Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
The Church of the Living Leg
Sent: Friday, April 25, 1997 11:14 AM
To: All employees
Subject: Please give til it hurts... not til it's aching, but til it's bleeding
Mark: Members of my church, Unity Jehovah's Church of the Living Leg (a small church in Knoxville), are going on a week-long mission trip next month to a trailer park where one of our fellow employees, Brian Hamby, lives. We will be building a home for him. This area is very impoverished (if you make 35 cents an hour, you are considered very fortunate). Each individual is paying his/her own expenses, but the return benefit of blessings will be worth it.
Brian's trailer (7' x 12') that his family of seventeen is living in is on the side of a hill composed of radioactive boulders. The trailer actually sways from side to side when there is a swift breeze. There is no electricity or indoor plumbing, and the refrigerator sits outside, hooked to an extension cord (from a neighbor). If the temperature gets above 60 degrees, it is no longer able to keep food or human organs fresh.
If you have anything that you could donate: sheets, blankets, towels, household items, children's clothing (all sizes), condoms (all sizes), beer, long distance calling cards, NASCAR memorabilia, whipped cream, used radiators, and money to help sponsor the trip (make cashier's check payable to Mark Longmire), please let me know and I will make arrangements to pick it up. I will not be going on this trip, but my two teenage girlfriends are, and I want to do all I can to contribute to this need. Thank you in advance for your help and please keep Brian and our church in your prayers.
Brian: Won't you please help me? I'm trying to get my specialized degree in Sally Struthers... uh, I mean in accounting, bookkeeping, or computer science.
And instead of sheets and blankets, could you donate a couple of teddies for Mark's teenage girlfriends (God bless you, brother Mark), preferably in pink or black?
Mark: Amen, brother Brian, amen. Word to the mother.
Also, everyone, Brian is running low on explosive materials needed for bomb construction to continue his ministry of love to cleanse this great country of greedy capitalistic industrialists.
I salute you, Mr. Red, White, and Blue.
He also needs some toilet paper.
Brian: By the way, I got the plans for my new house back from the firm of Sly, Stein, and Stymied and they only have the house plan covering 5000 sq. ft. instead of the 5500 that you and your church promised. Could I get them to put in a hot tub on the third floor to cover the difference? I mean, just so I could store the pork fat in it during the winter to make hard tack? Thanks.
Mark: Brian, due to the church's limited funds, we had to reduce the proposed square footage of your home. The reduction has affected some features of your home such as: the exercise room has now been changed to a exercise closet, and the wet bar has been modified to become a wet shelf.
Plus, your proposed "pleasure room" is out of the picture now.
Brian: Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do. Why couldn't we get rid of the kitchen and put the pleasure room in there? Boy, you high paid liberal do-gooders are always taking over the little man, aren't ya? You said that I could have any size house I wanted after the donations came in and you took your 50%. What have you been doing while I've been out looking for furniture? Who's out drumming up sympathy?
I just want enough room to provide for my family and lead a simple life and you're already chopping up my dream, aren't ya? IT'S NOT LIKE I ASKED FOR A STUDY OR A GUEST HOUSE, OR ANYTHING!!! SHEESH!!!
Mark: It is unfortunate that you have taken this attitude toward our generosity. The congregation of the Unity Jehovah's Church of the Living Leg ( a small church in Knoxville) have no choice now but to withdraw our offer of love to build the proposed home for you. You have crossed the line from needy to greedy. Also, during the course of our home planning for you, several of the church's female members have complained to me about your constant sexual advances toward them. "Hey, baby, turn on your sex light!" is not an acceptable way to address them. Also, some of the male members have complained of your continuous threats to "kick their #@%damn asses." We're sorry, Brian, but we cannot work with you any more in this endeavor. However, in the true spirit of the Living Leg, we wish you a happy, healthy, and prosperous life, you filthy scum.
Brian: That's all right, that's all right. I don't need this crap, man. I don't need this pressure, Mr. Church Man. I'm going back out to the streets where my freedom and creativity aren't oppressed. If you want me, man, I be at the corner of Mission and Serenity, across from the Unity Jehovah's Church of the Living Leg ( a small church in Knoxville). That's where I'll be.
Mark: ...and the police will be there to meet you and smite you, I said smite you, with the mighty wrath of the Living Leg.
And by the way,,, nobody wants you, trailer man.