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You may be asking yourself these questions:

1. What exactly is a Longmire?

Is this homepage really necessary, or is it just another big fat ego trip?

Is this "world" truly wonderful?

4. Upon viewing this web site, will I become flatulent?

5. Did I leave the iron on?

Please allow me to enlighten you, my friend...Self portrait

Hello, my name is Mark Longmire

My name is Mark Longmire. I am a graphic designer living in Knoxville, Tennessee, where I am surrounded by manic University of Tennessee Volunteer football fans and equally out of control Walmart shoppers. The evil shadow of a hideous structure called "The Sunsphere" looms over me and all of my fellow Knoxvillians. It is a living nightmare, I tell you.

Some time ago, I embarked on a magical journey of learning the ways of the web and how to create web pages for the internet. I was intimidated at first but have been surprised at how easy it is. Actually, I shouldn't have been surprised, as I have encountered numerous websites authored by persons obviously struggling with the English language, let alone the screaming voices inside their heads. If those morons can do it, this one can, too!

Is this "world" truly wonderful?
YOU BETCHA'! Actually, that's up to you to decide. This is just my own personal outlet where I can share my art, humor, interests, my love of the sea, and quilting tips with you. This site doesn't display the latest or fanciest web technology or special effects (me too stupid, me too poor), so the focus is on content, baby, content. It may seem to be a bit of an ego trip but . . . WHAT THE HEY! I'M PAYING FOR THIS SPACE! I'M A BIG FAT BABY AND I'M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT!

As a proud, taxpaying and registered voting American, I personally guarantee that this site, although odd, consists of relatively honest clean fun. For example, unlike most of the sites on the internet, there are no scenes of beheadings, descriptions of beheadings, sounds of beheadings, or any mention of beheadings anywhere on my homepage. There are also no mention of decapitations, head amputations, or chopping off of any heads. Also, there is no mention whatsoever of kittens being fed into a paper shredder in front a class of kindergarteners. And even if there were, it would be presented in a gentle and thoughtful way without the use of big bold type. You have my word on that!

So, kick back, have a tasty cheese snack and a cherry limeade, and take a look at the different areas of The Wonderful World of Longmire.. I hope you enjoy it. Tell me what you think if you've got a mind to by sending e-mail to:

Oh, concerning the last two questions: I don't know if you will become flatulent, but if you stay in this homepage too long, I can guarantee a headache in your future.

In closing, I have no idea if you left your iron on. I mean, c'mon, I don't even know you or where you live. How could I possibly answer this question for you? Did you possibly think that I could mentally see your iron and respond "run, my young and beautiful friend, run like the wind and turn your iron off" to solve your dilemma? Perhaps, I could help at least. Did you iron today? Can you picture yourself turning the iron off or unplugging it? HEY! CALM DOWN! I'm trying to help you, OK? Where was I? Oh yeah. Does your iron turn off by itself in a situation like this? If not, maybe you should have a neighbor, friend, or relative go to your home and check it out. YOU just stay put where you are, I'm not through with you yet. SIT DOWN. That's better. I'm only going to go through this once, so listen up. Now, when checking to see if an iron is still on, it is important to remember not to test it with your tongue. Hold your hand or a household pet about 3 to 5 inches from the iron. If you sense heat or if the pet starts to panic, chances are the iron is still on. Turn the iron off or better yet, unplug it. Another way to determine if you left the iron on is if upon returning home, the fire department is in your driveway extinguishing the smoldering remains of your dwelling and all your earthly possessions. I'm not an expert (although I play one on TV), but I'd say you probably left the iron on, sugar britches.

OK, I think that covers that. You can go now.


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