Mark Longmire Day
(also known as Mark of the Beast Day)
Knoxville drops down to its knees and thanks
the Lord for sending one of His special miracles to earth as the
town honors the birthday of its savior and native hero, Mark Longmire.
Starting with a parade at midnight led by midget yak herders, the
town celebrates all day with free room temperature beer, flaming
throw pillow fights, face painting by nude clowns, and half-priced
hookers. Longmire's mother, Mrs. Longmire, throws out the first
waffle in the 12th annual Longmire Wacky Waffle Golf Open. Mr. Longmire
himself will be guest of honor at the annual Circus of the TV Weatherpersons,
held at Thompson-Boling Arena. Following the invocation and prayer,
Longmire will perform a dramatic reading of the "Letters to Penthouse"
column from the latest issue of that damn fine publication.
6, all-day event, Downtown Knoxville
The stalwart citizens of Knoxville (the usual 12% of registered
voters) stagger into the polls from roadside taverns and opium dens
to cast their votes for underqualified candidates running for public
office, plus voting for all that other city council resolutions
crap. Free Slim Jims for the kids!
pretty much just eats a lot of turkey, unfastens their belts and
pants and falls asleep in the recliner in front of a football game
on TV, while all the women talk about the bitches they hate.
(18th annual event)
Buttloads of tacky Christmas items and ill-advised decorating ideas
for the holiday season. Promises to be even more sickening than
Nov. 22-26, Knoxville Convention Center/World's
Just like the event mentioned above but with flying chrome orbs
equipped with razor-sharp knives and drill bits. Special appearance
by "The Tall Man." This event has nothing to do with trees... the
name is used just to confuse people with the Fantasy of Trees, which
is a pretty weird name, too.
22-26, Knoxville Convention Center/World's
A bonanza sale of second-hand quilts, covers, mattresses, clothing,
underwear, lingerie, and pet bedding, all infested with herds of
22-26, Jacobs Building/Chilhowee Park
Knoxville's most demented and sadistic beekeepers unleash swarms
of bees on the crowd just after they have been drenched from above
by gallons of Mountain Dew. Special appearance by Sting. (Just kidding...
had to use that somewhere.)
17, Knoxville Civic Coliseum
This promises to be the dullest and least talked about event of
the year as Knoxville's finest locksmiths gather to talk about their
trade. Bring your favorite key or lock for a very long and boring
explanation of its history by a strange and overenthusiastic man
known as "The Keymaster."
17-18, West High School Gymnasium
Discover the magical world of pornography as the East Tennessee's
top sellers of smut convene to display products that are guaranteed
to freak you out. You might want to bring some rubber gloves if
you plan on touching anything.
5, Bambi's, Alcoa Highway
Basically just a showcase of 37 year old Maurice's interests such
as Dr. Who, Star Trek, Star Wars, Hercules, and, uh... well, that's
4, Maurice's room at his parents' house,
Cumberland Estates community
Fantasy of Tease
(9th annual event)
Once again, the area's sexiest exotic dancers come out and shake their
groove things. Special return appearance by Donna and her wild 'n'
hairy bucking ass (donkey). This is not to be missed. I know I'm
18, Thompson Boling Arena
Got asthma? GREAT! You won't want to miss this get-together of Knoxville's
respiratory-challenged population. To be held at Wheezer's, Knoxville's
only oxygen bar, located on the top floor of the Candy Factory building.
The elevator's out of service, so you'll have to take the stairs.
25, Wheezer's, Candy Factory/World's
No, this isn't a bake sale. It's a hands-on workshop and self-help
seminar concerning that age-old common female ailment. Free face-painting
for the kids!
18, Cherokee Ballroom/Knoxville Hyatt
these events on your calendar! Please do!