I hit the Campaign Trail

Oh, man, this is an ugly page, but very patriotic-looking, I must say. Is the background making you sick yet?

I'm not into politics but I thought it would be interesting to cover the Presidential race for a while and see what happens. Well, at first I thought it would be interesting. I had planned to do much more with this page, but soon realized I had no interest in this year's lackluster campaigns or candidates.

But I did have the opportunity to meet a few of the candidates. I had my photo taken with each one of them as you will see below. The photos are scanned newspaper clippings and I apologize for the poor image quality.


Well, here I am with Vice President Al Gore.
Many have said that he is stiff and wooden-like.
I have to agree. His breath smelled like stump rot.


George W. Bush is the Republican front-runner.
Don't vote for this guy... he tried to French me.


I like this Orrin Hatch guy. He patted me on the head
and told me I was pretty.


Lamar Alexander is WEIRD. He held on to me way
too long and squeezed me too tight while repeatedly
whispering the word "caucus" in my ear.
His armed entourage had to pry me out of his sweaty grip.


Upon physical contact with former Vice President
Dan Quayle, one can sense their intelligence slipping
away, like air escaping from a tire. I felt numb and
helpless under his superior mental powers.
Don't underestimate this man.

Elizabeth Dole is a nice woman, but she seem tired and listless. I think that this could be because her husband, Bob Dole, is a raging Viagra addict who would constantly interrupt the campaign visit, howling out "Bob Dole wants love," and then drag her out of the room by her hair. This happened about 5 times an hour. Oh yeah, one more thing... Mrs. Dole smelled like macaroni and cheese for some reason.

I like this guy. The fact that Steve Forbes is a gazillionaire has nothing to do with my respect and support of him. He has a keen financial sense and has no equal when it comes to foreign affairs. He will make a great commander-in-chief because he has no fear and is respected by all branches of the military. I once saw him single-handedly fight off 20 bloodthirsty Iraqi terrorists to save a woman and her baby. He is the most qualified man for the job and also the most handsome and successful with the ladies, if you know what I mean. Okay, Steve did I get all that right? When you make out the check, remember Longmire ends in 'mire,' not 'meyer.' Thanks, babe.

Bill Bradley has created this lovable nice guy image
for himself, but don't you believe it for a minute.
This guy is a gangster. His "assistants" (composed of
former New York Knicks teammates) buried me up to my
neck in sand and threatened to release a big crate of crabs
on me until I signed a form pledging my vote for him.
Later, I saw him strangling a senior citizen with her own walker.


Pat Buchanan seemed to be an OK guy.
He was even nice enough to not make snide
comments on the fact that I was wearing a dress.


Well, that's it. Pretty bad, eh?



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