You may be asking yourself these questions:
1. What exactly is a Longmire?
2. Is this homepage really necessary, or is it just another
big fat ego trip?
3. Is this "world" truly wonderful?
4. Upon viewing this web site, will I become flatulent?
5. Did I leave the iron on?
Please allow me to enlighten you, my friend...
My name is Mark Longmire. I am a graphic
designer living in Knoxville, Tennessee, where I am surrounded by
manic University of Tennessee Volunteer football fans and equally
out of control Walmart shoppers. The evil shadow of a hideous structure
called "The Sunsphere" looms over me and all of my
fellow Knoxvillians. It is a living nightmare, I tell you.
Some time ago, I embarked on a magical journey of learning the ways
of the web and how to create web pages for the internet. I was intimidated
at first but have been surprised at how easy it is. Actually, I shouldn't
have been surprised, as I have encountered numerous websites authored
by persons obviously struggling with the English language, let alone
the screaming voices inside their heads. If those morons can do it,
this one can, too!
Is this "world" truly wonderful? YOU BETCHA'! Actually, that's up
to you to decide. This is just my own personal outlet where I can
share my art, humor, interests, my love of the sea, and quilting tips
with you. This site doesn't display the latest or fanciest web technology
or special effects (me too stupid, me too poor), so the focus is on
content, baby, content. It may seem to be a bit of an ego trip
but . . . WHAT THE HEY! I'M PAYING FOR THIS SPACE! I'M A BIG FAT
BABY AND I'M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT!
As a proud, taxpaying and
registered voting American, I personally guarantee that this site, although
odd, consists of relatively honest clean fun. For example, unlike most
of the sites on the internet, there are no scenes of beheadings, descriptions
of beheadings, sounds of beheadings, or any mention of beheadings anywhere on my homepage. There are also no mention of decapitations, head amputations, or chopping off of
any heads. Also, there is no mention
whatsoever of kittens being fed
into a paper shredder in front a class of kindergarteners. And even if there were, it would be presented in a gentle and
thoughtful way without the use of big bold type. You have my word on
So, kick back, have a tasty cheese snack and a cherry limeade, and take
a look at the different areas of The Wonderful World of Longmire.. I
hope you enjoy it. Tell me what you think if you've got a mind to by
sending e-mail to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Oh, concerning the last two questions: I don't know if you will become
flatulent, but if you stay in this homepage too long, I can guarantee
a headache in your future.
In closing, I have no idea if you left your iron
on. I mean, c'mon, I don't even know you or where you live. How
could I possibly answer this question for you? Did you possibly think
that I could mentally see your iron and respond "run, my young
and beautiful friend, run like the wind and turn your iron off"
to solve your dilemma? Perhaps, I could help at least. Did you iron
today? Can you picture yourself turning the iron off or unplugging it?
HEY! CALM DOWN! I'm trying to help you, OK? Where was I? Oh yeah.
Does your iron turn off by itself in a situation like this? If not,
maybe you should have a neighbor, friend, or relative go to your home
and check it out. YOU just stay put where you are, I'm not through with
you yet. SIT DOWN. That's better. I'm only going to go through
this once, so listen up. Now, when checking to see if an iron is still
on, it is important to remember not to test it with your tongue. Hold
your hand or a household pet about 3 to 5 inches from the iron.
If you sense heat or if the pet starts to panic, chances are the iron
is still on. Turn the iron off or better yet, unplug it. Another way
to determine if you left the iron on is if upon returning home, the
fire department is in your driveway extinguishing the smoldering remains
of your dwelling and all your earthly possessions. I'm not an expert
(although I play one on TV), but I'd say you probably left the iron
on, sugar britches.
OK, I think that covers that. You can go now.
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. . .