Part 6.
The
Monkey Trial
The setting is back in the cage compound a few weeks after Taylor was captured during his failed escape attempt. Taylor and his female are lying on the straw covering the floor of their cage...
Taylor: No one will listen to me... (pauses and looks at his female companion) ...only you.
But Taylor's companion is looking off into the distance at another male human in another cage.
Taylor: (nudging her in the ribs) I SAID... NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO ME BUT YOU!
Julius, the gorilla caretaker, sitting at his desk concentrating on working a crossword puzzle, looks up momentarily after Taylor's last statement...
Taylor: (speaking to his female companion slowly) You... Nova.... you... No-va.
The newly named Nova looks at Taylor and puts her hand on his mouth, not in reaction to his newly reacquired power of speech, but rather to shut him up because his breath reeks of onions...
This hurts Taylor's fragile feelings and he fights to hold back tears. Taylor continues his musings...
Taylor: (laughs to himself) Yeah, me Tarzan, you Jane.
Then, after a short pause, Taylor unexpectedly lets out an ear-piercing Tarzan yell (wav file, 9k)...
Julius: OK, THAT'S IT!
This being the last straw, Julius... irritated as hell, slams his crossword puzzle down on the desk, stomps over to Taylor's cage, and starts spraying Taylor with a high pressure water hose.
Taylor tries to cover and protect himself from the torrent of water, grunting. At the same time, gorilla guards enter the cage and grab Nova. During the struggle, Nova notices some spilled honey mustard sauce on a guard's sleeve and licks it off...
Taylor: What are you doing? Leave her alone, damn you! Where are you taking her?
Julius, obviously enjoying himself, starts grunting and howling like, well... like an ape. Taylor continues to fight the water spray trained on him as the gorillas wrestle with Nova...
Taylor: Where are you taking her?
The gorillas put Nova in a separate cell directly across from Taylor's. Julius, still grunting and howling, continues to spray Taylor with a steady stream of high pressure water as Taylor in turn spews out a stream of obscenities...
Taylor: DAMN YOU, JULIUS... YOU HAIRY SCUM!!!
Julius suddenly cuts the water off...
Julius: SHUT UP, YOU FREAK!!!
Taylor: (rushing forward) Julius, you... (trivia note: this line has been heard by some to be interpreted as "chew your shoe.")
Julius turns the water back on Taylor...
Julius: I SAID SHUT UP!!! AND WHEN I SAY SHUT UP, THAT MEANS SHUT UP!!! IT DOESN'T MEAN KEEP TALKING, IT MEANS SHUT UP!!! I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS DOING MY CROSSWORD WHEN YOU LET OUT THAT STUPID YELL!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT??? WHY??? 10 ACROSS - AN EIGHT LETTER WORD FOR INSANE ASYLUM... THAT'S WHAT I WAS ON WHEN YOU DID THAT YELL AND BROKE MY CONCENTRATION!!!
Taylor: (screaming in anguish at the top of his lungs) IT'S A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE!!!
Julius cuts off the water and counts to eight on his fingers...
Taylor: A MADHOUSE!!!
Julius: (going back to his desk and crossword) Madhouse? Yeah, I think that's it. Thanks, buddy... but you're still a freak.
Taylor: (still screaming) THERE IS NO PHONE RINGING!!! DAMN IT!!!
Suddenly there is total silence as everyone stops and stares at Taylor. Stunned, one of the humans in another cage looks at him dumbfounded as a sugar cube falls from his open mouth. Taylor sheepishly looks at everyone...
Taylor: THERE IS NO PHO...!!! (stops abruptly) Oops... my bad. Wrong movie.
There is a long pause as Taylor looks at Nova from across the compound...
Taylor: Now I don't even have you. (laughs to himself) Imagine me needing someone...
Nova is picking her nose, not paying any attention to Taylor...
Taylor: (continuing his self-pitying monologue) ... back on Earth I never did. Oh, there were women, lots of women, lots of lovemaking... but no love. That was the kind of world we'd made. So, I left... because there was no one to hold me there.
Julius looks up from his crossword, rolls his eyes, and starts pantomiming playing a violin...
Taylor: Did I tell you about Stewart?
Julius: Rod Stewart?
Taylor: (ignoring Julius) Now there was a lovely girl. The most precious cargo we'd brought along. She was to be the new Eve. With our hot and eager help, of course...
Julius, Nova, and all the imprisoned humans lean forward, interested to hear further details of Taylor's last comment, but he is too busy absorbed in thought about his last statement...
(long pause)
Taylor: Probably just as well she didn't make it this far.
Disappointed, everyone leans back to their former positions...
Taylor looks at Nova, who appears to be spellbound by his words...
Taylor: Do you love me, I wonder? Can you love, I wonder?
Julius: Beg your pardon?
Taylor: I wasn't talking to you.
Julius: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah... right. I knew that.
Taylor: Anyway... (resumes talking to Nova)... heh, you're not as smart as Stewart, but... you're the only girl in town. (laughs to himself)
Nova looks at Taylor with love and admiration in her eyes and mimics him with a strained smile...
Taylor: Look at that... I taught you to smile.
Julius: (just for spite this time) Beg your pardon?
Taylor: Damn it, Julius... I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU! Thanks for killing the moment, asslick.
Julius: Heh, heh, heh...
Julius and two gorilla guards approach Taylor's cage...
They open the cage door, remove Taylor and put a leather collar around his neck as he winces. Watching intently is Nova, clutching the bars of her cage. Julius whacks her across the face, knocking her down repeatedly to the floor, but she constantly springs back up immediately... mainly because she is too stupid to stay down and avoid a beating...
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Taylor is then taken into what looks like a courtroom. He stands and watches as a gorilla enters and places legal papers upon tables, followed by an orangutan who enters and places containers [perhaps law scrolls] that resemble bottles upon the tables... Cornelius and Zira then enter the room. Taylor rushes up to them...
Taylor: It's been weeks... what happened? Where have you been? Why didn't you come see me? I was cold and wet and scared...
Zira: Shhhh...
Taylor: What is this?
Zira: A hearing.
Cornelius: Be clever, be quiet. Bee alert, arrive unhurt.
Taylor: Huh?
Cornelius: Never mind...
Bailiff: ALL RISE!
Everyone stands as three wizened old orangutans, apparently authority figures, enter the room, and take their places at a long table facing everyone else...
Bailiff: BE SEATED!
Everyone sits... except for Taylor, who is motioned by Cornelius to remain standing.
The orangutan seated at the middle of the long table, El Presidente, the President of the Assembly, bangs a gavel...
El Presidente': This ad hoc communal of the National Academy is now in session...President of the Academy presiding. On my right, Dr. Minimus, Commissioner for Animal Affairs, and on my left...
The President looks at Dr. Minimus, whose head is barely visible above the surface of the table...
El Presidente': What the... Bailiff!!! A booster seat for Dr. Minimus!
The bailiff leaves the room and reenters with a booster seat with happy face and clown stickers on it...
Bailiff: ALL RISE!
The bailiff brings the booster seat to Dr. Minimus' place at the table... amidst barely restrained snickers and giggles from the courtroom audience...
El Presidente': Order! Order in the court! I'll remove anyone who... (starts laughing himself) ...heh, heh, heh... disrupts this... heh, heh...proceeding... heh, heh, heh... oh, god... (puts hand over his mouth to conceal his laughing)...
Dr. Zaius, who considers himself above it all, is not amused one bit...
Dr. Minimus gives the President a dirty look as he is lifted bodily and placed into the booster seat by the bailiff...
Bailiff: BE SEATED!
Everyone sits once again, now Dr. Minimus, still not one bit happy, is at a normal height as the others on the panel...
El Presidente': As I was, heh, heh... uh...oh, lord... (wipes tears from his eyes)...WHEW!... yes, as I was saying... on my left is Dr. Zaius, Minister of Science and Chief Defender of the Faith. And appearing for the State, Dr. Homorius, Effeminate Minister of Justice.
Dr. Homorius: HELLO-OHHHH!!!! Hell-oooo, everyone! I'm here, I'm queer, get uuuuuuuuused to it!!!!
The gavel is banged once again...
El Presidente': (sniffing) Bailiff! Your instructions to clean up the beast... these rags he's wearing give off a stench of onions that is offensive to the dignity of this tribunal.
The bailiff walks over to Taylor and tears off the "clothing" that he is wearing. As his bare thighs are exposed, the room is filled with an incredible blinding glare...
El Presidente': Holy shit! What is that? Where's that light coming from? I can't see a damn thing!
Zira: It's his thighs, your honor!
Cornelius: It is a pigment never before seen by the simian eye, your honor.
El Presidente': (shielding eyes with hand) Bailiff, where are you? For Ape's sake, cover the beast's legs!
Bailiff: Make up your damn mind. First, you want me to take his rags off... now, you want them back on. What's it gonna be, Mr. Big Deal Pres-E-Dent?
El Presidente': Cover him! And Bailiff #2, remove the bailiff! This tribunal will not stand for his insolence!
Bailiff #3: Uh... excuse me sir, but I'm Bailiff #3... Bailiff #2 called in sick today, and...
El Presidente': WHATEVER!!! Bailiff #3, remove the original bailiff!
Bailiff #3: (to bailiff) OK, let's go, Jimmy!
Bailiff: Fine with me... I got better things to do today than put up with this horse shit!
Bailiff #3 shoves the bailiff out of the room and slams the door...
Bailiff: (heard yelling from a distance on other side of door) Take the rags off... put 'em back on... OH, SCREW ALL OF YOU!
El Presidente': I STILL CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!!!
Bailiff #3 throws Taylor back his rags, which he embarrassingly puts back on. The glare immediately goes away and the room's brightness returns to normal...
El Presidente': DAMN! OK, hang on a minute... (rubbing eyes)... wow, that was something. OK... where was I? Oh, yes... you may proceed, Dr. Homorius.
Cornelius: By your lead, Mr. El Presidente', this tribunal has not yet defined the purpose for this inquiry.
Dr. Minimus: You ask for the opportunity to present your case. Surely, you must know why you're here.
Zira: At the very least, this man has the right to know whether there's a charge against him.
Dr. Homorius: Objection, (singing out) ob-j e c t- i o n! This exhibit is indeed a man, therefore he has no rights under Ape law.
El Presidente': And Dr. Zira, this is a Man, is it not?
Zira: He is unlike any man you have ever seen... as we hope to prove.
Dr. Homorius: He's got the most yummy white thighs I've never seen. They look absolutely (singing out again) DE-LI-C I O U S!!!!
Taylor, hmiliated by this public come-on, looks back at Zira and Cornelius for some support, but they are looking at each other, avoiding his forlorn look, trying their best not to laugh at this last comment...
El Presidente': Answer the question, Dr. Zira! IS IT A MAN?
Cornelius: Uh... sir, perhaps the question is the pointed issue. Is he a man, is he a deviate, or... a freak of nature?
Dr. Homorius: Ob-jec-t i o n!
El Presidente': Sustained. Now... Dr. Zira, in all fairness, you must admit that the accused is a non-Ape and therefore has no rights under Ape law.
Zira: Then why is he called "the accused?" Your honors must think him guilty of something.
Dr. Zaius: He is not being tried... he is being disposed of. It is scientific heresy that he is being tried here.
Dr. Minimus: Well put, Dr. Zaius. Let us warn our friends that they endanger their own careers by defending this animal.
Taylor: Then, I'll defend myself.
El Presidente': Dr. Zira, would you tell... uh.. (looks at papers...) Bright Thighs to be quiet?
Taylor: My name is Taylor!
El Presidente': Bailiff, silence the animal!
Taylor: Wait... let me...
Bailiff #3 and a guard rush Taylor and restrain him, in the process banging his head against a column repeatedly...
El Presidente': You may proceed, Mr. Prosecutor.
Dr. Homorius: Learned judges, my case is simple. It is based on our First Article of Faith...
Everyone looks puzzled...
El Presidente': Finders keepers, losers weepers?
Dr. Homorius: No, no, no. You know... the one that says "The Almighty created the Ape in His own image... that He gave him a soul and a mind... that He set him apart from the beasts of the jungle and made him the lord of the planet."
El Presidente': Oh yeah... that one. I knew that.
Dr. Homorius: (rolling his eyes playfully) Silly!... Anyway... These sacred truths are self-evident. The proper study of Apes is Apes. But certain young cynics have chosen to study Man. Yes, perverted scientists who advance an insidious theory called... evolution.
El Presidente': Come to the point, Dr. Homorius.
Dr. Homorius: Ooh, I love that tone of voice in you, your honor. You're such the demanding type... a lot like my Brad at home.... WELL.... the State charges that Dr. Zira and a corrupt surgeon named Galen experimented on this wounded animal, tampering with his brain and throat tissues, to produce a speaking monster.
Zira: THAT'S A LIE!!
El Presidente': Mind your tongue, madam!
Zira: Did we create his mind as well? Not only can this man speak, he can think... he can reason!
Dr. Homorius: Ha! That can reason? With the tribunal's permission, allow me to expose this hoax by direct examination...
El Presidente': Proceed, doctor, but do not turn this hearing into a show tune.
Dr. Homorius: (arms flailing wildly, sashays over to Taylor...) Tell the court, Bright Thighs, what is the Second Article of Faith?
Taylor: I know nothing of your culture, I admit that.
Dr. Homorius: Of course he doesn't know our culture because he cannot think! Tell us... why are all Apes created equal?
Taylor: (in a sarcastic tone) Some Apes, it seems, are more equal than others.
Dr. Homorius: Ridiculous! (tugging on Taylor's leash...) Tell us, Bright Thighs... why do men have no souls? What is the proof that a divine spark exists in the simian brain? Is it still a no-no to wear white after Labor Day? Do you think I'm sexy? Huh? HELLO-OHHHH!!!!!!
Taylor is speechless and without an answer...
Dr. Homorius: I can't deal with this brute! (throw hands up in air and swishes off in disgust...)
Taylor: (whispers to Cornelius) Read this for me.
Taylor hands Cornelius a sheet of paper. Cornelius hesitates, then stands and approaches the center of the room...
Cornelius: (clears throat) Since the defendant has been forbidden to speak in his own defense, he requests that the following statement be read into the record...
Cornelius attempts to hand the paper to the President...
El Presidente': You, Dr. Cornelius... read it.
Cornelius: Ahem! (clears throat again... nervously... and starts reading Taylor's notes)"Good afternoon, you hairy bastards. Hey, great town you got here. Ape City. I couldn't help but wonder... who's the genius that came up with that name, anyway? I mean, was that the best they could do? Where I come from, we don't have any towns named Man City, although I guess San Francisco could pass for it.
Cornelius: (reading)"And the lady apes here... now, there are some lovely creatures for you. I haven't seen hairier broads since that Nair convention back in '71..."
(another drum rim shot is heard)
Cornelius: (continuing reading Taylor's remarks) "Anyhoo, hey... where does a 600 pound gorilla sleep at night?..."
(silence)
Cornelius: "Anywhere he wants to. Badda-bing!"
Cornelius: "Whoa, tough crowd... but seriously, folks... let me bring the mood down here for a moment... I have come to you from a planet in a different solar system. I am an explorer in space..."
Taylor: Hey! That part's for real!
El Presidente': Stop right there... let me see that...
Cornelius hands the paper to the President. The President reads over it...
El Presidente': (laughs to himself) This is a joke... in very poor taste.
Zira: Is it a joke to seek the truth about this man?
Dr. Zaius: Dr. Zira, you state here that a ship from outer space sank in an inland sea of our eastern desert. You also state that Bright Thighs had two intelligent companions with him at the time of his capture...
Zira: That is his assertion.
Dr. Zaius: Mr. President, in addition to Bright Thighs, I believe the prosecutor has reassembled all the surviving humans that were captured in the hunt.
Dr. Homorius: Correc-te-mun-do-ooooooohhh!!!!
El Presidente': Very well, I suggest that we go take a look at them.
Everyone stands to leave the room except El Presidente'...
El Presidente': Hold on a second....
Bailiff #3: BE SEATED!
Everyone sits back down...
El Presidente': Wait... wait for it...
(silent pause)
El Presidente': ... just about... come on, baby.... RRRRIPP! Oh, yeah, there it is!
(astonished look by everyone)
El Presidente': OK, let's go.
Everyone leaves the courtroom, hurriedly, and reassembles outside in the outdoor arena-like area. The orangutans stand at the top tier of the arena while Taylor, Zira, and Cornelius walk out onto the bottom level.
A small group of humans stand at the far end of the bottom level. Nova is among them...
Taylor spots Landon in the crowd....
Taylor: That's him! That's Landon!
Zira: Which one?
Taylor: The tall one in the back...
Dr. Homorius: (yelling down to Taylor) Do you acknowledge kinship with any of these creatures?
Taylor: With one of them, yes.
Dr. Zaius: Identify him, then. Speak to him!
Taylor approaches the group of humans...
Taylor: Landon... Landon!
Landon is unresponsive. Taylor turns him and discovers that a portion of his hair has been shaved, revealing a horseshoe shaped seam of stitches on his scalp...
(the group of apes present react)
Taylor: Ahhh, they cut him.
Taylor turns to face Zira and Cornelius...
Taylor: Did you know about this?
Zira: No, I swear... I never saw this man before.
Taylor: But they.... (looks up at Dr. Zaius) ... you did it. YOU CUT UP HIS BRAIN, YOU BLOODY BABOON!!!
Bailiff #3: BA-BA-BA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!
Taylor starts running up the arena seats toward Dr. Zaius to attack him, but is captured in a net and wrestled to the ground by gorilla guards before he can reach him...
El Presidente': I raise my arm and command you to take him inside!
The gorilla guards take Taylor away, and we see the groups containing poor stupid Landon (even more stupid now) being herded away and loaded into a wagon...
Taylor, still entangled in the netting, is dragged back inside to the hearing room while everyone returns and takes their places...
Dr. Zaius: Mr. President, a word of explanation... the human specimen you saw outside suffered a skull fracture in the course of the hunt. Two fine veterinary surgeons under my direction were able to save his life. But the beast could not speak, of course... nor would he ever speak.
Taylor: YOU DID THAT TO HIM, DAMN YOU!!! YOU RUINED HIS CHRISTMAS AND YOU WANT TO RUIN MINE, TOO!!!
El Presidente': Bailiff, gag the animal!
Taylor is subdued and a muzzle is placed on his face by a gorilla guard...
Taylor: DAMN YOU!!!
Cornelius: May it please the tribunal... I, for one, grant you that this creature can not have come from another planet but this much is certain... he does come from somewhere in the Forbidden Zone. He's described the region to us and described it accurately, for... I have been there.
El Presidente': You visited the Forbidden Zone?
Cornelius: Yes sir, a year ago... with the special permission of the academy...
Dr. Zaius: He exceeded his orders. His travel permit was canceled immediately. But he did bring me back this cool t-shirt.
Cornelius: Yes sir, that is true, thanks to you, but... not before I discovered evidence of a simian culture that existed long before the Sacred Scrolls were written.
Dr. Homorius: Ob-jec-t i o n!
Bailiff #3: ALL RISE!
Everyone rises from their seats...
(silent pause)
El Presidente': Wait a minute... bailiff, why are we standing?
Bailiff #3: Uh... sorry, sir. I guess I got a little excited.
(long silent pause)
El Presidente': Well?
Bailiff #3: Huh? Oh, yeah... BE SEATED!
Everyone sits back down...
El Presidente': As you were saying, Dr. Homorius?
Dr. Homorius: Yes... Dr. Cornelius' remarks are profane and irrelevant!
El Presidente': Sustained. Your archeological theories have no bearing on the disposition of this creature.
Dr. Zaius: Let them talk, Mr. President, let them talk.
Zira: Sirs, our theories have a bearing on his identity.
El Presidente': How so?
Zira: Well, let us assume... as common sense dictates... that the prisoner's story is false. But if he did not come from another planet, then surely he sprang from our own.
The three orangutans look at Zira with confused looks...
Zira: Yes, sprang! As an animal psychologist, I have found no physiological defect to explain why humans are mute.
Dr. Homorius: Ob-jec-t i o n!
El Presidente': Sustained!
The three orangutans assume the classic "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" pose...
Zira: Their speech organs are adequate, the flaw lies not in anatomy but in the brain.
Dr. Homorius: Objection!
El Presidente': Sustained!
The bailiff is seen sitting on a rock, naked, striking another classic monkey statue, the"thinker" pose, holding and pondering a human skull in his hand...
Zira: Sustain all objections, but face the truth!
Cornelius stands up suddenly and startles everyone by unexpectedly jumping up on the table, dropping his pants and exposing himself...
Cornelius: Yes, behold this marvel, this living paradox, this missing link in an evolutionary chain!
Zira: CORNELIUS!!!
Bailiff #3: Oh, shit!
Dr. Homorius:: YEAH, OH YEAH...DADDY LIKES...!!!
Taylor: Mmmppphh!!! Mshlphhh!!!
El Presidente': That's enough! You go too far!
Dr. Zaius: I think an indickment... I mean... an indictment is in order.
Dr. Homorius: Yes sir. The state charges Dr. Zira and Cornelius with contempt of this tribunal, malicious mischief, and scientific heresy... not to mention indecent exposure.
El Presidente': It's so ordered! This tribunal will examine all the evidence presented here, and in due course render its verdict. As to the proposed indictment... and as to the disposition of the deviate in question... this hearing is adjourned!
The President bangs the gavel and adjourns the hearing. The orangutans leave the room, the gorilla guards drag the subdued Taylor out, leaving Zira and Cornelius alone in the courtroom to ponder their fates.
Cornelius pulls up his pants and is helped down from the table by Zira, who promptly slaps him across the face for his behavior.
This parody ©2002 Mark Longmire/The Wonderful World of Longmire
