Part 7.
Dr. Z's Rap
Session
(Taylor is brought to Dr. Zaius's office by gorilla guards in the evening a few hours after the trial.)
Dr. Zaius (to guards): Wait outside.
(long pause)
Dr. Zaius: AND SHUT THE DOOR, YOU IDIOT!
(The door slams shut.)
Gorilla Guard #1: Jeez, what a hothead.
Gorilla Guard #2: I hate him.
(Back in Dr. Zauis's office... Zaius addresses a drowsy Taylor, who is struggling to stay awake...)
Dr. Zaius: Well... the verdict is in. At the moment, your two simian friends and sponsors are free on bail, but they'll soon be brought to trial for heresy.
Taylor: Whaooo bah maeoahhh...
Zaius: What?
Taylor: Uh... (blinking) I said, what about me?
(Click on poster for larger image)
Dr. Zaius: Oh, your case was preordained. Here, well, you did the state a service because you made it possible for us to expose Zira and Cornelius. Well, actually Cornelius literally exposed himself. Anyway, now the tribunal has placed you in my custody for final disposition. You realize what that means?
(silence)
Dr. Zaius: HEY! WAKE UP, YOU IMBECILE! I SAID... DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT MEANS???
(Taylor's head suddenly snaps forward as he is jolted back to consciousness by Zaius's exclamation...)
Taylor: Huh? Wha...? Damn, you're a loud little ape.
Dr. Zaius: (sigh) Well, emasculation to begin with...
(This last comment receives Taylor's undivided attention...)
Dr. Zaius: ...then experimental surgery on the speech centers on the brain... eventually, a kind of living death. However, I have it in my power to grant a reprieve. That is why I summoned you here tonight. Tell me who and what you really are and where you came from and no veterinary shall touch you.
Taylor: I told you that at that hearing of yours.
Dr. Zaius: You LIED! Where is your tribe?
Taylor: My tribe? They live on another planet in another solar system.
Dr. Zaius: Even in your lies, some truth slips through. That mythical community you're supposed to come from... Fort Wayne...
Taylor: What about it?
Dr. Zaius: A fort! Unconsciously, you chose a name that was belligerent. Where were you nurtured?
Taylor: That's kind of a personal question concerning me and my mother and I refuse to answer that, you hairy little Beach Boy wannabe.
Dr. Zaius: Where do you come from? No jive this time, bro.
Taylor: Hang on a second...
(Taylor proceeds to rip one)
(awkward silence)
Taylor: Then you don't believe that prosecutor's charge that I'm a monster created by Dr. Zira?
Dr. Zaius: Certainly not! Bah, you're a mutant!
Taylor: That's what Zira and Cornelius claimed... you're talking heresy, Doctor!
Dr. Zaius: Hmmph! Of course!
Taylor: Suppose I AM a mutant... how can the appearance of one mutant send you into a panic?
Taylor: I mean, the appearance of one mutant other than those guys.
Dr. Zaius: Because you're not unique! There's the stupid one you call Landon...
Taylor: Oh, then you admit...
Dr. Zaius: I admit that where there's one mutant, there's probably another, and another, and another, a whole treasure trove of them. Where is YOUR treasure trove, Taylor? Where are your women? Where are your discos?
Taylor: Thank you... thank you for calling me Taylor. Dr. Zaius, I know who I am... but who are you... who, who, who, who... and how in hell did this upside-down civilization get started?
Dr. Zaius: Huh! You may very well call it upside-down since you occupy the dank, moist basement level of a Big Lots... and deservedly so. Our eastern desert has never been explored because we've always assumed that life cannot exist there. Taylor... SAVE YOURSELF! Tell me... is there another jungle beyond the Forbidden Zone? Is there a gift shop????
Taylor: I don't know... I didn't see any gift shops, but we found a bunch of cool weeds...
Dr. Zaius: If you're trying to protect others of your kind, it will cost you your identity.
Taylor: I've got my identity, in the form of dogtags, packed where the sun don't shine, thankyouverymuch. Remember...I've got a sequel to think about. And I'm not protecting anyone... this whole thing is insane! What have I done? Can I have some of those snack crackers on your desk?
Dr. Zaius: You are a menace. A walking pestilence. I DO know who you are, Taylor! I give you just six hours to make a full confession. After that, I shall use surgery, obscene hand gestures, and roughhousing to obtain one. Guards!
Dr. Zaius: GUARDS!!!
Guard #1: Let him wait a few seconds.
Guard #2: Heh, heh.... you ARE evil, Clifford.
(long pause)
Dr. Zaius: GUARDS!!!.... Dammit, guards, GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!
Guard #1: Just a tad longer...
Guard #2: (snickering) Serves that old bastard right. I hate him. Did I tell you that earlier?
Guard #1: Yes, you did.
Guard #2: Well, I do.
Guard #1: I believe you.
(pause)
Dr. Zaius: Crap. IF I HAVE TO COME OUT THERE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE MIGHTY SORRY YOU....
Guard #1: OK, we'd better go in now...
(the guards enter the room...)
Guard #1: Sorry, sir.
Guard #2: (sarcastically) Yeah, SORRY...
Dr. Zaius: What were you two doing out there... smoking the reefer?
(silence)
Taylor: Yeah, OK, fine. Dr. Zaius... you can cut pieces out of me... you've got the power...
Dr. Zaius: Return this creature to his cage.
(The two gorilla guards forcefully escort Taylor out of the room.)
Taylor: ...but you do have the fear. Remember that? Remember that? Because you're afraid of me... WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF, DOCTOR????
Crasssssh!
(58K, wav sound file)
Director: Dammit! Nice going, Clifford. OK, everybody take lunch while we replace the camera lens.
Charlton Heston: My chest is stinging.
Director: Singing?
Charlton Heston: No, STINGING. Why would my chest be singing? That wouldn't make any sense.
Meanwhile, back in Dr. Zaius's office...
This parody ©2003 Mark Longmire/The Wonderful World of Longmire
