I'm a man of passion. Yes, I admit it. I love the ladies and they love me. I understand that not everyone can have a headband of ecstasy (see photo above) to attract and excite the womenfolk and work them into a breathless frenzy, so I have compiled an invaluable list of foolproof tips to help you guys out there to excel in dating in today's world. I'm damn good at the art of love and my methods are a friggin' work of genius. Follow my advice and make me proud, boys.

- Brian


The Official Dating Season:

The Official Dating Season is March 1 to November 1 of each year. The reasoning behind this seven-month season? Avoidance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. In other words, not having to purchase gifts, expensive dinners and champagne, or having to meet annoying families. 

You may have noticed that there is an two-week period between Valentine's Day and the start of the season. This is a pre-season warm-up time where you can pick up some babes who had a disappointing Valentine's Day. Also, there is a two to three-week period between the end of the season and Thanksgiving. This is ample time for a breakup to head into the off-season.

You may also want to try to find a date whose birthday falls in the off-season. Dating is expensive enough without a stinkin' birthday forced on you.


Preparation for the date, dressing, grooming tips, secrets:

  • Plan ahead for your date. Call the emergency room and tell them to be on standby.

  • Fax all of the waivers and release forms to her a few days before the date. Include mission statement.

  • Make sure she has signed and has notarization on all of the waivers and release forms before the date commences.

  • Wear breakaway Velcro pants for quick and easy access. This also cuts down on delays in the action.

  • The old saying is true: Women love a man in a uniform. However, a Revolutionary War uniform might be pushing it a bit.

  • Make sure to wear steel-toed boots... important for prevention of slammed doors and refused entry into her house.

  • Consider an "enhancement" like a cucumber or potato down your pants. Note: Make sure to put item down the front of your pants.

  • Don't break out the English Leather until you're sure she's the one. There's no use in wasting the good stuff on a questionable prospect. Save the Juice.

  • On a similar note, having your date's name tattooed on your neck is a bit premature and may give her the wrong impression.

  • Wear dry pants. Trust me on this one.


Preparing your vehicle for the date, equipment needed:

  • Be sure to remove and hide the garden hose you attached from the tailpipe to the back window.

  • A U-Haul trailer attached to your car may not a good first impression on that all-important first date.

  • If your car is filled to the brim with all your clothes, make sure they are folded neatly.

  • Have a big cardboard box labeled "condoms" in plain view in the back seat of your car.

  • Keep a pair of sharp scissors handy in case of brassiere unfastening problems.

  • On a first date, bring a cross and some holy water... just in case. You never know about these broads.

  • It should go without saying that you should bring your pistol... that is, a gun. Not to impress her, but you just might need it.


Picking your date up:

  • Upon arriving at her house to pick her up for the evening, collect the date fees. This is very important.

  • Bring her a gift on the first date, a thoughtful gesture to let her know that you have been thinking about her. Hint: Crotchless lingerie is good.

  • Make sure she is completely inside the car before you "punch it."


Tips for a pleasurable dining experience, conversation do's and don'ts:

  • Take her to a nice restaurant, take her hand so she may not slip on peanut shells on the floor.

  • On the first date, try to refrain from using the phrase "induced vomiting" more than three times during the conversation.

  • If your date has a slightly noticeable trace of a mustache, restrain from mentioning it, and whatever you do, DO NOT strike a match off it.

  • Resist the urge to slap her senseless when she repeatedly asks you "Whatcha' thinking 'bout?" or constantly urges you to "Smile!"

  • Don't mention your stretch in prison unless she brings it up first. No one likes a braggart.

  • Also, don't boast that you've had four feet of your colon surgically removed unless you really did. A woman's intuition will tell her you are lying.

  • During dinner, if you are going to use the "pull my finger" routine with your date, make sure you have something impressive ready at the threshold. Don't disappoint her with a dud.

  • Tell her that you are a government secret agent. Impress her and make her feel special by confiding that you are taking a big chance by being out in public with her. (That way, if she happens to see you later at your McDonald's job, you can just give her a "don't blow my cover" knowing look and she will be none the wiser.)

  • When at the restaurant, make sure you say "Excuse me" before going to the bathroom... in your pants while remaining at the table. During the process, grip her hand firmly if you need to.

  • Take notes during dinner and throughout the date. If she asks you why you are doing this, explain to her that you have a classier, prettier, and more important date coming up soon. Tell her the upcoming date is "for all the marbles."

  • If you are going to use coupons for a discount on the cost of the dinner, make sure they are trimmed out neatly. Scissors skills are a big turn-on to chicks.

  • If the bill for the dinner is more than you have with you, commence with the fake seizures. Better yet, excuse yourself from her company and leave the table to go to the bathroom... at your house.

  • Also, if you're underfunded when the bill rolls around, excuse yourself from the table and go use the telephone. Call 911 with a bogus emergency... the bigger the better. When the paramedics, police, fire department, and rescue helicopter arrive, you and your date can slip out unnoticed during the confusion.

  • After dinner, it's always a nice gesture to invite your date out to the playground area of the restaurant. Let her go down the slide first.

  • If you smoke at the table after dinner, use an ashtray. Extinguishing your cigarette on your date's forehead is frowned upon in most social situations.


Nightclubs and bars:
  • Upon entering the preselected nightclub destination, make sure to get a table in nearest vicinity to strippers, preferably near the pole.

  • If you happen to drink too much, don't bring this fact to her attention. Surprise her. Give her a ride home that she will never forget.


Gettin' lucky, taking your date to your swingin' bachelor pad:

  • Take her to your place for a little romance. Give your live-in crackwhore bitch $20 and tell her to make herself scarce for a couple of hours.

  • Make sure all of the poster-size surveillance photos of your date are put away. Likewise with the floor plans to her house or apartment building.

  • Porno videos can sometimes help a nervous date get in the mood... just make sure not to show that homemade one starring you and your mom.

  • Give her a tour of your pad. Let her meet your previous dates... you know, the ones in the basement.

  • Sing her to sleep after the lovin' with a song you just wrote yesterday.

  • Show some sensitivity to her needs and wait until at least 15-20 minutes after the lovefest is over before you head out to Denny's for the Grand Slam Breakfast.


Troubleshooting techniques:

  • If you sense that your date isn't going well, I've got one word for you: pharmaceuticals. There are several "date enhancement" aids out there in pill and powder form to "relax" your date and make her more cooperative. I've used "E-Z-Date," "Sweet Dreamz," and "Lightz Out" with much success. I've found that any date aid with a "z" in its name will work fine for you.


Taking your date back to her house:

  • Even if your date is a failure, remain a gentlemen and bring your car to a complete stop before shoving her out the door.

  • Of course, when you take her home, you should tell her that you will call her. Resist the urge to laugh uncontrollably when you say this.


After the date, evasion techniques:

  • The next day after the date send her flowers accompanied with a suicide note. Call her up and explain that you sent the wrong note with the flowers. Ask her to kindly return the note, and see if she wants to go out again the following Saturday night. (I know, I know, I have no idea what this tip means either.)

  • Remind her that you are a secret agent, and that you will be contacting her later... after a two-month mission in Spain.



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