The Wonderful World of Longmire

Winter Weather Tips
Compiled by Joe Zahnen and Mark Longmire.

The following is a list of informative tips to help you survive the cold winter months and to prevent personal injury. We offer these to you because we love you.

  • Excessive vehicle damage and personal injury can result from the tossing of frozen skunks, possums, raccoons, squirrels, etc. The use of frozen roadkill as decorative hood ornaments is in bad taste, and in some states, prohibited by law.

  • Please refrain from placing lips and tongues on metallic exterior surfaces of vehicles such as bumpers, hoods, and license plates. Although mufflers and engine parts on a running automobile typically do not pose a cold weather hazard, they do introduce extreme heat complications and therefore all lip and tongue contact should be avoided.

  • Icicles are not Q-tips and should not be used as such. Also, do not jam icicles into eyes. It can impair vision and hurts like the dickens!

  • Avoid leaving wet pets such as fish, newts, frogs, and turtles, on sidewalks and driveways for extended periods of time.

  • When swimming in rivers and lakes, remember to use the buddy system.

  • If you must go outside naked, remember to wear a hat as the head is the number one source of heat loss in the human body.

  • If your main source of transportation is the back of a pickup truck, avoid standing for extended periods of time.

  • Although the use of kitty litter has proven effective for automobiles in gaining traction on slick pavement, the use of litters of kitties has never worked, and never will.

  • Travel only when necessary. Examples of necessary travel include:
    • Emergency hospitalization or medical prescription needs;
    • Delivery or purchase of emergency heating fuels and staple foods such as doughnuts, slim jims, cake frosting, beer (the sweet juice of freedom), pork rinds, anchovy paste, Yoohoos, and Chex Mix;
    • Return of video rentals;
    • Check cashing;
    • Having pets neutered and/or spayed;
    • Visiting the local tattoo parlor;
    • Purchase of Beany Babies at MacDonalds;
    • Returning defective kitchen appliances to Walmart.

Thank you for your time and attention and have a safe and happy season.


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