Wonderful World of Longmire
by Joe Zahnen and Mark Longmire.
following is a list of informative tips to help you survive the
cold winter months and to prevent personal injury. We
offer these to you because we love you.
- Excessive vehicle
damage and personal injury can result from the tossing of
frozen skunks, possums, raccoons, squirrels, etc. The use
of frozen roadkill as decorative hood ornaments is in bad
taste, and in some states, prohibited by law.
- Please refrain
from placing lips and tongues on metallic exterior surfaces
of vehicles such as bumpers, hoods, and license plates. Although
mufflers and engine parts on a running automobile typically
do not pose a cold weather hazard, they do introduce extreme
heat complications and therefore all lip and tongue contact
should be avoided.
are not Q-tips and should not be used as such. Also,
do not jam icicles into eyes. It can impair vision and hurts
like the dickens!
- Avoid leaving
wet pets such as fish, newts, frogs, and turtles, on sidewalks
and driveways for extended periods of time.
- When swimming
in rivers and lakes, remember to use the
- If you must go
outside naked, remember to wear a hat as the head is the number
one source of heat loss in the human body.
- If your main source
of transportation is the back of a pickup truck, avoid standing
for extended periods of time.
- Although the use
of kitty litter has proven effective for automobiles in gaining
traction on slick pavement, the use of litters of kitties
has never worked, and never will.
- Travel only when
necessary. Examples of necessary travel include:
hospitalization or medical prescription needs;
- Delivery or
purchase of emergency heating fuels and staple foods such
as doughnuts, slim jims, cake frosting, beer (the sweet
juice of freedom), pork rinds, anchovy paste, Yoohoos,
and Chex Mix;
- Return of
- Check cashing;
- Having pets
neutered and/or spayed;
- Visiting the
local tattoo parlor;
- Purchase of
Beany Babies at MacDonalds;
defective kitchen appliances to Walmart.
you for your time and attention and have a safe and happy season.
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