Mark: The feeling is mutual.
Leave me alone.
Brian: Why are you sick of me? What the hell did I do? I think that was uncalled for.
Mark: I think you know what I was referring to, Mr. Innocence.
Brian: Hey, don't try to dump that bullshit on me. You said all I had to do was hold the door open.
Mark: You seem to forget about the comatose midget, the flaming bucket of rubber cement, the ruined hedges, and that poor defenseless Ethiopian woman in the overturned Miata...
Brian: Okay, but I'm not the one who told the midget to let Muhamma drive while you showed him how to sniff cement using a Playskool® bong. I told you we needed our own car.
Mark: What are you getting at? Is this about my leather handbag fetish?
Brian: That's part of it. It's more than that. I'm tired of finding the neighbor's kids in the dryer and having to make up excuses for what YOU do. And we're never going to get a date while barhopping if you insist on wearing a Willie Nelson wig and bandana and singing "To All the Girls I've Loved Before" every time a couple of chicks look our way. Or the good cop/bad cop routine. That hasn't ever worked.
Mark: Well, at least I didn't come up with that unfortunate "potato in the pants" trick to attract women. I told you to put it in the FRONT of your pants.
Brian: Okay, okay. Wanna try our Sean Connery imitation routines tonight? That worked once on those women in wheelchairs.
Mark: Yeah, OK, but remember this time... Sean Connery doesn't speak with a Japanese accent. You came off sounding like Jerry Lewis the last time we went out. Yeah, it was cute for a while until the bouncers arrived.
Brian: Meet you at Cotton Eye Joe's around 7:00. Don't forget the potatoes. And for God's sake don't tell the bartender "this vintage is all wrong" again.
Mark: I never said that. What I said was "my friend here has a pack of Vantages in his thong."
Brian: Sorry, everything was hazy until I woke up in the emergency room.
Mark: That's better than where I woke up. Those shallow graves sure are cold and wet.
Brian: On second thought, I think I'll stay home tonight... I have some sympathy cards I need to reply to.
Mark: You do that. And tell everyone that all attempts on my life have failed and, yes, I am still very much alive.
Now, leave me alone.
