The Wonderful World of Longmire

Safety Tips for Severe Weather and Tornado Conditions
Compiled by Brian Hamby, Susan Jacques, and Mark Longmire.

Some helpful hints from some of the staff here at WWoL to help keep you safe during severe weather conditions in the spring and summer months.

1. If you don't need to go out, stay in.

2. If you don't want to be in the rain, seek shelter.

3. If your car gets stuck in a flooded area, seek higher ground.

4. If you see a tornado, don't walk towards it.

5. Don't use your 6 year old to shield you from high winds.

6. If you see a tornado coming, flee to the nearest trailer park.

7. Don't yell, wave or applaud at the tornado.

8. If you are experiencing severe lightning, don't climb onto the roof to adjust the TV antenna, especially if you have cable.

9. If you're pregnant during bad weather, don't shoot heroin.

10. If your driveway has become a pond 10 feet deep or more, roll up your windows before driving towards the garage.

11. During the TV storm track alert, the yellow and red spots on the map ARE NOT interesting places to visit.

12. Do not attempt to converse with the tornado.

13. Holy water, crucifixes, wooden stakes, garlic cloves, exposure to daylight, and silver bullets do not work on tornados.

14. Also, contrary to popular belief, a tornado cannot be stopped with gunfire, flamethrowers, or archery.

15. The tornado is, despite all reports, after YOU personally.

16. The tornado will not stop for traffic lights, so look both ways before you continue at the green signal.

17. Sometimes tornados travel in packs.

18. Tornados love to eat cream horns. Cream horns remind them of themselves.

19. On the same topic of pastries, funnel clouds are not to be confused with funnel cakes.

20. The name of the tornado basketball team is the Tasmanian Devils. The female tornado basketball team is called the Lady Tasmanian Devils. Be sure you don't confuse the two teams. It makes them mad.

21. If any outside pets have been killed by severe weather conditions, do not continue to feed them.

22. In addition to staying away from windows during severe thunderstorms involving lightning, carrying a large pane of plate glass around the neighborhood during that time is also not advised.

23. Please postpone any gardening activities until after the tornado has dissipated.

24. Conducting human sacrifices during tornados is hazardous and not advised.

25. Do not attempt to retrieve your hat from tornadic winds, even if it is your favorite hat given as a Christmas present from your late Aunt Velma.

26. Former University of Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning is not a trained emergency manager or director of FEMA. We urge you not to make calls to his home for safety instructions in the event of a severe weather-related emergency. He cannot help you.

27. The approach of tornados are often preceded by the sound of the theme song from the film "Rocky." This is a natural phenomena and is quite common. During severe weather conditions, if this song is heard, seek shelter or evacuate immediately.

28. Under no circumstances throw a boomerang into an approaching tornado.

29. Tornados are attracted to wind chimes. To protect your property, remove all wind chimes from your residence. Do it now.

30. Contrary to a popular myth, they DO NOT call the wind "Mariah." Any attempt to call the wind "Mariah" could result in loss of life and property.

31. On a similar note, the popular lyric "the answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind" is, unfortunately, the cause of many storm and tornado-related deaths. Do not attempt to find "the answers" in the midst of a tornado. In all reported cases, "the answers" were not found, unless your definition of an "answer" is having your head ripped off from your neck and shoulders.

32. When approaching a flooded area of the roadway while motoring, increase to maximum speed. It's a proven scientific fact that you can "surprise" large bodies of water by driving through them before they realize what is happening, resulting in non-flooding of your vehicle.


For computer users:

Do not attempt to hook up a printer and print to a tornado.

Do not attempt to download a tornado from It will not only crash your computer but also takes up too much disk space.

Do not attempt to use a tornado to defragment your hard drive.

For fans of the Dilbert comic strip: Walk... no... run directly into the closest tornado in your vicinity.

For geeks: for your personal safety, remove all pens and pencils from your pocket protector during high winds. In addition, tie down and secure propeller on your cap.


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