The Wonderful World of Longmire's Junk Mail

The Harriet Carter Gift Catalog




You heard it right...
Toilet Bowling has arrived, and it's about dang time.

This and the following items are from a Harriet Carter gift catalog that I got in the mail. This catalog contains hundreds of tasteless and
cheesy items that practically write their own jokes.
 "The most useless crap in the world...delivered right to your door! - Since 1958"

This stuff is real.

Let's explore Toilet Bowling for a moment, shall we?

I don't know about you, but when I go to the bathroom, I prefer to do
my business quickly and get out. But some guys like to sit amidst
their stench for half an hour or more and leisurely read the sports section.

Others like to bowl.

For example, take the guy in the Toilet Bowling illustration above...
he's on his 6th frame of Toilet Bowling while his wife is yelling at him
outside the bathroom door to get outside and mow the damn yard.

Toilet Bowling would be great if you just sat down and started bowling,
but, my friends, I don't think it's that simple. With Toilet Bowling,
before you can start, you have to set up the "realistic wood-look vinyl lane mat"
and the 3 pins. After setup, you can drop your pants and get to bowlin.'
(If this is an emergency bathroom visit, you might want to skip the initial
setup until your digestive system has settled down a bit.)

OK, you've got everything set up and you've just rolled your first ball...
STRIKE! Nice going, Ace! Whoa, watch it! No need for one of those victory
kicks... you'll make a hellacious mess everywhere. Now, the problem
is that you'll have to get up repeatedly with your pants around your ankles,
waddle across the floor, retrieve the ball and set the pins back up.
Not exactly like the bowling alley, is it? Well, not like one I've ever been to
(I don't know what's going on in your town). You could pay one of your
kids to be your pin boy and ball return, but I don't think they'll
like it for long.

If this catches on, it would be very interesting
to see Toilet Bowling as a new Olympic event.

Other Toilet Sports I'd like to see:
Toilet Billiards
Toilet Fishing
Toilet Laser Tag
Toilet Wrestling
Toilet Egg/Water Balloon Toss
Toilet Skeet Shooting
Toilet Javelin Throw
Toilet Ice Sculpture Carving
Toilet Gymnastics

OK, enough of that.


These are Squirrel Lamp Toppers. These lifelike figures hook on
to the top of lamp shades and give the impression that your home
is being overrun by adorable rodents. I wonder if they also sell
Rat Lamp Toppers, Raccoon Footrests,
or Cockroach Refrigerator Magnets.


This one just looked weird to me.


This image looks strangely familiar to me...
Oh yeah!
This is what it reminds me of.


And now, ladies and gentlemen...
It is my honor to present...

The Harriet Carter Magnetic Collection

One thing I noticed as I flipped through the pages of the catalog
was the over-abundance of magnetic products.
Harriet must be sold on the idea that magnets can cure all of life's ills.
Below are just a few samples...

"Magnetic back supports changed my life..."
"Now I can kick some ass!"

Space Ghost would be proud.
"Calling Dick Tracy..."
"It tastes like chicken!"
"Attention! Zyrtec is approaching..."
 "Ahhhh, that feels soooo much better. YES!!!"  Not available to Kentucky residents.

Fascinating, ain't it?


Let us continue...


I thought that the two products above looked similar to each other, so I
combined them into one product (below) and added something extra to
make it more appealing to magnet-conscious buyers.



Finally, I guess we should end with the perfect complement to Toilet Bowling...

That's right, you guessed it...


Quiet... he's pooting... uh, I mean, putting.
Here's an idea for Toilet Golf... bring your cat's litter box
into the bathroom and use it as a sand trap.


This stuff is real.



I got a new catalog in the mail that include these items...

Someone call an exorcist!

Now, this is just plain wrong.


And... to add to your toilet sports collection...


" a whopper while on the hopper!"

The item description reads "...lets you land a whopper while on the hopper!"

Interpret that however you want to.


This stuff is real.


See MORE crap from the Harriet Carter Gift Catalog

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