Mark Longmire Day
(also known as Mark of the Beast Day)
Knoxville drops down to its knees and thanks the Lord for sending one of His special miracles to earth as the town honors the birthday of its savior and native hero, Mark Longmire. Starting with a parade at midnight led by midget yak herders, the town celebrates all day with free room temperature beer, flaming throw pillow fights, face painting by nude clowns, and half-priced hookers. Longmire's mother, Mrs. Longmire, throws out the first waffle in the 12th annual Longmire Wacky Waffle Golf Open. Mr. Longmire himself will be guest of honor at the annual Circus of the TV Weatherpersons, held at Thompson-Boling Arena. Following the invocation and prayer, Longmire will perform a dramatic reading of the "Letters to Penthouse" column from the latest issue of that damn fine publication.
Nov. 6, all-day event, Downtown Knoxville

Election Day
The stalwart citizens of Knoxville (the usual 12% of registered voters) stagger into the polls from roadside taverns and opium dens to cast their votes for underqualified candidates running for public office, plus voting for all that other city council resolutions crap. Free Slim Jims for the kids!

Thanksgiving Day
Everyone pretty much just eats a lot of turkey, unfastens their belts and pants and falls asleep in the recliner in front of a football game on TV, while all the women talk about the bitches they hate.

Fantasy of Trees
(18th annual event)
Buttloads of tacky Christmas items and ill-advised decorating ideas for the holiday season. Promises to be even more sickening than last year.
Nov. 22-26, Knoxville Convention Center/World's Fair Park

Phantasm of Trees
Just like the event mentioned above but with flying chrome orbs equipped with razor-sharp knives and drill bits. Special appearance by "The Tall Man." This event has nothing to do with trees... the name is used just to confuse people with the Fantasy of Trees, which is a pretty weird name, too.
Nov. 22-26, Knoxville Convention Center/World's Fair Park

Fantasy of Fleas
A bonanza sale of second-hand quilts, covers, mattresses, clothing, underwear, lingerie, and pet bedding, all infested with herds of Ecuadorian fleas.
Nov. 22-26, Jacobs Building/Chilhowee Park

Fantasy of Bees
Knoxville's most demented and sadistic beekeepers unleash swarms of bees on the crowd just after they have been drenched from above by gallons of Mountain Dew. Special appearance by Sting. (Just kidding... had to use that somewhere.)
Nov. 17, Knoxville Civic Coliseum

Fantasy of Keys
This promises to be the dullest and least talked about event of the year as Knoxville's finest locksmiths gather to talk about their trade. Bring your favorite key or lock for a very long and boring explanation of its history by a strange and overenthusiastic man known as "The Keymaster."
Nov. 17-18, West High School Gymnasium

Fantasy of Sleaze
Discover the magical world of pornography as the East Tennessee's top sellers of smut convene to display products that are guaranteed to freak you out. You might want to bring some rubber gloves if you plan on touching anything.
Nov. 5, Bambi's, Alcoa Highway

Fantasy of Wheeze
Got asthma? GREAT! You won't want to miss this get-together of Knoxville's respiratory-challenged population. To be held at Wheezer's, Knoxville's only oxygen bar, located on the top floor of the Candy Factory building. The elevator's out of service, so you'll have to take the stairs.
Nov. 25, Wheezer's, Candy Factory/World's Fair Park

Fantasy of Yeast
No, this isn't a bake sale. It's a hands-on workshop and self-help seminar concerning that age-old common female ailment. Free face-painting for the kids!
Nov. 18, Cherokee Ballroom/Knoxville Hyatt Regency

Mark these events on your calendar! Please do!