Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...

Brian's Needs

From: Facilities Management
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2004 1:31 PM
To: All employees
Subject: HVAC System Replacement Project Schedule

 

The pre-construction meeting with Schaeffer Builders was held today. Schaeffer was asked again to ensure that all desks, etc. are covered when working in offices.  Make sure all confidential items are locked up.  Also, ask your workgroup not to engage the Schaeffer craftsmen in conversation. Please have all questions and concerns funneled through Bob in Facilities. Bob will keep you informed of the work status and funnel responses back through you.  Let me know if I can provide additional assistance anytime during the course of the project. Thanks.

 

Mark: Lots of funneling planned... but not through the elite Schaeffer craftsmen. No sir... they are not to be bothered.

 

Connie: Do not engage them in conversation.  Well, you probably do not even speak Schaeffer craftsmen, and I really think Charlene does.  I used to work at Witt Bldg Material, I bet I could talk to them.

 

Brian: Throughout this rough period try to remember it takes a village to replace an HVAC system.Group hug everybody.

 

Mark: Rain check.

 

Connie: Fine, he wants to hug you by himself.  Isn't that sweet.  Watch his hands, Kristen.

 

Mark: I'm not a hugger.

 

Kristen: Only to Brian you are!

 

Mark: Go back into sleeper mode, Kristen. Thanks in advance.

 

Kristen: Some of us have to work, Gay Boy!

 

Mark: That's Gay MAN to you, Lesbo.

 

Kristen: Dream on!  Connie, I think he's figured us out!!!

 

Brian: None of my needs are being met in this conversation.

 

Kristen: Get out your Vibr-O-ater!!

 

Mark: A lot of people have told me that they think Kristen is a Lesbo, but I just tell them that can't be... she's too ugly to be one.

 

Kristen: You just wish I were one so you could watch!

 

Mark: Those are Brian's needs, not mine.

Now, if you were a midget....

 

Kristen: Sounds like a Springer show to me!

 

Mark: Shut up.

 

Kristen: You want the truth.....YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

 

Mark: Don't make me come over there and knock you in the head with my Violence in the Workplace manual.

 

Brian: Did you know that the word comes from the Isle of Lesbos where the poet Sappho lived and was their Queen? She was originally one of the Marx brothers but that didn't make any sense so they fired her and she bought an island and made limericks for what is now known as Oscar Myer Wieners. Ironic, isn't it?

 

Mark: Like I was saying... don't make me come over there and knock you in the head with my Violence in the Workplace manual.

 

Connie: You disgust me.

 

Mark: Actually, I take that as a compliment. It lets me know that I'm doing a good job.

 

Connie: What I meant to say is, you smell bad.  Sorry, I misspoke earlier.

 

Mark: Still... I reign supreme.

Sorry.... I just realized that we haven't met Brian's needs yet.

 

Brian: Between the three of you I can see that's not going to happen.

 

Connie: Sorry, Brian, I am booked up, but you are at the top of my list.

 

Mark: Brian, what exactly are your needs? And why aren't you, at your age, a little more self sufficient and not so needy?

 

Brian:

My Needs:

1. More tartar sauce on McDonald's filet-o-fish.
2. Bigger tonsils.
3. Reusable ticket stub.
4. Al's liquor home delivery.
5. My own personal interstate.
6. Be able to boogie.
7. Squeezeable salt containers.
8. A remote for the toilet paper dispenser.
9. A2 sauce (improved!).
10. Memories splashed across the pages just like wine.
11. Non-painful discharges.
12. Rock and Roll and Hoochee coo.
13. A '60 Minutes' special where I get to be Andy Rooney.
14. The '80s back.
15. The Netherlands.
16. Somebody who speaks English on the other end of the line.
17. 'Twister' game repair kit.
18. Me, a ball bat, and five minutes alone with Barbara Streisand.
19. Nobody's baby.
20. Two to three more inches.

 

Mark: Connie, I noticed you weren't on the list.

Oh, wait a minute... he mentioned you in # 11.

 

Connie: You smell bad.

 

Mark: You need to go to church.

 

Connie: And the more I talk to you the more I know I need cleansing.

 

Mark: Start with your huge head. Then do the rest of your body if you have any soap left.

 

Brian: Why are you dating and I'm not?

 

Mark: There's not enough e-mail space in the universe to run that list of reasons.

 

Brian: In that case just give me the top three.

 

Mark:

1. I like women.
2. Women like me.
3. I'm not afraid to cry.

 

Connie: I hope to accomplish that last one, smelly.

 

Mark: Why?

 

Connie: For fun.

 

Mark: Well, good luck crying for fun, weirdo.

 

Connie: You are gonna cry, dummy, and I am going to have fun watching.

 

Mark: Go see The Passion of the Christ. I think you'd have fun watching that, too.