.

 

Mark: I'm not a Nazi but Brian is.

At his house, he has this diorama that he built of a Nazi concentration camp, only he used Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars instead of figures representing the Jews. Yeah, it's weird looking seeing German soldiers leading little cars to the ovens, but the hate is there, my friend. Oh yes, the hate is there.

 

Connie: BH is sincere and funny.  So I guess he laughed the whole time, that is little sick.

 

Mark: Yeah, he laughed. HE LAUGHED HIS F***ING GUTS OUT... OR UP... I'M NOT SURE WHICH, BUT HE WAS LAUGHING MIGHTY F***ING HARD.

 

Brian: Narsasicism Mark, Nar-sasi-cism. And they're not Hot Wheels, they're Tonkas.

 

Connie: That right, cause BH is a boy.

 

Brian: What else can you expect from a man that can't get a lesbian.

 

Mark: That's not fair. You've seen the videos and know how slippery they are.

 

Brian: Yes, they're slippery. But anything worth having is worth working for.

 

Mark: Brian, I hope you know that Connie is relaying all of this to the company's sisterhood e-mail hotline.

 

Connie: Just the highlights, sista!

 

Brian: That crew could use a little education in what it's really like out in the Hood.

 

Connie: I love a tough-talking man!  "The Hood."

 

Mark: "I'll pop a cap in yo ass!"

Do you love me now?

 

Brian: Try being more sincere Mark. Connie can see right through that.

 

Mark: Nah... I'm giving up. This is just not my Summer of Love, that's all.

 

Connie: Mark, cook for Brian this weekend.  Make sure he eats well and you two try to be nice to each other and don't use words with **** in them.

Ya'll Have a good weekend!

 

Mark: Oh, it's on now.

 

Brian: Have a good weekend means she's shutting down her computer and leaving. We lost her signal, and if we're going to grill out this weekend I don't want to talk to just you anymore.

 

Mark: I understand.