Mission of Doom Christmas Drive
Volunteers are needed for the annual Christmas Campaign
to Ruin the Holidays for Everyone.
Call 555-DOOM for more information.
Ballet's The Nutcracker
Basically, this is just the same annual performance consisting
of a bunch of drunk rednecks dancing around an old guy sitting on
his rickety porch cracking walnuts open.
Knoxville Civic Auditorium
Ashe's Holiday Home Tour
It's open house at the mayor's house as he shows off his
lavish home decor. Don't touch anything or you will be dragged out
to the driveway, kicking and screaming, to be run over repeatedly
by the mayor's mom in her car, "The Liquidator."
December 16, Mayor's Music Mansion
Ever-Lovin' Christmas Tree
A whole bunch of people dressed in choir robes standing
in the middle of a giant tree singing offkey Christmas songs at the
tops of their lungs. Can it get any better than this?
Gunfire and carbombs erupt downtown, depicting present-day
Christmas in this holiest of cities.
Ballet's The Nutcracker
Yeah guys, the wife is once again going to drag you to
see this tired old sissified show. Special appearance by University
of Tennessee football head coach Phil Fulmer as the Rat King. (Keep
this under wraps...there will be free beer and hookers downstairs
in the men's lounge during the intermission.)
No, it's not a typo. Come join the boys in a lite beer
bust in the Civic Coliseum parking garage. Once we're pretty much
sloshed, we're going to stagger up to the Tennessee Theatre and
beat the crap out of those sissy Nutcracker ballet dancers. Bring
money for bail.
a Gay Street Christmas!
Come enjoy a reenactment of the first Christmas in Knoxville
and see how downtown's main drag (pun intended), Gay Street, got
its name. It's the silliest thing ever... silly, I tell you.
To help guide Santa's sleigh into Knoxville, a garbage
barge is set on fire as it drifts aimlessly down the Tennessee River
downtown. That's pretty much it. Yeah, it's kinda stupid, but that's
Knoxville for you!
24, Volunteer Landing
Service Desk Jamboree
Head to your nearest WalMart and join a multitude of
your fellow Knoxvillians in returning lousy Christmas gifts, or
anything, that you despise. Got a pair of dog-chewed houseshoes
circa 1983? A table leg and a half-eaten cucumber? Don't worry,
WalMart will take back ANYTHING, no receipt required.
26, Area WalMart discount stores
these events on your calendar! Please do!