"Oh, see how dat Sunsphere glow!"
Happy Holidays, young men and women.

Mission of Doom Christmas Drive
Volunteers are needed for the annual Christmas Campaign to Ruin the Holidays for Everyone.
December 1-20, Call 555-DOOM for more information.

Appalachian Ballet's The Nutcracker
Basically, this is just the same annual performance consisting of a bunch of drunk rednecks dancing around an old guy sitting on his rickety porch cracking walnuts open.
December 8-10, Knoxville Civic Auditorium

Victor Ashe's Holiday Home Tour
It's open house at the mayor's house as he shows off his lavish home decor. Don't touch anything or you will be dragged out to the driveway, kicking and screaming, to be run over repeatedly by the mayor's mom in her car, "The Liquidator."
December 16, Mayor's Music Mansion

The Ever-Lovin' Christmas Tree
A whole bunch of people dressed in choir robes standing in the middle of a giant tree singing offkey Christmas songs at the tops of their lungs. Can it get any better than this?
December 7-10,Tennessee Theatre

Walk Through Bethlehem
Gunfire and carbombs erupt downtown, depicting present-day Christmas in this holiest of cities.
December 20-24

City Ballet's The Nutcracker
Yeah guys, the wife is once again going to drag you to see this tired old sissified show. Special appearance by University of Tennessee football head coach Phil Fulmer as the Rat King. (Keep this under wraps...there will be free beer and hookers downstairs in the men's lounge during the intermission.)
December 15-17, Tennessee Theatre

Celebration of Lites
No, it's not a typo. Come join the boys in a lite beer bust in the Civic Coliseum parking garage. Once we're pretty much sloshed, we're going to stagger up to the Tennessee Theatre and beat the crap out of those sissy Nutcracker ballet dancers. Bring money for bail.
December 15-17

It's a Gay Street Christmas!
Come enjoy a reenactment of the first Christmas in Knoxville and see how downtown's main drag (pun intended), Gay Street, got its name. It's the silliest thing ever... silly, I tell you.
December 20-24

RiverLights/Lighted Boat Parade
To help guide Santa's sleigh into Knoxville, a garbage barge is set on fire as it drifts aimlessly down the Tennessee River downtown. That's pretty much it. Yeah, it's kinda stupid, but that's Knoxville for you!
December 24, Volunteer Landing

Customer Service Desk Jamboree
Head to your nearest WalMart and join a multitude of your fellow Knoxvillians in returning lousy Christmas gifts, or anything, that you despise. Got a pair of dog-chewed houseshoes circa 1983? A table leg and a half-eaten cucumber? Don't worry, WalMart will take back ANYTHING, no receipt required.
December 26, Area WalMart discount stores

Mark these events on your calendar! Please do!


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