Hey buddy, everybody's got little things that irritate, aggravate, and bother them, and I'm no exception. I consider myself to be a fairly normal kind of guy without a lot of gripes and complaints, but the following pet peeves are things that are really annoying. Besides the pet peeves are things that I've noticed that are kind of strange. Please allow me to let off some steam here, folks. Take a few minutes to peruse these examples, and see if you are in agreement with me...
Beep beep, knock knock, ... Question!
In George Carlin's book, Brain Droppings, he mentions two annoying things that coworkers do around the office: saying "beep beep" instead of "excuse me" when they need to get by you, and "knock knock" to announce themselves at your office door. I would like to add to those by mentioning people that come to your office or stop you in the hall and bark "Question!" instead of "can I ask you a question?" After the question is asked, how should the recipient of "Question!" respond?... by yelling back "Answer!,"? or maybe "Reply!"? Or how about these responses:
"Short reflective pause!"
or better yet... "Slam door in face!"
In reference to the above mentioned "beep beep," I recently encountered a strange man at the grocery store that took that cute little phrase a step further. As I was leaving the checkout counter with my grocery cart full of treasures, there were two big mud-spattered idiots (there's a lot of those in Knoxville) just standing in the way of the exit. Another guy had just entered the store with an empty cart to start his shopping, and these two big idiots were in his way also. The guy with the empty cart says to the two big idiots, "beep beep, roadrunner!" I guess he was referring to the famous Roadrunner cartoons. I found myself saying "beep beep, roadrunner" for days afterward. I would start every spoken sentence with it, say it when I ordered meals at restaurants, and say it when I answered the phone. After alienating all my friends and family, I finally had to seek professional help in Guatemala to rid my mind of the phrase.
Yodeling... STOP IT!
From time to time, I will see a variety show or a music award show on TV, and there will always be singers on that have a certain style of singing that makes me want to strangle them. What I'm talking about is this way some singers will go up and down the whole musical scale while on a single word or note of the song. The closest word to describe it is yodeling. Notorious for this are singers like Whitney Houston, Boys II Men (and a LOT of those 4-guy groups), Mariah Carey, Patti Labelle, etc. I don't know what they're trying to prove, but it appears that they can't hold a single note for a prolonged amount of time, so they get fancy to cover up for their lack of vocal talent. What it ends up sounding like is a bunch of noise. It usually happens (but not always) at the end of a song. If two singers are involved, it sounds like a duo of noise, like a perverted version of "Dueling Banjos" from the film Deliverance. You say to yourself: end it... END IT... FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, END IT!!!! Sometimes it goes on for so long that you can go into the kitchen, make a sandwich, come back and the song is not over yet.
Garth Brooks... idiot.
Out of curiosity, I recently watched Garth Brooks' NBC TV special "Ireland and Back." Man, what is wrong with that guy? He acts like a moron. The guy looks like he should be working in a hardware store or driving a bread truck. When he's not acting like he's in some kind of sublime introspective trance during some slow song with really "deep" meaning, he's trying to be some sort of wild-ass rock star in a cowboy suit. Have you ever felt embarassed for someone who's making a fool of themself? Even when they're on TV? You put your head down in shame, unable to watch? I felt this way for poor stupid Garth. He runs around the stage with this wide-eyed maniac look while screaming rapid-fire lyrics that are unintelligible. My 12 year old son even commented "Gosh, it just goes on and on, doesn't it?" At one point in the concert, Brooks lets loose with two bottles of water and douses the back of his fiddle player. If I was that fiddle player, I would have taken my bow and severed Garth Brooks' jugular on the spot for doing that to me in front of thousands of people. Also during the Dublin, Ireland concert, he gets down close to audience level and ends up being transported on his back through the crowd by their fingertips. I was hoping that further back in the crowd, the sea of people would part to reveal an eight foot wild-haired Irishman standing there with his pants down around his ankles, grunting "Bring him to me." Cut to commercial as Garth screams.
TV Weathermen and White Stuff
Why do TV weathermen (or should I say weatherpersons) actually think that they're responsible for the weather and can manipulate it? They do. On your local news, the anchor usually asks the weatherman "Hey Matt, how about some sunshine tomorrow?" and the weatherman replies "We'll see what we can do!" as if they have control over it. When nice weather is predicted, the news anchor says "Sounds great! Good job! Thanks, Matt!" And then the weatherman takes credit for the good weather, saying "No problem!" But, on the other hand, when they miss the mark with their prediction, they blame it on El Niño or "Ole Mother Nature."
Why does it take so long to give the weather news, anyway? It should take about a minute and a half. Who cares about the high pressure and the low pressure? Don't show me radar of what weather we already had today. I was there, I saw it. Don't show me the current radar unless a tornado is coming up my driveway. And I don't care where the weather is coming from or what the weather is in other places. Thunderstorms in Idaho?... that's their problem. Just tell me...quickly... what your best guess is of the weather tomorrow. OK, throw in the 5 day forecast, but make it fast. Also, what's the purpose of the weatherman making teaser ads on TV an hour before the news? Example: "Are we going to get more rain tomorrow? Find out on Eyewitness News, right after "ER."
HEY JERK, TELL ME NOW!
Why do weathermen get all cutesy and call snow "the white stuff?" Can't they just call it snow? "Well, it looks like we're going to get some white stuff tonight." "Another 3 inches of the white stuff is expected." At the start of spring, I even heard a weatherman welcoming the arrival of "the green stuff." If they insist on this lingo, why don't they call rain "the clear stuff?" Maybe they could call sunlight "the bright and shiny stuff."
One more thing... ever notice the emergency weather announcements that scroll across the bottom of your screen that interfere with the viewing of your entertainment? How many of you have cursed when this has happened while you were videotaping a program or movie? Why don't they ever do that during commercials? Because the almighty advertising dollar is more important than your personal safety, my friend. They'll mess with you while you're trying to watch The Drew Carey Show, but won't interrupt the Vagistat commercials.
Kids have pet peeves too...
My son and daughter (ages 12 and 10) told me that they have a couple of things that they can't stand at Christmas time. They are tired of the days approaching Christmas, when some adults constantly ask them "Are you ready for Santa?" If I was a kid, this question would creep me out. I would keep wondering "Why? What is he going to do to me?" After Christmas the kids are constantly bombarded with "Was Santa Claus good to you?" My son suggests answering in this way: "I don't know how to tell you this lady, but Santa ain't real. Jeez!" and walking away. Another reply is to burst into tears.
Walmart... hobble on in!
I don't about you or where you live, but seems like everytime I go into a Walmart store around here, I have noticed that I always see at least one or two shoppers with leg and/or foot injuries. People with leg braces, crutches, or those sandal things. Notice it next time you go there. It makes you wonder what happened to them. The doctor that treated them for their injuries probably told them to stay off their feet for a period of time, so they immediately head to Walmart.
Farewell to the English language...
The word "to" is used in place of "too" all the time by poor misguided fools. Example:"Are you going to vomit? Me, to!" Also the word "your" is often used as the contraction for "you are" rather than the correct "you're." Hey folks, are you taking notes here?
I went to the McDonald's drive-thru (drive-through?) once, ordered a milk shake, and was told "the milk shake machine is tore up."
I overheard someone say once "I ain't came home yet."
"He fell out of the boat and drownded."
During Christmas one year, I saw a sign at a roadside market that read "Christmas Reefs For Sale."
"He left it out in the rain and now it's ruint."
My ex-wife used to accuse me of "stupidiness."
Tragedy Plush Toys?
A couple of months ago, I was clicking through the TV channels at home, and started watching one of those shop-at-home channels. The items featured for sale at that time were Titanic mementos and keepsakes, obviously spurred on by the success of the movie. Some of the items were the ever-present collector's plate series (who the heck would display a plate picturing a ship sinking?), books, videos, CDs, etc. They even had actual chunks of the Titanic's coal for sale and also genuine stock certificates from the White Star Line. Then, they presented something for sale that made my mouth drop open in disbelief. I can't remember the exact name of the character, so let's just call it "Snowflake, the Titanic Polar Bear." They were actually selling a stuffed polar bear toy to commemorate a ship that sunk and resulted in over 1,500 lives being lost. A cute little mascot, dressed in a Titanic crew member's uniform, that you can buy in remembrance of the Titanic dead. And it being a polar bear reminds you that those poor unfortunate souls froze to death in icy waters amidst icebergs. I got to thinking...is this a new trend? Should we create cute characters to symbolize great tragedies and bad times throughout history? If so, here are some suggestions:
- Harry, the Holocaust Hound (a cute little malnourished greyhound pup, attired in a concentration camp uniform.)
- Vinnie, the Vietnam Vet (when you clap your hands, this cuddly penguin hits the deck and trembles , simulating a Vietnam flashback.)
- Hindenburg Hank (a plush blimp toy that bursts into flames when you squeeze its tummy and says "Oh, the humanity" in a funny duck voice.)
- Flat-broke Frankie (a depression-era kitty-cat dressed in raggedy clothes holding a sign that reads "Buddy, can you spare a hug?")
- Hiroshima Hanna (a precious little Japanese girl doll with radioactive burns all over her body... glows in the dark.)
- Challenger Charlie (the cutest little space shuttle astronaut you've ever seen!)
If any of these offend you, sorry, but that's the point. I'm merely pointing out the absurdity of people making and selling a mascot based on mass death.
Parking Places for the Handicapped
I, like most all of non-handicapped people, do not park in spaces designated for handicapped people and I, of course, respect the right for handicapped people to have specially marked parking spots to ease their daily lives somewhat. However, many times, I have observed persons park in these spots (even with all the proper ID stuff) emerge from their cars and walk toward their destination without any apparent handicap at all. I realize that they may have legal handicaps that I don't see or that they must have a family member that they routinely transport in this vehicle to earn this handicapped parking permit. But, in the case of the latter, I would think that you should only use this permit WHEN THE HANDICAPPED PERSON IS ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN USING THE CAR. If you're not handicapped but using a handicapped relative's or friend's vehicle and they're not with you, your status at that point is non-handicapped and you should park among the general population. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Thank you.
"Beep, beep, roadrunner."
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