"Oh, see how dat Sunsphere glow!"
Spring is in the air. So are my legs.

Lobsterfest Ends
The end of the popular feeding frenzy at Red Lobster ends on May 6. Better hurry if you want to participate in this glorious dining spectacle.
Call 1-800-LOBSTER for more information.

Dogwood Arts Festival Ends
Where else can you find folksy handmade crap without traveling miles away to beautiful Pigeon Forge? Picturesque Smoky Mountains scenes painted on saw blades, adorable toilet plunger cozies, University of Tennessee football accessories, and lawn art such as badly painted geese on plywood, and cute little wood-carved country folk bending over revealing their butt cracks.

3rd Annual Nad's Day in Knoxville
Knoxville says hello to spring and goodbye to unwanted body hair in a spectacle described best in the Book of Revelations. Representatives from Nad's Hair Removal System® will be touring the city touting their product's benefits and demonstrating the proper application procedure and hopefully avoiding the disastrous results of last year's event.
Everywhere there is hair.

Pat Summitt Women's Golf Tournament
The coach of the Lady Vols basketball team invites all of her manly lady friends and fans to tee off for charity. There will be a drawing for a free Nad's Hair Removal System®.
Egwani Farms

Rabies Vaccination Clinics 
Held at numerous Knox County Schools the first two weekends in May. Cost: $8 per animal, $15 for two. Special rates apply to hamsters. Note: Vaccinations are intended for animals only. Rabid humans should seek medical attention immediately from a professionally trained physician.

"Hosta La Vista, Baby" Society Plant Sale
Featuring dwarf conifers in trough gardens. Sounds kinda like porno but it ain't. Plant sales do not include marijuana, so you two guys who set up that booth last year, please don't come back.
UT Trial Gardens off Neyland Drive

Planned Parenthood Arts and Crafts Auction
Still in the planning stages. Date, time, and location yet to be determined.

Knoxville City Council Meeting
Witness the antics of the stupidest people in Knoxville. Thrill at city government in action as speakers try in vain to be heard over the din of fat white guys carrying on loud conversations while wheelin' and dealin' and exchanging envelopes of laundered money in the aisles. You will be amazed at the stupifying bad decisions being made before your very eyes. Watch with wonder as usual latecomer Mayor Victor Ashe waddles in, wearing clothes he slept in all day, and proceeds to read the sports page!
Wednesday evenings at 7:00 p.m., Main Assembly Room, City-County Building

Knox County School Year Ends
The school year ends at the end of May... for most kids. For some of the stupider ones, there's always summer school. School's out, so drive carefully... try to nail the little bastards on the first try.

31st Annual Office Furniture Parade
May is traditionally celebrated in Knoxville with a grand parade through downtown ushering in the newest line of state-of-the-art office furniture. Thrill to the sights and sounds of 21st century bookcases, credenzas, desks, conference tables, workstations, filing cabinets and chairs. All ergonomically approved for your safety and pleasure!  
May 12, 1:00 p.m., Gay Street

Living History Weekend
A recreation of 1863's Siege of Knoxville, not to be confused with 1863's Steve of Knoxville. Events include reenactments, demonstrations, exhibits, displays, lectures, and hog-callin' contest. This year, to attract more visitors, live ammunition will be used. Free balloons and face-painting for the kids. Cost: $7. Group and educational rates available. Special rates apply to hamsters.
First week of May
, Mabry-Hazen House Museum and Taxidermy Shop

Mark these events on your calendar! Please do!


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